Obama - What Have You've Done For Me Lately?

Obama - What Have You've Done For Me Lately?

The democratic party really needs to fire their PR company. I mean, do you seriously want to highlight the fact that Obama has done things with a "What have you've done for me lately" mentality? You're not even giving those disenfranchised Obama voters the benefit of the doubt that they have an attention span of a gnat

But sure enough, while the tea party has been out there converting the standard sheeple disenfranchised GOP right wingers, the democratic left has created this:

What The Fuck Has Obama Done So Far?

This shit is fucking terrible and it's nothing really to be proud of. Especially if you're a democrat, there's no reason to be proud of your party for coming up with this witty and yet 'In-you-face' promotion to show those republiCANTs that Obama actually has done a lot of shit. But you see, I have a bit of a problem with this whole concept. It just doesn't cover everything.

I kept clicking to see if "Won Nobel Peace Prize and then Bombed the shit out of Pakistan and Yemen" would come up, but no luck on that one so far.

I'm also wondering why "Increased military spending when he suggested he would decrease it" didn't make the list. Though maybe it's just a problem with their random generator as it's a fairly important Obama achievement to not highlight.

How about Issuing an executive order to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay... Whoooops! That one's on the to-do list.

"Ended Bush administration's CIA program of 'enhanced interrogations methods' by requiring that the Army field manual be used as a guide for terrorism interrogations"

How awesome and progressive. So now we're just torturing them under different standards! Oh wait, no. We just started letting the Iraqi and Syrian soldiers torture and do all of the heavy lifting while we turn a blind eye on all that we taught them.

Increased average fuel economy standards from 27.5mpg to 35.5mpg, starting in 2016.. Though by then the newly elected republican President will take the credit for that.

Significantly increasing funding for the Violence Against Women Act. is something that only 51% of the population will care about. But still, it's good none the less.

I'm a little unsure on what "Increased minority access to capital" means though. He did also appoint more openly gay officials than any other president in US history. And in case you're wondering, yes this does include Kagan.

But again, it's only been two fucking years. I like to think that we, as a people, would be a little more patient in how much one man can do in two years to make up for 8 years of total shit getting tossed in the fan. But as we can see from the mid-term elections, the American public is fucking idiots.

Though, I'm not going to be surprised in two years when the republicans are scrapping together their own "What the fuck have the republicans done so far?" in attempt to overlook the fact that two years of back and forth circles with Obama did nothing to help the country. All this hope and change sure hasn't amounted for much.

So the answer to what the fuck has Obama done so far? Not even a fraction of what the American public hoped for in some sort of miracle turn around and in some instances, some seriously fucked up shit - Which I guess just goes to show you that once you become President, you're let inside the circle of knowledge of some seriously fucked up shit that keeps you doing the status quo.

American Foreign Conflict Status? It's Complicated OR Obama, I'mma Let You Finish, But Kissinger Had The Best Peace Prize Speech OF ALL TIME

American Foreign Conflict Status? It's Complicated OR Obama, I'mma Let You Finish, But Kissinger Had The Best Peace Prize Speech OF ALL TIME

Ok, that was a long title, but I just merged two topics I have been meaning to talk about into one. The Afghanistan proposed 18 month decision and the recent Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech. You see, for the first one, the United States Department of Defense and The Joint Chies of Staff brought us (via PA Consulting Group / PA Knowledge Limited) the layout for Afghanistan.


Full PDF presentation from PA Consulting

As you can see, it's beyond complicated on how they're going to do this... and do it in 18 months.
Then again, I could make a similar chart trying to decide what cereal to buy at the store. One could even say that this was him being scared. Every time I've tried to map out every nuance of a decision it was because I was too scared to just make a move.

The New York Times - At War From the Front Lines Blog posted:

For anyone wondering why it took President Obama three months to decide on a strategy for Afghanistan, a look at these military schematics uncovered by NBC’s Richard Engel might help explain the weeks of deliberation that went into the plan. The material outlines the military’s counterinsurgency, or COIN, strategy.

The maps, which look like something Cy Twombly might put together on a spirograph, make it plain that whatever the timeline for deployment and withdrawal, there appears to be no straight line to victory in Afghanistan

For those of you who complain that he took 3 months to decide on Afghanistan, you shouldn't be. As you can see, it was pretty complex. Though it does seem that now the plan seems to be Kill Browns. Got it?

In hindsight, it is sort of a waste of time simply because all his careful deliberation still led him down the BURN AFGHANS path. It looks like half of it is cultural/belief tolerance and respect and building some sort of infrastructure. We're still going to lose tho... but maybe if they do A LOT of humanitarian aid it won't be a complete waste of blood shed. Maybe the US will even work to remove every landmine... ahahahahahaha yeah, never mind.



I know it would be a task to try to complete, but it would actually do a lot more good. There's people in Laos that still fear walking in the field do to landmines and other explosives we dropped on them. It wouldn't be that difficult. there's Sprayable "eco-friendly" bacteria that illuminates on contact with organic explosives vis-a-vis landmines. The site is pretty impressive and it includes a photo of an elephant who's hoof was blown off by a landmine.

Back to the graph and let's see what it actually says:

1) despite being there a while, we still don't understand the all-important local situations very well
2) the central government is a complete and utter failure
3) because the government is fucked nobody trusts it enough to support them over the insurgency. if they're on our side it's for reasons which have nothing to do with the government and everything to do with local politics which we still don't really understand.
4) we can't seem to fix their economy, which goes hand in hand with the central government being worthless
5) at least the insurgents are having trouble working together and haven't all allied under the banner of some third party to drive us into the sea

This is why Obama's decision was basically a catch all that let him make no decision while buying himself 18 months of free reign and making pullout of Afghanistan a non-issue for the next election. We've been here before. I'm not even going to say Vietnam. That's not what I'm talking about. During the whole Rambo II style of liberating Afghanistan from Russia by armoring them, it was a mess. The guerrillas didn't work together during the soviet-afgan war. They were fighting36 different groups.

Moving on to the second part of this. The Peace Prize... specifically the speech given. Well, let's get to the prize first. The Dalai Lama, who never says anything bad about anyone ever, had this to say:

As President Barack Obama prepares to accept the Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo, the Dalai Lama told Sky News he believes the award is "a little early" and cautioned the U.S. president against relying too much on his advisers.

The exiled Tibetan leader won the Nobel prize 20 years ago for his peaceful opposition to Chinese rule in his country.

President Obama is in Norway to collect his award, which he has controversially been awarded in his first year in office. Some commentators have joked that the award was for "not being George Bush".

The Dalai Lama told Sky News: "I think if you are realistic, it may have been a little early but it doesn't matter, I know Obama is a very able person. Sometimes these individual persons rely on different advice from different people so like former President Bush junior, as a human being I really love him, really wonderful person, very honest, very truthful.

"But I think due to his advisers' views, some of his policies have been a disaster."

Obama declined to meet the Dalai Lama during a recent visit to Washington, with observers pointing out it may have been awkward to do so just before the president travelled to China.

This is a guy who praises and prays for the leaders of the CCP who order monks and nuns to be rounded up and tortured for owning pictures of him. He is the DEFINITION of patience. And he thinks it was unwarranted.

In the speech Obama said things like;

"Peace movements wouldn't have stopped Hitler"

I'm sure the two dozen or so remaining members of Al-Qaeada hiding somewhere in Afghanistan are not Nazi Germany...

"I reserve the right to unilaterally defend my country"

Against? Again, the terrorist have moved to Pakistan. So I don't know what we're defending ourselves from. Then he goes on and name drops Ronald Reagan.... That has to be worse than anything else. The whole visit so far felt like a bunch of backwards villagers trying to impress the cool city guy.

"We can have war and still strive for peace"

Summary: we need to kill everything in afghanistan because of peace. Obama, I'mma let you finish, but Kissinger had the best peace price troll OF ALL TIME. The Kissinger Peace prize was pretty awful in retrospect, but at least it was given for a specific reason (the withdrawal of American forces from Vietnam) and was shared between him and whoever the Vietnamese representative was.



You have to be ballsy and evil to accept the Nobel Peace Prize fter committing nmore troops to an unjust war. Oh, and after you just sold out your country to the pharmaceutical and health insurance companies. Ha, now that's the slap to the face.

In other news, Obama accepted the Slimmer of the Year award while wearing curry-stained track pants. His speech was largely inaudible, as he insisted on eating a 12" deep-dish pizza through the ceremony.

My Nobel speech would be something less preachy and with more buzz phrases.

"Bring back Chappelle Show, cancel Gossip Girls." "I hope Avatar bombs."

I guess the real problem here is that it's not even so much that he's a politican and goes back on his word and promises. It's the way he does it. Obama ignited the passions of a generation of youth whose political coming of age was to rally around this HOPE and CHANGE of Bush's policies coming from one of the most traumatic single incidents in the nation since the Peal Harbor attacks and he just seems to follow the same sort of mentality, only he's a lot better at giving the speech to why he's doing it.

It's only now that those who voted for him are actually aware of what his policies were the whole time. it's not that he just lied or he baited an entire demographic who up until then had nobody acknowledge their fears, they lied to themselves. They never really knew his policies and were dazzled by the idea of change. But this speech as well as his recent actions just shit on those voters dreams and idea of what is change. It's not like he actively shit upon the hopes of a generation, he just opened their eyes to what the reality of politics is.

The Not-So-Manchurian Candidate

The Not-So-Manchurian Candidate

Once Obama was elected I was worried that some racist moron would take a shot at him. So much in fact that I put him on my 2009 dead pool list. Well, I was right. Mostly about the moron part. It seems like only morons are trying to kill the president.

Capitol Police have arrested a man on Tuesday afternoon who said he had a delivery for President Obama and a rifle.

Obama was aboard Air Force One at the time of the incident.

Let's be fair and balanced here and look at other news sources on this piece. It really can't be as open and shut as this report is stating. I mean.. what kind of moron is this guy?

Politico wrote:

Capitol Police spokeswoman Kimberly Schneider says the man did not make an explicit threat against the president. -- (6:35 p.m.)

More details on Capitol Hill arrest: The man walked up to a "birdcage," one of the Capitol Police guard shacks in the driveway. When challenged for identification, the man was "talking funny," according to a CP officer. Police asked whether he had any weapons, he told them that he had a .22 caliber rifle. -- John Bresnahan (5:56 p.m.)

Capitol police have arrested a man on the Hill who said he had a delivery for President Obama and a rifle. -- Josh Gerstein (5:30 p.m.)

AFP wrote:

The man drove up to the barricade at about 4 p.m. EST and "told us he had a delivery for President Obama," said Sergeant Kimberly Schneider.

Under questioning, "he admitted to having a rifle" in his truck, prompting officers to arrest him and take him to capitol police headquarters, where charges against him were pending, Schneider told AFP.

CNN wrote:

Sgt. Kimberly Schneider identified the man as Alfred Brock, 64, of Winnfield, Louisiana. She said Brock was charged with possession of an unregistered firearm and unregistered ammunition.

I think the better way to report this is "Area Man Gets Drunk, Arrested". Well. Let's not jump to conclusions. Elvis did bring Nixon a handgun. Now if only he'd use it on himself... I'm really glad that everyone who wants to kill Obama is terrible and shitty at assassination.

This does strike the same cord as the fundie who tried to blow up an abortion clinic by running a car full of gas cans into the side wall. Only he failed to take into account the fact that contrary to Hollywood stereotypes, gas isn't an explosive.

He did more damage to his car than the building.

I would hope any would-be assassin's are as competent as the current lot. Hell, this guy didn't even have the idea to check if Obama was home. It was all over the news that Obama was in Florida. You'd think these assassins would put some thought into these things.

Its pretty disgusting people actually want to assassinate him though. They could use pretty much any black guy as a body double since the type of person who would assassinate Obama probably can't tell them folks apart.

I have to wonder what he's going to do with a .22 rifle, even if he could get anywhere close to the white house? Shoot some of the squirrels?

How did this guy think he was going to carry out his cunning plan anyway? really wonder how that guy thought this was all going to go down:

"Why hello there constable! got a delivery for our swarthy commander in chief! Why yes my usual means of delivery conveyance is at the mechanics, leaving me with this rusty 1987 Ford F-150 as a backup for my important deliveries! Ho ho now why would a deliveryman like myself carry around 'weapons' that's the silliest thing I've heard all day _{shut up shut up shut up Alfred just stick to the plan it's airtight}"

I guess we're going to have to deal with poorly planned assassinations until the next batch of disgruntled marines come back from deployment. It does make me wonder what happened to the good ol' days when people had some creativity behind it.

Hell, with Clinton someone tried to crash a plane into the White House. But then, back in the heady 90's, people had gumption. Even he did crash into a tree instead of hitting the Clinton's bedroom as planned.

I kinda liked the guy who just straight up stormed the White House with a shotgun under the Clinton Administration and actually got a decent way through the grass area before getting taken down. That was a dude who could get things done; what kind of things I don't think even he was sure, but hey.

Jack Handey Said it best:

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

So with that in mind, have a safe (more than likely going to be safe with morons like this being the cream of the crop in assassination attempts) Presidents Day. Now I'm not sure if this is one of those fake Government only holidays or if you're suppose to be out back manning the grill. How about you do a little bit of both. In that you should man the grill while working on your government job.

Oh Ashley B, You So Crazy!

The True Story Revealed: Ashley Todd

Most of you have probably heard of the case of Ashley Todd, the former Ron Paul supporter turned College Republican/McCain campaign worker who shocked the dumb portion of the world with her story of being attacked by a large black man outside of an ATM who carved the letter B in her cheek. Here's a news article if you missed all this:

Todd handed the man $60 she had in her pocket and stepped away from him, investigators said. The man then noticed the bumper sticker on the woman's car, which was parked in front of the ATM. The man became very angry, made comments to Todd about John McCain and punched her in the back of the head, knocking her to the ground, police said.

"He continued to kick and punch her repeatedly and said he would teach her a lesson for supporting John McCain," said police Chief Nate Harper.

The man then carved the "B" into Todd's right cheek.

Todd's friend offered to drive her back in the direction she came from to look at ATMs until she found the right one, police said. A police officer followed until Todd pointed out a Citizens Bank ATM at Liberty and Pearl, police said.

She declined medical treatment at the scene and said she would go to a hospital today.

There were some problems with her story, of course. The first is that, like me, she twitters her every waking moment, she obsessively documented on Twitter every step of her night. Except maybe she was setting things up a little too conveniently for what she would have no way of knowing was going to happen next. Oh, and maybe she got a few bits of info wrong too, referring to the Citizens Bank as a Bank of America, and saying things like "this is definitely a bad part of town, I'm gonna get mugged by an angry political black man I bet" about a not bad part of town.

Oh, also maybe the B was backwards and didn't break the skin. Like how it'd be if you drew one really hard with your fingernail in the mirror.

Then, despite her airtight story, Ashley failed to shock the world by announcing that she had made it all up.

Ashley Todd, 20, of College Station, Texas, has been charged with filing a false police report, a misdemeanor, a police report said.

"This has wasted so much time...It's just a lot of wasted man hours," Assistant Police Chief Maurita Bryant said at a briefing.

But there's a twist:

"She is stating that she was in her vehicle driving around, and she came up with this idea," [Bryant] said. "She said she has prior mental problems and doesn't know how the backward letter 'B' got on her face."

Wait. Hold it there.

She admits to making it up, but she doesn't know how she ended up with a fake black eye and a backwards B very very lightly carved on her face? I guess that makes perfect sense. Sometimes minor stuff just slips our minds.

Which is why I've decided to help jog her memory by coming up with a few possibilities as to how it all actually went down:

Scenario 1

Ashley Todd was at a Citizens Fargo Bank of America ATM, getting her money and minding her own business in a bad part of a good part of town when a large black man came up to her.

"Hi," he said. "I see you work for the McCain campaign."

"Yeah..." she said.

"Cool! I work for the McCain campaign as well," he said. "You want a temporary McCain tattoo?"

"Sure."

"Ok, I'm just going to put a J on your face for 'John'. So there's the first swoop and I'll finish it up and...oops."

"Ow!"

"Yeah, my hand slipped. Looks like I kinda added a second swoop on that J. My bad."

"No worries," said Ashley, "I'll just say that you kicked and punched me repeatedly and said you would teach me a lesson for supporting John McCain."

"Ha, good one. Alright, have a nice night now."

Scenario 2

Ashley Todd was about to head out the door to go for a late night food run when it suddenly struck her that she might forget what she was setting out to buy.

"My memory's usually so good," she said to her kitchen table, "but maybe I should make a list."

She searched and searched, but couldn't find a scrap of paper anywhere.

"Now what am I going to do?" she said to the microwave.

Then an idea struck her. It was a great idea. The perfect idea.

"The only thing I really need right now is bread. I'll just scratch a B on my face with the edge of my credit card."

And she did. She admired the fading pink B lightly etched in her cheek.

"Yeah," she said. "There's just no way I'll forget what this is for. Just no way."

Then she kissed the giant poster of McCain that covered like half her bedroom wall, and she left. Except as she was going she also said: "It would basically be impossible for me to carve a B in my face and then forget doing it. That's the best part of this idea.

"No way in hell I would forget this. Nope. Not gonna happen."

Scenario 3

"But I'm telling the truth," said Ashley. "I don't know what else you want to hear."

"It doesn't matter what we want to hear," said Police Chief Nate Harper. He leaned back, and unbuttoned his shirt halfway. Sweat glistened from the landscape of curly hair and bronzed skin that was his chest. "Honey, we're only keeping you here until we can reasonably say you cracked and admitted it was all fake."

Ashley felt herself flush with frustration, especially her cheek, which definitely had a real wound shaped like a backwards B.

"I don't believe it. I thought you people were here to help," she cried.

Assistant Police Chief Maurita Bryant threw down her styrofoam coffee cup in disgust and strode across the room.

"Don't waste our time, little girl!" Bryant sneered. "This has wasted so much time. ... It's just a lot of wasted man hours."

"I guess she still doesn't get it," said Harper. He took one thick meaty hand and dug into the flesh at the base of his broad neck. The skin began to warp and stretch like warm play-doh. His entire face peeled back revealing Barack Obama.

Bryant grabbed her pony tail and yanked up like she was taking off a hat. Her mask popped off instantly. It was also Barack Obama.

"Soon, little girl, your pitiful human race will belong to us," said the two in unison. They began to laugh. Cold, cruel, inhuman laughter.

Ashley looked back and forth at the two Obamas, their faces wet and slimy, like newborns. The backwards B was hard red against the soft white of her cheek. Then she grabbed her ears and pulled sideways.

"Oh, my bad. I didn't realize," the third Obama said, shaking off the last of the Ashley mask. "It can be hard to keep track of all of us. Whew, we almost tried to conspiracy each other!"

"Whoops ha ha!" said the second Obama.

"Classic," said the first Obama. "Ok, let's get these disguises back on and go bullshit the press."