I Hate America, But Love Ice Cream

I Hate America, But Love Ice Cream

I've been told many times that I hate America. Not true. I don't hate America nor do I hate Americans. I am one. I certainly don't hate myself. What I do hate is morons and if there's something that isn't in short supply, it's morons. You know the type, holding on to their "Support Are Troop" signs or claiming you're more patriotic simply because you call French Fries something silly like Freedom Fries

Which brings me to this little discovery of fun patriotic take on your dessert.



I think I remember these guys. They're the conservative alternative to Ben & Jerry's who think the only difference between B&J and store-brand crap is the milk fat content. So they take otherwise regular ice cream flavors and give them stupid patriotic names and call it a day. One of the many problems with this is that their names aren't creative or witty. They're down right stupid.



Clicking on those pictures to make them larger would show you what they have down the pipeline in terms of flavors. "John Kerry Ketchup Dough"? Really? That thing just sounds nasty and I'm a ketchup lover. "G.I. Love Chocolate" sounds like code for gay sex.

At one point they had a Bill Clinton In-PEACH. Ha! Get it?! It's clear that they really can't make silly puns out of the rights catch phrases all that well. Considering I'm terrible in that way, in that I make a lot of stupid puns, I think I could help them out. Here's a couple of different names they could use.

Choc & Awe

rocky road to recovery

dessert storm

arguing against an obvious strawmanberry

chocolatlas shrugged

affirmative action neapolitan

fuck you, got mint

elitist macademia nut

the 2nd almond-mint

date rights sundae

abu grape in a neocone

See, Star Spangled Iced Cream. With a little effort and embracing the god awful phrases that your political view point sides with, you too can make actually witty names. Not that it matters. I'm sure you don't give a shit about the quality of your Iced Cream and considering that 10% of your profits go to organizations that support the Armed Forces, it's pretty clear that I'm not going to be buying any of your shit. I guess I really don't want to support ARE troops.

Star Spangled Iced Cream Company - Contributing to national decline through diabetes.

You Know Who Gets My Goat?

You Know Who Gets My Goat?

Last year I took the time to give.. and give I did. In the form of unleashing bees on the poor souls of some backwards ass country that was highlighted on 24. It was my way to say FUCK YOU to poverty and to stamp out hunger... in the form giving unleashing the wrath of bees on the less fortunate through the Heifer International foundation. You buy an animal and they send it to the family so that they can support themselves on what it provides. Pick yourself up by your own bootstraps type of program.

I looked at it this way, I was paying $30 to help a family increase their crop yields and earn extra income through the magic of pollination. In reality I was paying $30 to prank the fuck out of some poor people by foisting a swarm of angry bees on them. It was a win/win situation if I ever saw one. To think, for only 0.08 cents a day, I was able to instill the fear of bees onto a child who already had enough to worry about.



I made the donation and slept a little easier that night. Mainly because I didn't have a box full of bees coming my way. Over the past year I received monthly magazines of WORLD ARK constantly hoping to hear that my bees unleashed uncountable amounts of horrors on their new owners. No luck.

Here we are again in the middle of the Christmas season and much like the idea of recycling is appealing in April, the idea of being charitable is on everyones mind. Namely Heifer International as I received an order form as to what sort of animal I want dump on a family this year.



The thought process was long and took some time. Last year I gave them bees. I can't give that again. Not only was it ineffective in instilling the fear of whatever coke bottle they call God, but you can't follow up bees with more bees. One must follow proper gift giving manners. Let's take a look at the other options as to what to give.

Llama - Llame. Whens the last time a llama even made the news.
Water Buffalo - This would only lead them to cutting off their wings and really, Africa is not ready for a Hooters any time soon.
Cow - After seeing how hamburgers create fatties here, I'd say it's a charity case to NOT give them one.
Flock of chicks - If it was a flock of seagulls, I'd gladly pay to send them to Africa.
Flock of ducks -Again, not seagulls.
Flock of geese - Since foire gras will be illegal in California, send them here before it's outlawed!
Trio of rabbits - I have this thing with rabbits. It's not Easter, it's Christmas. No rabbits!
Trees - Wait.. what? A tree as charity? Come on. I'm trying to give someone something that will help them. A tree seems so generic.
pig - It just doesn't seem like a good gift. It's like giving someone a meat log from the mall... only much less cooked.



So that rules out a lot of choices but leaves me wondering what exactly am I going to get these poor Africans. Then it hits me, if I can't unleash swarms of bees on people, I can at least play it off for a laugh and there we get the Goat. At the very least I can laugh with the witty remark that they're getting my goat.

Add in that Goats are wacky animals. They eat all kinds of shit that is just left around. Put anything in front of a goat and turn around for a minute. Bet you that when you look again that goat will be chewing on it. I once saw a goat eat a soda can only later to be milked. I'm not sure about you, but I don't want any added iron in my frosted flakes, thank you kindly.



In all truths, it's nice to help out some random strangers around the world who are willing to work for themselves but just need a little push. Bees may sound like a scary thing to you or I, but to them it could provide a quality of life that is not only filled with bee stings, but is now one where they can exchange and sell Honey. Goats, while eating everything in sight, can help maintain a field and provide milk and cheese products that can be sold at the market. In a world where most charities have very little of the money actually going towards the cause, it's nice to know that your money is being used wisely... in this case, used to actually get a family your donation.

On a final note, the charity mentioned in Mondays blog that put people in the torture position of playing Desert Bus gets some attention from one of the creators of the damned unreleased game as Penn speaks out on the matter.
CLICK HERE FOR VIDEO
Enjoy that extra insight on it.