Stop Taking The Christ Out of Christmas!

A Birthday Reminder.......

Just wanted to take a moment to remind you that today is the birthday of a very special person.......



For you see, God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
-John 3:16

Yes, I'm sorry to say that all the other millions who have had the misfortune to be born around these Holiday dates get overshadowed by Jesus H. Christ. But let's be honest, it's not like you died for all our sins, now did you? No! In fact you're still alive. You didn't even die, let alone for anyone's sins.

You should join me in wishing the Big J a happy two thousand and tenth birthday. Please have him in your hearts as you clog it with beef drippings today.



Most of all, you shouldn't take the Christ out of Christmas, man. What is with all this Santa worship. Don't you know that Santa can spell out SATAN!?!?!? What is all this comericalization of the birth of our lord and savior?

You should take a note from these fine folks who take out the Santa in Christmas fashion using guns guns and more guns!



Welp, I'm reconsidering ever stepping foot in Texas. Thems for sure.

Yup, these fine upstanding folks are the Westboro Baptist Church of Amarillo, constantly pulling stupid shit out of their ass in 'protests' at un-Christian events such as Earth Day, Race For the Cure, and 'demonically based concerts'. They also target such blasphemous places such as the Episcopal Church, Buddhist temples, Unitarian churches, the local Masonic lodge, and Beaver's Strip Club. Judging from the video, you have to be a lousy shot to join their group, because they couldn't hit Santa more than a handful of times from roughly 5 feet away. Also, Coup De Grace is pronounced 'Coop Duh Grace'.

They also took down their old website, which was full of flash animations depicting them killing Heathens and a "Warfare Map" showing the businesses they plan to target for harassment. Which is odd, you know, considering no one is worshiping Santa Claus as a god like figure. If anything, Santa Clause is a lot nicer than God. Santa Clause simply doesn't bring you a gift if you're bad. God sends you to fucking hell.



You just have to be careful that the fat man doesn't fire back at you. I mean, he knows when you've been bad and good, so why get on his shit list? You know what I mean?

Oh... because you have guns also? Yeah. I guess that's a reason...



I would like to gladly thank them for killing the not-even-pagan symbol of Santa Clause and we can get back to Christmas being the birth of christ... with comical guest the cast of Pirates..



I'm pretty sure the real reason why these militant religious folks hate the idea of Santa is that the moment you tell your sheltered home school kid that Santa isn't real, then it's only a matter of time until they make other connections and end up blowing some dude in an alley behind an Arby's while attending some Godless community college. If Santa can be a lie, how much further is Jesus in terms of fairy tales.





Yup, they sure take their hatred for Santa pretty far. Which is sort of sad when you think about it. I mean, taking the Santa gig at a mall has got to be the lowest of the low jobs when you can't find any other means to pay the bills during the cold winter season.

Why else do you think that most of the Santa's you see kids jumping on their laps smelling of urine and looking like they're drunk off their ass? It's not the position that it's cracked up to be. You get to hear screaming brats all day ask you for things. What a dream job... to get begged to by ungrateful little turds.



It's no wonder that the amount of drinking goes up this time of year. So it's even more important that you remember to thank Jesus for each present and morsel of food today, the day of his birth. Yes, his birth! That's what they say. The more you think about this silly story that would hold no weight in our modern time and be nothing more than an episode of Muary, Mary's claim of being knocked up by God is just silly.

Mary was more than likely raped by a Roman soldier and Jesus is a bastard... In the spring or summer time, you know, when Jesus was actually born. Though there's plenty of families who I have know that just call you crazy and say you're a stick in the mud when you point out that Jesus was born in the summer.

Yeah. I know, sounds silly. I mean, let's be real Santa isn't the only made up character in the Holiday season.



And for those who are going through airport screenings. I have to ask, why bother during Christmas? It's not like any terrorist will blow up anything on Christmas day. We may think them a godless country or whatever, but they still need time to celebrate ad since their religion seems to have roots with most others, why wouldn't they take the time off?

In fact, you're better off looking at this safety video on how to prevent zombies from killing your festive holiday celebrations than to worry about the acts of terrorism befalling you on the glorious of glory commercial holidays.



Just in case you are worried that I'm going to hell, I'll be glad to let you know that I did go to church on Monday.....




For a pagan solstice festival!

Booyah! You just got pwned, religious types!

What I'm trying to say is Happy/merry/joyous Inti Raymi/Bodhi Day/Samhain/Winter Solstice/Imbolc/Signature of the Constitution of the Republic of China/Chinese New Year/All Saints Day/Advent/Saint Nicholas' Day/Christmas Eve/Christmas/12 Days of Christmas/Saint Stephen's Day/Saint John the Evangelist's Day/Holy Innocents' Day/Saint Sylvester's Day/Watch Night/Feast of the Circumcision/Feast of Fools/Saint Basil's Day/Twelfth Night/Epiphany/Armenian Apostolic Christmas/Eastern Orthodox Christmas/Candlemas/St. Valentine's Day/Modranect/Yule/Diwali/Pancha Ganapati/Bhaubeej/Hanukkah/Tu Bishvat/Purim/Eid ul-Adha/Imbolc/Sadeh/Yalda/Chahar Shanbeh Suri/Saturnalia/Dies Natalis Solis Invicti/Lupercalia/Zamenhof Day/Festivus/HumanLight/Chrismukkah/Boxing Day/Kwanzaa/New Year's Eve/Hogmanay/New Year's Day/Martin Luther King Day/Chrismahanukwanzadan/Pastafarian Holiday/Winter-een-mas/Wintersday/Winterval/Starlight Celebration/Shoe Giving/Freezingman/Feast of Winter Veil/Day of the Ninja/Kwansolhaneidmas/Feast of Frith/Holiday Number 11/Xmas/Refrigerator Day/Life Day/'Slapsgiving/Agnostica/Alvistide/Frostval/Chalica/Hogswatch/St. Yorick's Day/Xistlessnessmas/Thanksgivoween/Decemberween and of course just under two years to the end of the world.

In short, Merry Christmas, you big bunch of multicultural douche bags.

Holiday Gift Ideas No One Wants

Holiday Gift Ideas No One Wants

I know it's only a couple of days before the big miracle of big baby Jesus' birth and all, the time of year where we celebrate with massive amounts of consumer spending to stimulate the economy - just like God would have wanted it.

But it's times like this where it's last minute shopping that could get you in trouble. May I suggest that whatever you do, do not get anyone this AVATAR FLESHLIGHT for the holidays.



There's even fucking a Fleshlight review for it. Who the hell takes a job that is based around reviewing pornographic sex toys? I mean, seriously? I don't think I've ever looked at a fleshlight, or anything other than a vagina and felt the burning question come through my mind on how my penis would feel in that. Most of all, I don't see how if you were the type to be dis-concerning to want to fuck a plastic tube that you would then think it would be a whole lot better if the thing came in blue.

Also, I do have to laugh at the fact that they were too afraid of James and decided to call it the Fleshlight Alien. Way to jump away from that potentially crushing lawsuit, makers of a strange sex toy, dudes.

So yeah, if you have a nerd in your life who you feel needs to get laid, just have sex with them. You really shouldn't resort to making them get some Na'vi replica sex out of a sex toy. And if they can't get off with a human fleshlips, then perhaps you should pick your friends better.

Happy Krampus Day!

Happy Krampus Day!

Fuck Christmas, it's time to celebrate beating bad children with a birch branches. Yes, that's right - It's Krampus day. My favorite Austrian holiday that focuses on Jolly Ol' Saint Nick's degenerate friend Krampus. He's very similar to Black Peter, in fact Black Peter was probably evolved from Krampus.

In the event that you know nothing more about this Holiday season other than it's when Big Baby Jesus was born, Saint Nicholas goes around rewarding the good boys and girls with toys and what not. This much you know already from childhood lies. But what you may not know is that Jolly Coke-Cola dressed Santa didn't do it alone, he had someone ride shotgun. A ying to his yang.



So since we have the rewards for good children covered by Nicholas, can you take an educated guess at what his partner handled? I'll give you a moment... Yeah, that's right - the punishments.

In Holland in the 15th century they came up with Black Peter. He was the dark aid to Santa and was suppose to represent the Spaniards. Given that during the period Spain's occupation of the Netherlands was prime concerns. The tales would suggest that Black Peter would come around and take the bad children with him to his pirate ship.



It's not terribly uncommon to demonize your enemies. Just look at what we're doing to all the illegal aliens in our country. We practically make them seem like Vampires. Oh wait, that's another modern monster that has its roots from people demonizing others they feel are invading their territory.

but the roots go far deeper. You see, Black Peter was just casting the person to deal out evil to their enemy, but before that, Santa's helper was Krampus. The word itself comes from 'Krampen' and is from Old High German meaning Claw. But unlike mr. Black Face racial slander over there in Black Peter, this one is from the fiery pits of hell. Just look at the following walking of the Krampi.



The Germanic peoples have always understood that you have to scare the piss out of children to keep them in line, and for that they use Krampus. The best part is that he's approved by the jolly fat guy who likes cookies to instill his brand of torture and fear in the hearts of children.

On the night before Christmas, Krampus goes around before Saint Nicholas does and starts to clear off his own list. The list of the naughtiest kids. How else would someone do this than with a switch and a basket. He goes around and takes them, throws 'em in his basket and they go with him to the pits of hell.



I have to say, this legend is completely amazing and if it worked then, why the hell aren't we using it now? I want to see a section of the mall devoted to Krampus like they do for Santa. Kids would go up to him and make their case as to why they shouldn't be beaten with a tree branch and taken to hell with him. Now that would be a better use of the season.

Krampus Night is celebrated, which is tonight. It's done so because Saint Nicholas day is on the 6th of December. So while my dream of malls with a Krampus area for photos may not be a reality, in Austria people dress up as Krampus tonight and go around the streets beating "bad" kids and women for the sake of scaring them. Gotta say, that's some good times to be had.



It's really just a matter of having a pre-christian character be the opposite of Santa to represent the winter season. That while it may bring a lot of good, you can't forget that winter can kill you. A roaming forest demon is an easy explanation for a time when folks didn't realize the elements could be reason enough to kill you.



While I had hoped to go to Austria to join in the celebration this year, that world travel aspect sure hasn't kicked in. But the biggest celebration of this day happens in the town of Schladming in Austria. Where over a thousand Krampus gather around and scare the shit out of anyone standing around. Think of it like Halloween in West Hollywood. While it may be a great day to be a dude dressed in a krampus suit, it's not a great time for the local women, who typically stay in or are the subject of the attention of the drunk Krampi.

Either way, I have to say, this is one of the better Winter festivities that I have come across in my study of cultures and humans. I love the myth of scaring kids into behaving and the whole notion that Christmas has this evil dark side that is not visited upon often is surprisingly entertaining.

So to you fine folks out there, I say Happy Krampusnacht!

The Holiday Toy Guide

The Holiday Toy Guide

I have to admit, I'm a kid at heart. At the ripe old age of 30 I still some times walk down the toy isle at the local target or walmart and look at what all the super hero and favorite movie toy tie ins they are out there. Do I buy them? No, not at all. I already wasted so much money on that shit for years and I really have no use for that sort of stuff anymore. But that does make me a pretty good judge of what the hot holiday toys will be.

So perhaps you could use this as a method of buying shit at stores before it sells out and then flipping it online through ebay like the true piece of shit scum that you are. In any case, here's what your little rugrat brats will want from Santa this Christmas.

First off we have what may be the hit toy of the season.. Sing-a-ma jigs.



Yes, I think that this will cause the most significant deaths at Wal*Mart this year and it's really very tragic when you think about it.. Because, look at those things. They're Jim Henson's Lamprey babies waiting to swallow your soul!



What the ever living fuck? I couldn't listen to that for more than 10 seconds before wanting to either kill myself or shoot the computer and then killing myself. How can any parent willingly buy this for their child without wanting to smash it into a million pieces within a half an hour of opening it?

I mean, at least Tickle Me Elmo was somewhat cute and cuddly and didn't look like it was about to latch on to my eyeball and suck out the juice for sustenance. Let's not forget about what else Elmo did in his role giving us one of my favorite moments of SNL this season



But these Sing-a-ma-jigs are just scary looking in that they have teeth when they open their soul sucking mouths. The best Youtube comment has to go to the one in the toys r us video.

I put my dick into one's mouth and had to go to the ER and now my dick is crooked, scarred, and I am unable to maintain an erection. these toys are very poorly labeled and should come with a warning. Parents beware!

On Something Awful they made the most amazing alternative sound board for these freaky dolls. CLICK HERE for a good laugh... or fear.. or something.

Moving on to less demonic toys... well, this one isn't much less demonic. I speak to you about the magic balls of the Fushigi Balls.



Essentially they're just mirrored balls inside plastic or some sort of shit and for some reason they're hard to get a hold of and kids are crazy about them. Mainly because they think they could do some sick stunts to impress the panties off their Jr. High girlfriends. Who could blame them, the commercials make whoever welds them look like some wicked sick wizard.



So I guess that's the selling point there. It's some magical visual effect and about $20 bucks, so it wont hit the parents wallet hard. Though you could probably do all those things with any old ball. It's just something you need to practice a lot with, which given the average attention span of your child, may not actually be a great idea in hindsight.

But the demonic aspect comes into place because it reminds me of Bowie as the Goblin King. That or another less than kid friendly film..



But perhaps that's not a bad thing. Maybe we should play up that evil angle. Hell, Christmas is the celebration of the birth of what will eventually be the first zombie in recorded history. So it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that I realize which toy we would all gladly get trampled in the attempt to attain.

I speak of course of a remote control zombie that comes with a brain-shaped remote control.



How wicked awesome is that? Though I don't think a robotic item would want brains or anything like that. So it sort of breaks the fourth wall in that aspect and loses some of the street cred. Perhaps if it was an actual zombie you could control. Though that never goes as well as you would think and you just end up in a Frankenstein Monster situation of dying by your own stupidity.

At least this one you can just remove the battery and the zombie is dead.

But perhaps your kids aren't into all that evil shit. Maybe you should just stick to the basics. So maybe you should just go for the classics that are worth trampling the necks of your neighbors for.. I speak of course of Mr. Bucket.



How many hours of fun is that? I mean, just think of it. You pick up the balls and put it in its head. uh-oh, better watch out as he's not only blocking you from putting them in there, but he's also spitting them out.

Yes, that's right. He spits out balls. Though he does need to warn you of his history... It's a bit shaded.



Hmm, on second thought, maybe you don't want that toy near your kids. That's all I have in terms of ideas for this holiday season. Maybe you should just stick with booze. I think Booze is probably the best gift. It makes the holiday go over so well.

In any even, whatever you do, just don't end up buying this shit.



That will haunt my dreams and live blissfully in my nightmares.

Christmas With A Capital C

Christmas With A Capital C

Well now that Halloween is past us, it's time to finally accept Jesus into our hearts and expect his upcoming birthday to be nothing less than Capitalistic! After all, C is for Jesus, and that's good enough for me!

Just check out this awesome trailer for a new movie that deals with making sure you put the Christ into Christmas!



Wait a minute. This is an actual movie? Well, I guess "movie" is a bit of a strong word in this case, it's just Christmas religious circle jerking. Ugh.... Christians!

But really, I love the whole thing! I FLIPPIN' LOVE IT ALL! How about how the dad talks about how he scored mom. Yeah bro, you won that one! Way to not make women feel like an object, bro-ham!

I just wonder why this is actually real and not just satire. I mean, look at that film. It should be called Christmas with a Capitalism $. We should all remember that Jesus preached his ascetic philosophy by dressing up as a fat man in a red suit and handing out PS3's. So yes, we need to save Christmas or else God may be at risk!

After all, it is the reason for the season! But this does mean one thing.. that the War on Christmas started early this year. Wait, no. The War on Christmas never ends. It is an eternal battle. A forever war, if you will.

What kind of world do we live in where gay people can have butt sex with each other, IN THE BUTT, no less! But yet you can't put up a CHRISTMAS TREE in a COURTHOUSE?! What the fuck, America!

It feels like the save Christmas campaign starts earlier and earlier every year. But it does seem that the film really touches on the subject on if it's such a terrible thing to try and learn about other people so you can engage them properly instead of just tossing out a lazy "Happy Holidays"?

This Christmas.. it's up to a bunch of New Yorkers to save Christmas from Islamic terrorist! Ramadan with a Capital R! Coming soon to a Hallmark station near you!

You have Alec Baldwin as... Bitchard Cawkins. Did Alec Baldwin really need a paycheck this badly? Oh wait, this is Daniel Baldwin. I really have a hard time telling them all apart.

Look at that guy! He hates god! It's like Two Baldwins are down on the whole Getting down with Jesus..



Also starring that one guy who has been the chief henchman in a thousand other shitty movies as the guy that spouts off predictable reactionary revisionist history tea party drivel about America being founded by modern evangelical baptists!

The dude who played Jefferson D'Arcy must have turned into a Christian nut job after Married with Children ended or something like Kirk Cameron. There's no other way of explaining his role in this other than he was a day out of starving once the Subway dumpsters ran dry. What is up with 80's show actors turning into religious oddballs?

This whole thing is a fairly accurate depiction of most atheists though, only he was slightly more articulate and a lot better looking than your average atheist. Trust me, I'm one of them.

I'm literally the bad guy in this movie. Why? Because I'll have no problem in exposing the fact that Christmas is just a pagan celebration. Fuck you religious nut bags in the ass. You can't have a baby born in the desert in the middle of winter. How does that make any sense? Oh yeah.. and Jesus, if he ever existed, was a black man.

Wow, did I just take a huge dump in your stockings? Good!

One More Christmas Cheer...

One More Christmas Cheer...

So.. it wasn't a great Christmas. In fact, as I sit here after dealing with the (ir)responsible party involved in the destruction of my car and with a bag full of Tamales.. I can safely say that this Christmas was terrible. Part of me wishes that I had just left earlier to arrowhead. Then again, if I did and there was no car, then there might be a whole in the front of my place.... It's bad enough I still need to find a contractor to take care of it, I sure don't need a hole in the front of it.



So here's one final Christmas cheer more importantly just felt the need to post a picture of Batman during the Holidays. You know he is our savior.



Or was that Santa who died for our sins?



Either way, Tuesday's coming, did you bring your coat?



Times like this I feel like just picking up my Calvin and Hobbes issues and crawling into a warm bed...



Because, like what happened with my car, Christmas is never really what you want it to be.



And chances are that the whole holiday will go up in smoke and blow up in your face. Even if you can't picture it how it's suppose to happen, it will still find a way to just end up going up in flames.



Especially if you get shitty presents....



Like say, someone plowing into your car. I've pretty much resigned it to being common knowledge that the street block near me is cursed. Not only was my car destroyed there, but it was also the spot a dog mauled a stray cat that I fed daily and was really close to me. And to a final note, it was also where I was almost killed once by taggers who caused a situation... God damn. That place is hell on Earth..

It's Christmas, can't we get a little peace on earth and good cheer up in this bitch?

I'll Be Home For Christmas -ATHF Style

I'll Be Home For Christmas -ATHF Style

Tis the season for Holiday songs and of course, Holiday song parodies. I think I enjoy them a lot more than I do the originals. The original songs are always boring and sterile in their delivery. So whenever I hear a new take, often pretty shocking take of the holiday songs, I enjoy them. In this instance I have to think about my roots of being nonsensical. ATHF is all about being a 12 minute random thought pattern.

There's not much in the way of story telling when it comes to this cartoon. But what it lacks in actual plot it makes up in comedy. In the following you can see Carl sing I'll Be Home For Christmas. In this instance, I suppose I will be literally, but it's not where I want to be. That will come soon enough. But here, for the time being enjoy the soothing sounds of Carl;



Yeah, that pretty much rocked and told it like it is.

Tori Amos During The Holidays Is Crazy

Tori Amos During The Holidays Is Crazy

Ha. What am I saying. Tori Amos ANY TIME of the year is crazy. Bat shit insane. Don't get me wrong, as a red head I automatically have a lot of love for her. But she was never sane at all, ever

Let's talk about Tori Amos. I'm sure you've heard of her. She's the redheaded pianist/singer/songwriter and used to be truly innovative and talented musician. She release a string of great albums in the 90's and in this one bloggers opinion, was one of the most interesting and unique artist of that decade. She was always a bit eccentric, but was also a musical genius, so it was Ok.

But since around 2001, she fell into a steady decline, releasing a string of progressively shittier albums with progressively more embarrassing titles (Abnormally Attracted to Sin?!). Basically she became a parody of her former self. Now she has hit a new low with the release of "Midwinter Graces," a Christma- oh, I'm sorry, a "seasonal album." which is on the level of a Kenny G move in order to strike sales. In the case of Tori Amos it's a lot worse because she has spent a majority of her career writing songs about how much Christianity sucks.

How is it? Bad, but that seems to be a given these days. What pushed me to talk about this hopefully ignored album is the "Promotional DVD" that was released with the album. I can't really describe how bad this is, so why don't you see for yourself.





It's not pretty. Let's start with the basics, she has not aged gracefully, to put it mildly. Her more loyal fans will deny it but it does seem that she's had plastic surgery. Meanwhile her eyebows now go up at the end and she can barely move her face to sing. She has a serious case of Cat Face going on and it looks like cinematographer's in the video were instructed to make her face look as pasty, frail and clown like as possible.

It's really sad. Tori used to be one of the most natural beauties in the business and I'm not even factoring the whole red head obsession I have going. Then at some point she ran over her face with a floor buffer and she started going bald, which she covered up with ridiculous wigs.



I'm also pretty sure she's addicted to some hard drug. Her former BFF, Neil Gaiman dodges question about her and it doesn't speak well for her social life and her albums have been getting just plain horrible as she's gone from working a clever nymph gimmick to being absorbed completely by her persona.

As for the content of the interview.. it's seriously 30 minutes of her rambling like that video. Making absolutely no sense about anything. She laughs at inappropriate times and she takes long pauses to stare blankly at the floor. She is completely obsesed with her Daddy issues, but then again, that's nothing new as her whole career is based on them, I guess it didn't used to feel so creepy.

With "Midwinter Graces," Tori's transformation into a jedi master of crazy is complete. She's the crazy grandmother who grabs your wrist at family gatherings, and you think you can make some excuse and get away if only she'll stop talking for two seconds.. BUT SHE NEVER SHUTS UP!



I know a lot of artists start phoning it in at some point when they go past their peak, but there are plenty of female artists over 40 who still seem to have it together. There's Kate Bush, Kylie Minogue, Dolly Parton, Alison Goldfrapp, PJ Harvey, Bjork, Madonna.... Ok, I'll get shit for that but I'm sure she wouldn't let anything like Midwinter Graces interview hit the market. Maybe it's just that all these women have been able to reinvent themselves through the yeas and do something fresh and new. Whereas Tori seems determined to keep up the angsty-girl-with-piano-singing-about-rape bit that she's been doing forever.

Her only change seems to have been right after Y Kant Tori Read. What happened? Did she do too many drugs? Has she surrounded herself with yes-men to the point where she believes that every thought that comes into her head is genius and must be shared? Or she not care anymore and is just putting out albums left and right to make a quick buck off her equally crazy fans?



I think that the birth of her daughter in 2000 is also to blame. She's just too damn happy now! I also get the feeling that she has built this Tori Amos character, and she herself is totally different in real life now. It's like Trent and NIN keep on ranting about being completely emo and yet it seems that Trent is a happier person these days. Or if Zach De La Rocha from Rage still screaming about being poor. It eventually loses its meaning.

Her albums have progressively gotten shittier and I keep buying them like an asshole. So, basically, she's a one-woman version of Weezer. I will say that she's still pretty good live. I saw her two years ago and it was a good show. But let me dismiss any rumor that you'll be lucky to go to a Tori concert because of the women. I don't think you'd want any girl you picked up at a Tori Amos concert.



I did like Scarlet's Walk but since that album every track she's done has had the exact same instrumentation and feel to it, and that's when she really started getting predictable with the lyrics too... (Come on, there was a track called "Mrs. Jesus," that sounds like someone doing a Tori impression on SNL.) I'm being glib about it, but it actually does make me sad since I used to be a pretty big fan of hers. So this Holiday season you shouldn't buy the Christma- Midwinter Grace album and just remember what this train wreck of a once-amazing career used to sound like.

WWJB?

WWJB?

Thus far it has been a very merry NPH Christmas as the last 7 gifts that I bought for people have included Neil Patrick Harris. Seasons of How I Met Your Mother from the studio store, Dr. Horrible, Assassins Broadway soundtrack... it seems that Neil Patrick Harris is a major part of this Holiday season.

I also have a little wrist strap that says WWNPHD? I'm pretty sure that the answer would be be awesome.. or sing show tunes.. either one, really. But in that same vain, Morgan Spurlock has produced another documentary that sort of makes you roll your eyes called WHAT WOULD JESUS BUY? and it brings back those bad memories of why I can't fully support Spurlock's rational. Not because of the question asked but how the question is addressed. I thought the premise of Super Size Me was great.



It is a little alarming that so many people rely heavily on fast food places like McDonalds or Burger King as the main method to cook. Have it because you don't have time to shop for food, cook said food or sit down and eat it. The over consumption of unhealthy fast food is a great item to focus on. But where Spurlock failed was in the execution of his example. Of course eating McDonalds three times a day will destroy your health and it's not very practical and allows people to simply discredit the whole project by saying exactly that "Well, duh. No one eats McDonalds three times a day!"

So anyway, never mind my rant (as much) here's the trailer for his latest documentary piece; What Would Jesus Buy?



So What Would Jesus Buy? The Answer? Nothing. It's his birthday, duh. The question should be what he would be asking for... I think maybe a nail removal tool. Certainly not a snuggie or a freedom try....

3/4th of us look towards Christmas with dread instead of anticipation. For example, I just got an e-mail from Amazon telling me that today is the last day to buy something and be sure to get it to the person of receiving by the 24th. This sort of threat seems to... I dunno, make me feel like this whole consumerism thing is bad.

But then again.. I already knew that.



Which lead me to this little moment of clarity about what I usually talk about. Then had the biggest fffffffffffffuck moment possible. Because for as on top of my game that I believed I was in terms of finding those cracks and obvious contradictions in modern day society and being observant of them, I just was blind sighted by the fact that I fell for the oldest trick. In believing that the only way to show my love is by buying it through gifts. Using material goods as a symbol of love. Which is exactly what the marketing people want us to believe.

It really is a shame that I come to this moment of clarity now so close to Christmas and after I got a fair amount of gifts for my girlfriend. A girlfriend who I should very well damn know doesn't need gifts to see that I care for her. At least now I don't have to do any shopping on Christmas Eve for those family members, right? I seem to go out every year on that day for one last thing that I never realize that I needed to get. Mostly it's people watching.



But then it got me thinking about this whole gift giving idea behind Christmas. You know, how parents go out of their way to hide the fact that they bought the gifts by creating this story of Santa bringing them what they wanted in exchange for good behavior like some jail house warden.

I know what you're asking me. Am I going to be one of those assholes who tells his four year old child that Santa Claus is a lie and that the sooner they learn that, the happier they'll be? Considering it's mainly a tool to control the behavior of a child, I really don't see it as a product means to develop a relationship with your kid based on a lie. It doesn't set a good example to teach them not to lie by also creating a lie in itself.

First off, me even talking about a potential child is... pretty scary. If you asked me two years ago, I would have given you a stern "Not gonna bring someone into this hell we call earth is what I'm going to do. It's all just going to get worse!" even though I still blog about how things are getting worse, imagine me with a more dead set no-children mentality.



So me now.. even thinking this is something surprisingly new. I do have to wonder why I would even bother lying to them. Maybe I wont lie to them, Perhaps my offspring will be mentally equipped to identify the fact that the Santa Claus myth is bereft of truth value and they'll be able to do it themselves.

The early pattern of believing in something false and then finding out the truth through use of their own faculties is actually very healthy and will help children in the later years to examine the culturally established norm of "god" and then reject it on their own. See, I'll be raising my own little atheist! How else are they going to throw off the shackles of such a simple control mechanism over them?



Then again, I hope God does exist so that everyone will find out how little he cares about religious dogma. Just as Santa Claus doesn't give a crap about your letters. I'm guessing my kids will thank me later for not having their innocence. Maybe I can tell them sometimes grown ups just make up things for fun.... But fuck it, I'm more than likely going to just tell them that it's a folk lore and a old stories. There's really no harm in that.. the simple truth. Yeah who'd want presents from their loving family when they can have them from an immortal magician who spies on you?

So that's why I like the general idea of this documentary. How about we actually enjoy the holidays with friends and loved ones and ignore the idea of what we're going to buy each other. Still doesn't change the fact that I already fell for the marketing machines.. but still. So while I'm liking the message, I have to say, this film really did a piss poor job in getting it out there.



I have to say, I like his message about the consumerist part of things, but he loses me with some of the anti-wal-mart type of stuff. While I give respect to the guy for how he is taking this type of a performance art to a whole new level, I just can't get behind the whole Jesus stuff. Then that last part with him getting arrested in Disneyland was just silly.

In the film they go after Wal*Mart for a good 20-30 minutes and it seems like it doesn't need to be tossed into this film. Stick to the basic message that, if you are religious, what's the purpose of buying things to celebrate this? You don't have to be a Christian to realize that during this winter solstice, it's more to the point of being near one another since it can be an awfully lonely time of the year, than what you got each other.

Is this what they mean by the Christmas Holiday Spirit? Cause.. I dunno. I think I just feel foolish that I let the idea get into my mind on what I need to do in order to show people I care.

Patton Oswalt's Christmas Shoes

Patton Oswalt's Christmas Shoes

Fuck it, I just love this stand up set by Patton Oswalt. It's also topical. Hope you got your Christmas shopping done already and aren't dealing with the fucking crowds as they get worse and worse.



Just don't buy fucking shoes!

Seasons Greetings From Always Sunny...

Seasons Greetings From Always Sunny...

It's the Christmas season and in this time it's all about spreading cheer. Here the gang of Always sunny send out some Holiday cheer..




Seasons greetings!

Friday Night Flicks - Danny DeVito's Sex Tape

Friday Night Flicks - Danny DeVito's Sex Tape

This past Tuesday saw the release of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia Christmas straight to DVD one hour episode. In it, Charlie got a little mad at Santa and the gang learned a valued lesson about the season. Now if only Charlie learned his lesson about reading his contract. Maybe then he would still retain ownership of Kitten Mittons.

As you can see from this following friday night flick, he just never learns to read all the fine print:

What I Want For Christmas: 3

What I Want For Christmas: 3 Bomb Robots

Every year I get shitty gifts... in that, I get nothing. If I was a Nihilist, I suppose I would be happy. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

It ends up with me having extremely low standards when it comes to the gifts I get. I already know I'm not going to get things I want, so any attempt to make a Christmas list is always tossed out the window. It's why when people ask what I'm hoping for in the Holiday consumer fiasco, I always toss around items that just seem so out there that, if I did get them, I would actually be very surprised that someone A.) got me something and B.) actually listened to what I wanted.

So with that, I'm going to be asking for these sort of robotic things. I know my cousin hates robots and all forms of robotic forms, but I love little things like this that do meaningless actions but entertain in such a way I can hardly describe. All I know is that I think they're Awwwwweeeeeeeesome.

So why not relive my childhood with toys I didn't have as a child...

Tomy's Hootbot


And then we have Tomy's Mr. Money


How awesome are those?

The War On Christmas Begins Today

The War On Christmas Begins Today

It's may be the end of September, but it doesn't seem to be too early to begin the war on Christmas that Christians love to claim is something Atheist or anyone else who doesn't believe in the silly concept that baby Jesus was born in a desert during winter on that CHRISTmas morning. A holiday I've got problems with it? let me tell you, all of them. Every single last one of them. But a war on one specific one? Nah, that's small fries.

As you will find out in this news piece, they're already claiming that the war on Christmas is on and the battleground is the state where the Alamo had it's last stand.. Texas

Proposal would delete 'Christmas' from 6th grade lesson

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) - A proposal for new social studies curriculum in Texas public schools removes a mention of Christmas in a sixth-grade lesson, replacing it with a Hindu religious festival, a change that's riled conservatives who say it's another battle in the "war" against the Christian holiday.

"It's outrageous that the war on Christmas continues in our state and in our nation," said Jonathan Saenz, a lobbyist for the conservative Free Market Foundation. "This effort to mislead students about current society is shameful and must be stopped."

The draft proposal being considered by the State Board of Education won't be formally adopted until next May for the 2011-2012 school year. The standards will remain in place for the next decade, dictating what is taught in government, history and other social studies classes in elementary and secondary schools. The standards also will be used to develop state tests and by textbook publishers who develop material for the nation based on their largest market, Texas.

The standards currently instruct sixth-grade students to be able to explain the significance of religious holidays such as the Christian holidays of Christmas and Easter, the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, and the Jewish holidays of Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah. The proposal, which is set to be debated during a hearing next week, removes the words Christmas and Rosh Hashanah. Diwali, a Hindu festival, is added.

How dare we try to get students to learn a little bit about religious festivals from cultures other than their own at the expense of giving them the trivially simple assignment of explaining the significance of something from their own culture! How dare we do that!

I wish I could sign up for an actual war on Christmas and other corporate consumerist 'Christian' Holidays. While my girlfriend may not like it, I still don't dig Valentine's Day and Easter? Fuck that Holiday. I'm going to be celebrating a Birthday around Easter. No time for a stupid bunny to steal that thunder.

To be honest, we wouldn't have to start the war on Christmas so early if they wouldn't start Christmas so early. It's not even Halloween and I'm seeing some places pop up with festive cheerful things already.



How the hell could they claim persecution? As a member of the world's largest religion, how can you feel your rights are being trodden upon? I'm curious as to what history these Christians are referring to that makes Christmas their holiday? It's just the standard winter festival, only they attached the birth of Jesus to it, which never made sense because a kid born in the desert just sounds like one frozen dead baby. It's pretty clear that it's the same date as the Roman winter festival

Christians only really started getting heavy recently, just over the last 100 years-plus, basically since Dickens. I guess the whole Ghost thing got to him. In the early colonial days, celebrating Christmas was still illegal in some parts of the BUILT ON CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES U.S., because people would get shitfaced and start tearing shit up. And I don't mean their gift wrapping..

What's funny is this is more or less how it's always been and exactly what happened in the late 19th Century. Christmas had always been secondary to East in the Christian calendar and mostly a holiday to get drunk and party hard. Then in the late 18oo's, the "reason for the season" stuff started, but it was completely different from how it is now.



For proof of this, just look at the most famous example of literature from the era, Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. A novel which specifically denounces capitalism and has its protagonist redeem himself by becoming a socialist. I think it's a pretty big slap to the face that there's such a commercial holiday to it now.

Why would they teach Christmas in a history course anyway? High school English classes aren't teaching the bible, although it is an important literary work to the religious type. That has to be some war against Christians as well, right? The bible is the most god awful novel around. They might as well teach John Grisham novels in school.

This is all just another problem caused by trying to create a universal public education system instead of letting parents choose where to send their kids. Oh wait, the universal health care debate isn't this blog.. Sorry, it sort of melts altogether with me.



If I were president, my first act would be to bomb all walmarts with cruise missiles at 6:15AM, Friday after thanksgiving. This would solve so many problems. Such as killing poor people that partake in consumerist holidays when they clearly can't afford them.

I'm only going to be buying my relatives charity donations for Christmas and only asking for books anyway. I'll more than likely be wearing a Dawkins shirt for the entire season for shits and giggles.



Don't even tell me it's a reason for family togetherness. That's the part I hate most about Christmas. It sucks having your family guilt trip you into driving or flying hundreds of miles to see them for a few days when you'd be much happier relaxing at home or going somewhere with someone whose company you actually enjoy and do something fun while everyone else is stuck with their family.

How about if you really cared about your family you just have the same togetherness the rest of the year without having to rely on a commercialized Holiday one day out of the year just so you could check "made awkward small talk with blood relatives" off your list.



One would wonder, if you want to wage war on Christmas, what would be the first step?
1. Kill God
2. ?
3. Did you kill God yet?

Let me tell you what the calendar looks like for that time of year;

Liberal atheist agenda for 12/25

09:00am-War on Christmas
11:00am-War on Kwanzaa
12:30am-Lunch with Janice
01:30pm-War on Chanukkah

It's not like I'm sending Christmas an unending rain of mortar fire, exploding tree shrapnel and manger scene fragments everywhere hitting civilians with cheer. You don't see me slapping some economic sanctions on Christmas first in an attempt to work something out.



I have to say, most Holidays celebrated in America are boring as fuck. Shit like Dia De Los Muertos and Holi are way cooler than anything we celebrate. Arbor day? Flag day? What a bunch of loser holidays. Dia De Los Muertos: awesome bread, sugar skulls, serious reflection on life and death. Halloween: Free candy to keep our children fat and 'sexy' costumes as an excuse to dress like a slut. Seriously, dress like a slut everyday, I will be the first to tell you that I wont mind. Fuck halloween, Dia De Los Muertos owns

But I guess the American economy would be decimated without Christmas, so a war on Christmas is a WAR ON AMERICA! That's right you non-Christmas celebrating heathens, you're terrorist of the worse kind. All of you!

Holidays are just the government telling you when you can go on a three day bender. I shouldn't have to get permission from big brother to get shit faced for three days. So fuck it, let the war begin. I'm ready to practice a scorched earth sort of strategy. Ho ho Fuckin' Ho!

A Week Without A Comic Book

A Week Without A Comic Book

Last week we found out that this Christmas isn't going to be a happy one for comic book collectors. If you're reading this on a Wednesday, you more than likely already picked up your new books today. If you're not in the know, what normally happens is that new comic books come out on Wednesdays. When a holiday pops up on any other day at the beginning of the week comic book day usually gets bumped back one day to Thursday.

But when Christmas and New Years happening back to back, that usually bumps the books back another day. In short, since if you're not a comic reader, this is boring as hell, that time of the year is a little difficult for those looking for new books. This year will be even more hard for those nerdy folks as the comic distributor Diamond isn't even going to bother shipping comics the week of New Years.

Diamond Skip Week Advisory: No New Product Shipments Week of DECEMBER 28
In consideration of UPS’ holiday delivery schedule, and in consultation with retailers and publishers, Diamond will not be shipping product to customers the week of December 28.

“Most of our customers receive their shipments via 1-Day, 2-Day, or 3-Day UPS, with 3-Day shipments tendered to UPS on Friday,” explained Diamond Vice President of Operations Cindy Fournier. “With Christmas and New Year’s falling on Friday this year, we would not be able to tender product for 3-Day retailers until Monday, December 28. But because there will be no UPS service on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day, product which could reach 1-Day and 2-Day retailers on December 30, would not reach our 3-Day UPS customers until January 4. In light of this, and based on conversations with our customers and suppliers, we agreed that a skip week was the fairest, most prudent way to proceed.”

I have to say, this is terrible news. How can you make New Years an even more lonelier time for nerds? It's bad enough that they'll more than likely not have any sort of gift they actually wanted, but to top it all off, they wont be able to spend their Christmas money from na'na on new comics?

Come on Diamond, don't be a dick like that. Why you gotta be a hater? I need my new books! Where else am I going to figure out what Captain America is doing for the New Years? Do you think Batman would take the time off? I think not!

Besides that, comic stores are already feeling the pinch during that time of the year. Nerds are terrible to shop for and business is typically slow because those who would normally shop for new books are spending their money on gifts for loved ones. So you can see how this is just adding insult to injury.

Oh well, I guess I'm lucky to not be THAT much of a nerd. In that I'm social enough that I can do things to occupy my time and not have the lack of reading material get me down. Still seems pretty silly to just give up entirely making the following week all that much more difficult.

The night Santa went crazy

The Night Santa Went Crazy

When it was just grandma that got run over by his reindeer I assumed it was an accident and this jolly ol' saint Nick wasn't actually evil. That viewpoint changed with the news today showing that Santa Killed 3 and then himself.

A man dressed as Santa Claus opened fire at a Christmas Eve party in a suburban Los Angeles home that subsequently caught fire, leaving three people dead, police said.

The man arrived at the party in Covina late Wednesday and immediately opened fire with a handgun, police Lt. Pat Buchanan said.

Buchanan says three bodies were found after the fire was put out. He could not say how the fire started or how the three people died.

Buchanan says three other people were injured. A woman in her 20s and an 8-year-old girl had gunshot wounds that were not life-threatening, and a third person had a broken ankle.

Police are seeking a man they are calling a person of interest, 45-year-old Bruce Jeffrey Pardo. Buchanan said Pardo is the estranged husband of a person who may have been at the party.

Police received several 911 calls with reports of shots fired at 11:30 p.m. Wednesday night, and were still hearing gunshots after they arrived and found the house in flames, Buchanan said.

When Fox news said that there was a war on Christmas I should have listened. The alternative titles to this article would have been Santa Clause is gunning you down, Merry Christmas not Scary Christmas, Spreading that Holiday Fear and Ho Ho Holy shit that man has a gun! But since it's the Holidays I'll hold back on the terrible puns... ok, so I wont. But I'll attempt to curb it.



Baldwin Park and West Covina are mostly shitholes..but Covina itself? It really only recently started getting shitty. When the ghetto keeps expanding it's eventually going to consume the surrounding areas -hungry for more souls. And let's not forget the wonderful circus of lost souls and shattered dreams that is the canyon city of Azusa. It's only a matter of time before some crazy dude dresses as the Easter Bunny and slaughters countless.

The suspect in question for such a killing spree shoved a coal up his stocking and offed himself. It's going to be tough to explain to the kids next year that Santa killed himself. Just make sure to explain that it wasn't because little Timmy and Jenny asked for way too much and Santa couldn't handle the stress.


Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. What if it turns out the people he killed... were terrorists? What then? Perhaps we should be treating this man like a hero. A Jack Bauer of the Holiday world. Nah, the dude was certified insane. As anyone would be if they've been working with elves all year creating toys for all the boys and girls. It was only a matter of time before that big fat man went to far! Santa needs to be stopped!

If it's not because of this random murders that he happens to commit every couple of years, it's because the whole idea of a fat man in a suit being allowed into your home without any question as to safety should not be allowed! Think of what it teaches the children. As well as create expectations to kids that anything the want they can get simply by putting it on a Christmas list. Oh sure, they have to be good. But who's to say what's behaving good and what counts as being bad? What if Santa's standards for good and bad change. We can't trust the moral compass of a man who goes on a killing spree every couple of years.



Oh what the hell, one more picture of the jolly old fat crazy bastard!