Holiday Gift Ideas No One Wants

Holiday Gift Ideas No One Wants

I know it's only a couple of days before the big miracle of big baby Jesus' birth and all, the time of year where we celebrate with massive amounts of consumer spending to stimulate the economy - just like God would have wanted it.

But it's times like this where it's last minute shopping that could get you in trouble. May I suggest that whatever you do, do not get anyone this AVATAR FLESHLIGHT for the holidays.



There's even fucking a Fleshlight review for it. Who the hell takes a job that is based around reviewing pornographic sex toys? I mean, seriously? I don't think I've ever looked at a fleshlight, or anything other than a vagina and felt the burning question come through my mind on how my penis would feel in that. Most of all, I don't see how if you were the type to be dis-concerning to want to fuck a plastic tube that you would then think it would be a whole lot better if the thing came in blue.

Also, I do have to laugh at the fact that they were too afraid of James and decided to call it the Fleshlight Alien. Way to jump away from that potentially crushing lawsuit, makers of a strange sex toy, dudes.

So yeah, if you have a nerd in your life who you feel needs to get laid, just have sex with them. You really shouldn't resort to making them get some Na'vi replica sex out of a sex toy. And if they can't get off with a human fleshlips, then perhaps you should pick your friends better.

Super Mario Crossing Over

Super Mario Crossing Over

It's December and you know what that means.... PRESENTS!

Yes, it's time for little stocking stuffer. Well, let's just call them time wasters because they'll certainly be eating up your time. Like this little goody, It's a crossover that you will be pissing away hours of productivity playing. It's SUPER MARIO BROS CROSSOVER!



Do you remember when you were a child and you read all these bullshit rumors in EGM and Game Pro about how Mega Man was going to show up in the next Castlevania and how Mario will somehow work together with Sonic.. Especially that one bullshit lie about that street fighter secret character.. Yeah, fuck that rumor.

Well, at the very least you can cross one thing off your bucket list. Playing other characters in Super Mario Brothers. It's a game that throws all the classic heroes into one video game and lets you play it for free.



Hours of nostalgia without any of the downside of having to actually pay for the game. The best part is who you can play as in this little treat.

• Mario
  
• Link
  
• Samus
  
• Bill Rizer
  
• Mega Man
  
• Simon Belmont
  
• Ryu Hayabusa (as of v1.1)
  

Come on, doesn't it sound fun to just go crazy with mega man in this against a lot of little turtles and koopa troopas? What the fuck were they anyway? It was like a mushroom with shoes and eyeballs. Only you ate mushrooms. So that still doesn't clear up why you smashed them or why they wanted to kill you.

Anyway, if that line up isn't enough, you can look forward to a new player as Sophia the 3rd! will be in version 1.2



The best part is you don't have to use your keyboard. If you want to use a Joy2Key pad, it's very easy to set up.

So there you go. Now don't say that I didn't get you anything on this last day of Jewish Christmas.