Tuesday, September 24, 2013

What The Fuck Was That, Dexter?

What The Fuck Was That, Dexter?

Oh, go fuck yourself, show. Go fucking die. Wait, you're over now. Either way, go fuck yourself, Dexter! 

After the season started and it went down in quality... something which I didn't think was humanly possible considering fucking awful the last few seasons of Dexter have been.... But yeah, I could have foreseen a lot of possible outcomes to this show, and not a single one of them involves Miller Time.

It was fucking bad. I mean, it was really fucking bad. Though, I don't know about most of you, but right after I watched the pilot 8 years ago, I called it. I said that guy, that serial killer is gonna become a fucking lumberjack.

I'm not even sure what the point of that epilogue was. You tell me the difference here:
Dexter dies and is gone from everyone's lives forever
Dexter fakes his death, becomes a lumberjack and is gone from everyone's lives forever.

There's really no practical difference except Dexter gets to live in one and dies in the other. But I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself here. Let's go back to the final confrontation of this season. Between some random killer named Saxon and a bounty hunter named Elway who are after Dexter and his suddenly love of his life, Hannah. That alone is a terrible match up.

What's worse is that Dexter is constantly given this bullshit line that no matter how much selfish shit he does, nothing is ever his fault and that he deserves to be happy. Fuck you, show. Fuck you Deb for even saying that line and not simply laying there silent in protest to such shitty writing.

Does he deserve love? I mean, how the fuck is he in love with Hannah to begin with? She's a wanted serial killer who is very recognizable and chooses to not change her hair or make up or anything for that matter and goes out in public.. in this last episode even went to a damn airport and somehow wasn't noticed, but sure enough an ER nurse notices her.

Saxon getting caught at the hospital is probably the first time in several years that Miami Metro has actually caught a criminal. But that quota of being a decent police force can't go on for too long, they had to allow Dexter to come in and killer their nation wide wanted persons of interest.

How come Saxon, an experienced serial killer who knows how to remove brains, decided to poke Dexter in the shoulder with a pen rather than do what Dexter did and stab him in the neck? Or even in the eye.. or shit, anywhere it might have actually killed or at least severely wounded Dexter?  I don't get how this could even be self defense.

I can't talk enough about how Deb died. I mean, just a few seasons ago she got the same gut gunshot and survived. But I guess that in an attempt to add drama to this show, she gets brain damage. I'm sure that the doctors tried to explain it simply that his sister has taken a turn for the worse and it appears that she has substantial brain impairment that she can only now express herself with only a string of gibberish such as "shitcock, motherfuck, Jizzbuckets".

That's our Deb!  :Credits roll:

Instead we have Dexter go into the hospital and kills Deb. Make no mistake, he killed her. Then he wheels her body out of the hospital on a gurney and carries her onto a boat, because nobody in Dexter's Miami pays attention to anything ever. How did he get past all those people? Also, hospitals in Miami, for some reason have boat parking. Go figure.

I couldn't help it, I just laughed way too fucking hard at Dexter carrying Deb's body out to his boat and tossing it in the water. I mean, what if Quinn wanted to see this professed love of his life again or to mourn her and give her a proper burial? She was entitled to a police funeral with full honors and all that jazz. but Dexter just dumped her in the water like the corpse he killed. It's pretty clear that he doesn't give a shit about anybody. At the most, she'll end up just getting a fucking stupid bench in the park and end up being a body that washes up due to the hurricane.

But after he dumps her body, he drives his boat into the hurricane due to this notion that no one can be safe around him. But then again, driving himself into the hurricane isn't the best or most responsible choice for a sole surviving parent of a small child to do.

Speaking of that whole situation with Hannah and Harrison...

It was fucking hilarious how Elway magically appeared on that bus. Had he been sitting there the whole time and Hannah just was too blind to notice? Or how about the fact that she never leaves home without a syringe full of horse tranq. Boy that tension lasted all of 5 seconds. What a wonderfully happy ending that Dexter had in finally getting rid of the last of his kids. Sure, he had to ditch him with a serial killer in a foreign country, but a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

The writer's justification for all this was "In some ways, it's almost the fact that because she is a killer, that makes her more worthy of protecting his son" Man, that's fucking so beautiful, I want to laugh some more.

Harrison is going to have some really awkward conversation with Hannah when he gets old enough to start asking things like "Wait, so what happened to my real parents? And how did you meet my dad again?" That's assuming she doesn't just poison that annoying little shit Dexter stuck her with. Or maybe she'll just buy a treadmill.

But it is troubling that Dexter just sent Harrison off into a hurricane on a bus with his serial killer girlfriend just so he won't have to do any parenting for the rest of the series. It's not like he has done much parenting anyway.

If Dexter really cared about Harrison, he'd have sent him to live with his grandparents along with Astor and Cody. He had a great and reasonable option that wasn't "send him off with a wanted murderer who I've known for a few months." and he choose to do the opposite. Shit, even thinking about Astor and Cody, who I doubt you even remember who they are, but they just lost a half-brother to some other country and a serial killer. How fucked up is that? 

The whole season just felt so disjointed and it seems that the writers came up with it over the course of a night after a shit ton of drinks. Half the characters on the show had story lines that went absolutely nowhere. It was like they were told an hour before shooting that these actors were under contract and they needed to be doing something to fill up air time.

Masuka, who I don't even think was in the last episode, and his daughter was the most glaring of pointless stories. It had to be the biggest waste of time of all. I mean, I like the actress from Friday Night Lights, but it's pretty comical that she has to do this show and take off her top on screen for a new gig while you have Landry over in Breaking Bad being utterly amazing. The whole daughter story just sort of fizzled the worst of all the loose ends this show created.

Then you have Quinn who wanted to be a Sergeant for the first half of the season and then when he didn't get it, acted as if it never even happened. And what about the woman who did get the promotion? You never saw or heard from her again. Matthews for some reason was protective of the Hamilton family all season as if they had secrets to be protected, but it never ended up anywhere. And as for Zach, did anyone seem to care after he went mission outside of a short conversation between Vogel and Matthews? Nope.

But here's a sum up of a few subjects to think about after watching the finale:

Masuka's daughter
That chick that got promoted over Quinn
The bloody stuffed animal
Blood Slides
Hannah tried to kill deb
Chicky Heines
LaGuerta bench
Brain surgeon dude was going to expose Dexter if caught
He walked by a hospital full of people carrying a body
He walked by a hospital full of people carrying a body
Lumen is still alive
Dark Passenger
Quinn was suspicious that Dexter was a killer
Dexter once murdered a man in an airport and left the body in unclaimed luggage
Dexter used to have a bug-out-bag for if he had to flee Miami
Where did the half a million dollars Hannah had go? Did it magically get into a bank account after being in a suitcase?

I'm sure I could go on for a long time about all this, but I can't even believe people were paid to produce this show's season.
In the end, if you've ever watched a second of this show, you really need to go and watch season 8 because you need to understand how incredibly important it is that you not accidentally mislead someone into thinking this show is worth watching.

Because it should be well know that it's not. Fuck this show for being good the first season and making me feel obligated to keep watching.

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