Monday, December 1, 2008

Tis The Season To Press Start

Tis The Season To Press Start

Now that you're done having your food coma from Thanksgiving, perhaps you should consider donating to a good cause. It is the season to keep giving, after all. If you haven't noticed the influx of salvation army employees and homeless dressed as salvation army employees asking for change outside of stores, then you haven't been paying attention all that much.

If you know anything about me, I like to make people suffer. Mainly because I'm evil. Really really evil. Last year I Flooded some 3rd world country with bees. This year, in an effort to keep American jobs in America, I'm keeping the suffering local. The guys at Desert Bus For Hope ( are once again accepting donations for Child's Play (a charity that buys games and toys for hospitals). The more money you throw at them, the longer they have to play Penn and Teller's Desert Bus, one of the absolute most exciting games to ever not be released for Sega CD.

What's the big deal with that, you ask? You're paying gamers to play a game. What's so different between this and those jack asses who played through all Mario games in the Super Mario Marathon? It's a matter that on any given weekend any group of losers could very well gather around and in a pot smoke mist come up with the idea to play through the entire Mario collection. No matter how much drugs anyone will ever take, you'll never want to play Desert Bus under any circumstance. Again you ask what's so wrong with this game?

Penn and Teller's Desert Bus mini-game was awful in every possible way. Here's a little bit about the game.

Desert Bus is the best known minigame in the package, and was a featured part of Electronic Gaming Monthly's preview. The objective of the game is to drive a bus from Tucson, Arizona to Las Vegas, Nevada in real time at a maximum speed of 45mph, a feat that would take the player 8 hours of continuous play to complete, as the game cannot be paused.

The bus contains no passengers, and there is no scenery or other cars on the road. The bus veers to the right slightly; as a result, it is impossible to tape down a button to go do something else and have the game end properly. If the bus veers off the road it will stall and be towed back to Tucson, also in real time. If the player makes it to Las Vegas, they will score exactly one point. The player then gets the option to make the return trip to Tucson—for another point (a decision they must make in a few seconds or the game ends). Players may continue to make trips and score points as long as their endurance holds out. Some players who have completed the trip have also noted that, although the scenery never changes, a bug splats on the windscreen about five hours through the first trip, and on the return trip the light does fade, with differences at dusk, and later a pitch black road where the player is guided only with headlights.

So the whole game is just driving through the desert in a bus for 8 hours.... and below 45 mph at that. Here's some in game video from this game.

Exciting, wouldn't you say? Just watching that youtube video should make you want to kill yourself. So watching others play it for hours and losing their minds should be nothing less than entertainment for you. Consider this wonderful and yet deliciously evil at the same time.

As you can see, this is not a simple task and is very much an endurance test that would make David Blaine weep. Do your part in making grown men suffer for the good of the children! Head on over to Desert Bus for Hope and let us all collectively break the will of these people! The more you give, the more Desert Bus they must endure!

In the spirit of the holiday season let me also share with you a tale of hope. The art of Desert Bus and most of the game was created by Amy Bond and Glen Schofield. Glen is still in the industry and is the Executive Producer and creator of DEAD SPACE and GM of Redwood Shores Studio. So keep your heads up, folks. You can very well be on something terrible right now but be the creative team that works on tomorrows wonder. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? At the very least you wont be playing Desert Bus....

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