Being Thankful.....

Being Thankful...

So because some boat-rats landed on the shores of America they decided to have some sort of feast after kissing the dirt below their feet. What they did next was thank the creator, lord and savior for getting them there.

In such tradition we now give thanks on this one thankful day off of work and with a table full of food. Well, that is if you can afford it. Which most everyone can, otherwise you at least have the option of taking advantage of other's guilt of having too much and you get a free meal down at the mission.

The point is, today you're suppose to give thanks. So in that tradition I need to think about what I should give thanks for..

Maybe I'm thankful that the Lord our God has helped we good people to hasten the descent of some 700 pequot Indians into the fiery pits of savage hell. But then again, I wont have the fun of getting together with family and celebrating the time our ancestors committed genocide since I'm neither white and my girlfriend's relatives came to America long after the Indians were wiped out.



Though that in itself is a reason to be thankful. I live in a country that allows me to dissent ineffectually. That and I grew up in an area with enough migrant workers working for slave wages to justify importing Mexican coke to all the local liquor markets.

I'm also thankful for pumpkin pies. Where else can you combine the ingredients of so many delicious things to make a wonderful, spiced custard-filled pastry that you can only enjoy during this season

I should give thanks that it is yet another year that I can proudly say that I have never watched one second of the god damn Thanksgiving Parade. Not once. Why? Who the fuck wakes up early on a work free, food filled day to watch hot air cartoons and pilgrims walking on the streets all in the name of capitalism.

Though BBC America is doing a Treksgiving TNG marathon. So perhaps I should be thankful for that. I guess it's a good way to set up counter programing to all the football fans.

I am most thankful to the turkey that died for the meal I'm going to eat. I can say that I don't have any guilt involved in the death and murder of a bird because I persistently hunted an elder turkey bull past its breeding years on a free range public land. Once it tired I stared deeply into its eyes and we made a connection. He nodded his head and I strangled it personally before weeping and saying a death prayer in its honor.

I see you, brother, and I thank you. Your spirit goes with God, your body stays behind to become part of the people.. the eaten way too much food people. Oh, don't mind me, I'm just jamming a fucking duck and a chicken into your anal cavity. Your spirit has already left, so it won't feel it.

I may be most thankful for all the free booze I will get. As it seems that most families buy the cheap bourbon to get that quarter cup full to put into the yams and other such novelty recipes leaving the left overs to whoever will have them.

I'm most thankful that I'm another year closer to death. Yes, that's right. I'm very thankful for the fact that eventually I will be dead.

Revenge Of The Gobble Gobble

Revenge Is A Dish Served Best With Left Overs

It's been a week since Thanksgiving. You've probably already swallowed down the last of your left over stuffing and you discarded the remains of the last of the turkey after you've gotten sick of eating turkey sandwiches. You think thanksgiving is completely order, don't you?

You're dead wrong.

You see, nothing comes without a price. Your over indulgence in the flesh of a turkey last week caused you to hold a debt and the only way you can pay this back is in a pound of flesh. Turkey's aren't your regular birds. They're no foster farm chickens. There are many of them... they all look the same... and they have a plan.



Did you think that the turkey's would sit by ideally and allow a fellow fowl get taken down without any sort of a fight?

Hell no, not without a fight...



It may have taken them a week, but they realize that their buddies are gone. This holiday season they have no reason to be thankful.. they were attacked. They were decapitated, packed and then tossed into markets. Now their kin is seeking revenge.



Their attack plan was simple. The humans ate their buddies.. they will now attack the humans and everything they love. Their homes. Their children, Their much beloved Freedoms.. Did you think that the police can save you? Ha! Think again, they don't give a fuck about no 5-O



They are relentless and if you think about the odds, if you had 5 people at your thanksgiving sharing 1 of them, how many turkey's are there out roaming the land? Seeking revenge for the fallen?



What can you do? Hide the turkey baster. The first sign of one of those and you'll get some claw marks from ear to ear, draining your body of all your blood long before you ever hit the ground. Don't even think about getting the stuffing or the gravy, either. Hide the pumpkin pie. They can smell the hints of dead turkey that linger around any pumpkin pie.



You can't call for help from the police. The moment you hear the gobble gobble, you're already as good as dead. But really, it's only fitting. How long did that turkey spend in the oven? How dry was it when it hit your plate? In all truths, it's only fitting that they'll be after us. They'll get us in the end. It's only a matter of time. My only advice for you is....

..

.. Run!

The Dog That Stole Thanksgiving

The Dog That Stole Thanksgiving

I came across this little news piece today and I just didn't know what to make of it. I mean, it's just so odd. Now that you're coming back to work and to your daily life from the Thanksgiving weekend, perhaps it's best that you look back at the terrors of dealing with bad flights, awkward family situations and dry turkey and be thankful yet again at the story you're about to read:


Click on the picture to see the article...


The thing that makes me laugh the most about it is that someone got paid to write that. Someone had to come in on Thanksgiving and was told by their editor who also had to come in on Thanksgiving to write that. Then someone got paid to photoshop a golden retriever as the unabomber.

I'm not all that surprised. I worked in the news field before. You get called in on any day possible. Nights/weekends aren't free to you. But still, it is very funny. But the lack of work in this case is the most comical. I've worked editing jobs where you can get away with sitting around all day and then doing the work you need in 5 minutes and getting paid for a full day's work. It's like stealing candy from a baby.. or in this case, stealing turkey from a family.

I suppose some sympathy is needed here. The owner of the turkey is a seven and a half months pregnant, and says she and her husband spent their last $25 on the turkey. At least the couple was still able to have a thanksgiving turkey, provided to them by some generous neighbors.



When you break it down, Thanksgiving is a primitive animal sacrifice ritual symbolizing the subjugation and ethnic cleansing of the American native population and glorifying American waste and excess. A dog which defiles such an event, stealing the food of the white oppressor, is giving a symbolic lesson on the theft of food and resources committed by America upon their own people and the rest of the world. This not a bad dog.. this is the best dog.

Dogs in generally seem like they have a straight head when it comes to which side they lean towards. It seems that they are inherently leftist. Then again, unless this dog stole that turkey from the poor family to bring to his rich master, then he's just like any other tool of the bourgeois.

Once my dog ate my birthday cake. I didn't see that story make it on Fox news... Clearly they aren't fair or balanced after all!

Thanksgiving... For PSA's

Thanksgiving... For PSA's

This year I'm going to give thanks to Youtube. Without them I would have do with seeing a shitty quality mpg or a slow loading high quality QT movie file when seeing a video clip online.


Take for example domestic violence:


Ah yes, that's the perfect clip for later when you're sitting down with the family and sharing that meal. Mother better not have to be told twice to get that stuffing or to re-heat the yams.. or perhaps she'll have to wear sunglasses and their will be a new meaning as to why it's called Black Friday.

Then we move on to this clip that shows us that there are no accidents


Oh man. I know what I'll be thankful for when I'm biting into that Turkey.. that it wasn't "accidentally" laced with Ecoli. Or that the stove didn't just accidentally blow up. At least it's not an ad for Meth.. er.. I mean, Against trying Meth, just once..



That was a pretty hard hitting PSA against the use of Meth. I suppose just trying it once is pretty damning. This next one isn't really that hardcore. I Suppose it is, sort of. If you think blowing up children with land mines is damning. I don't know why, but I always said "Oh Damn" to this PSA about land mines.



In reality, it does make a pretty valid point. We live in a culture that doesn't value the safety that we really live in considering what others in the world go through. But at least it led to the creation of this masterpiece



Nothing better than a PSA to warn against Xenomorphs. God, that's such a great PSA. And to take this thanksgiving blog out.. let's be thankful and watch this hilarious German Safety video.. which had to been done by Sam Raimi


Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you enjoy jamming food down your throat.

Weighing In On The Holidays

Weighing In On The Holidays

It's that time of year where you start eating like crazy all sorts of things that will go straight to your hips. On average, 51% of your annual weight gain happens between Thanksgiving through New Years Eve. That is all before the New Years resolution to lose 10 pounds. Way to go, you just gained 7lbs!

Why is this? Well, the holidays cause you to compulsively socialize with people... who, well, you really otherwise would choose to ignore. often at parties or family functions that just cause a whole lot of stress. A way that people choose to react to stress is to, of course, get comfort food as it helps you forget all about that hardship.



You also have to spend a lot more money on people when you really don't have all that much money to spend in the first place with this economy. The quest for the perfect present is one that causes a lot of stress as well as the fact that you don't have all that cash to begin with, dealing with the crowds.. All in all, you're pretty much going to be losing your mind and burying yourself in some chocolate to get away from it all.

Let's be realistic here. Thanksgiving is going to be a lost cause for you and everyone else. You are going to be encouraged to get seconds and thirds. This is stacked on top of the fact that you have a lot of food in front of you, you're going to over eat on Thanksgiving. There's no question about that.

Once you forget about Thanksgiving, just go at it with a pro-active approach to defeat the potential of gaining weight this season. I have no idea what I weigh right now, but I'm not going to join the masses and gain 51% of my annual weight this year. If anything, I'm going to do everything in my power to LOSE weight. I will weigh myself later today and post it. Hey, I'm no lady and I'm sure putting myself on blast like this will only serve as encouragement to lose it.



You can join me and do a daily weigh in and track how much you gain or lose through the 35 days between Thanksgiving and New Years. Keep a chart handy. It's very important that you have a visual reminder of your progress or catch yourself before you start slipping. It may keep track of your progress, but it's also emphasizes long-term, positive goals and maintaining personal health. The ol' saying in Weight Watchers is "Never let a lapse become a collapse," While it may sound like some buzz words, it does make sense.

Don't let the fact that it's cold and perfect time for some comfort food become a major Achilles heel to your potential healthy weight loss. Especially if you are going to make the generic resolution in January to lose the weight, it's better to start now. You can also cut out red meat out of your diet. Not only is it less of a strain on your arteries, but it will make your cum taste better. Who cares about that, right? I'm sure your girlfriends will appreciate it. And if you think my suggestions are silly, perhaps you can take a note from this wacky lady who has some helpful hints;


Who, for some reason thinks that rice is key. Even though rice is pretty heavy on the carbs. I mean, it's no fade diet or anything, but maybe the key here is simple common sense eating. I mean, let's take the following image to see how much the average American eats in Calories per day:



I'm not sure how you can justify that supersized meal. I mean, you have to be eating a lot of Baconators per week to get to that level of consumption. Just look at the nutritional facts about it with this handy link

I have to say, the triple baconator left me mesmerized. I'm not sure if it's because of the sheer ridiculousness or because deep inside I want to try one... and then die. I remember back when i ate fast food regularly and I saw Super size Me, I didn't understand why that guy threw up after eating a super sized McDonalds meal, I thought he was being overly dramatic/feigning it, but now after eating normal-human-sied portions for years I am just appalled at the thought of eating something like a triple baconator. I feel like vomiting just looking at that thing.

I mean, Jesus fucking christ, it's like two days worth of calories and a week's worth of fat, and the meat is literally predigested parts-slurry from growth-hormone-ballooned fairy animals. Fuck! My dinner tonight was like, maybe 360-370 calories and I'm being generous. How does one eat literally 10x that in one day?



The answer, of course, is Soda. Two cans of Coca Cola run you 320 calories themselves. I used to drink a lot of it. Almost a liter of non-diet Pepsi a day. I can't fathom to even consider going back to that lifestyle. I see people who get chemically dependent on energy and caffeine drinks that they get bad headaches at this point if they don't have the daily fix.

Here's the basics. Seldom ever drink soft drinks and avoid eating from fast food places and go to the gym or get some healthy exercise once or twice a week for an hour. Congrats, you are now living healthier than 90% of America.

Oh, are you offended, you 90% of Americans who are eating way too much? I know, I know. It's hard to maintain. Between your Modern Warfare 2, Episodes of South Park and the rigorous demands of working at Staples, I'm surprised you have even 20 minutes a week to yourself.



Oh? what was that? You literally get to work at 6am and finish at midnight and only earn $2/hr and don't have the time to cook and fast food is your ONLY option? I know, I must have been living in my fantasy world of bulk rice and beans. Cooking a simple meal with inexpensive bulk meals SEEMS like it's cheap and healthy, but you forget the TIME costs... it literally takes upwards of 45 minutes for some of these so called "simple" meals, do you have any idea how busy my life is, Javier? I have 15 KIDS for gods sake, constantly crying about being hungry, fast food is seriously a gift from god!

And a Microwave at work? I'm sorry we can't all work at some major television production company, Javi. Ebgame doesn't have those luxury items, so precooked meals are literally NOT an option, please stop suggesting those. The only other REASONABLE option would be that I eat at subway, but please keep in mind that subway is a whole 4 blocks away. So getting there, eating and getting back in my 30 minute lunch break would be quite the feat indeed. Does anyone know if A&Ws is somewhat healthy if I'm only getting diet soda?



See how silly that sounds? I get the fact that fatty foods are cheaper than eating healthy. Just look at the price of a bag full of frozen meat patties versus a bag full of frozen veggies. If you want to point the finger at someone, it may not be the consumer - they're just caught up like pawns in a bigger game.

So how about you stop being that pawn and start owning up to your own eating habits? If there was ever any time to rebel against these habits, it would be in this time of the year when it will effect you the most.

Then again, you can always just give into over eating and stuff your mouth with some of Paula Dean's deep fried butter balls. Want something to go with your fried butter balls? How about a double chocolate gooey butter cake y'all.



Though, before I judge America too harshly, let's see the graph again and break it down. It gets its info from the WHO. The WHO says it gets its info from FAOSTAT, which is the statistical food organization of the UN. You can look through the FAOSTAT consumption statistics here:
http://faostat.fao.org/site/609/default.aspx#ancor

According to their FAQ, FAOSTAT's glossary defines dietary energy consumption per person as:
FAOSTAT said:

Dietary energy consumption per person refers to the amount of food, expressed in kilocalories (kcal) per day, available for each individual in the total population during the reference period. Caloric content is derived by applying the appropriate food composition factors to the quantities of the commodities. Per person supplies are derived from the total amount of food available for human consumption by dividing total calories by total population actually partaking of the food supplies during the reference period. However, per person figures represent only the average supply available for the population as a whole and do not necessarily indicate what is actually consumed by individuals. The actual food consumption may be lower than the quantity shown as food availability depending on the magnitude of wastage and losses of food in the household, e.g. during storage, in preparation and cooking, as plate-waste or quantities fed to domestic animals and pets, thrown or given away.

So it's a little bit of a myth busted. Your average American may not be eating 3767 in calories a day. Your average American is probably only eating 2,600 calories and then throws away enough to feed sub Saharan Africa. In other words, Cheer up!

Gas Prices Are Back Down, Time To Stop Worrying About The Environment

Gas Prices Are Back Down, Time To Stop Worrying About The Environment.... again

HOLY SHIT! I just filled up for $1.84 a gallon. Then again, just less than a week ago I drove over 700 miles with another couple hundred in the next few days. Perhaps I shouldn't think of the carbonl footprint involved in that. To say the least, I used up a ton of gas in a short time. At least I'm not driving an SUV, now am I? There's places offering 2 for 1 deals on them. How can something so affordable be so wrong?

Why do people like suvs anyway I thought smaller cars were the way of the future but apparently consumers are morons. You really have to ask why bourgeoisie American consumers enjoy driving in a giant ass platform that puts them 10 feet off the ground and smashes through conventionally sized cars.

I realize that some people need them because they live in the middle of nowhere and the roads go to shit. Normal cars and anything without a hemi get stuck and ridiculed because you're not driving a man's man car, but for most people it's just so they can hold a lot of groceries, I guess. SUVs are conspicuous symbols of consumerism and can be justified that (conventional reasoning) they're safer than smaller cars


Backstory on this? Dumbass in a Hummer can't see past their inflated sense of self worth; rear ends a school bus?

I also wonder about all those assholes who bought into dodge's deal where you get gas at a locked price when it just seemed to go up and up. What was it? Around $2.99 a gallon. How stupid must they feel. You know, all 12 of them.

It's certainly not caring about the environment that people stopped buying SUVs. It was because of the price of oil and how much it takes to fill your tank. With the price coming down again I wonder if people are just going to go back to buying those large unruly pieces of shit cars. Hammering home that no one cares about going green as long as they are just going.

Nothing says this more than the act of recycling your cans and bottles. Recycling is such a pain in the ass. I tried it the other day by going down to one of those recycling centers next to the grocery store and I just had to drive away with my car filled with smelly old alcohol containers because the line was so god damn long. This may sound racist, but every time I even attempt to go to recycle my cans there's always about five Asians with a collected amount of cans that could be converted to an Army Tank. Making it so that you have to wait at least an hour before they're done with their recycling.

I get the idea of a CRV. You pay up front and bank on the point that people wont be recycling to get back that 5 cent deposit back. The state makes a mint on those not redeemed. But you're going to have to bump up the price to make me have to wait in any sort of line to recycle. It's me waiting in line to get rid of fake metal. I mean, come on! there should be a fast lane. Anyone who isn't a hobo with collecting cans only. The equivalent of a 10 items or less line.



Here's something else that'll get you to go green... The fine folks at The Inconvenient Bag want to beat it into your head that you should GO GREEN all year round. As if you didn't hear it enough in April during Earth Day, but add in a dash of Thanksgiving charity and you have yourself a way to make Thanksgiving Dinner go completely green.

1) Instead of paper invitations, people could contact each other via email (or Evite). If invitations are needed there are recycled paper invitations and even paper with seeds embedded in it so when it decomposes, new life is set in motion. Seed paper is usually handmade and decorated just as beautifully as ordinary cards.

Do people really invite each other via letters for Thanksgiving? I would imagine a phone would be better for the environment.

2) Turkey is a staple for Thanksgiving. You don’t have to go as far as my hero, Ed Begley Jr., who will probably be cooking his turkey in his solar oven! However, make sure that many people are over and that one (or each) turkey satisfies as many people as possible. Hence, the energy consumed is for many people (along the same lines, everyone could watch the football games on one energy-star TV instead of their own - watching football is better with others anyway). Side dishes could be organic, if possible, or have organic ingredients. Take your canvas bag and walk to your local farmers’ market to buy the best, freshest and tastiest organic foods and buy locally grown flowers for décor (guys you can shop with a canvas bag also, its not a purse!). Additionally, there are many new tasty organic and eco-friendly drinks and liquors.

So this tip is simply "Invite more folks so you can finish your meal" I mean, will people throw away left overs anyway? I usually have Turkey sandwiches for at least a week after.

3) Use dishes instead of plastic and paper. When finished fill the sink up and wash all the dishes at once. The less waste, the better. As a Japanese-American growing up, my mother taught me “Mottainai!” which in Japanese means “Don’t waste!”. There are now corn-based or post-consumer recycled goods that could be used if disposable products are needed, i.e., utensils, plates, trash liners, etc. Keep all water bottles, cans and glass for recycling. Moreover, try to use the same utensils over and over instead of a new plate, a new fork, etc. I have found that a great way to clean off my dinner fork for desert is to lick it!

F-it, instead of a nice glass of wine in a crystal glass, just drink your 40 straight out of the paper bag... scratch that, out of the canvas bag that you bought it with at your local 5-inch thick bullet proof glass liquor mart.

You might as well forget dishes altogether. Everyone just share one fork and pick at the turkey like the vultures you are till the carcass is picked clean to the bone.

4) Thanksgiving is family time, so have everyone over. Instead of scattered family celebrations, have one large Thanksgiving party where everyone could be at one location, possibly carpool and pitch in. Invite those people who have family out of the area. This would reduce the use of energy to one location while increasing the festivity! Also, you could get others to help clean up the place! For those of us who refuse to cook, there are many green options. My friend, Allan of Cater Green (www.catergreen.com), has a green solution for every catering need, including cleaning up and an awesome “zero waste” plan.

Again, I can one up that. Just don't cook. Go to your local Chinese joint, may I recommend WON KOK, and enjoy a big meal and stimulate the economy.

5) Green Cleanup: Besides setting up separate bins for recyclable goods, there are other forms of green cleanup. There are a multitude of green cleaning solutions available in your local stores, i.e., Begley’s Best, organic cleaning solutions, chemical free, etc. If a dish washer is to be used, make sure it is full and hopefully energy-star certified (or just have your favorite guest hand wash the dishes! See #3 above.). Furthermore, extra food could be donated to a shelter for others to enjoy - Mottainai! Those of you who go the extra step could compost earth-friendly waste for your own organic gardens.

Is this even a tip? Give your left overs to shelters? How about donating your time or some non-half eaten food? I donated a box full of food to shelters this year and I don't think I'm doing anything out of the ordinary. Everyone deserves a Holiday that doesn't suck. This "helpful" tip is all over the place. Yeah, make sure your washer is completely filled.. no shit, sherlock.

Over all, those to were a waste of space. Thankfully it's not printed on any sort of piece of paper and placed up at your local trader Joe's or Whole Foods. Because if they were, then the irony will be really thick.



There's always one way to stay perfectly green and in this final piece it goes to show that it's possibly the oldest "going green" possible. Some old ass weed

Ottawa — Researchers say they have located the world's oldest stash of marijuana, in a tomb in a remote part of China.

The cache of cannabis is about 2,700 years old and was clearly “cultivated for psychoactive purposes,” rather than as fibre for clothing or as food, says a research paper in the Journal of Experimental Botany.

The 789 grams of dried cannabis was buried alongside a light-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian man, likely a shaman of the Gushi culture, near Turpan in northwestern China.

That's some old stink weed, yo. With that I'll leave you with wishes for a Happy Thanksgiving. We all have something to be thankful about. Perhaps you don't show it as often as you should. Enjoy it folks.