Party Hard..

Party Hard

It would be highly irresponsible of me to encourage excess amounts of drinking. You know, especially after I just wrote a piece about encouraging mass suicide. So perhaps I'll plead the fifth here. It's not like you need me to tell you to drink a lot tonight. It is New Years, the time when everyone just wants to chug any and everything to make sure that the year ends with no regrets and the new one starts with a massive hangover as well as the lesson of "man, I probably shouldn't drink like that anymore"

But sure enough, there's an ad campaign promoting responsibility and I just want to make fun of it. So here we go. Can anyone tell me the lesson learned from this following ad campaign?



How about DON'T PUT YOUR DRINKS ON THE POOL TABLE! At the very least use a goddamn coaster, sheesh! Just look at how she's got him pinned helpless against the table! Cunningly cutting off his path to escape with her raised leg. Clever girl.

Just look at how much the two other people wish they had even a little bit of human contact. Part of me feels like they're actually looking at each other and not at the people making out. Like, maybe they're thinking "Hey, wanna have some fun as well? I'll get the shots!"

I really don't understand this advertisement. Is she suppose to be fat? She doesn't look any bigger or smaller than the girl in the background. Why is it exactly that getting shit faced drunk was so bad of a thing? Oh, is it because she's engaging in activity which allegedly will be embarrassing later, and the ad is a plea for moderation?

Perhaps the lesson is to not make out in a bar because you'll be making everyone else sad and unhappy and being all gross like.

I do know the lesson of the next image and it's very simple.... Don't drink! You might temporarily overcome the inane restrictions society has arbitrarily placed upon you.



But maybe the original poster had a point about the whole making out in public. Making out after you're 24 is tacky and pointless. Get on with the sex already. You're not Archie and Jug-head. Get on with what matters.. getting it on. For which, Alcohol can more than be a helpful tool with.

Why yes, you may look like a creep.... to the sober people. But to the drunk people, you'll look totally cool. Or at least potentially like some sort of strange magical creature come to bring them some more beer as well as good tidings and three wishes. One of which will be used to make the room stop spinning.

This next set of the same advertisement is geared towards making sure you don't piss off friends and loved ones. Well, mainly to make sure that you stick to getting into bar room brawls with total strangers and not with your close "friends".



I don't get this one either. Perhaps you could use alcohol to filter out those morons who aren't actually your friends. You know, if your friendships aren't drunk-proof, then you have really shitty friends and should consider going out and getting new ones.

This whole notion of people losing their friends is a good thing because then they can go make friends with some others who aren't a bunch of uptight prudish judgmental grudge-nursing assholes.



Well now, this advertisement is just reinforcing the sexist notion that women can't hold their liquor. Besides that, women generally have little to no problem in telling you how they feel when they're sober. Why do you think they will let loose with the insults only after a couple of drinks?

Oh no, a total cunt who's boyfriend you were flirting with while drunk is totally not going to be your friend anymore. You know what that means, right? Fuck it. Sleep with him and then rub her face in it. I mean, seriously. What's the worse thing you can tell your friend while drunk? That you slept with her man? That you know he's cheated on her with someone else?

Usually the shit that comes out while drunk is the shit that has been buried not-so-deep and it just goes to show you that your friendship isn't as deep as you thought it was to begin with. So if anything, alcohol is doing you a favor and helping to push you in a direction you should have gone to a long time ago.

I'm not saying you're a good friend, all I'm saying is that alcohol is liquid courage. As highlighted in this next ad.



Oh yes, I know this one all too well. It' the embarrassment of drunkenly sitting by yourself in a fun bar with a dart board, pool tables, drunk friends while other people enjoy life. This ad just simply shows that when you're drunk you think you're cool when you're really not. Guess what, even sober you think you're cool when you're really not. That's life.

Is this such a bad thing? Probably. But you're drunk, so you won't realize you were a dick till way after. It's the people who aren't drunk that really get to see how much of a dick you are. And it's there fault for not being drunk as well. Cause then they'll be blinded by how much of a dick they are, as well as how much of an self absorbed asshole they're being.

So what's the next ad fighting against? Well now, it must be your street cred....



Oh noes! I showed my frontal fat/milk sacs to my idiot friends! You know, if your friends haven't at some point seen you naked or nearly naked, then you're really doing it wrong. Oh, I'm sorry. Did society instill the notion that the human body is something gross and should always be covered up at all times by layers and layers of clothing? Get over it. Their tits/cock/pussy/butt cheeks.

Evidently this is a big enough concern that they had to spend the money on two of the same warnings that drinking may lead to you showing your fun bags to your friends. You know, I don't know about you, but I don't think this is the worse thing in the world.



The problem with all these images is that they're suppose to happen. It's like going to the movies and not seeing the trailers. What's the point of partying with a bunch of people who can't hold their alcohol and wish to let their inhibitions out if you're going to beat it into their skulls about moderation.

I ask, what's the point of partying at all if a bunch of fucked up shit didn't happen? That's the warp and woof of getting wasted. It's like going on Google and pressing "I feel lucky". Yeah, sometimes you may end up with puke on your clothing or having to take care of some stumbling drunk, but then it's balanced out with the times someone makes a complete fool out of themselves or the potential nearly naked late night pool raid.

Just look at all the ads in this post. If you scroll through those images, it's like exactly what you see being out on a really long, fun night of drunken stupidity.

At least those ads are not as stupid as this little video clip that I'm about to embed here. I mean, this has got to be the worse and most stretched out possibility in terms of drinking and creating an issue. I don't know how to even put it into words how stupid the ad is, but let's let it speak for itself.



Yes, that's right... Drinking and getting shit faced at a party (where everyone else is drinking) can lead to killing someone's baby. You know what, what the fuck is she even doing at a party when she's that round and pregnant? How about not going to the local kegger when you're knocked up.

And it's not even the issue of being drunk. Usually when you're really drunk, you don't stumble around like that if you're falling. You simply drop like a brick. You don't have the common sense to stumble about. The only thing you can possibly do is just stop any motor skills. So this notion that the drunk killed a baby is stupid.



Imagine the people behind this whole campaign. People who think these are really important messages. Forget about the social ineptitude that you are showing in a crowd. How about you focus on the real issue.. drunk driving.

If you're going to drink... DON'T DRIVE. It's that simple. Especially not tonight. I mean, if there's one night you don't want to be on the road even with a slight misalignment of your tires, it's tonight. Cops will be out in full force. If you're getting buzzed or anything past two drinks.. it's better to just sleep where you fall.

That's a simple enough public service announcement, right? On the other hand... do show boobs. Yes. there you go.

My Awesome Party!

My Awesome Party!

Oh man, you totally missed what was the most awesomest party in the whole world? Didn't you get my facebook invite? I wondered why you didn't click "attending" or even wish me a Happy Birthday. Don't worry, I'm sure you probably called and I missed it because the boom box was way too loud. The cops had to show up and tell us to turn it down. I thought they were totally wigging out. What do they expect me to do, listen to Kenny G NOT on the highest setting? Puh-leeeeease Mr. oink-oink. I aint' having that shit.

But yeah, I must have totally missed your call asking for directions. But if you were in the area you would see the smoke cloud of weed from at least three blocks away. For those of you who missed out, here's me with some mean balloons that I'm so going to try to kill myself with later. Why? Because no matter what happens in my life next, nothing will compare to the party I had..



I mean, it started out as an organized small party with a couple of friends but who knew that someone would bring a monkey dressed in people's clothing and man, after that fifth shot of the bacon infused vodka, this party... was OFF THE CHAINS!

Oh man, you really missed out. You see, my mom invited some of her friends over and, well let's keep this between you and me, but Ms. Cratchet is a total GILF and she was making eyes over to one of my totally real and NOT an imaginary friends named Enrique. And he so had his hands all over her. It's not like she was stopping him or anything. After a couple of sips of her special nite-nite tea, she's an anything goes type of person as I learned the hard way from my years of piano lessons.

Here she is at the start of the night.


You see that photographic proof that she chugged her drink before it even had a snow ball's chance in hell to press the camera button. Though in her defense, I don't have a digital camera. These were all taken with one of those old time 1920's camera where you have to stand still for a good 3 minutes for the exposure to capture your soul. So you can't really blame her for not being patient. She just loves her gin and juice.

But once that Manischewitz was flowing the party was off! We busted out a Yo Gabba Gabba cake that would make DJ Lance Rock green with brobee envy. Oh yeah, did I mention that we had plenty of potato chips? Oh man. Now you're completely jealous. We would have had Pizza if the pizza man didn't get lost. I mean, how hard was it to find my place? Seems like you guys and the Pizza dude just didn't know where I lived. It would have been awesome to have all 300 pizzas that I called in and ordered show up. But, you know us. we make do with what we have.



Even without Pizza we had an awesome time. At one point I remember that we all gathered around some computer parts and put it together quickly to install LINUX. I mean, can you really get any cooler than that? I didn't think so. The cops had to come back after the Kenny G situation because the neighbors thought we were making too much noise and being rowdy when installing software updates. Who doesn't get a little crazy when they're partitioning their hard drives. Come on neighbors. God, I'm sooo not going to cut their grass anymore. I don't care if they pay $10 an hour plus lemonade. You just don't ruin a 30 year old's birthday, you know!

Well, after calming every one down from some pretty wild Youtube clips we were streaming, as well as some old MTV music videos we were playing, all in glorious 1080p on the projection screen, we just had to come down from this high. I mean, you can't live on the edge like that forever you know. So then we got Jenga out. Yeaaah, special 9/11 limited collectors edition that look just like the twin towers. I drew in a little Robert Pattison on them just to make it seem more like Remember Me (trust me, I will never forget)



Look at my parents looking at us play Jenga. Sadly, the towers fell just like they lived. When Uncle Albert's belt buckle (picture above in a dress) busted off and flew into tower 1. There was no time to save the score. Then the real tragedy happened and he passed out on the floor falling out of his chair. Since my Uncle is a heavy set guy, the bounce his gut made on the awesome shag floor carpet just knocked over tower 2 with ease.

But don't worry, by that point me and my boys were all properly sauced and ready to go out of the nest and into the wild. I mean, we did just burn down the basement leaving the projector on for so long. So it's no big deal. We all totally got super laid when we went to the first bar around 2:30. Oh man, let me tell you, them really drunk ladies who are just stumbling around in the back puking their lungs out from alcohol poisoning so totally dig this now matured and aged like fine wine 30 something dude. Oooh yeah. Totally got to second base with her before dentures got stuck on my glass frames. Just look at us, who could turn down these studs?



Like I said, those inebriated laaaaaaaadies didn't stand a chance. So yeah, that's part of the party you missed. I can't remember the rest as I woke up this morning in a bathtub with ice all around me and a note saying to go to the Doctor. I'm sorry, whoever wrote that, but Obama's health care plan hasn't gone into effect. So I'm just going to wait for a bit before heading over to the E.R..

Besides, they say that 30 is the age that stuff starts shutting down. It's only natural for my body to stop working now. Besides, I potentially grabbed boob last night. Can you say the same? Hee... I didn't think so. Maybe next time you'll click in for the most awesome events that I'm throwing.. If you're cool enough to hang with this dude.

A Communist Party

A Communist Party

50 years ago today Cuba faced a new change and Castro took over. You remember from The Godfather II or the Buena Vista Social Club... or Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights.. It was a crazy time and here we are 50 years later celebrating the festive years under a socialist dictatorship!

HAVANA (AFP) — Cuba on Thursday celebrates the 50th anniversary of its revolution with its iconic leader Fidel Castro withdrawn from power, still at odds with the United States and facing new economic challenges.

Fifty year festivities, led by President Raul Castro, 77, who officially took over from his older brother in February, were due to center on Santiago de Cuba -- the southeastern city from where the revolution began.

It was unclear how 82-year-old Fidel, who has not appeared in public since undergoing major surgery almost two and a half years ago, would participate.

Leftist Bolivian President Evo Morales has pulled out of the party and it was also unclear whether Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, who considers himself Fidel Castro's "spiritual son," would attend.

"Celebrations won't be as grandiose as we had wished due to the economic situation," a Cuban official told AFP, requesting anonymity.

A 32-year-old Fidel Castro announced the start of the revolution in the island's second city after the victory of a 25-month guerilla war over dictator Fulgencio Batista.

The communist revolution -- also led by legendary Argentine guerilla Ernesto "Che" Guevara -- took on Marxist overtones in May 1961, one month after the attempted invasion of the Bay of Pigs by CIA-backed Cuban exiles.

Former US president John F. Kennedy declared an embargo in February 1962, before the Soviet missile crisis, which almost set off nuclear war.

US president-elect Barack Obama, due to take power on January 20, has, however, promised to soften the 46-year-old embargo, and Raul Castro has said he is ready for talks without "carrot or stick" with Obama.

The Cuban president has also promised "structural reforms" -- a departure from his older brother and leading members of the communist old guard.

The Cuban Communist Party is split between backers of the status quo who, like Fidel, refuse to loosen the regime's tight controls, and pragmatists pushing for a Chinese-style, controlled opening up of the economy.

But Raul's promised changes have taken a back seat to the global economic crisis as the president signaled in July, when he announced greater government control of revenues and tighter management of agriculture.

"It's my duty to speak frankly, because it would be unethical to create false expectations," he said after telling Cubans to expect tough economic times from spiraling international fuel and food prices.

On Saturday, the president called for new government spending cuts, but assured Cubans the economic and social reforms he had promised "have not been shelved."

The Caribbean island, also battered by three hurricanes in 2008, causing 10 billion dollars in damage -- equivalent to 20 percent of Cuba's gross national product -- no longer manages to meet its debt repayments.

It is still officially in the Special Period in Peacetime, an extended period of economic crisis that began in 1991 after the collapse of its main backer, the Soviet Union.

Although the island of 11.2 million people has since found new partners, particularly oil-rich Venezuela, life remains difficult for most Cubans who earn an average of 20 dollars per month and survive due to a parallel economy.

Branded US puppets by Havana, Cuban dissidents, divided and without a leader, say there are 219 "political prisoners" on the island.

During his decades in power, Fidel Castro expropriated foreign companies, jailed his political enemies and drove some two million Cubans into exile.

But he also introduced historic reforms, including major education and health advancements that raised the island nation to the level of leading western countries.

Cuba had Latin America's best life expectancy and infant mortality in 1959 and one of the highest literacy rates. Caloric consumption is significantly lower on average today than it was back then. The Cuban "revolution" was a joke. They overthrew the old rulers but had no idea of how to resist the U.S. by taking an independent path (like Albania did with a far smaller population) so they subordinated themselves and became a Soviet Neocolony. Their economy was organized around exporting agricultural products with horrible terms of trade.



Even though Americas embargo has been around for this long, I doubt it's as crippling as many would believe. If 50 years of supposed revolutionary socialism can't break free of dependency on rich nations, then they mustn't have been trying very hard. But hey... let's forget about all that cause it's PARTY TIME!!! I wonder if they'll have some Red Velvet Cake for the celebration. It's a shame that they can't trade with America as I've seen plenty of red party cups for them to use.



Then again, it's going to be like Weekend at Bernies. Imagine Castro's two year old dead body being draped around like a puppet. I suppose the celebration could be titled Cuba: At least it's not Haiti.

So hey, Cuba. Happy 50 years under some very strange times. I would come to visit, I really would. Your food is delicious and your music is very interesting. But I don't have a duo citizenship with any place that doesn't hate you. I would buy you a gift but.. yeah, that wouldn't be following that whole communism thing you seem to like. I suppose the closest I can get to you is in the Keys.

The Party's Over

The Party's Over



Wondering why your company holiday part is being scaled down or is non-existent this year? Looks like the tough economic times are hitting all sectors of the work. So now even those who work hard aren't exactly playing harder. I ran across this article from the USAToday's website.

Companies scale back, cancel holiday parties

NEW YORK — The fizz has gone out of the $20 billion corporate party business this holiday.

Party planners say those events not canceled are being scaled back to befit the economic times.

"For the most part companies are being cautious," says Jim Alkon, editor of Agenda, a corporate party planning and events publication. "People are reluctant to cancel, but they are also reluctant to be lavish. In a time of layoffs, that can send the wrong message."

Agenda Magazine? It's on my coffee table, I'm sure it's on yours. Oooh did the new agenda come in? I'm going to go take a crap.. gotta have that copy of Agenda with me.

Yet, party experts argue that corporate gatherings can be a morale booster in these times.

"In order to motivate people you have to find something to celebrate in tough times," says David Adler, editor of BizBash, a magazine and website that covers the business of party planning.

Ha ha ha ha!. party planning. Some of the issues this month in BizBash: Taking Attendance; Yes or No?, Spiking the punch; Rum or Vodka?, Party Favors; have we gone too far? and of course Plastic utensils or finger foods?

Adler says that, in fact, "People are hosting more events, but they are less expensive. … The foie gras factor is down to zero." If foie gras is out, what's in? Comfort food, less dazzle, cheaper booze, while trying not to look chintzy.

What company is serving foie gras and why haven't I worked for them? Oh, I know why. It's because I'm in the television industry.

"A lot of people attend these parties, and you don't want them to look cheap," says Jeffrey Best, principal of Best Events in Los Angeles. "They don't know the budget's been cut. They just look and say, 'Why are they using these cheapo folding chairs?' "

Best's business is down 25% due to cancellations, such as a car dealer who pulled the plug on a party for 1,000 after using Best for the past 11 years.

Other ways companies are saving:

•Time shifting. Parties were pushed out of the December peak season for savings of up to 30%, says Chicago planner Ivan Carlson & Associates, which has moved parties to January and February. In December, "Caterers have higher costs and venues are more expensive," says Randi Freedman of Logistics Management in Miami.

What's the point of having a Holiday party if you're going to have it well past the Holiday season. Let's have the company St. Patty's day celebration in August!

•Dressed-down décor. Fancy lights and extravagant flowers are being tossed out for more subdued statements. "People don't want to be seen as too opulent," says party expert and author David Tutera. "The big wow factor is gone."

Does anyone care about those bells and whistles anyway? Just provide me some pigs in a blanket and some egg nog. I don't want to take part of any team building.

•Utility utensils. In Los Angeles Best is replacing china and silver with disposable bamboo plates and cutlery. The charge for a plate is 20 cents vs. $1, and cutlery is 10 cents vs. 90 cents. "It's cheaper than china and still gives you a look," Best says.

I say fuck it, just order some pizza's while you're at it.

•Early curtain. Howard Givner, whose client roster at Paint the Town Red in New York included the former Lehman Bros. and AIG, says parties are being cut from "four to three hours to save a little and make the event more subdued."

He also says he's suggesting to clients a format with an hour town-hall meeting before a two-hour reception. "If it's simply drinking, eating and dancing, the event doesn't appear to have as much of a business purpose," he says. "We're encouraging people to build in more business elements."

Ha ha ha, yeah.. so you're going to make me work before I reap the rewards of said holiday festivities? Please, I'm trying to get wasted here. I'm not trying to conduct a brainstorm session.

Personally, I don't want my boss knowing what I do on my free time. I'm a firm believer that anything you say and do will be used against you in the HR department. Have one drink too many or make one snide remark, and considering it's me we're talking about, I'm bound to make a snide remark, or check out that one person in that tight dress or make one thinly vailed racist or dirty joke and it'll come back to haunt you for the next six months.



For the most part they feel like it's some sort of entrapment to begin with. Most Holiday parties are simply laboratories of human behavior. Your boss puts out free booze, gets a dj and tosses you on the dance floor with very little food and it's a crap shoot on what actually happens.

If the studio doesn't have a Christmas party this year then let me go on the record and say great. My chances of attending that party were already slim to none. To those of you who feel the company party is the highlight to their season, I feel sorry for you. I don't understand the appeal of it. These must be people with no social life. Why do you depend on the office party to get that inner party animal out of you?

This isn't a way to show appreciation to your employees. If companies wanted to show more appreciation to them they'd show it to them in the form of better pay. Not some booze and the option to crash their career. Christmas parties are there to make you forget that you're paid so little.



I don't want them to know my drinking habits or just about anything personal about me. Best way to keep your job is to be an enigma. Be like a light switch. Go into work and get your job done and then go home. I can't make it any simpler than that. Once you start bringing drama into work then it becomes a setting where you don't want to be apart to begin with.

When you do go to the party you typically hate half the people there and the other half you have unresolved sexual issues with leaving you two tequila shots and a dance floor away from doing something you'll regret for the rest of your life.

Not to mention that if they are cutting back on the amount they spend on the party, what kind of booze are they serving this year if they're cutting back? Vodka of the gods from trader joe's? Doesn't seem worth it if you ask me. Just buy yourself a bottle on the way home and celebrate with a couple of good friends who you do want to socialize with.

Being in an industry where I have to network around to land my next production gig, I still find it that I don't want to be in these company parties. But I have survived my share of them so here's some advice to you if you have to be at the company party to network and look for the next job. Don't drink. Go there do business and get out. Come in and make your grand entrance. Sweep the room and then get the fuck out as fast as you can so you don't screw it up. Always leave them wanting more.