Exit Strategy

Exit Strategy

There has been a lot of talk about an exit strategy lately and given the nature of the holiday season, that comes with good reason... Wait, did you think I was talking about Iraq? Ha. Nah, I'm talking about the giant elephant in the room that's currently kicking the chair from under him, hanging himself.

With all that time spent with family and the stress cause by going out and being a consumer and shopping for that "perfect" gift, it's no wonder why people off themselves around this time of year. That's even if you have family to give things to. Those folks who have no one in their lives.. Holy hell, that's gotta be even tougher. What with the days getting shorter and the nights inversely doing the opposite of that, can you really say you're surprised by the level of depression out there?



Don't even get me started on the folks in uniform. Considering Armed Forces suicide rates outnumber the amount killed in Iraq this year so far, I think it's safe to say that there needs to be some help out there. That's why I'm going on about this and just going to do the most morally wrong thing possible... teach you how to commit your final act in style. TLC, get ready a show for me!

Yes, that's right, Suicide. The voluntary act of taking one's own life. A cowardly retreat from the pressures and toils of daily life, or the bold head-first entrance to a new and unexplored frontier.. whatever way you want to look at it, if you killed yourself today, there will oddly enough be people who benefit from it.



From the cost you saved government in money to keep you healthy and sane, to the lack of needing food produced for you. You would stop taking up valuable living space and you would stop producing waste.. but again, we do need to dispose of your body. No more carbon dioxide in the atmosphere from your mouth and most of all, no more you. Yes sir, by you committing the single simple set of actions that led to your demise, you can stop contributing to the huge numbers of problems you are complacent in. Let's take a look of the revolutionaries who previously ended their life;

-Leandro Alem, founder of the Argentine Radical Civic Union
-Guy Debord, French marxist intellectual
-Thích Quảng Đức, Vietnamese Buddhist monk
-Andre Gorz, existential Marxist and political ecologist
-Abbie Hoffman, political activist
-Adolf Hitler
-Bruce Edwards Ivins, perpetrator of the anthrax attacks on US politicians
-Paul Lafargue, son-in-law of Karl Marx and fellow Marxist

The list goes on! Read all about it on Wikipedia, the Free Encyclopedia that decided to list famous revolutionaries that offed themselves!

So, then, you've made the informed, careful decision to off yourself. You've realized that any pain your death will cause your friends and family by suicide will not even come close to the amount of suffering you've inflicted on the oppressed peoples of the third world just by existing. How are you going to do it? There are several exciting options! Let's look at a few of the more popular ones.

Hanging/asphyxiation
Requires Some form of rope, Something to tie the rope to

This tried and true method is sure to make a statement about you-you're a classicist, someone who appreciates the originals. It's the second most common method in the US after the ol' Hemingway. Deceptively simple. I'm sure you've seen it done before. Make sure the knot is tight. Here's a diagram explaining how to tie a proper noose, for those among us with a flair for the dramatic.




in this example, substitute the ring at the end for your neck.

Couldn't be simpler! There are two ways to play here. If you have access to a tree or other overhanging object sufficiently tall that your feet won't touch the ground when suspended from it, you can pretty much figure out what to do from here. However, if you're stuck somewhere, a jail cell, say, you'll have to get creative. If there's a doorknob available, or just about anything you can tie a rope on, you're in the clear. Belts work great for those without ropes.

Cons:
Did you know that hanging requires a very precise measurement of weight and height of drop to be an effective, quick method of death? There is a very tiny window of appropriate force to apply, which has to be carefully thought out, taking into account your weight and the height of your drop, to ensure that your neck is broken and you die nearly instantaneously. Too short a drop? Your windpipe is slowly crushed and your dear sweet mother gets to find you in the closet, eyes bulging out of their sockets, wide with fear, with your fingernails digging bloody little trenches into your neck as you fruitlessly tried to abort your painful, terrifying miscalculation. Too far? Somebody gets to find your decapitated remains splayed about. Hope you didn't love them, because they'll be scarred for life at seeing your hideous, gruesome end

Gunshot
Requires: One firearm, One bullet



It's that easy! Wow!

Cons:
Guns are a little more forgiving than hanging, but not by much. Putting the wrong part of your brain through the back of your skull can leave you simply paralyzed, or worse, ensuring that your attempted escape from this plane of existence that has brought you nothing but a lifetime of further suffering on it, multiplied 10 times over by your new disability. Also, bearing in mind that you're suicidal, you probably have suffered with severe depression for some time, and don't wish to be a burden on your family and friends. After all, it's likely that one of the reasons you're leaving the world is because you feel you're too much of a burden on those around you already or you don't have that circle of friends who WOULD take care of you. Gun suicide is one of the most traumatic forms of death on the victim's surviving family and friends. Your pain may be over, but the pain of the people who live on after you will be made much, much worse by your escape vector if you use a gun.

Shotgun methodology

The question of aim with a shotgun constantly arises. There are many recorded instances of suicides failing where the shotgun is placed under the chin; conversely, the author has heard of no instances where a shotgun barrel placed fully in the mouth and slightly elevated, with the stock properly braced, has resulted in the continued life of the would-be deceased. The infamous "Judas Priest" suicides, where Raymond Belknap died but James Vance survived, involved firing the shotgun under the chin - *not* in the mouth. Mr. Belknap was evidence that under the chin -can- kill you; Mr. Vance was evidence that under the chin can -fail-. (Eventually, Mr. Vance collected enough painkillers to successfully suicide about three years after blowing his face off.)

For shotguns the best way is the hemingway: sit in a chair, place butt of gun on ground, hold barrel firmly in mouth flush against soft upper mouth tissue, pull trigger with toe. an awkward position to be sure, but it gets results.

Putting a gun to your temple isn't as sure fire as it sounds. You could just lobotomize yourself and end up a vegetable. Much better to stick it in your mouth and aim roughly towards the base of the skull to hit the thing that attaches to your spine for instant death.



That's from the Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer Texas chainsaw massacre. If you aren't feeling suicidal yet, just give that a watch and you'll be right there... It's really sad that it took two entire dudes to make that gay ass movie. This scene is literally the only memorable thing aside from a guy being stuck on a meat hook or something. Fun Fact -Sometimes firearm contact wounds cause star shaped burns around the bigass hole they plug in your skull.

(note: If you HAVE to use a gun, make sure you steadily breathe out as you smoothly pull the trigger in, this will steady your hand and make your attempt much more effective. The number one reason for failed suicides by gun is your hand jerking as you pull the trigger. Relax, and slowly squeeze, not worrying where in the travel the hammer will drop. Just calmly breathe out and pull.)




Poisoning
Requires: Sufficient quantities of any poisonous substance

Hitler did it. The most popular poison is potassium cyanide. How the heck do you get that, you may ask? The answer is science supply.
http://www.sciencelab.com/page/S/PVAR/SLP3853
However, if you can't get your hands on any of this, there are a lot of creative ways to poison yourself. You could down a bottle of aspirin and a bottle of Jack, you could leave your car on in the garage, you could even eat too much nutmeg. Which would just be the cherry on top to this whole holiday season. One of the great things about poisoning is that if done correctly it can be quick and painless, which is great because who the fuck makes sacrifices when they're trying to do something they believe in?

Hydrogen sulfide inhalation
This is a specific form of poisoning with many Pros:
-The needed materials are cheap and easy to obtain.
-The chances of accidental survival are low.
-The method is quick and painless.
-Your corpse will still be suitable for open-casket funeral, if next of kin desire, and you won't leave a big mess for emergency responders to deal with.

Cons:
-The poisonous gas you generate can harm others. Probably best to do this in a car, tool shed, portable john, or other enclosed space that isn't immediately adjacent to other people, and to leave a warning sign about poison gas where people can see before opening the doors.



To pull it off you will need a metal sulfide and an acid to react it with, freeing hydrogen sulfide (H2S) gas. Some readily available sulfide sources are liver of sulfur (crude potassium sulfide mixture used for metal treatment effects), pure sodium sulfide as used in some photographic toning processes, or lime sulfur (calcium sulfide/polysulfide mixture), which is used for veterinary and also agricultural purposes.

For the acid almost anything will work: muriatic (hydrochloric) acid sold for swimming pool pH control, sodium bisulfate sold for the same purpose, various rust and limescale removing products, even lemon juice.

The method is now popular in Japan. In Japan the sulfide component has usually been a calcium polysulfide mixture that is added to bath water to replicate the experience of soaking in natural sulfide-bearing hot springs. Outside of Japan the products I have named above are probably easier to obtain sources of metallic sulfides.

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Drowning
Requires: A sufficient amount of water

You can drown yourself in a bucket if you're dedicated. Driving a car into a body of water with the windows rolled up is a very effective method as it allows no opportunity for escape. Quitters never win! If you're really worried about your buoyancy, just find a rock, cinder block or other heavy object and properly affix yourself to it, then toss it off a pier with sufficiently deep water. Hey presto, suffer no more! There are lots of exciting ways and places to drown. Try breaking in to a public pool at night and doing it, just for shits and giggles.

The "totally fucking awesome" Suicide method:

1. tie cheese wire around your neck and then then tie it to something sturdy on top of a tall building. Make sure to leave some slack.
2. Superglue your hands to your head
3. Jump.

If done correctly, you'll fall a distance of metres before the cheese wire becomes taut, neatly slicing your head off. You will then hit the pavement hard. However, since you superglued your hands to your head, to those who didn't see it, it will look like you pulled your own motherfucking head off.

High falls
Requires: A ledge

This one's pretty straightforward, too.



If you're really dedicated, you can kill yourself jumping off a fridge or a vending machine. Just make sure you land head first. You think your life is bad now, try living it after a failed suicide attempt. Either do it or don't. Self pity and non-commitment is so pathetic.

I guess the only thing that I can't tell you is where to get any information about setting your affairs in order before you depart. So if you want to leave your meager savings to a few charities and a local neighborhood center, by all means, knock yourself out. I know people often joke about it, but I'm pretty sure this is literally the stuff that gets me on the FBI watchlists. That's alright though, I assumed if the FBI ever read my blog I would be already off to Guantanamo.

This makes you wonder if animals ever commit suicide... This video should answer your question;



Then again, that's not suicide, he's just going on a fucking adventure! Those commentators are just a bunch of haters. But um.. yeah, that aint no Disney romp across three states to find the family who moved and forgot them in a kennel, That penguin is a fuckin' goner. That pengiun is self actualized and making it's own destiny... and it has chosen death.

Maybe I'm wrong. That penguin is going to become like the captain of the royal guard or an astronaut or something and he's going to return to his penguin home with a dozen posting medals and show them all.

The most harmful thing someone in the 1st world can do for the environment is have a child. Therefore, the best thing a person can do for the environment is kill as many babies as they can and then kill themselves. If you care at all about the environment follow my advice ASAP.

So there. We've coverd a lot of he basics, but the ways to bring about your end are endless! With a little creativity, you can make a mark with your death other than a blood stain or a crack in the concrete. Here's a fun one- Join the military, go through the entire recruitment and training process, but then the second they give you a live firearm, boom. Congrats, you've effectively trolled an entire organization and pissed away tax payer's cash.

I'll be happy to answer any questions about offing yourself you might have beyond what I've already covered. Though, if I could touch on one more option.. I bring to you the best possible way to end your miserable life...

Enter our Wonderful Friend: Helium!

That's right! The stuff that makes you sound like a munchkin! Helium is one of the least-mentioned methods of suicide, yet it is one of the best, since it is completely painless, 100% effective, works quickly (you can be out in 10 seconds, dead in 3 minutes), and best of all, very reversible... considering we are talking about suicide.

So how the hell does helium work? Did you know your body has no way of knowing how much oxygen it has in it? It's true! The burning sensation you feel when you hold your breath in isn't actually your lungs crying out for more oxygen, it's your body protesting the buildup of Carbon Dioxide! That's right, your body cannot sense if it has enough oxygen to continue living, your breathing is only regulated by carbon dioxide levels in your blood, which it can sense. Helium, when inhaled, displaces oxygen in your lungs, causing asphyxiation. It is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and quite fatal in the right dose!



Why Helium?

Well, really, any noble gas will do. Argon, xenon, neon, each of these will be just as effective as helium in ending your life. Helium is just the easiest to obtain. In fact, one of the reasons helium is the method of choice for your last goodbye is that it's much, much cheaper and easier to obtain than a gun or various other guaranteed-fatal implements. Just ask any party store! . Got a birthday party coming up? Just pay the deposit and rental fee and away you go with enough helium to kill you 20 times over! Once you've got that, all you need is some plastic tubing, duct tape and a dust mask (or any standard anesthetic mask). Then, sit down somewhere where you can be alone for ~10 minutes at the absolute max, twist the valve and enjoy oblivion. As you inhale, the helium will replace the oxygen in your lungs, starving your brain. You will not feel any pain, and your C02 levels will be unaffected. Depending on how high you turn the valve up, (do this in VERY SMALL INCREMENTS! The tank might not have a regulator, and you could seriously damage your face if you release all 8000 PSI at once.) you should be unconscious within 10 seconds, and completely dead within 3 minutes. You will feel no pain or adverse effects throughout the entire process, and you will be very, very deceased at the end of it. Find someplace pretty to do it, someplace with a nice sunset. Remember, it'll be your last.

When you are discovered, you will be indistinguishable from somebody in a deep sleep, save the mask on your face. Depending on how long it is before you are discovered, you should still have something of a healthy appearance (My advice, end yourself someplace semi-public. You'll be discovered before you begin to show signs of departure, but you'll be long dead). Best of all though, you will save your rescuers/your family the trauma of scraping bits of you off of a wall, and you can give those you loved the tiniest shred of consolation in your death, in their knowledge that you died peacefully and painlessly. Make sure you pin some signage to yourself or your surroundings informing your rescuers that they could be in danger though!!!! This is very important!!! After you are dead, the tank will continue to empty out its significant contents, and they may succumb to the gas (remember: tasteless, odorless etc.) if they are not properly warned!

But What if I Don't Really Want to Die?

Glad you asked! This is another strength of helium, since its point of no return/point of serious brain damage comes very late in the attempt, and it is completely, 100% reversible up to then! Feeling depressed, suicidal even, but unsure if a final exit is really what you need? Desperate to cry out to those you love the severity of your situation, but unsure how? Call the cops on yourself and hide in an upstairs room, then as soon as you hear them kick the door in downstairs turn the valve open. You'll be unconscious and very convincing by the time they make it upstairs, but when they remove the mask you'll be unharmed, and your loved ones will be made aware of your plight without having to use the words you never could find.

Conclusion

Use helium. It is better in literally every way than almost anything else, for almost every purpose.

Not only that but you'll also have a funny voice.

All Goldman Sachs Wants For Christmas Is Some Guns

All Goldman Sachs Wants For Christmas Is Some Guns

This is a weird news piece. Not because it's about some god awful company that actually deserves to get lynched in the street by an angry mob, it's because this is the time of year where you're suppose to have good tiding to all and what not. Share with your fellow man. So perhaps when Santa checks his list and some how he doesn't let the Krampus kick the ever living shit out of them, those fine boys and girls at Goldman Sachs will get what they want from their christmas list.. That is, all Goldman Sachs wants is some guns for when the Mob justice comes along.

Arming Goldman With Pistols Against Public: Alice Schroeder

Commentary by Alice Schroeder

Dec. 1 (Bloomberg) -- “I just wrote my first reference for a gun permit,” said a friend, who told me of swearing to the good character of a Goldman Sachs Group Inc. banker who applied to the local police for a permit to buy a pistol. The banker had told this friend of mine that senior Goldman people have loaded up on firearms and are now equipped to defend themselves if there is a populist uprising against the bank.

I called Goldman Sachs spokesman Lucas van Praag to ask whether it’s true that Goldman partners feel they need handguns to protect themselves from the angry proletariat. He didn’t call me back. The New York Police Department has told me that “as a preliminary matter” it believes some of the bankers I inquired about do have pistol permits. The NYPD also said it will be a while before it can name names.

While we wait, Goldman has wrapped itself in the flag of Warren Buffett, with whom it will jointly donate $500 million, part of an effort to burnish its image -- and gain new Goldman clients. Goldman Sachs Chief Executive Officer Lloyd Blankfein also reversed himself after having previously called Goldman’s greed “God’s work” and apologized earlier this month for having participated in things that were “clearly wrong.”

Has it really come to this? Imagine what emotions must be billowing through the halls of Goldman Sachs to provoke the firm into an apology. Talk that Goldman bankers might have armed themselves in self-defense would sound ludicrous, were it not so apt a metaphor for the way that the most successful people on Wall Street have become a target for public rage.

Pistol Ready

Common sense tells you a handgun is probably not even all that useful. Suppose an intruder sneaks past the doorman or jumps the security fence at night. By the time you pull the pistol out of your wife’s jewelry safe, find the ammunition, and load your weapon, Fifi the Pomeranian has already been taken hostage and the gun won’t do you any good. As for carrying a loaded pistol when you venture outside, dream on. Concealed gun permits are almost impossible for ordinary citizens to obtain in New York or nearby states.

In other words, a little humility and contrition are probably the better route.

Until a couple of weeks ago, that was obvious to everyone but Goldman, a firm famous for both prescience and arrogance. In a display of both, Blankfein began to raise his personal- security threat level early in the financial crisis. He keeps a summer home near the Hamptons, where unrestricted public access would put him at risk if the angry mobs rose up and marched to the East End of Long Island.

To the Barricades

He tried to buy a house elsewhere without attracting attention as the financial crisis unfolded in 2007, a move that was foiled by the New York Post. Then, Blankfein got permission from the local authorities to install a security gate at his house two months before Bear Stearns Cos. collapsed.

This is the kind of foresight that Goldman Sachs is justly famous for. Blankfein somehow anticipated the persecution complex his fellow bankers would soon suffer. Surely, though, this man who can afford to surround himself with a private army of security guards isn’t sleeping with the key to a gun safe under his pillow. The thought is just too bizarre to be true.

So maybe other senior people at Goldman Sachs have gone out and bought guns, and they know something. But what?

Henry Paulson, U.S. Treasury secretary during the bailout and a former Goldman Sachs CEO, let it slip during testimony to Congress last summer when he explained why it was so critical to bail out Goldman Sachs, and -- oh yes -- the other banks. People “were unhappy with the big discrepancies in wealth, but they at least believed in the system and in some form of market-driven capitalism. But if we had a complete meltdown, it could lead to people questioning the basis of the system.”

Torn Curtain

There you have it. The bailout was meant to keep the curtain drawn on the way the rich make money, not from the free market, but from the lack of one. Goldman Sachs blew its cover when the firm’s revenue from trading reached a record $27 billion in the first nine months of this year, and a public that was writhing in financial agony caught on that the profits earned on taxpayer capital were going to pay employee bonuses.

This slip-up let the other bailed-out banks happily hand off public blame to Goldman, which is unpopular among its peers because it always seems to win at everyone’s expense.

Plenty of Wall Streeters worry about the big discrepancies in wealth, and think the rise of a financial industry-led plutocracy is unjust. That doesn’t mean any of them plan to move into a double-wide mobile home as a show of solidarity with the little people, though.

Cool Hand Lloyd

No, talk of Goldman and guns plays right into the way Wall- Streeters like to think of themselves. Even those who were bailed out believe they are tough, macho Clint Eastwoods of the financial frontier, protecting the fistful of dollars in one hand with the Glock in the other. The last thing they want is to be so reasonably paid that the peasants have no interest in lynching them.

And if the proles really do appear brandishing pitchforks at the doors of Park Avenue and the gates of Round Hill Road, you can be sure that the Goldman guys and their families will be holed up in their safe rooms with their firearms. If nothing else, that pistol permit might go part way toward explaining why they won’t be standing outside with the rest of the crowd, broke and humiliated, saying, “Damn, I was on the wrong side of a trade with Goldman again.”

(Alice Schroeder, author of “The Snowball: Warren Buffett and the Business of Life” and a former managing director at Morgan Stanley, is a Bloomberg News columnist. The opinions expressed are her own.)

So far the scariest thing they've had to experience was michael moore yelling outside with a megaphone. It really is a shame that those fears aren't grounded to some reality. If Americans actually cared about their thievery, they'd be dead by now. Their heads would be on pikes all along wall street as a warning to the rest.



As Thom Yorke would say it best, When I am king, they would be the first against the wallwere king. I can't say I've read all Ayn Rand, so someone who is better read with that piece of shit could tell me if the Captains of industry arm themselves in her stories, that would be really helpful. Thanks in advance.

I'm not advocating violence. Nor do I want to be on a terrorist watch list (I'm already on one, by the way) But how hard would it be to set off a truck bomb at the underground parking garage of the Godlman Sachs headquarters? Cause I don't think guns will protect you from that.



No no. I don't think anyone is actually going to ever going to do a god damn thing to them. The best hope we have is that one of these guys is overcome with guilt for what they have done and uses the gun on themselves.

I mean, who would have guessed that they would have been playing with other people's money like it was Monopoly money. If only there were this risk averse with other people's money as they were in getting these firearms to protect themselves. These must be the minor execs because anyone pulling a salary plus the bonuses over 500k usually has private security force with them at all time.



But the problem comes back to Americans. Yes us, the fine Americans that along with most of humanity, is easily wowed by wealth and status symbols, which the corporations have in spades. Just take a rich guy in a great suit driving a porsche go into a rural town and I tink more people will be completely envious than angry. Even if that same mane goes into the system and;

*manipulates agriculture futures and makes a pile of money*
*drives agriculture prices into a free fall*
*uses pile of money to buy great suit and porsche*
*drives around rural area*
*destitute farmers look with envy at the hard working smart man with the suit and porsche*
*farmer thinks one day his son will make it like that guy has*
*son ends up in art school, now teaches English in Indonesia*
*daughter gets phd and works at CDC barely paying off loans*
*farmer dies from sclerosis*

That is your America. Yes, that it is.

But really, why is Goldman Sachs even bothering with guns? It's not like they're hoarding golden dubloons. All these banks have are computer banks running high frequency trades and delaying transactions to charge fees on poor people. But hey, I would implore the people of this nation to move your freedom tray and get off your ass and be outraged. At this point we just don't care and are asking what mischief will those rascals get into next week??!?

A Black Friday Sale That's A Blast

A Black Friday Sale That's A Blast

We all know what Black Friday is about. No, it's not a racist term. It's when stores start seeing their sales records go from red (bad/in debt) and finally go in the black with a major boost in Holiday sales. Well, the fine folks of South Carolina decided to make Guns a major gift this holiday season....

The great state of South Carolina is putting its own sick twist on Black Friday with a tax holiday on firearm purchases.

Not cars.

Not clothes.

Certainly not books.

Just guns.

For the 48 hours following Thanksgiving, gun buyers will enjoy a break of up to 9% in state and local taxes.

Firearms traffickers are not expected to pass the savings on to New York criminals, but what is called "the extrava-gun-za" and "Second Amendment Weekend" is sure to help South Carolina stay among the top five states that provide 85% of the illegal handguns recovered in New York City.

One of the other top states is Florida, believed to be the source of at least 40 guns city undercover cops bought in the last three months, NYPD Commissioner Raymond Kelly and Brooklyn District Attorney Joe Hynes said.

The tax holiday for firearms in South Carolina was first tacked onto a 2008 bill that provided similar breaks for energy efficient appliances.

Gov. Mark Sanford vetoed the legislation, though not because he disapproves of guns. He recently repealed the state's one-gun-a-month restriction.

Sanford disapproves of tax holidays, though he subsequently slipped away on a holiday of another kind, this with his mistress in Argentina.

The legislature overrode the tax holiday veto thanks to the efforts of Rep. Mike Pitts, the gun amendment's sponsor. The South Carolina Supreme Court then ruled the bill violated the "one subject rule" of the state's constitution, which bars multiple matters in a single bill.

The legislature solved the problem by dropping the energy efficiency part and keeping the firearms in time for this year's Black Friday. That was no doubt welcome news to the state's gun shops, which outnumber McDonald's in the Palmetto State by four to one.

Even without a tax holiday, South Carolina gun shops sold a half-million handguns in a 10-year period. The state's population is only 4.5 million.

The number of gun sales is expected to grow ever higher thanks to Pitts, who also sponsored a bill that reduced the age for possessing a handgun in South Carolina from 21 to 18.

"If my daughter were driving, as a 19- or 20-year-old, to Charleston," Pitts said the other day, "I could put my handgun in the glove compartment of my car and she could drive to Charleston without being a felon."

Pitts also is pushing the "South Carolina Firearms Freedom Act," which proposes to exempt guns manufactured in South Carolina from all federal restrictions.

Pitts is untroubled by statistics showing South Carolina is a leading supplier of illegal guns to New York and other cities. He applies what apparently passes for logic down there.
"It's not our lax gun laws. It's our high crime-rate that causes the problems," he said the other day.

Pitts sought to illustrate his position by noting that a burglar had recently broken into his home and stolen "about a dozen guns."

"What's happening is people break into my home, steal my guns and get a premium price by taking it to other states and selling them," Pitts said.

Meanwhile, in Pitts' big extrava-gun-za, firearms traffickers will be able to enjoy a Black Friday tax holiday at gun shops across South Carolina, from Dead Bang Guns & Automatics to Freedom Guns and Pawn, The Gun Doctor and Pappy's Guns.

Monday, I gave a call to Woody's Pawn & Jewelry in Orangeburg, one of 15 gun shops Mayor Bloomberg cited in 2006 for making an illegal sale to an undercover. At the time, Woody's sold 98 guns that were connected to crimes in New York City.

I got as far as saying I was from the New York Daily News.

"I don't care to comment to anything in New York," owner Chan Holman said.

This is what Mayor Bloomberg had to say about the tax-free gun sale: "Law-abiding citizens have every right to buy a gun, but South Carolina is a top exporter of guns used in crimes. First we'd like to see South Carolina repair and enforce its lax gun laws."

Holman obviously disagrees. He told another reporter he expects a big jump in business come Black Friday.

"I'm even thinking about tearing down a building next to the store and using it for parking," Holman said. "We'll be open an hour early and staying open later depending on the crush of business. ... We have a lot of inventory to get rid of."

So... we have a black Friday sale on guns. Literally, this is modern America summed up in a single idea. The worse part of all this is they acknowledge that their guns are being connected to crimes in major cities. at a disproportionately high rate. Way to go and help the rest of the nation, South Carolina. Being the source of 85% of illegal firearms in a major US city sounds like a pretty big deal.

I suppose we should all gas up the car and get your credit cards out, cause we're gonna need some assault weapons to prevent Obama's ground troops from forcing their MARXIST HEALTH CARE on us Teabaggers!



I know what you're thinking.. What is South Carolina like? Well, there's really only two options. Savannah and Charleston. The rest is a complete lost cause.

Savannah still has homes that were built in the late 1600's still standing. Which means that Savannah is full of tourist. In the old manors south of Broad you can still see the iron spikes rising from court yard walls that were placed to keep the slaves in, and the little stone steps people used when getting out of horsedrawn carriages. It's a lot of antique shops and moss and shit. It's tiny compared to Charleston and is somehow surrounded by more ghetto. I suppose you should come here if you liked the novel Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.



Charleston, on the other hand is completely awesome if you're a drunk.. or you like culture. A trip there does provide you with some pretty good culturally enriching moments when, if you're like me, you end up wandering drunkenly through Charleston at 4 am and just have to piss, only to realize that you are letting loose all over a prerevolution brick wall. Really, the only redeeming thing about Charleston is that it's designed around drunken wandering/pissing on things you'll never afford. Yeah, whenever I travel I make sure to get drunk and wander (a hobby) and Charleston is one of the more interesting cities to be drunk in.

But enough about my clearly inappropriate behavior. Let's look at this situation again. Because while I placed in bold a lot of it, there's an even bigger part that I missed out in first reading it that I glanced back at and just wondered what the hell was wrong with society. You see, the legislature solved the problem by dropping the energy efficieny part and keeping the firearms in time to make it pass for Black Friday.



If you're not getting what I'm saying let me quote it again because it's amazing.

The tax holiday for firearms in South Carolina was first tacked onto a 2008 bill that provided similar breaks for energy efficient appliances.

The South Carolina Supreme Court then ruled the bill violated the "one subject rule" of the state's constitution, which bars multiple matters in a single bill.

The legislature solved the problem by dropping the energy efficiency part and keeping the firearms in time for this year's Black Friday.

Who cares about the climate, we need guns! I like to think I'm usually joking about the south being so god damn backwards, but good fuck, that is some onion level shit right there. No way would I believe that we're in America and this shit flies.

So this Black Friday, try not to shoot someone while waiting in line at the Wal*mart...

consumerism (n.): other people buying stuff they don't need and/or I don't want

Need A Gun? I Know A Guy, Who knows A Guy...

Need A Gun? I Know A Guy, Who knows A Guy...

Nah, I'm just messing with you. I don't know anyone who can get you a gun. You're on your own. But I can give you a hint.. If you want to get something to shoot at things (read: people) then you're going to have to go to the number one seller of weapons 'o' mass pew-pewing: America.

U.S. Increases Its Share of Worldwide Arms Market
By THOM SHANKER

WASHINGTON — Despite a recession that knocked down global arms sales last year, the United States expanded its role as the world’s leading weapons supplier, increasing its share to more than two-thirds of all foreign armaments deals, according to a new Congressional study.

The United States signed weapons agreements valued at $37.8 billion in 2008, or 68.4 percent of all business in the global arms bazaar, up significantly from American sales of $25.4 billion the year before.

Italy was a distant second, with $3.7 billion in worldwide weapons sales in 2008, while Russia was third with $3.5 billion in arms sales last year — down considerably from the $10.8 billion in weapons deals signed by Moscow in 2007.

The growth in weapons sales by the United States last year was particularly noticeable against worldwide trends. The value of global arms sales in 2008 was $55.2 billion, a drop of 7.6 percent from 2007 and the lowest total for international weapons agreements since 2005.
...
The top buyers in the developing world in 2008 were the United Arab Emirates, which signed $9.7 billion in arms deals; Saudi Arabia, which signed $8.7 billion in weapons agreements; and Morocco, with $5.4 billion in arms purchases.

The study uses figures in 2008 dollars, with amounts for previous years adjusted for inflation to give a constant financial measurement.

You hear that? We're number one! Hell fucking yeah.. Hooo-raaah! If you're going to do something, you may as well do it right. How could anyone think this is a good thing? Well, clearly you don't own some lockheed stock. If you did, you'd be dancing in the streets, just like those countries do, shooting their AK's (which more than likely were bought through us).



It does bring up a good question. What's the list of countries who spent a few million on weapons. Someone has to be buying them to make us such a power seller. We can't be selling them to ourselves, now can we? There's also a bit of irony to watching our troops get blown away by our own weapons. If we all had guns, war would never happen, right?

I also wonder if this is all mainly guns/explosives and not a bunch of expensive computer systems, sensors and support packages. You know, all those heavy equipment that tell the guided missiles were to go. Because then we're just padding the numbers. If when we invade the countries we sell the weapons to, isn't it basically the same thing as an older brother saying "Quit hitting yourself! Quit hitting yourself!" while he pummels the shit out of his smaller brother?



I'm a bit surprised that Italy is #2. What do they make besides decent small arms anyway? Spaghetti, Sports cars maybe. But who the hell is buying these small arms like Benelli and Beretta? Pea shooters compared to what we have on the sales floor. Boo-yah! How are you going to kill the mass amount of people with those silly little guns? Come on, Italy, step it up some if you want to be a true death dealer like the good 'ol U.S. of A!

But to be fair, I'm not sure how much death dealing America is really doing compared to the other guys. Yes, we're selling a lot of weapons to our frienemies so they could kill our enemies, but the measure of death we're propagating can't be measured by the dollar figure and it doesn't give full perspective to quantity of weapons and their use. I would venture to guess that the $5 million Bulgaria-Congo arms transfer of the world probably wind up killing more people than the $350 million US-UAE transfer.



Look at it this way, more people have been killed with $120 rifles than $100,000 missiles because most violence in the world consists of poor people killing other poor people and the means to inflict suffering are very very cheap. It may not be very accurate, but you shoot enough bullets through an AK and you're bound to hit someone. Sadly that someone is usually the innocent.

Most of these sales may be for big ticket items. It's countries going to Washington going on spending spree buying shit they could not possibly need to meet nonexistent or at best trumped up threats from Iran. Yes, my tiny desert Emirate needs 300 modern main battle tanks.. It's like going to Best Buy and buy a high end gaming computer to do your taxes.

If there's one thing that is clear from all this and that we need to take to heart, it's that we clearly need to spend more on defense. Look at how many guns and weapons we sell to other countries. We have to stay ahead of them or the terrorist win.. I mean, literally, they win with our toys!

Become An NRA Member

Become An NRA Member

I'm no gun nut. Sure, I've fired off a full auto machine gun and I've pulled the trigger to a tommy gun, but that doesn't mean I think that anyone has a justified reason for owning any sort of gun like that for home protection. But that wont stop me from getting something for free.

From their cold dead hands to your internet, the NRA is offering a free one-year membership in an attempt to boost their numbers and take advantage of the Obama freakout that is turning former patriotic Wingnuts into CSA citizens.

https://www.nrahq.org/nrabonus/accept-membership.asp



Check out these benefits!

* 24/7 Defense of Your Firearm Freedoms
* NRA's Freedom Times Monthly E-Letter
* Your NRA Membership Card and Decal
* Savings on Hotels, Rental Cars and More
* Invitations to Friends of NRA Dinners and Celebration of American Values Special Events

Plus...

* Free Admission to NRA's Show With Over Five Acres of Guns, Gear and Outfitter Displays (with current membership) in Phoenix, 2009 - Charlotte, 2010 - Pittsburgh, 2011

I am signing up today (as a fake name of course) and so should you! Keep in mind they link to the USPS database, so you'll have to put a real address like a hotel or Wrigley Field. If you need any help with that, it's 1060 West Addison. Just pretend you're on a mission from god.


It's solely for home protection! Where's my rights to bare nuclear arms?!

I guess I never bothered looking into being an NRA member because.. well, because you people are fucking crazy. Who the hell needs to join a gun about rifles. You got some serious penis issues, man. This is just like joining the just for men hair club. Yeah, not needed and not something to brag about. I've shot a fully automatic gun in the desert once. Was it fun? Yeah, I guess it was a bit fun. A whole lot better than pissing my money away at the casinos. But not something I'd join to preserve my rights to.

When I came across this free offer I was a bit surprised by it actually. Not because it was free but because you mean to tell me that you previously had to pay to be a gun nut? I understand freedom isn't free, ZING! But paying to be a member of the NRA just cements that you're pretty fucking crazy.

I mean, 24/7 representation? it's 2am on Sunday morning, my gun rights are being threatened, who do I call? You open the window and sit on the sill, cradling your gun as suspiciously dark strangers approach your gated community



if you want to ambush the strangers, move to page 65 to put on your tactical pants
if you want to scare them away with a racist slur and a warning shot, move to page 45

If you want to see the quality piece of works you'll get from being a member, click here.

Yeah..when I think about this shit, my thoughts are to not actually sign up. Sure the bumper sticker and ironicness of being a NRA member is tempting, but you don't want the NRA to have one more member to tell congress they represent. Even if the reason why hunting is still around is because it's one of the few things keeping rural towns alive after nafta moved all the local manufacturing jobs overseas. So that the only shit possible to make here is crap to blow shit up.

The Not-So-Manchurian Candidate

The Not-So-Manchurian Candidate

Once Obama was elected I was worried that some racist moron would take a shot at him. So much in fact that I put him on my 2009 dead pool list. Well, I was right. Mostly about the moron part. It seems like only morons are trying to kill the president.

Capitol Police have arrested a man on Tuesday afternoon who said he had a delivery for President Obama and a rifle.

Obama was aboard Air Force One at the time of the incident.

Let's be fair and balanced here and look at other news sources on this piece. It really can't be as open and shut as this report is stating. I mean.. what kind of moron is this guy?

Politico wrote:

Capitol Police spokeswoman Kimberly Schneider says the man did not make an explicit threat against the president. -- (6:35 p.m.)

More details on Capitol Hill arrest: The man walked up to a "birdcage," one of the Capitol Police guard shacks in the driveway. When challenged for identification, the man was "talking funny," according to a CP officer. Police asked whether he had any weapons, he told them that he had a .22 caliber rifle. -- John Bresnahan (5:56 p.m.)

Capitol police have arrested a man on the Hill who said he had a delivery for President Obama and a rifle. -- Josh Gerstein (5:30 p.m.)

AFP wrote:

The man drove up to the barricade at about 4 p.m. EST and "told us he had a delivery for President Obama," said Sergeant Kimberly Schneider.

Under questioning, "he admitted to having a rifle" in his truck, prompting officers to arrest him and take him to capitol police headquarters, where charges against him were pending, Schneider told AFP.

CNN wrote:

Sgt. Kimberly Schneider identified the man as Alfred Brock, 64, of Winnfield, Louisiana. She said Brock was charged with possession of an unregistered firearm and unregistered ammunition.

I think the better way to report this is "Area Man Gets Drunk, Arrested". Well. Let's not jump to conclusions. Elvis did bring Nixon a handgun. Now if only he'd use it on himself... I'm really glad that everyone who wants to kill Obama is terrible and shitty at assassination.

This does strike the same cord as the fundie who tried to blow up an abortion clinic by running a car full of gas cans into the side wall. Only he failed to take into account the fact that contrary to Hollywood stereotypes, gas isn't an explosive.

He did more damage to his car than the building.

I would hope any would-be assassin's are as competent as the current lot. Hell, this guy didn't even have the idea to check if Obama was home. It was all over the news that Obama was in Florida. You'd think these assassins would put some thought into these things.

Its pretty disgusting people actually want to assassinate him though. They could use pretty much any black guy as a body double since the type of person who would assassinate Obama probably can't tell them folks apart.

I have to wonder what he's going to do with a .22 rifle, even if he could get anywhere close to the white house? Shoot some of the squirrels?

How did this guy think he was going to carry out his cunning plan anyway? really wonder how that guy thought this was all going to go down:

"Why hello there constable! got a delivery for our swarthy commander in chief! Why yes my usual means of delivery conveyance is at the mechanics, leaving me with this rusty 1987 Ford F-150 as a backup for my important deliveries! Ho ho now why would a deliveryman like myself carry around 'weapons' that's the silliest thing I've heard all day _{shut up shut up shut up Alfred just stick to the plan it's airtight}"

I guess we're going to have to deal with poorly planned assassinations until the next batch of disgruntled marines come back from deployment. It does make me wonder what happened to the good ol' days when people had some creativity behind it.

Hell, with Clinton someone tried to crash a plane into the White House. But then, back in the heady 90's, people had gumption. Even he did crash into a tree instead of hitting the Clinton's bedroom as planned.

I kinda liked the guy who just straight up stormed the White House with a shotgun under the Clinton Administration and actually got a decent way through the grass area before getting taken down. That was a dude who could get things done; what kind of things I don't think even he was sure, but hey.

Jack Handey Said it best:

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

So with that in mind, have a safe (more than likely going to be safe with morons like this being the cream of the crop in assassination attempts) Presidents Day. Now I'm not sure if this is one of those fake Government only holidays or if you're suppose to be out back manning the grill. How about you do a little bit of both. In that you should man the grill while working on your government job.

The night Santa went crazy

The Night Santa Went Crazy

When it was just grandma that got run over by his reindeer I assumed it was an accident and this jolly ol' saint Nick wasn't actually evil. That viewpoint changed with the news today showing that Santa Killed 3 and then himself.

A man dressed as Santa Claus opened fire at a Christmas Eve party in a suburban Los Angeles home that subsequently caught fire, leaving three people dead, police said.

The man arrived at the party in Covina late Wednesday and immediately opened fire with a handgun, police Lt. Pat Buchanan said.

Buchanan says three bodies were found after the fire was put out. He could not say how the fire started or how the three people died.

Buchanan says three other people were injured. A woman in her 20s and an 8-year-old girl had gunshot wounds that were not life-threatening, and a third person had a broken ankle.

Police are seeking a man they are calling a person of interest, 45-year-old Bruce Jeffrey Pardo. Buchanan said Pardo is the estranged husband of a person who may have been at the party.

Police received several 911 calls with reports of shots fired at 11:30 p.m. Wednesday night, and were still hearing gunshots after they arrived and found the house in flames, Buchanan said.

When Fox news said that there was a war on Christmas I should have listened. The alternative titles to this article would have been Santa Clause is gunning you down, Merry Christmas not Scary Christmas, Spreading that Holiday Fear and Ho Ho Holy shit that man has a gun! But since it's the Holidays I'll hold back on the terrible puns... ok, so I wont. But I'll attempt to curb it.



Baldwin Park and West Covina are mostly shitholes..but Covina itself? It really only recently started getting shitty. When the ghetto keeps expanding it's eventually going to consume the surrounding areas -hungry for more souls. And let's not forget the wonderful circus of lost souls and shattered dreams that is the canyon city of Azusa. It's only a matter of time before some crazy dude dresses as the Easter Bunny and slaughters countless.

The suspect in question for such a killing spree shoved a coal up his stocking and offed himself. It's going to be tough to explain to the kids next year that Santa killed himself. Just make sure to explain that it wasn't because little Timmy and Jenny asked for way too much and Santa couldn't handle the stress.


Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. What if it turns out the people he killed... were terrorists? What then? Perhaps we should be treating this man like a hero. A Jack Bauer of the Holiday world. Nah, the dude was certified insane. As anyone would be if they've been working with elves all year creating toys for all the boys and girls. It was only a matter of time before that big fat man went to far! Santa needs to be stopped!

If it's not because of this random murders that he happens to commit every couple of years, it's because the whole idea of a fat man in a suit being allowed into your home without any question as to safety should not be allowed! Think of what it teaches the children. As well as create expectations to kids that anything the want they can get simply by putting it on a Christmas list. Oh sure, they have to be good. But who's to say what's behaving good and what counts as being bad? What if Santa's standards for good and bad change. We can't trust the moral compass of a man who goes on a killing spree every couple of years.



Oh what the hell, one more picture of the jolly old fat crazy bastard!