Thursday, May 7, 2009

S.Darko, Sometimes I Doubt Your Commitment To Sparkle Motion

S.Darko, Sometimes I Doubt Your Commitment To Sparkle Motion

I haven't even gone a few days since posting a blog about the piece of shit that is Wolvrine and here I am putting up with another shit film. Does it come to anyone's surprise that it's a Fox film as well?

Today we explore the world of S. Darko. Then unneeded sequel to Donnie Darko. I want to sit in on the conference that decided to cast this because nothing carries a movie better then the girl that voiced Lilo in the Disney movie Lilo and Stitch, and the main character of Step Up 2: The Streets.

Crap in High Quality

The story picks up seven years after the first film when little sister Samantha Darko and her best friend Corey are now 18 and on a road trip to Los Angeles when they are plagued by bizarre visions.

I had the unfortunate luck that I wanted to talk about something on this blog so I sat through it... It's basically a 14 year old girls fanfic about the donnie darko universe. Girls walk around in almost no clothes the whole movie long and meet guys, mention donnie a few times. cgi. Roberta Sparrows grandson hops along on the crazy wagon and they all go nowhere + more cgi. The End.

They rip off darko left and right but somehow nothing makes sense, characters come from nowhere and stuff happens for no reason. The only thing that this movie has going for it is that it's decently filmed and the cgi is ok. That's it.

And can we talk about the name? It sounds like Starko. When asking your friends if they want to come over and watch Starko, they may think you're talking about Tony Stark and Iron Man. According to IMDB, its full title is S.Darko: A Donnie Darko Tale. Way to cash in on the craze of yester years.

(Insert yet another Sparkle Motion joke here)

The writing isn't any better in the script than it is on that title page.

"When I was your age I experienced things that made me feel like God didn't exist"

What an incredible writer, whoever penned this thing. I think this movie is just not meant to be understood on any level. I don't know why I didn't turn it off after the first five minutes. Maybe I just like pain. I guess I was trying to give it a chance to become something comprehensible, but that never happened. Though I made more sense than than Fire Walk With Me.

Daria Darko. It'll make a much better sequel.

Southland Tales made a fuckton more sense than this. That's saying something considering how many other books you had to read/find to have that make any sense. It could at least have an awesome website like the original Donnie Darko. I cracked it at 2am and freaked the fuck out when it started talking to me.

I was tempted to turn this off when I saw a goddamn motherfucking unicorn running in the clouds, but I didn't. I was again tempted to turn it off when the suave James Dean jackass in the red sports car and wayfarers made his first appearance, despite the fact that's he from a Bumfuck, Nowhere town. I still didn't. But when Samantha started doing the whole ghostly/Frank thing and talking in a deep voice, I just couldn't handle the bullshit anymore. I wanted a plane engine to litertally drop ontop of me.

It's as if the director never got what Donnie Darko was about and just went for the movie's style, not really grasping that either. I'm sure I already said it before, but perhaps my investment in this comes from the fact that I kept getting told that I look like Jake Gyllenhaal, Donnie Darko himself. So yeah, let's not taint that anymore than Brokeback Mountain already did. Geez, the amount of gay cowboy comments after that film went up by, at least 90%.

So what's the final verdict? It's an incoherent mess. I'll wait for the wacky porno parody - Sparkle Lotion: Samantha Darko's 18th Birthday

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