Showing posts with label Donnie darko. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Donnie darko. Show all posts

Sunday, November 8, 2009

What's In The Box? What's In The Box?!

What's In The Box? What's In The Box?!

No, this isn't about a sequel to the movie Se7en. Though I have to say that movie's line was delivered perfectly by Brad Pit.

Richard Kelly, Director of the emo favorite Donnie Darko is back after directing an awful, incoherent pile of shit that is Southland Tale and brings us "The Box". Now, I don't know what happened to Kelly after Donnie Darko, but can we please have that Richard Kelly back? As funny as it is to hear Buffy sing "Teen Horniness is not a crime", Southland Tales was awful.



The Box is based off a Twilight Zone episode from the 80's and originally from a short story posted in Playboy. You would know if you read the articles. So what's the film about?;
Norma and Arthur Lewis, a suburban couple with a young child, receive a simple wooden box as a gift, which bears fatal and irrevocable consequences. A mysterious stranger, delivers the message that the box promises to bestow upon its owner $1 million with the press of a button. But, pressing this button will simultaneously cause the death of another human being somewhere in the world; someone they don't know. With just 24 hours to have the box in their possession, Norma and Arthur find themselves in the cross-hairs of a startling moral dilemma and must face the true nature of their humanity.
And if you're someone who needs pretty pictures to go along with it to get the full visual, here's the trailer:


Yup, that sure is one moral test right there. The film is based on a short story and a Twilight Zone episode "Button, Button" by Richard Matheson, but Kelly has expanded on that story and added a lot of head explosion material. I'm not sure Kelly knows what he's doing. I say this especially after hearing his own take on Donnie Darko - wherein I learned he pulled some Harper Lee bullshit and created something far more brilliant than himself. Don't worry, Kelly. I've done it myself once too many times. Created some piece of art and it was far more brilliant than myself. These things happen.

Here's my concern for the movie: Is there really enough of a plot to fill the duration? The short story and the Twilight Zone episode work because they're, you know, shorter, and this story seems like it's built to be a quick hit. A fast moral tale about putting you own needs above the needs of others. It's set up as a brief reflection on morality and the danger of compromising yourself for personal gain. You can accept the fact that the box is magic because the story never tries to connect with any reality outside its own very limited range. The trailer has the movie looking like an action film with conspiracies and murderers and whatnot. I don't think the logic of the story can hold up.



This is another idea ruined by explaining away all the mystery. Did no one learn from the godawful Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Halloween reboots, or Hannibal Rising? You should just leave good enough alone. Don't try to justify or create a reason out of your ass as to why things are happening the way that they are or give an origin to something that doesn't need it.

You want to know what happens after the 30 minute mark? We find out that the box was a test by Martians to see how humanity reacts to others needs. We fail the test when she and a lot of other people who get the box push the button and a whole lot of bad shit happens. All because we show that humanity is putting their own personal gain ahead of another human life. That very idea is dumb. We put our own well being ahead of human life every hour of every day. That's what it is to be human. To think otherwise is stupid.

And since Richard Kelly is all about prequel and going into a film with some massive knowledge of a film's world history, there's this little ARG that acts as a prequel with the clips which you can find right here at YOU ARE THE EXPERIMENT . Someone should tell him that you shouldn't have to know something about a film to have to enjoy it. That's what the fucking film is, a self contained story.


If you're interested in watching the Twilight Zone episode Button, Button. Here you go;




See, no need for reading an entire graphic novel to understand what happens in that episode of the twilight zone. Maybe that's why it was a great television series and not like Southland Tale in that it didn't tell a fucking coherent story. Now when can Richard Kelly get back to something like Donnie Darko.. Maybe even a sequel to it.. oh wait........

Thursday, May 7, 2009

S.Darko, Sometimes I Doubt Your Commitment To Sparkle Motion

S.Darko, Sometimes I Doubt Your Commitment To Sparkle Motion

I haven't even gone a few days since posting a blog about the piece of shit that is Wolvrine and here I am putting up with another shit film. Does it come to anyone's surprise that it's a Fox film as well?

Today we explore the world of S. Darko. Then unneeded sequel to Donnie Darko. I want to sit in on the conference that decided to cast this because nothing carries a movie better then the girl that voiced Lilo in the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch, and the main character of Step Up 2: The Streets.


Crap in High Quality

The story picks up seven years after the first film when little sister Samantha Darko and her best friend Corey are now 18 and on a road trip to Los Angeles when they are plagued by bizarre visions.

I had the unfortunate luck that I wanted to talk about something on this blog so I sat through it... It's basically a 14 year old girls fanfic about the donnie darko universe. Girls walk around in almost no clothes the whole movie long and meet guys, mention donnie a few times. cgi. Roberta Sparrows grandson hops along on the crazy wagon and they all go nowhere + more cgi. The End.



They rip off darko left and right but somehow nothing makes sense, characters come from nowhere and stuff happens for no reason. The only thing that this movie has going for it is that it's decently filmed and the cgi is ok. That's it.

And can we talk about the name? It sounds like Starko. When asking your friends if they want to come over and watch Starko, they may think you're talking about Tony Stark and Iron Man. According to IMDB, its full title is S.Darko: A Donnie Darko Tale. Way to cash in on the craze of yester years.


(Insert yet another Sparkle Motion joke here)

The writing isn't any better in the script than it is on that title page.

"When I was your age I experienced things that made me feel like God didn't exist"

What an incredible writer, whoever penned this thing. I think this movie is just not meant to be understood on any level. I don't know why I didn't turn it off after the first five minutes. Maybe I just like pain. I guess I was trying to give it a chance to become something comprehensible, but that never happened. Though I made more sense than than Fire Walk With Me.


Daria Darko. It'll make a much better sequel.

Southland Tales made a fuckton more sense than this. That's saying something considering how many other books you had to read/find to have that make any sense. It could at least have an awesome website like the original Donnie Darko. I cracked it at 2am and freaked the fuck out when it started talking to me.

I was tempted to turn this off when I saw a goddamn motherfucking unicorn running in the clouds, but I didn't. I was again tempted to turn it off when the suave James Dean jackass in the red sports car and wayfarers made his first appearance, despite the fact that's he from a Bumfuck, Nowhere town. I still didn't. But when Samantha started doing the whole ghostly/Frank thing and talking in a deep voice, I just couldn't handle the bullshit anymore. I wanted a plane engine to litertally drop ontop of me.



It's as if the director never got what Donnie Darko was about and just went for the movie's style, not really grasping that either. I'm sure I already said it before, but perhaps my investment in this comes from the fact that I kept getting told that I look like Jake Gyllenhaal, Donnie Darko himself. So yeah, let's not taint that anymore than Brokeback Mountain already did. Geez, the amount of gay cowboy comments after that film went up by, at least 90%.

So what's the final verdict? It's an incoherent mess. I'll wait for the wacky porno parody - Sparkle Lotion: Samantha Darko's 18th Birthday

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Shitty Movies

Shitty Movies

Following a weekend that saw Tylor Perry's Madea Goes To Prison top the box-office on the last weekend of Coraline in 3D, I'm left just shaking my head. But then again, I'm looking at this with tainted glasses. Madea isn't for me to begin with.

Tyler Perry's intended audience is the black version of The Blue Collar Comedy Tour's intended audience - lower-middle class, non-denominational Christian, socially conservative, and very committed to traditional gender and family roles. Also a lot of his humor comes from Southern culture, which doesn't appear to have a real analogue in any other country.



That specific demographic is obviously not what most movie makers want to appeal to. In appealing to it, he basically ensures himself a lot of dough irregardless because people in that demographic just typically feel disenfranchised by every other movie/filmmaker out there who doesn't put forth a "wholesome" message in all their movies.

The fact that his audience is the largest movie going audience in the country kind of guarantees profits for all his productions. He just built his own $100 million studio in Atlanta. 5 sound stages and a NYC back lot. He knows the audience he's catering to and they eat it up in the southeast for sure.



But I have to say, Men in drag hasn't been funny since Monty Python.

Then we go to beating a dead horse. Which I'm sort of surprised they could even reach given that it should be under a commercial jet engine. They actually made a sequel to Donnie Darko.

S.Darko, the sequel to Donnie Darko

Yes. That's correct. There's now a sequel to Donnie Darko that has nothing to do with Richard Kelly. It's coming straight to DVD/BD and that seems about a right place for it as ever. It's a film that's not needed.

None of what I just watched made any sense. Then again, I think I heard that after watching the first one. I'm not sure time travel is something a lot of people get any grasp on. I dunno, maybe my years as a comic reader and the wacky use of time travel just made it more acceptable but I get how time travel works. I understand string theory and hypertime isn't that far fetched. So hey, your nerd miles may vary?



Despite all the nerd backlash, I still really like the first Donnie Darko (not the director's cut, which ruined it) but this looks absolutely terrible. I'll probably watch it even though it's basically the cinematic equivalent of a fanfic. At least they got the original actress, but holy shit, Daveigh Chase is 18 now? I'm old.

If the original was basically a surreal version of how it sucked growing up in the 80s, this one is going to be all 90s references? It looks like they took the original film and tried to turn it into your run-of-the-mill Hollywood horror flick. Say what you want about Richard Kelly, but he doesn't deserve this. Did the new director actually watch the first movie, or just see a trailer and read a plot synopsis.



Maybe I'm just a little defensive about all this because I constantly got told that I had this sort of Jake Gyllenhaal look. I'm not sure if that was a good or bad thing considering Brokeback Mountain and all, but hey, at least I'm linked up with a dead Oscar winner, right? I dunno. I guess I can sometimes see it in older pictures. So having folks tell me "Yo Donnie!" was alright, but now with a shitty made for DVD film... I dunno, I may have to severe that connection by breaking my nose or getting reconstructive surgery. Nah, then I'll be like Mickey Rourke.

And finally in the world of shitty movies, a day before the Oscars, in an attempt to steal some thunder, the Razzies were announced.

WORST PICTURE
Disaster Movie AND Meet the Spartans ("Two Movies- One Berry Badly Beaten Dead Horse of a Concept!")
The Happening
The Hottie and the Nottie
In the Name of the King
The Love Guru

WORST ACTOR
Larry the Cable Guy- Witless Protection
Eddie Murphy- Meet Dave
Mike Myers- The Love Guru
Al Pacino- 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill
Mark Wahlberg- The Happening and Max Payne

WORST ACTRESS
Jessica Alba- The Eye and The Love Guru
Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Meg Ryan- The Women
Cameron Diaz- What Happens in Vegas
Paris Hilton- The Hottie and the Nottie
Kate Hudson- Fool's Gold and My Best Friends Girl

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Uwe Boll (as Uwe Boll)- Postal
Pierce Brosnan- Mamma Mia!
Ben Kingsley- The Love Guru and War, Inc. and The Wackness
Burt Reynolds- Deal and In the Name of the King
Verne Troyer- The Love Guru and Postal

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Carmen Electra- Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
Paris Hilton- Repo: The Genetic Opera
Kim Kardashian- Disaster Movie
Jenny McCarthy- Witless Protection
Leelee Sobieski- 88 Minutes and In the Name of the King

WORST SCREEN COUPLE
Uwe Boll & Any Actor, Camera, or Screenplay
Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher- What Happens in Vegas
Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore- The Hottie and the Nottie
Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy- Witless Protection
Eddie Murphy IN Eddie Murphy- Meet Dave

WORSE PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF, OR SEQUEL
The Day the Earth Stood Still (referred to by the Razzies as "The Day the Earth Blowed Up Real Good")
Disaster Movie AND Meet the Spartans
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Speed Racer
Star Wars: The Clone Wars

WORST DIRECTOR
Uwe Boll- 1968: Tunnel Rats and In the Name of the King and Postal
Jason Freidberg and Aaron Seltzer- Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans
Tom Putnam- The Hottie and the Nottie
Marco Schabnel- The Love Guru
M. Night Shyamalan- The Happening


Want my picks for those? Fuck it, ALL OF THEM ARE AWFUL! I don't want to even remember any of those films. Thank you kindly.

Enough Shit, where's the quality material?