Holiday Gift Ideas No One Wants

Holiday Gift Ideas No One Wants

I know it's only a couple of days before the big miracle of big baby Jesus' birth and all, the time of year where we celebrate with massive amounts of consumer spending to stimulate the economy - just like God would have wanted it.

But it's times like this where it's last minute shopping that could get you in trouble. May I suggest that whatever you do, do not get anyone this AVATAR FLESHLIGHT for the holidays.



There's even fucking a Fleshlight review for it. Who the hell takes a job that is based around reviewing pornographic sex toys? I mean, seriously? I don't think I've ever looked at a fleshlight, or anything other than a vagina and felt the burning question come through my mind on how my penis would feel in that. Most of all, I don't see how if you were the type to be dis-concerning to want to fuck a plastic tube that you would then think it would be a whole lot better if the thing came in blue.

Also, I do have to laugh at the fact that they were too afraid of James and decided to call it the Fleshlight Alien. Way to jump away from that potentially crushing lawsuit, makers of a strange sex toy, dudes.

So yeah, if you have a nerd in your life who you feel needs to get laid, just have sex with them. You really shouldn't resort to making them get some Na'vi replica sex out of a sex toy. And if they can't get off with a human fleshlips, then perhaps you should pick your friends better.

The Holiday Toy Guide

The Holiday Toy Guide

I have to admit, I'm a kid at heart. At the ripe old age of 30 I still some times walk down the toy isle at the local target or walmart and look at what all the super hero and favorite movie toy tie ins they are out there. Do I buy them? No, not at all. I already wasted so much money on that shit for years and I really have no use for that sort of stuff anymore. But that does make me a pretty good judge of what the hot holiday toys will be.

So perhaps you could use this as a method of buying shit at stores before it sells out and then flipping it online through ebay like the true piece of shit scum that you are. In any case, here's what your little rugrat brats will want from Santa this Christmas.

First off we have what may be the hit toy of the season.. Sing-a-ma jigs.



Yes, I think that this will cause the most significant deaths at Wal*Mart this year and it's really very tragic when you think about it.. Because, look at those things. They're Jim Henson's Lamprey babies waiting to swallow your soul!



What the ever living fuck? I couldn't listen to that for more than 10 seconds before wanting to either kill myself or shoot the computer and then killing myself. How can any parent willingly buy this for their child without wanting to smash it into a million pieces within a half an hour of opening it?

I mean, at least Tickle Me Elmo was somewhat cute and cuddly and didn't look like it was about to latch on to my eyeball and suck out the juice for sustenance. Let's not forget about what else Elmo did in his role giving us one of my favorite moments of SNL this season



But these Sing-a-ma-jigs are just scary looking in that they have teeth when they open their soul sucking mouths. The best Youtube comment has to go to the one in the toys r us video.

I put my dick into one's mouth and had to go to the ER and now my dick is crooked, scarred, and I am unable to maintain an erection. these toys are very poorly labeled and should come with a warning. Parents beware!

On Something Awful they made the most amazing alternative sound board for these freaky dolls. CLICK HERE for a good laugh... or fear.. or something.

Moving on to less demonic toys... well, this one isn't much less demonic. I speak to you about the magic balls of the Fushigi Balls.



Essentially they're just mirrored balls inside plastic or some sort of shit and for some reason they're hard to get a hold of and kids are crazy about them. Mainly because they think they could do some sick stunts to impress the panties off their Jr. High girlfriends. Who could blame them, the commercials make whoever welds them look like some wicked sick wizard.



So I guess that's the selling point there. It's some magical visual effect and about $20 bucks, so it wont hit the parents wallet hard. Though you could probably do all those things with any old ball. It's just something you need to practice a lot with, which given the average attention span of your child, may not actually be a great idea in hindsight.

But the demonic aspect comes into place because it reminds me of Bowie as the Goblin King. That or another less than kid friendly film..



But perhaps that's not a bad thing. Maybe we should play up that evil angle. Hell, Christmas is the celebration of the birth of what will eventually be the first zombie in recorded history. So it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that I realize which toy we would all gladly get trampled in the attempt to attain.

I speak of course of a remote control zombie that comes with a brain-shaped remote control.



How wicked awesome is that? Though I don't think a robotic item would want brains or anything like that. So it sort of breaks the fourth wall in that aspect and loses some of the street cred. Perhaps if it was an actual zombie you could control. Though that never goes as well as you would think and you just end up in a Frankenstein Monster situation of dying by your own stupidity.

At least this one you can just remove the battery and the zombie is dead.

But perhaps your kids aren't into all that evil shit. Maybe you should just stick to the basics. So maybe you should just go for the classics that are worth trampling the necks of your neighbors for.. I speak of course of Mr. Bucket.



How many hours of fun is that? I mean, just think of it. You pick up the balls and put it in its head. uh-oh, better watch out as he's not only blocking you from putting them in there, but he's also spitting them out.

Yes, that's right. He spits out balls. Though he does need to warn you of his history... It's a bit shaded.



Hmm, on second thought, maybe you don't want that toy near your kids. That's all I have in terms of ideas for this holiday season. Maybe you should just stick with booze. I think Booze is probably the best gift. It makes the holiday go over so well.

In any even, whatever you do, just don't end up buying this shit.



That will haunt my dreams and live blissfully in my nightmares.

My Dogs Are Barking

My Dogs Are Barking

The annual Toy Fair International is going on in New York right now. Now, I don't think most people know of this expo, but since I'm a nerd and some part of nerdom is collecting crap that is otherwise considered stuff for little kids, this is information that I just happen to know even though I haven't bought any "action figure" in a very long while.

The nice thing about Toy Fair is that you get a glimpse of the future in the stores. Most of all, you get to see what could potentially be the hot toy for Christmas. Yes, it may only be March, but to the people who are crafting up to take your money, it's already Christmas before Easter ever hits. So perhaps you should take note on this new toy that will be out in time for Christmas as your kids will be asking for it.



Well, I must disappoint you. Scientists have created no such collar. But one of the world’s largest toy companies, Mattel Inc, has made something even better: Puppy Tweets. Yes. You read that right. Twitter. For dogs.

Yes, you read that right. Twitter. For dogs. Well, it's called Puppy Tweets(TM). Yes, that's right. It's a god damn twitter based toy so social networking will be a major part of this useless Pokemon/digi-pet sort of thing. What does it do? Well, dog owners will just die happy now that they realize that their dog will be wearing a collar that randomly tweets into their own Doggie twitter account random things.

Wait. You must be thinking that this will allow your dog to talk or something. Send messages as to his current mood or where he be at, yo. No. No it wont. You should talk to your little child now and clear this up before they have a case of hopeful eyes like I did when I was a little kid and saw Back to the Future II and thought hover boards were just around the corner.

What Puppy Tweets(TM) does is sit on your pets collar and with a tag that has integrated motion and sound sensors on the dog's collar connects to a USB receiver. It comes with easy-to-use software, which is short speak to say that you will more than likely call one of the Geek Squad people over to install this, then after paying that huge tech support bill your dog is now connected to his own Twitter account.



So what does his twitter account do other than take up space on the internet and has all of two followers? It monitors what your dog does, which most likely is sleep, interprets these actions and then sends humorous tweets to the account. It's not reading the dogs mind. It's just randomly coming up with pre-set messages.

What would be the interesting things a dog would even say? Well.. I have no idea. When your daily life consist of sleeping,e eating, pooping, barking at small woodland animals and begging for one of the previous mentioned items.. and sometimes wanting a belly rub, I have no idea what sort of topic this animal can really provide. Here's the examples of the tweets:

"Guess what I'm licking right now?"

Oh boy.. could it be your balls?

"I finally caught that tail I've been chasing, and.... OOUUCCH!!"

Well gee, I'm sure glad that I set up my twitter account to follow this..

"I bark because I miss you. There, I said it. Now hurry home."

I can't wait for Kibbles and Bits to team up with them and have the tweets be advertisements. Nothing like your dog tweeting that they want some Kibbles and Bits brand dog food.



This is just the start of it. Mattel Brands President Neil Friedman told the soon to be dead L.A. Times that they think this could be the start of a new wave of products for people to interact with their pets. Again, how is it interacting with your pet? You're looking at your Twitter feed and see that your dog's collar randomly generated a message. Maybe you should have been fucking playing with your dog instead of spending your time online or looking at your phone to see who just tweeted.

So what's the damage to your wallet? $30 seems to get you this randomly tweeting machine you strap around your pet. You know what, don't even bother. With that money you could probably buy your dog some real food that isn't crap ground up and passed as nutritional substances.



Of course Cat owners are beyond pissed at this whole slap in the face by Mattel. Mattel has answered these spinsters call. While they would not say whether Kitty Tweets is on the way, they have said that this is indeed the beginning. Why start with dogs? They said that dogs get into more trouble while their owners are away at work.

This may be true, given the nature of cats to sleep, but just imagine how much extra income your average crazy cat lady has to spend considering she doesn't have any children to spend the money on. Mittens sure would look cute with some stupid tweeting collar.

Either way, these things are stupid plastic toys that are going to do nothing but become boring after all the predetermined generated tweets are cycled through on the twitter account that no one will want to follow no matter how annoying you are in pushing it on others.

But hey, I'm sure your kid will never forgive you if it's not under the tree this year. And if you don't have a pet you know you're also going to be asked for that puppy. So Costco should at least make a two pack of these items.

More Things I Don't Want For Christmas - "Hip" Snuggies

More Things I Don't Want For Christmas - "Hip" Snuggies

In a continuing series of things I don't want, which I suppose is good for my girlfriend as I'm really difficult to shop for, maybe these things will weed out the potential BAD gifts from the Holiday season.

First up, we have something from Norway. Now, chances are no one will give me anything that is much harder than the local mall to purchase. But just in case, can I just say I do not want the following. You see, Norway is not only bad at giving their peace prizes out to war criminals (who don't even have Birth certificates), but they also make products that are worse than fucking snuggies. I bring to you the wonders of the One Piece



I'm not sure why you will want to look like a teletubbie or why you would want to completely cover your face with a zip up PJ, but I guess it's out there. Maybe you're looking to become homeless? I'm not very sure. I guess if you are homeless, this will keep you warm at night. But then I checked the exchange rate and this shit comes up to about $283.82 US to buy. If you have money like that to spend on this shit, you're not homeless and neither is anyone who is buying me anything, so please don't get me this for Christmas.

But on that subject of fake snuggies, I really don't want a snuggie in general. Not even that stupid Weezer Snuggie.



Why would they put their name on this? I do not know. I mean, maybe it's to be Ironic. Maybe not. I really can't tell. Is anything weezer does even good anymore? They're the band that has been pissing off their fan base since 2001, so it's not really clear what they are both thinking and doing. Take for example their partnership with Kenny G. What is with that?



If there's one thing I hate more than religious zealots is Kenny G. Growing up my father would always play Kenny G as he must have been some Ex-hippie who was really big on the concert scene and only translated it to Smooth Jazz. Kenny G would always release a holiday album. How many times can you cover the same song, I do not know. But god damn driving in the car with him at any point was a test of my resolve not to kill myself then and there.

So perhaps Weezer shouldn't be partnering up with my most hated entertainer. What does this have anything to do with potential gifts for me? I guess what I'm saying is snuggies, fake snuggies, weezer and Kenny G should all be off the list.