Party Hard..

Party Hard

It would be highly irresponsible of me to encourage excess amounts of drinking. You know, especially after I just wrote a piece about encouraging mass suicide. So perhaps I'll plead the fifth here. It's not like you need me to tell you to drink a lot tonight. It is New Years, the time when everyone just wants to chug any and everything to make sure that the year ends with no regrets and the new one starts with a massive hangover as well as the lesson of "man, I probably shouldn't drink like that anymore"

But sure enough, there's an ad campaign promoting responsibility and I just want to make fun of it. So here we go. Can anyone tell me the lesson learned from this following ad campaign?



How about DON'T PUT YOUR DRINKS ON THE POOL TABLE! At the very least use a goddamn coaster, sheesh! Just look at how she's got him pinned helpless against the table! Cunningly cutting off his path to escape with her raised leg. Clever girl.

Just look at how much the two other people wish they had even a little bit of human contact. Part of me feels like they're actually looking at each other and not at the people making out. Like, maybe they're thinking "Hey, wanna have some fun as well? I'll get the shots!"

I really don't understand this advertisement. Is she suppose to be fat? She doesn't look any bigger or smaller than the girl in the background. Why is it exactly that getting shit faced drunk was so bad of a thing? Oh, is it because she's engaging in activity which allegedly will be embarrassing later, and the ad is a plea for moderation?

Perhaps the lesson is to not make out in a bar because you'll be making everyone else sad and unhappy and being all gross like.

I do know the lesson of the next image and it's very simple.... Don't drink! You might temporarily overcome the inane restrictions society has arbitrarily placed upon you.



But maybe the original poster had a point about the whole making out in public. Making out after you're 24 is tacky and pointless. Get on with the sex already. You're not Archie and Jug-head. Get on with what matters.. getting it on. For which, Alcohol can more than be a helpful tool with.

Why yes, you may look like a creep.... to the sober people. But to the drunk people, you'll look totally cool. Or at least potentially like some sort of strange magical creature come to bring them some more beer as well as good tidings and three wishes. One of which will be used to make the room stop spinning.

This next set of the same advertisement is geared towards making sure you don't piss off friends and loved ones. Well, mainly to make sure that you stick to getting into bar room brawls with total strangers and not with your close "friends".



I don't get this one either. Perhaps you could use alcohol to filter out those morons who aren't actually your friends. You know, if your friendships aren't drunk-proof, then you have really shitty friends and should consider going out and getting new ones.

This whole notion of people losing their friends is a good thing because then they can go make friends with some others who aren't a bunch of uptight prudish judgmental grudge-nursing assholes.



Well now, this advertisement is just reinforcing the sexist notion that women can't hold their liquor. Besides that, women generally have little to no problem in telling you how they feel when they're sober. Why do you think they will let loose with the insults only after a couple of drinks?

Oh no, a total cunt who's boyfriend you were flirting with while drunk is totally not going to be your friend anymore. You know what that means, right? Fuck it. Sleep with him and then rub her face in it. I mean, seriously. What's the worse thing you can tell your friend while drunk? That you slept with her man? That you know he's cheated on her with someone else?

Usually the shit that comes out while drunk is the shit that has been buried not-so-deep and it just goes to show you that your friendship isn't as deep as you thought it was to begin with. So if anything, alcohol is doing you a favor and helping to push you in a direction you should have gone to a long time ago.

I'm not saying you're a good friend, all I'm saying is that alcohol is liquid courage. As highlighted in this next ad.



Oh yes, I know this one all too well. It' the embarrassment of drunkenly sitting by yourself in a fun bar with a dart board, pool tables, drunk friends while other people enjoy life. This ad just simply shows that when you're drunk you think you're cool when you're really not. Guess what, even sober you think you're cool when you're really not. That's life.

Is this such a bad thing? Probably. But you're drunk, so you won't realize you were a dick till way after. It's the people who aren't drunk that really get to see how much of a dick you are. And it's there fault for not being drunk as well. Cause then they'll be blinded by how much of a dick they are, as well as how much of an self absorbed asshole they're being.

So what's the next ad fighting against? Well now, it must be your street cred....



Oh noes! I showed my frontal fat/milk sacs to my idiot friends! You know, if your friends haven't at some point seen you naked or nearly naked, then you're really doing it wrong. Oh, I'm sorry. Did society instill the notion that the human body is something gross and should always be covered up at all times by layers and layers of clothing? Get over it. Their tits/cock/pussy/butt cheeks.

Evidently this is a big enough concern that they had to spend the money on two of the same warnings that drinking may lead to you showing your fun bags to your friends. You know, I don't know about you, but I don't think this is the worse thing in the world.



The problem with all these images is that they're suppose to happen. It's like going to the movies and not seeing the trailers. What's the point of partying with a bunch of people who can't hold their alcohol and wish to let their inhibitions out if you're going to beat it into their skulls about moderation.

I ask, what's the point of partying at all if a bunch of fucked up shit didn't happen? That's the warp and woof of getting wasted. It's like going on Google and pressing "I feel lucky". Yeah, sometimes you may end up with puke on your clothing or having to take care of some stumbling drunk, but then it's balanced out with the times someone makes a complete fool out of themselves or the potential nearly naked late night pool raid.

Just look at all the ads in this post. If you scroll through those images, it's like exactly what you see being out on a really long, fun night of drunken stupidity.

At least those ads are not as stupid as this little video clip that I'm about to embed here. I mean, this has got to be the worse and most stretched out possibility in terms of drinking and creating an issue. I don't know how to even put it into words how stupid the ad is, but let's let it speak for itself.



Yes, that's right... Drinking and getting shit faced at a party (where everyone else is drinking) can lead to killing someone's baby. You know what, what the fuck is she even doing at a party when she's that round and pregnant? How about not going to the local kegger when you're knocked up.

And it's not even the issue of being drunk. Usually when you're really drunk, you don't stumble around like that if you're falling. You simply drop like a brick. You don't have the common sense to stumble about. The only thing you can possibly do is just stop any motor skills. So this notion that the drunk killed a baby is stupid.



Imagine the people behind this whole campaign. People who think these are really important messages. Forget about the social ineptitude that you are showing in a crowd. How about you focus on the real issue.. drunk driving.

If you're going to drink... DON'T DRIVE. It's that simple. Especially not tonight. I mean, if there's one night you don't want to be on the road even with a slight misalignment of your tires, it's tonight. Cops will be out in full force. If you're getting buzzed or anything past two drinks.. it's better to just sleep where you fall.

That's a simple enough public service announcement, right? On the other hand... do show boobs. Yes. there you go.

Taking These Baby Carrots TO YOUR FACE!

Taking These Baby Carrots TO YOUR FACE!

Being in the industry it has become pretty clear how marketing works and most of all, how the industry is nothing more than an excuse to sell you shit. If we lived in a communist society and there was no reason to sell you anything, I'm pretty sure that Television would still be total shit.

Endless supply of content for the simple price of you sitting there being marketed to in ads. Sometimes you don't get cool products to sell like pink ipods for breast cancer awareness month. Some items are tougher sells. Take baby carrots for example.

It's probably something that not even Don Draper could make sexy and it's part of a health food push that we should know by now that doesn't ever work. There's a reason why health food doesn't sell.. because stuffing your face full of chips is clearly a tastier option. But check out what they went with..



I have to say, I find the whole act a bit comical. Yeah, they're going for the going past bad and getting back to goo... okay, let's not take it that far. But they're clearly playing it with a big tongue and check vibe to it.

But maybe they need to target their demographic better. What if they put carrots in a sci-fi futuristic situation? Maybe they'll get the hambeast nerds to get some orange snack in their bellies that aren't cheetos



Yeah, that's too matrix/brazil/not even sure what else is mixed in there. I mean, that was pretty cliche. And yet them announcing how cliche it is, as well as how the ad's brought to you by some yuppie carrot farmers doesn't make it any better. Maybe the fact that they're still collecting their government subsidizes leaves a bad taste in my mouth.. like orange chalkiness.

Oh hey.. what's this....



Now that's pandering right there! If sex can't sell carrots I don't know what can. I guess when it comes down to it, you just have to talk directly to your audience and hope they hear you out... by sounding like them;



Yeah. I'm not sure that's going to sell carrots, let alone anything that can sell itself.. like I don't even want beer after the guy mentioned it.

I think I've seen more tactical uses of advertising of Duncan Hills Coffee on Metalocalypse But hey, that ad wasn't brought to you by some stuffy carrot farmers. I mean, screw them.. Right?

Superbowl Ads To Come... Focus on the Family

Superbowl Ads To Come... Focus on the Family

To be honest, I'm not much of a football fan and yet oddly enough I'm a huge Friday Night Lights fan and if you're not watching it, there's something wrong with you. Anyhow, without the knowledge on when the actual super bowl is, I suppose I'm talking out of my ass when it comes to the actual game. Good thing that no one actually cares about the game or the two teams playing it. We all realize that it's all about the ads that run through it.

The Super Bowl is so boring that one of the big reasons to watch it is the advertisement that runs through it. Just let that sink in for a minute. And if not for that, we all hope for some sort of train wreck in whatever Half Time show that is thrown together when you should be otherwise taking a piss or going on a beer run. Perhaps the super bowl would be better if it were just a regular football game without a 40 minute long halftime show by artists who have long since past their prime.



That's not to say that the advertisements are really any good. Super Bowl commercials are consistently awful and always have been. We've just been fooled into thinking that they're comical or outrageous enough to be talked about around the water cooler the next day. Well, if you still even have a god damn water cooler in your work place, you should have something to talk about on Monday as Focus on the Family is tossing up an ad...

In between the Dr Pepper, Doritos and Bud Light commercials airing during the Super Bowl on Feb. 7, one first-time advertiser will be pushing God's product line.
Focus on the Family will air a 30-second "life- and family-affirming" television spot, featuring University of Florida star quarterback Tim Tebow and his mother, Pam, during the coverage.

The Colorado Springs-based media ministry shot the ad with the Tebows on Tuesday in Orlando, Focus spokesman Gary Schneeberger said Friday. It is set to air before and again during the CBS broadcast of the football championship from Dolphin Stadium near Miami.

Tebow and his mother will share one of their many positive personal stories, Schneeberger said, but he wouldn't reveal which one. One contender is Pam Tebow's decision to carry her son to term despite a life-threatening pregnancy in the Philippines, where she and her husband, Bob, were serving as Christian missionaries.

The 2007 Heisman Trophy winner, also known for being home-schooled, winning an NCAA championship and wearing Bible-verse citations inscribed on his game-day eye black, agreed to appear in the ad because the issue of life is one he and his family feel strongly about, Schneeberger said.

Schneeberger wouldn't say how much it cost to make the ad or the price of air time. However, TNS Media Intelligence reported Monday that 30-second Super Bowl commercial slots, which will reach an estimated 100 million viewers, are selling for $2.5 million to $2.8 million, down from last year's record price on NBC of $3 million.

Declining donations at Focus on the Family have forced the ministry to eliminate more than 275 jobs in recent years. However, Schneeberger said, the money for the Super Bowl ad is not coming out of the ministry's general fund.
"Every cent for this ad was paid for by generous donors who specifically gave for this project because they are excited about this opportunity for Focus to show who we are and what we do," Schneeberger said.

Jim Daly, Focus on the Family president and chief executive, said in a statement that the Tebows' message about family comes at the right moment in the culture because "families need to be inspired."

"Tim and Pam share our respect for life and our passion for helping families thrive," Daly said. "Focus on the Family is about . . . strengthening families by empowering them with the tools they need to live lives rooted in morals and values."

So this ad, encouraging women NOT to abort even in the face of potentially deadly circumstances, is apparently not too controversial for CBS to run. On the other hand, CBS thought that this ad for the United Church of Christ was too controversial to run five years ago.



As you can read in this article from the Boston Globe

CBS and NBC both described the spot as too controversial. In a letter to the denomination, a CBS official said, ''Because this commercial touches on the exclusion of gay couples and other minority groups by other individuals and organizations, and the fact that the Executive Branch [the Bush Administration] has recently proposed a constitutional amendment to define marriage as a union between a man and a woman, this spot is unacceptable for broadcast."

I could say that this is pretty darn unacceptable but I suppose I can understand it. Advertisement dollars are really low and the ads they would have at once denied, are the ones they'll be more than happy to take a dollar or two from them. Even at the cost of looking like they're favoring some anti-abortion stance. Or should I say "Pro-life", as if those who are open for free choice of a person to what they want to do with their body is "Anit-life".

I know, I know. I'm sure it comes as a surprise to no one but NFL fans are kinda conservative, so maybe it's just preaching to the converted. But if they want to run an ad about abortion, why don't they just do it during Oprah? It'll make more sense and it will be female friendly. How awkward has it been the last few years for the ads to be for Viagra or some other penis erection pill that they're trying to sell? I'm trying to watch a football game.. or at least the awful ads, not trying to see how to get my dick harder. Need advice for that? Look at the cheerleaders of each side's team. There you go. No pill involved.



Another thing that Focus on the Family will do is send books that ridicule and reproach the practice of using condoms to schools in South Africa. I hope this pregnancy thing is a gimmick and nothing more than a fad because giving birth sounds pretty disgusting. What is with the world and their need to breed and pump out babies?

Then again, this may seem like a pretty decent ad. Abortion should be stigmatized for whites considering depressed birthrates. I bet they don't run any ads during the World Cup which, by the way, is the most-watched sporting event n the world. The Super Bowl is a distant, distant second. Besides that, who the fuck who is watching the Super Bowl even gives a shit about College football star Tim Tebow.


What.a.douche!

Any team that drafts Tim Tebow is a shameful team, if I ever seen one. This will mark the one ad only time Tim Tebow will ever be on during a Super Bowl, no doubt about that. There's a high chance that these commercials backfire on Focus on the Family because everyone fucking hates Tim Tebow except for southern baptists from Florida.

Besides, I've gone this long into the discussion about that piece of shit and not mention this article about how he likes to cut small children's dicks?

Tebow, famous for his charity and missionary work, spent his spring break in The Philippines. What was he doing? Circumcizing children.

"The first time, it was nerve-racking," he said. "Hands were shaking a little bit. I mean, I'm cutting somebody. You can't do those kinds of things in the United States. But those people really needed the surgeries. We needed to help them."

Richard Moleno, a Florida graduate and aspiring doctor, said: "You could see he was really into it. He thought it was cool. I'd make a stitch, he'd cut a stitch. He got his hands a little wet in surgery."

Yup, that's right Southern Baptist, this guy likes snipping off foreskin. That alone should have him packing. Then again, I'm not sure how much time he has to Focus on the Family when he's focusing on his wife's Bikini;



Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that bikini really fits here well. She has a quasi-celebrity boyfriend, you think that she would be able to afford something that covers herself up a little more. Wouldn't want the young kids killing a human sperm by depositing it into a Kleenex. It's really going to be rough when she turns 40 and is walking around with those things smacking her in the knees.

It's as if the Christianity movement is not only fiddling while Rome burns, but they're also playing with a full Orchestra, "Onward Christian Soldiers" while the charred crossbeams fall around them. And while using the excuse that you have to make more babies seems like a perfectly logical justification to get his girlfriend to sleep with him, I simply have to wonder why anyone, including yourself, could possibly bring a child into the world in this age of post-peak energy decline.



You're simply asking for them to live through the suffering through a bad Mad Max sequel with Tina Turner. If not some incredible tax debts that we're going to leave them. You're pretty much giving the middle finger to any offspring you produce. But still, no excuse NOT to try to sleep with what appears to be the person attached to those tits that Tim Tebow is fucking dating.

Besides, isn't that the whole point of the media format. Sex sells. Those are often the more popular of the advertisements. I'm sure you'll get a lot more reaction if you saw Tim and his girlfriend practice this whole "pro-life" thing on screen. Till then, why don't they just shut up about the politics of all this and get to the sexuality filled adverts.



It's bad enough you're watching the game, stuffing your mouth full of chips and beer/soda in an attempt to avoid social interaction in a very strange socially active method. But to toss in what is the equal of a topic grenade into the middle of a football game, a show that already has two sides providing tension towards each other with fans of both teams bumping heads to see which team is better, is it all that smart of a move to bring up pro-life/pro-choice into the middle of this?

You're just asking for trouble in all sorts of levels there. Why can't the ads go back to the way they once where. Silly and mind numbing. Nothing there but something to pass the few moments while you took a piss before coming back to the game. It really is ironic that now if you want to take a piss, just do it during the game as you sure as hell don't want to miss a minute of the commercial break.

Let's Talk About Whoppers

Let's Talk About Whoppers

Hey, do you remember when Burger King did that viral marketing thing where there was a fake chicken with lots of preloaded commands and it gave the appearance of being live because they taped the chicken doing hundreds of things and mapped them to tons of commands?

You do? Well, since it was such a great idea, guess what they did with it....



Look at her. She's wearing a bikini that is made to look like a burger. The only question you should be asking yourself is if you can get a double double with your order, laaaaadies.

Ok, that was creepy, but not as creepy as this whole promotion that is pretty much summed up as "Look at a hot girl sing while she takes a shower.. with a bikini on." Yes, you too can watch this girl sing in the shower if you CLICK ON THIS LINK

This whole thing really fits in with the Freudian breasts <-> Buttocks mentality. I mean, she has buns on her tits. What the hell is up with that? I mean, it's advertising... so any publicity is good publicity. Hell, this story alone just brings more attention to this breast/burger campaign and now you are aware of Burger King's latest venture by my journalistic integrity.

The scary thing is that there was some sort of huge push to find the perfect girl that will be singing in the shower while you conduct your male gaze on her;



In a nut shell, this is Burger King UK's campaign promoting its new breakfast. How does it promote breakfast since she's wearing a hamburger top? I do not know. It's marketed as the world's first guilt free showercam. Opposed to those ones you feel bad about when you are looking... right?

But this brings about a whole lot of new questions about one sexuality and relationship to food. I mean, Food porn does have a new meaning after this. I don't think I ever saw a pair of tits and thought to myself "My, I could use a nice hamburger right about now". Maybe something is just wrong with me or I'm not normal, but the whole idea that tits are buns doesn't ad up.



Ok. Maybe I lied. I mean, we constantly call tits Melons, right? But that's different. I don't think I ever got a melon at a fast food joint. I can't even remember when the last time I ate a melon was. What this does do is make me feel like there should be a balance here. We get to see some boobs, be it in burger form, why not do something for said boobs?

Don't get me wrong, I like boobs. I get sad when cancer takes one or two away from us as a society. So perhaps this Holiday season instead of buying trinkets for people, why not donate something to the National Breast Cancer Foundation ?

International Day For The Elimination of Violence Against Women

International Day For The Elimination of Violence Against Women

I can't believe you missed it. Maybe you were too busy not celebrating the international day for the elimination of violence against turkeys to realize that you just passed up the international day for the elimination of violence against women.. Which so happened to be on the same. I know, totally overshadowed by that giving thanks day.

So yes, November, 25th is International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women . And if I have to type out that long name again, I may very well commit violence against my keyboard. I can't even say it's the IDEVAW, because then someone would ask, "well, what does that mean?" and I'll just have to explain it to them.


Malay sisters get no break

But you see, that's really messed up that Thanksgiving overshadowed this. One could even say it eliminated the awareness of Violence against women and channeled it to beating, stuffing and roasting a turkey. Damn, that's pretty deep.

But as a pure breed feminist, I decided that, even though this is late, it should be recognized. I'm going to show you some old advertising pictures that were clearly not painting the women in those eras in the most respectful manner. Perhaps a view of the past will help you eliminate the potential violence of the future.



Cigars sure bring out the caveman in me and make me want to beat women over the head with a club dragging them away.



If you have saggy body parts, you deserve to be ignores. Says it all right there. Make sure you're perky, ladies.



I'm pretty sure that if you panned up in this ad you would see that she has a large pair of sunglasses covering up where she "accidentally walked into a door knob." But hey, at least she knows not to bring me that Johnny Walker Green Label. Fuck that shit, I'll beat you with the bottle, woman!



Not really abuse, but more to the point of playing it down. I mean, why the hell call it a personal massager anymore? It's a vibrator. Stop trying to oppress women's sexuality!



Yeah, nothing says great gift better than some kitchen appliances. It's like telling someone "Get in the fucking kitchen, woman!" with gift wrapping.



If you get her a garbage disposal, she'll suck your dick three times a day. Yup, truth in advertising.

I don't know what these next two say;





But I'm pretty sure it's some fucked up shit that will fall in line with the rest of this posting.

So there you have it. You just got a taste of some old ads that just perpetuated the bad treatment women have suffered and still suffer in some shape or form. So perhaps next November 25th, you wont be so worried about what food you'll make the next day. Well.. because it actually falls on Thanksgiving next year. Fuck. Guess it's going to be another year of not remembering International Day For the Elimination of Violence Against Women.

Super Wacky Advertisements

Super Wacky Advertisements

This is one of those moments when I'm able to live up to the name of my blog. The following ads are really odd in every way possible. From how painfully honest they are. To how they really are over the top in describing everything but the item they're trying to sell.

So enjoy these very random ads, why don't you.

A Serious Man is the name of a very good film. It's also the best way to describe this mobile home seller;


This is just pretty damn funny;


Cuban Cynecologist and American Autosalesman


Crazy Bruce's Liquor


Oh the wonders of video production. Just think what YOU can do with it?


Ok, that was a bit too depressing, let's liven things up a little


And end it on a racist note!


There you have it. Some really strange ads. Will you be more inclined to buy their products or use their service? Who knows. I just know I laughed my ass off at them.

Silly Ads That Will Give You Aids

Silly Ads That Will Give You Aids

I know it's strange for me to talk shit about advertisements given the field that I work in. All that the productions that I work on are simply a reason for the viewer to sit there and watch commercials for products. That's the whole way I get paid. If the show doesn't generate the attention to attract the most eyes towards, then it gets canceled.

Even though you're sleeping on top of a pile of money at the end of the day, you have to wonder is it worth it for your own moral compass? How far is too far in terms of an ad? Are you even getting your message across with what you're trying to advertise for? Take for example this latest wave of AIDS awareness ads.



I know sex sells and believe me, I paused that video at least three times. I mean, did you see that side boobage? Can you blame a guy for that? But then you get to the end and it's Hitler. I did not need to see Hitler have sex. I've already seen him complain about James Cameron's Avatar and Trent Reznor rescheduling his last tours. The last thing I needed was to see him get all freaky and what not.



I'm not exactly sure what the message of the ad is. If you have sex with AIDS, you're having sex with Hitler? Ironically, it's Hitler's status as an intravenous drug-user, not as a mass murderer, that makes him a more likely AIDS carrier. Way to do your research, Aids prevention foundation. Besides that, no woman would find that silly mustache attractive. Not in a million years. Same goes with Stalin. Who is getting busy and down to the dirty work himself in this ad.



Hey, when a dude's gotta purge, a dude's gotta purge. Not to mention that the chick Stalin's nailing has got one really strange tit. What? Oh come on, this whole article has no class. Much like the ad campaign they're trying to run. I can only work with the material I get and this is crazy shit.

Moving on now, the real perplexing question is if the following was the greatest image to use for the person they decided to suggest it would be awful to have sex with. In it, it looks like AIDS is a grizzled old sea captain Hemingway. Is that the best



Hell, he sort of looks like the Dos Equis guy. "I don't always commit mass murder, but when I do, I drink Dos Equis.

These photoshops are just simply awful in every way possible. I decided to toss in another. The job isn't steller, but it's what it is for a quick tossed together photoshop. Gotta say, it's just as good as the rest.



Nah, we all know he's too stupid to ever get any from random girls. Not unless they're hardcore christians (though I'll reserve my taunting of that culture for another blog) But still, you get the point, this campaign really glosses over the point. Yeah, yeah. If you have AIDS you may as well be a mass murderer.

This next ad just makes me wonder why bother trying to break the equality line when it's clear that society isn't going to change. Check this out, Looks and cooking, there's nothing else worth examining or caring about in a woman. This girl has one other asset that makes her valuable - looks. That's how she'll make up for the lack of cooking knowledge or the willingness to learn how to scramble an egg.



This ad is false advertising for a couple of reasons. First off, Wonder Bras are just lies to both the women and her suitors.

Then you have the ad lying to women by showing a woman with an already full bust wearing the product. There's no way that the bra is creating that without there being some amount of boobs there to work with.

Then you have the final nail. There's really no excuse for not knowing how to cook basic stuff. Even if you're a complete screw up in the kitchen, you have to at least know how to bake. Didn't your parents give you an easy bake oven? Or at least a light bulb and some cookie dough to play with?

Ads I Do LIke - Jim Henson

Ads I Do Like - Jim Henson

If you've followed this blog, you'd seen that I hate a lot of ads. Being that I'm in the entertainment industry and the whole point of the productions that I'm working on is to simply sell advertising minutes, I think I should be less jaded about it.

Can you blame me? There's a lot of really shitty ads out there. When I first started writing, I would write copy and create stupid and otherwise unmarketable. But I thought they were silly. On a recent trip I discovered that Jim Henson, before going all muppets, did silly advertising in the same fashion. He has become even more my hero with the work that he did.

I present to you some of the best ads I have ever seen. Even if they're all old and outdated, I'd still buy the shit out of the products simply because of the way they took the creative marketing to sell them.

La Choy Dragon

God damn, that's funny shit.

RC Cola

dsadsad

Ideal Toys


Some Sausage


More la Choy Dragon!


Wilson Meats


Linit


C&P Telephone


Munchos ... Notice someone familiar in that?


Tastee Freez


And what a way to end this but with that awesome dragon again

Fuck You, Commercials.

Fuck You, Commercials.

I was flipping through late night television the other day and came across this ad that has been running for a while now.



Thanks Duracell but next time do you think you could try to sell me batteries without indirectly threatening me with the death of my child?

Is using marketing practices like this acceptable? What can I blame for this so I know where to drive my truck full of fertilizer-bombs? Think about this shit. Even worse is that such a product as a "child locator" exists scares me. Paedophile panics really are becoming the popular way to keep people in line, can't use pogroms to deflect public anger? Well folks have you heard of kiddie fiddlers? THEY COULD BE ANYWHERE! THEY COULD BE ANYONE! Truly we must fight these paedophiles (and Muslims) if we are to live in a happy and safe society.

It doesn't end there. It seems that the best tool for selling anything is to scare people because they're already scared enough. You can scare people into buying basically anything.



Then again, perhaps people should see the world for what it is.. a scary ass place where you can die at any minute.



Yeah, now that was a great ad. Too bad the Smurfs did the same concept a while back



Though I guess you can win with it if you make it into something you really should fear... which is not landmines or bombs. It's aliens



Gotta say though, this one is just playing on the fears of working in a dangerous field around dangerous equipment.


She was just asking for it..

But not all stupid ads are horror filled. Some are just stupid because they're stupid. I know that's not very descriptive but just follow me on this one. Let's take a look at this ditty over at menards storage sheds.



Thanks for selling me cheap metal storage needs while there's a tornado warning going on. I was really lacking some metal pieces sticking out of my chest. Maybe with the money I save I can afford better CGI effects for my advertisement



Or.. Maybe not. Sometimes you just have to get jiggy with it



This is just a shitty commercial because it's so drastically different than how Miners actually look.



That ad makes me want to puke. I mean, it really has to be the worst commercial ever. Sure, you have hot chicks sweating up a storm. But listen to the message. Everything even the song is about company stores. I'm sure it offered no informative PSA about the strikes at Ludlow. Renewable energy my ass! I'm sure it offers an informative PSA about the strikes at Ludlow. Speaking of blowing smoke up your ass. Let's look at this Discover Card ad



I'm pretty sure the only way to live a happy and fulfilling life is through material wealth and massive credit card debt, what the fuck are they on about? Let's look at your past, Discover Card



Which is more of a commentary on the health care of our society. But speaking on keeping healthy.. Remember this Nike ad?



Besides having a hot chick run in a sports bra, I guess it did more to the effect of showing you that you should be able to run.. or you'll die. One step to getting healthy is to eat good food.. like these bars



BABIES!!

Here's another helpful hint in staying healthy... make sure your whites are white.



That one made me skid mark my pants.. I shit you not. And when I think of Tennessee Trash, this isn't the first thing I thought of...



Just consider the fact that there exist advertising agencies at all. Advertisement is a commodity, abstracted from what is being advertised. If advertising reflected an attempt to present consumers with information to make informed choices, there would be no reason that any large firm would feel the need to hire an ad agency instead of just making ads in house, since after all they are the most familiar with their products and should be in the best position to describe them. Just ask Cal and his Pussycat, spot.

Banner Adding It Up

Banner Adding It Up

For anybody who is a veteran of the internet banner ads are the minuscule distraction and easily ignored when you're surfing the net. I've spent years breezing past the countless banner ads but just recently I've decided to start paying attention for the sake of science. A lot of them are very strange. So in an effort to not have to write much today, I'm showing off some of the stranger ones.



That dino is pretty happy that it's not going to be able to ever purchase a home



I... just don't get it.


I'm sure you'll get a porn star on eHarmony



I got sniped when trying to win the Jesus auctions



You'll put something gay in your mouth



Lose weight... and a couple of skin tones



FREE MONEY! Ask me how?



Now that's just fucked up.



Having a gay time on facebook



Oh yeah.. taking it right



Oh how tragic a banner ad



Someone should really get to the people who link these ads.

So there you have it. Some stupid ads on the internet. I know. what a shock. Carry on

Close Shave - Bad Marketing

Close Shave - Bad Marketing

You've seen those TV specials before on how wacky and strange other countries are with their advertisements. Well, You haven't seen nothing yet! The ads these days are as subtle as a brick in the face. when they try to sell you a product... or at least try to sell you an image. You know, it's not cool to be fuzzy. Especially if it's a back that's fuzzy. That's never good. No no no. So proper grooming is always in order.

Ladies!. If you've always wished your pubic hair could obtain the kind of geometric perfection previously found only in the panties of real dolls and robot whores, the Schick Quattro Trim Style (no I'm not making that up) is the product for you!



That commercial aired during Battlestar Galatica last night. Basically, as women walk past a bush it magically transforms to the implied shape as their pubes. I didn't realize women shaved their pubes into a circle. I've seen a lot of fur patches in my day, but I have yet to run across the perfect circle shown here as of yet. Thanks to Schick, my long search may finally be at an end. I'm surprised there wasn't one where the woman walks by and the bush just drops all its brush.

I can't believe it took them a year to change the Quattro Titanium into a Women's model by making it waterproof and sticking the women's blade on it. While this ad is pretty much telling people to trim their pubes. I guess it's ok since no one likes hair between their teeth. I remember the campaign last year where the term "manscaping" was creatively used to describe the same thing for men. I'm not in any way kidding about this. The selling point was that it kept going on about "giving you an extra optical inch". Way to sell a product on mens insecurities.

It's a shame to see women aren't thinking outside of the box. I'd like to see a hexagon once in a while. I like the idea of an octagon, just so that women can say "Step in to the Octagon!" My major question is what took so long for this creative use for shaving your privates? We've seen those hair cuts where they shave something onto the side of their head. So I just have to ask you ladies one question:

What, no lightning bolt option?

They've been marketing some version of these things for a while and they never take off. I guess it's because it's impossible to shave your bush in anything other than a straight line or a shape that looks like it was made by a retarded kindergartner. Even with a damn stencil. That and buying it would be like whispering to the cashier, "I'm gonna shave my pubes with this." Which is more embarrassing than buying birth control because that implies that you have sex. Buying the Schick implies that you are desperate enough to want to have sex but can't because you are buying a razor solely to maintain your bush.

Speaking of people who can't get laid, let's jump to those gamers. What is it with blade companies these days? Have you've seen the latest attempt to get Gamers to shave? Yeah. I get the stereotype - Video game players are usually gross neckbeards who don't shower or shave. It's still pretty ridiculous. It doesn't even make sense that they feel the need to spend so much money on marketing. Personal hygiene is one of those areas that probably feels the economic crunch last. Even if I'm tight on cash, I'm going to spend money if it means not looking like Chewbacca.


Moving on to our second strange, but true ad. With Saint Patty's day behind us, I think Guinness wants us to remember that whole behind aspect with this latest ad of theirs



Now.. that's just a little bit... disturbing. Let's see how many bad puns I can make of the situation. Too much head may not be a bad thing there. Black and tan, anyone?

I just have to ask, what the hell are the Mad Men in that ad agency thinking? Well.. I'm writing about a Guinness ad on a blog, so I guess it worked. But I like Guinness and wrote about it just this week alone anyway when I cooked with it making some corned beef.

I shared a shamrock shake.. but not with three people. No sir! I may share a shake but I'm an aries and we don't like to share much of anything. So be thankful of that.

This ad really troubles me. Why are you sharing your beer anyway? I can consume a Guinness with ease. Do you think I'll be sharing it with two other people? I mean, I guess the whole germs thing isn't much of an issue considering the three there are sharing much more. But still, that's not cool! Don't try to take my Guinness!

The Economy Superbowl

The Economy Superbowl

So it's time for the superbowl again. As a fan of television and not so much the game, I look forward to watching the ads that they come up with.. Only there's a small hitch.. it seems like there doesn't seem like a lot of companies want to advertise this year.

A week before Super Bowl XLIII, NBC is still in “active negotiations” to sell its last few commercial spots.

That’s why some advertising wags are calling Super Bowl 2009 the Economy Bowl.

This close to game time, it’s unusual to have any of the 67 time slots unsold.

The network, which will show next Sunday’s game between the Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers, had no trouble getting takers for its record-high $3 million-per-half-minute spots — before Labor Day.

After that, sales fizzled along with the economy.

This year, notable previous advertisers, including General Motors and FedEx, have said they’re taking a break from the chance to reach 90 million to 148 million viewers, depending on who’s doing the estimating.

“A lot of advertisers are a little gun-shy,” said David Shoffner, spokesman for SpotBowl.com, which monitors Super Bowl commercials and viewer reaction.

“They’re thinking of the message it sends to their employees and stockholders who might view it as extravagant to spend a record amount when they’re laying off employees or cutting dividends.”

So this is the Economy Bowl when it comes to the ad dollars being spent. Which is a bit of a tragedy. I couldn't give a rats ass about the Arizona Cardinals and the Steelers are clearly going to win this game. So the only thing of any interest would be the commercials during the actual event. Otherwise it's better to just go out and do some shopping during the game. You'll be surprised how empty stores are.



But no, I'll tough it out. In this hard economy you have to pick yourself up by your own bootstraps and watch whatever they're able to give to you. There will be those who embrace being cheap. One company doing this is Miller. A company who realizes that spending 3 million for 30 seconds is rather silly and decided to only put out for a one second spot

MillerCoors said Tuesday that it will premier a one-second ad for its Miller High Life brand during the Super Bowl broadcast Feb. 1.

The spot will focus on the brand’s current campaign that features the burly High Life delivery man who aims to reinforce the brand as a “good, honest beer at a tasty price.” MillerCoors notes that air time for a 30-second commercial during the game is selling for as high as $3 million.

“Miller High Life is all about high quality and great value, so it wouldn’t make sense for this brand to pay $3 million for a 30-second ad,” said High Life senior brand manager Kevin Oglesby, in a press release. “Just like our consumers, High Life strives to make smart choices. One second should be plenty of time to remind viewers that Miller High Life is common sense in a bottle.

And if one second of your life is wasted on anything better than this, I'd like to know about it! Then again, that's for their low brow label. I'm sure they're tossing money left and right for the ads for Miller Lite. So as ghetto as Miller Highlife is, I think I'll buy one from my local liquor market tonight to honor their one second dedication.

After drinking all that cheap booze, I bet you'd be more open to some wild experimentation. Perhaps you'll even dabble in.... dare I say it... Vegetarianism. Peta sure hopes so as is seen with all the controversy with their offering to the Superbowl ad pool.



But you wont see it because NBC thought it was too provocative. Either that or they're with everyone else in thinking that Peta is out of their god damn minds. I fail to see how this is worse than some of the GoDaddy.com ads. But its PETA so I could really care less about their complaining.

I have to admit that my boner dropped when I saw the PETA logo. How exactly does being a vegetarian make you better at sex? these people want to rename fish to sea kittens. They are fucking insane. They make any claims they can to get what they want. I'm starting to think joining PETA is just an excuse to constantly take your clothes off. I guess what Peta is really saying with these ads is exploiting animals - bad, exploiting women - good.

On the subject of sex selling. Hollywood loves to advertise during the big game. It's the best place to plant all your summer blockbusters in the middle of the media attention without looking like a huge attention whore.

One of them is my childhood government propaganda/toy commercial show that is being turned into a summer film. G.I.Joe. is getting the teaser released during Sundays big game and I'm sure you all can't wait. Here's a taste of the posters.



But I have to question the timing of when this G.I.Joe film is being released. After all, the Army suicide rate just hit a 30 year high. Clearly knowing isn't half the battle. Or at least not the half of the battle that keeps you alive. I'm sure watching a two hour circle jerk to our childhood will bring up soldier morale. Perhaps the real way to support our troops is to not send them to war in the first place... Maybe This is because Obama will repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

When they say "support the troops" that doesn't mean people are going to like you when you get back. You won't come back and magically those millionaires that called you trash and never hired you to work for them, will all of a sudden throw bags of money at you and pat you on the back. In fact they probably won't even tip you at the TGIFridays you end up working at because no one else will hire you.

I'm not a military type of person. I don't like being told when to take a dump or when I'm allowed to eat. That's my choice! Not to mention who to kill. But this isn't G.I.Joe's fault. They only provided me toys like Captain Gridiron, a guy with footballs for grenades. Speaking of which, you mean to tell me that the movie doesn't even have that character in it? This superbowl teaser would have been awesome if he was in the film.

But I give G.I. Joe credit for one thing for influencing, my taste in babes...


OOOOOooh yeah. These two shaped my childhood in so many ways. Scarlet and Baroness. One for a redhead kick and the other cause, well.. The Baroness is hot. Plain and simple.

So yeah. This blog has really been super in itself. It has went from talking about the down economy and how it is effecting the superbowl, cheap beer, Peta nonsense and then G.I. Suicide rates.. So much like the half time show, this is one big mess!

Happy Superbowl Sunday, folks!