LAPD Big Brother Is Watching You

LAPD Big Brother Is Watching You

The LAPD doesn't have the best record at handling things. From poor race relations from the May Day mishandling to OJ Simpson, the LAPD has been knowingly fucked up since the riots over Rodney King.

The Chief of Police said the entire problem would have been easily fixed by just going out and shooting a few people. Perhaps more infamous for his views on drug use before the Senate Judiciary Committee that infrequent or casual drug users "ought to be taken out and shot" because "we're in a war" and even casual drug use is "treason." Later he said those words were just calculated hyperbole.

In short, the LAPD is the manifestation of almost every single "the police are corrupt" stereotype that exist and the fact that they're moving their HQ out of the Parker Center is only fitting given that the place was named that after the Mayor who cracked down on police corruption in the 20's.

So when this new iWatch program comes out I really have to laugh and wonder who is really going to get involved in this shit. I mean, just take a look at this advertisement for the program and then finish reading my rantings on it. I implore you to add a comment if you do live in Los Angeles about this subject;



I know the word gets tossed around a lot these days but how much more Orwellian can you get than that? I mean, yes. The broad with the red hair is really hot, but don't let that fog your view on this message that you should be ratting out your neighbor. Especially if they're Indian.

You just know that the Indian girl in the ad was arrested for terrorism after this video. There's no way that didn't happen afterwards. Gotta detain her to ask questions later...

Let me give this a try.. "I would like to report a bunch of Marxist taking over the Federal Government and violating the constitutional right to free speech, private property, confiscation of property, and violations of the 2nd and 10th amendments... Whatcha gonna do about that, LAPD? "

Hmm, I guess that didn't work. Maybe I was just shooting to high in my expectations. More than likely this is going to be used by annoying neighbors to complain about the loud college kids down the hall.

"Hello, iWatch? My nieghbor is playing loud music. Oh, that's not a crime? Well, that towel head looks like he's up to something. What with his shifty eyes and what not. Clearly he's a terrorist of high levels. Speaking a language that isn't G.W.'s English. I dare say, he may be sneaking in drugs and atomic suitcases to bring into our nation. Oh yes, he is loud and I do believe I saw him take into his home a lot of bags of fertilizer. Must be growing a weed plant and selling it on the streets. Yes, go and bust down that door and tell him to turn it down while you beat him in the kidneys with your black stick."


How about that douche bag that changes his oil in our god damn apartment complex? What a fucker! That's not where you're suppose to drain your oil! Go to Jiffy Lube for that, Mister! You're not welcome to do it here, good sir! I'm going to call the LAPD hotline for Terrorism on him at any given time and it gives me great freedom to know this. They will arrive at his house with some ugly up-armored vehicle and blast his door down like he lives in Baghdad. Grenades and shotguns cocked, locked and ready to pull the trigger. No Mercy, No Warrant. He is brown and that's all the Hotline needs to know - They need nothing more because we have Modern laws.....

Yes Officer, I did see him collaborating with some A-Rabs... no, I was unable to overhear what he said but I am sure they mentioned Weapons Of Mass Destruction, yes, whole suitcases full and an unregistered Cadillac rented by Joe Biden... the Vice President, none other Sir... of course I have identification. I am a fulltime Doctor hired by ESPN to keep Terrell Owens alive on the Bills roster. Trent Edwards is human slime but we must keep The Faith alive so that is why I fly first-class with leather bags full of money and Samoan ritual weapons. You can offer a man a million dollars, but a Ulu Manu speaks in all languages.

Seriously folks. Terrorism is the dumbest of America's conceived bogeymen. This Halloween you don't have to worry about dracula, the werewolf or any other scary monster. You just have to look to your neighbor and assume that they are up to something. The enemy now is you.. (cue in scary music here) and it's really the dumbest shit I had to realize that we are so scared of each other and terrorism.

Then again, Halloween is not new to scares like this. Razor blades in apples and candies are a classic one that is just pretty silly. Though it's a walk in the park considering how hysterical to just about everything else these days.

The Week That Was: How A Balloon Boy Showed Us The Media Sucks

The Week That Was: How A Balloon Boy Showed Us The Media Sucks

Well, actually we already knew the Television news outlets were a joke. It's just that with this whole Balloon Boy we were reminded on how bad of a joke it is. The Newspapers suck terribly and are one foot in the grave, if not burying themselves by the day and while it's pretty much known that Fox news is the worst piece of shit on your screen for accuracy, CNN is equally as bad when it comes to actually reporting real news.

Meet the Heene family. You may have already met them on a popular reality show called Wife Swap. You don't have to watch all 9 minutes to understand why they're terrible people. But you'll get the idea.



Now that you've gotten to know this insane family headed by a pseudo scientist, you'll be familiar with the subject of what was some classy live news coverage. If you've sat through 9 minutes of wife swap, then I commend you, you're a stronger person than I. If you were like the rest of the nation, captivated by the exploits and drama of live news coverage, then you'll already know that the Heene's youngest child was to be believed stuck in the weather balloon and floating aimlessly in the sky.

His name was Falcon and with a name like that he was just destined to live his life in the sky. Who the fuck names their kid falcon? One of his brothers is named Rio. I mean, seriously. You look at some black kid's names and wonder what the fuck but then you get this Colorado hick family and just realize it's not a culture think, it's a stupidity thing to name your children stupid things.



For hours at end we watched, and by we I mean anyone who wanted anything remotely close to news coverage because it was covering up any and all important pieces of news as this debacle was going on. People feared that the Balloon would electricute this stupid kid. Some worried that he wouldn't know how to fly the thing and just crash to his death. I hoped he fell to his death. What better way for a kid named Falcon to go out?

BREAK NEWS:
balloon boy took to the skies trying to escape Obambo's Socialist shit land. Congratulation air boy on giving your life to accomplish a dream

Then the balloon came to the ground. One would imagine that in this sort of situation, that would be all the story wrote. Oh, you folks would be completely wrong as this was only the start of what would be an epically funny situation. In a morbid way of course. You see, when the balloon finally did make a tough landing it was discovered that there was no one in the balloon. Holy shit! People just thought that Falcon did in fact fall to his death. It would make sense and would be a tragic end to this story. Though, the story, as you will see, only gets more tragically funny.

BREAKING NEWS:
This just in, we have not found falcon but we did find some clues, blues clues on dvd that is, wow, what a little baby. We also found this pic of him naked as a baby, i dont know if you can see his weiner because its so small. We cant log in to his xbox but we assume that he has bad scores on it. Now we go live to ridgeland mills elementary school for an interview with school bully Connors

It ended up that the boy was hiding in the attic the whole time. Why wouldn't he come out when his parents, the police and other search and rescue personal came looking for him to confirm that he wasn't just on the ground as the news media swarmed on the flying empty home made weather balloon? Well, that would be the smart move.

But what a breath of fresh air to the attention hungry family. Their boy was safe! So safe! He was hiding only because he was afraid that his dad would beat him for playing in the balloon or letting it go.. Or some shit. I mean, really, did you see that wife swap? I'm surprised he doesn't beat his kids more often.


Oh, who cares if dozens are dead in other places in the world. What happened to Balloon boy?!?

But this "news story" is a prime example of everything that is wrong with the media in America. Why was this news? A stupid hick family played with fire and if the kid had died, it would only show the world that you shouldn't fake being some man of science. I suppose this is the perfect representation of a white American family. Down to the retarded names for kids and terribly unsafe and pointless hobbies. Did I mention that he is a UFO chaser? Yeah. Nuff said.

So it shouldn't come as a surprise when this news story took the turn to comedic funny when in the aftermath of the balloon misadventure during an interview, young Falcon fucks up yet again and let's loose that the whole event was really some staged hoax.



Way to go, Falcon. You just earned yourself a belt whipping to be redeemed later tonight. You're going to wish that you were on that balloon and that you fell to your death now after dropping that and giving us, who already assumed that this was staged, fuel to add to the fire that will burn this family to the ground. Then again, maybe balloon boy is not a hoax. The true hoax is American "culture" and actual "news gathering".

Most of all, did you hear that awkward fart in the background after Falcon drops the ball? It sure as hell sounds as if someone just shit their pants there. Take a look at it again. You'll even see the children's eyes move to the sound of the fart, as if to say "What the hell was that?" Then what followed was sure funny to watch TV. Later in the day the Heene family went back on TV and addressed the concerned and otherwise useless CNN Wolfe Blitzer, who to this day can't find hard hitting journalism if it bit him in the ass. Take a look;



Do you hear that? He's applaud that they would say something like that! How dare they! At least he didn't fart again. Now that would be pretty gross. I mean, what can they do to top off a live fart on television? Oh wai...

BREAKING NEWS:


BAW HA HA HA HA HA. Kid pukes on live television, not only once but twice. This news story is really breaking new records on all the levels of stupidity that it could. Falcon is basically that weird kid in grade school who always pukes in class and everyone just accepts it as normal after a while.

I mean, I was, for a time, called Bubble boy by young children at camp. I suppose it's because I look a lot like Broke Back Mountain's Jake Gyllenhaal. But still, I know this type of kid because I was more than likely one of them. I can tell you I would do some strange shit, but I wouldn't go hide in a fucking weather balloon even if my father was as crazy as Father Heene seems to be.



But even I'm laughing at this little dumb punk and his stupid family. Though, I suppose I shouldn't be laughing at the kid. He only did what his parents told him to. Let this be a lesson to them to try to keep their kid quiet. You can't trust a kid, let alone one of those weird pukey kids with a secret. They'll rat that shit out in a second if they believe that they'll be accepted by others for doing so.

BREAKING NEWS:
We looked everywhere! Under the television, in the sink, on top of the car, next to the basketball, beneath the chessboard -- everywhere

I mean, maybe I'm just laughing so hard at this because if I stopped laughing at this for any moment the realization that our news outlets are completely worthless in every possible way. I mean, look at the following image and tell me what's wrong. Oh wait, I don't even want to bother making you do any work. I just circled everything about Balloon boy and then circled a little section of actual news coverage that is pushed all the way to the bottom.



The news story doesn't end there. You see, even though I'm reporting what the stupid news centers are covering, I at least cover world news on some day highlighted features. But it should be noted that we've devoted our 24 hour news stations time to this family. Who now feels like they have had too much free publicity. You see, Papa Heene came out earlier yesterday to announce something big. He announced that he will leave a box outside and you can leave your questions for him in there and he will answer the ones he deems fit to answer.

What a big baby. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to get more angry because then it will just cause some more anger issues. Who wants to see his kids beat. Most of all, the comedy side of all things is that this video footage was released of him letting go of the balloon.Oh my, it seems like someone is popping your balloon of publicity, Mr. Heene. What will you ever do now?!



Even the 9-11 call is comical. It was pretty much him saying "Hello, News Media? I'm a guy and thing happened. Hurry and bring all your cameras. All of them."

Dispatcher: Ok how long has the 6-year-old been missing?
RH: Um, just a few minutes.
Dispatcher: Was the flying saucer in the backyard?
RH: Yes.
Dispatcher: Ok, so it obviously has electronics which he can know how to work and he gets it up off the air, off the ground?
RH: No, he doesn't know how they operate.
Dispatcher: He does not know how to operate, so and that's gone though too, right? And you're sure that he's in that?
RH: Yeah, we looked everywhere and then my son just said — he's terrified — he said yeah he went inside just before it went off. Because we have it tethered it wasn't supposed to take off.
Dispatcher: So was it running then?
RH: Well it doesn't run, it's filled with helium. And it operates off of a million volts to move left and right — horizontal. And we were testing it to find out what effects we could get.
Dispatcher: OK. And so it was last seen 20 minutes ago?
RH: Um, probably. I'm gonna check the time. Probably, yeah.
Dispatcher: Ok. So there's no electronics on it, there's no tracking device, right?
RH: No, no. I don't know whether it's possible you guys could detect the electricity that it emits, but every five minutes it comes on for one minute, and uh, it emits a million volts on the outer skin. And uh, if he takes a ride in it he could get electrocuted.

And before you get any ideas that the 911 call sounds as if it's not staged, just remember that the 911 call they made after calling the news outlets makes you think otherwise. I'm sure there has been latest news pieces to just add fuel to this fire and bring it alive to comedic greatness, but I'm done writing for this. Unless it turns out aliens did it, I'm not sure how you can top it so far.



To sum it up, here is what happened;

Retarded Colorado pseudosceintist with retarded youtube TV show called psyience detectives who went on wife swap and made his small boys do a rap video about not being pussies lost control of his fake flying saucer and sent his child to hide in the garage and called the news to tell them his son falcon was flying through the air and then all the networks followed the balloon for hours. Literally every human on earth watched it live, at 10000 feet, then it landed, and he wasn't inside. The news coverage was retarded beyond measure.

Then everyone thought a 6 year old boy fell to his death. Then they found him in his attic. Then, live, on CNN, the boy told everyone it was a set up. Then he farted. During the awkward silence then dad sputters for hours lying ineptly then the kid pukes constantly through a Katie Couric interview and dad invited reporters to home for big announcement but just repeated what he had been saying all along and asked reporters to put questions in a box before going back inside.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this whole Balloon shit was comically great to follow. From first hearing about the balloon coming down with no kid and laughing at the thought of a kid fall to his death from a high flying balloon to having him rat out his parents on live TV to seeing him puke on the joke of a morning news. Oh yeah, the sheriff is filing charges against them.

The lesson here is that you shouldn't follow your balloon.

Banner Adding It Up

Banner Adding It Up

For anybody who is a veteran of the internet banner ads are the minuscule distraction and easily ignored when you're surfing the net. I've spent years breezing past the countless banner ads but just recently I've decided to start paying attention for the sake of science. A lot of them are very strange. So in an effort to not have to write much today, I'm showing off some of the stranger ones.



That dino is pretty happy that it's not going to be able to ever purchase a home



I... just don't get it.


I'm sure you'll get a porn star on eHarmony



I got sniped when trying to win the Jesus auctions



You'll put something gay in your mouth



Lose weight... and a couple of skin tones



FREE MONEY! Ask me how?



Now that's just fucked up.



Having a gay time on facebook



Oh yeah.. taking it right



Oh how tragic a banner ad



Someone should really get to the people who link these ads.

So there you have it. Some stupid ads on the internet. I know. what a shock. Carry on

Clogging Up Politics With Joe The Plumber.

Clogging Up Politics With Joe The Plumber.


We all thought we heard the last of it but this scum of the republican party is still grasping on during what I hope to be his 14:59 of his 15 minutes of fame. He was an unlicensed plumber, terrible foreign correspondent and now we welcome Joe the Plumber the Reporter the GOP Adviser!

Fresh off his stint as a war correspondent, Joe the Plumber will talk strategy with Hill Republicans.

Fresh off his stint as a war correspondent in Gaza, Joe the Plumber is now doing political strategy with Republicans.

When GOP congressional aides gather Tuesday morning for a meeting of the Conservative Working Group, Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher – more commonly known as Joe the Plumber — will be their featured guest. This group is an organization of conservative Capitol Hill staffers who meet regularly to chart GOP strategy for the week.

Wurzelbacher, who became a household name during the presidential election, will be focusing his talk on the proposed stimulus package. He's apparently not a fan of the economic rescue package, according to members of the group.

If nothing else, GOP aides are using the appearance to get staffers to attend the 9 a.m meeting.

“In case you weren’t planning to attend CWG tomorrow morning, you might want to reconsider because Joe the Plumber will be joining us!” Kimberly Wallner, an aide to South Carolina Sen. Jim DeMint, wrote in a message to her e-mail list this afternoon.

Last month, Wurzelbacher did a brief stint as a war reporter for the conservative web site pjtv.com.

Shine on to irrelevancy, you crazy Republican diamonds! I'm glad to see they're picking up the pieces and critically re-evaluating the future and direction of their party. They're going to need a plumber where their party's going.

Let's face it, until there is a real party leader, the madness will continue.
Rush Limbaugh is fucking nuts
Steele is a moderate and an idiot
Sarah Palin is Sarah Palin
Bobby Jindal is the GOP's best shot.
So I'll remain a happy boy.

You know the republicans are in trouble when they look to scripts of terrible movies for ideas.

Just like you know your movie is in trouble if it has Kevin Costner and was made after 2000

If I get to see the republican party collapse before my eyes it will be a wonderful thing I adore how they think the low taxes low regulation small government thing will save them. As if that isnt exactly what the people have rejected. Honestly, the religious culture warriors probably have a better shot)

I think it's pretty funny that they have to hire a clown to entice people to go to something called the Conservative Working Group. That stood out to me too. What's going on in this working group that they think Joe the fucking plumber is going to improve it and increase attendance? That's like hiring a clown to host the clown convention. Aren't all the clowns there already?

The best thing about Joe the Plumber is that his name is Sam and he's not a plumber

Joe the DirecTV installer

Yes.. this guy gets around...

I suppose as a class traitor of a level previously unheard of, I nominate joe plumber as first against the wall. The guy makes several hundred thousand dollars a year, I am more of a plumber than he is, and the only piping I fix is your mothers (OOOOOOH SNAP!)

He just won't fucking go away. He acts as if he's the he's the personification of the GOP lie of the "common man" that every other American should aspire to be or they are traitors. You would think that after Nixon, the GOP would learn to distrust and disown plumbers. Imagine the frustration so many people must feel, looking for a decent job in vain, only to see this skinhead motherfucker coasting around just running his mouth and being ignorant for a living

I dunno about you guys but my drinking buddies are all thoughtful, educated people. Why would you even want to have a beer with someone like Bush or Joe? I don't get the appeal. In 30 years time when he realizes how much the GOP has used him, he is going to end up being the most fanatical socialists the world has ever seen, and will probably disown his Republican kids.

Even CNN agrees.. SHUT THE FUCK UP, JOE!

There. Can we just stop with this guy already?

Joe the plumber is pretty much the perfect caricature of whats wrong with a lot of America at this moment. A complete lack of empathy, sheer ignorance at the national level, outdated ideals, unrealistic financial aspirations, and of course willing ignorance of politics for equally retarded reasoning.

Joe/Sam is basically the embodiment of every hypermasculine male in the u.s. that thinks that anyone who uses something more than base common sense to solve even the most complex socio-political issues is pretentious. meaning he thinks every problem in the world can be solved if everyone just "grew a pair".

All I know is that you have to kill ones like this before they lay their eggs.

Oh Ashley B, You So Crazy!

The True Story Revealed: Ashley Todd

Most of you have probably heard of the case of Ashley Todd, the former Ron Paul supporter turned College Republican/McCain campaign worker who shocked the dumb portion of the world with her story of being attacked by a large black man outside of an ATM who carved the letter B in her cheek. Here's a news article if you missed all this:

Todd handed the man $60 she had in her pocket and stepped away from him, investigators said. The man then noticed the bumper sticker on the woman's car, which was parked in front of the ATM. The man became very angry, made comments to Todd about John McCain and punched her in the back of the head, knocking her to the ground, police said.

"He continued to kick and punch her repeatedly and said he would teach her a lesson for supporting John McCain," said police Chief Nate Harper.

The man then carved the "B" into Todd's right cheek.

Todd's friend offered to drive her back in the direction she came from to look at ATMs until she found the right one, police said. A police officer followed until Todd pointed out a Citizens Bank ATM at Liberty and Pearl, police said.

She declined medical treatment at the scene and said she would go to a hospital today.

There were some problems with her story, of course. The first is that, like me, she twitters her every waking moment, she obsessively documented on Twitter every step of her night. Except maybe she was setting things up a little too conveniently for what she would have no way of knowing was going to happen next. Oh, and maybe she got a few bits of info wrong too, referring to the Citizens Bank as a Bank of America, and saying things like "this is definitely a bad part of town, I'm gonna get mugged by an angry political black man I bet" about a not bad part of town.

Oh, also maybe the B was backwards and didn't break the skin. Like how it'd be if you drew one really hard with your fingernail in the mirror.

Then, despite her airtight story, Ashley failed to shock the world by announcing that she had made it all up.

Ashley Todd, 20, of College Station, Texas, has been charged with filing a false police report, a misdemeanor, a police report said.

"This has wasted so much time...It's just a lot of wasted man hours," Assistant Police Chief Maurita Bryant said at a briefing.

But there's a twist:

"She is stating that she was in her vehicle driving around, and she came up with this idea," [Bryant] said. "She said she has prior mental problems and doesn't know how the backward letter 'B' got on her face."

Wait. Hold it there.

She admits to making it up, but she doesn't know how she ended up with a fake black eye and a backwards B very very lightly carved on her face? I guess that makes perfect sense. Sometimes minor stuff just slips our minds.

Which is why I've decided to help jog her memory by coming up with a few possibilities as to how it all actually went down:

Scenario 1

Ashley Todd was at a Citizens Fargo Bank of America ATM, getting her money and minding her own business in a bad part of a good part of town when a large black man came up to her.

"Hi," he said. "I see you work for the McCain campaign."

"Yeah..." she said.

"Cool! I work for the McCain campaign as well," he said. "You want a temporary McCain tattoo?"

"Sure."

"Ok, I'm just going to put a J on your face for 'John'. So there's the first swoop and I'll finish it up and...oops."

"Ow!"

"Yeah, my hand slipped. Looks like I kinda added a second swoop on that J. My bad."

"No worries," said Ashley, "I'll just say that you kicked and punched me repeatedly and said you would teach me a lesson for supporting John McCain."

"Ha, good one. Alright, have a nice night now."

Scenario 2

Ashley Todd was about to head out the door to go for a late night food run when it suddenly struck her that she might forget what she was setting out to buy.

"My memory's usually so good," she said to her kitchen table, "but maybe I should make a list."

She searched and searched, but couldn't find a scrap of paper anywhere.

"Now what am I going to do?" she said to the microwave.

Then an idea struck her. It was a great idea. The perfect idea.

"The only thing I really need right now is bread. I'll just scratch a B on my face with the edge of my credit card."

And she did. She admired the fading pink B lightly etched in her cheek.

"Yeah," she said. "There's just no way I'll forget what this is for. Just no way."

Then she kissed the giant poster of McCain that covered like half her bedroom wall, and she left. Except as she was going she also said: "It would basically be impossible for me to carve a B in my face and then forget doing it. That's the best part of this idea.

"No way in hell I would forget this. Nope. Not gonna happen."

Scenario 3

"But I'm telling the truth," said Ashley. "I don't know what else you want to hear."

"It doesn't matter what we want to hear," said Police Chief Nate Harper. He leaned back, and unbuttoned his shirt halfway. Sweat glistened from the landscape of curly hair and bronzed skin that was his chest. "Honey, we're only keeping you here until we can reasonably say you cracked and admitted it was all fake."

Ashley felt herself flush with frustration, especially her cheek, which definitely had a real wound shaped like a backwards B.

"I don't believe it. I thought you people were here to help," she cried.

Assistant Police Chief Maurita Bryant threw down her styrofoam coffee cup in disgust and strode across the room.

"Don't waste our time, little girl!" Bryant sneered. "This has wasted so much time. ... It's just a lot of wasted man hours."

"I guess she still doesn't get it," said Harper. He took one thick meaty hand and dug into the flesh at the base of his broad neck. The skin began to warp and stretch like warm play-doh. His entire face peeled back revealing Barack Obama.

Bryant grabbed her pony tail and yanked up like she was taking off a hat. Her mask popped off instantly. It was also Barack Obama.

"Soon, little girl, your pitiful human race will belong to us," said the two in unison. They began to laugh. Cold, cruel, inhuman laughter.

Ashley looked back and forth at the two Obamas, their faces wet and slimy, like newborns. The backwards B was hard red against the soft white of her cheek. Then she grabbed her ears and pulled sideways.

"Oh, my bad. I didn't realize," the third Obama said, shaking off the last of the Ashley mask. "It can be hard to keep track of all of us. Whew, we almost tried to conspiracy each other!"

"Whoops ha ha!" said the second Obama.

"Classic," said the first Obama. "Ok, let's get these disguises back on and go bullshit the press."