Party Hard..

Party Hard

It would be highly irresponsible of me to encourage excess amounts of drinking. You know, especially after I just wrote a piece about encouraging mass suicide. So perhaps I'll plead the fifth here. It's not like you need me to tell you to drink a lot tonight. It is New Years, the time when everyone just wants to chug any and everything to make sure that the year ends with no regrets and the new one starts with a massive hangover as well as the lesson of "man, I probably shouldn't drink like that anymore"

But sure enough, there's an ad campaign promoting responsibility and I just want to make fun of it. So here we go. Can anyone tell me the lesson learned from this following ad campaign?



How about DON'T PUT YOUR DRINKS ON THE POOL TABLE! At the very least use a goddamn coaster, sheesh! Just look at how she's got him pinned helpless against the table! Cunningly cutting off his path to escape with her raised leg. Clever girl.

Just look at how much the two other people wish they had even a little bit of human contact. Part of me feels like they're actually looking at each other and not at the people making out. Like, maybe they're thinking "Hey, wanna have some fun as well? I'll get the shots!"

I really don't understand this advertisement. Is she suppose to be fat? She doesn't look any bigger or smaller than the girl in the background. Why is it exactly that getting shit faced drunk was so bad of a thing? Oh, is it because she's engaging in activity which allegedly will be embarrassing later, and the ad is a plea for moderation?

Perhaps the lesson is to not make out in a bar because you'll be making everyone else sad and unhappy and being all gross like.

I do know the lesson of the next image and it's very simple.... Don't drink! You might temporarily overcome the inane restrictions society has arbitrarily placed upon you.



But maybe the original poster had a point about the whole making out in public. Making out after you're 24 is tacky and pointless. Get on with the sex already. You're not Archie and Jug-head. Get on with what matters.. getting it on. For which, Alcohol can more than be a helpful tool with.

Why yes, you may look like a creep.... to the sober people. But to the drunk people, you'll look totally cool. Or at least potentially like some sort of strange magical creature come to bring them some more beer as well as good tidings and three wishes. One of which will be used to make the room stop spinning.

This next set of the same advertisement is geared towards making sure you don't piss off friends and loved ones. Well, mainly to make sure that you stick to getting into bar room brawls with total strangers and not with your close "friends".



I don't get this one either. Perhaps you could use alcohol to filter out those morons who aren't actually your friends. You know, if your friendships aren't drunk-proof, then you have really shitty friends and should consider going out and getting new ones.

This whole notion of people losing their friends is a good thing because then they can go make friends with some others who aren't a bunch of uptight prudish judgmental grudge-nursing assholes.



Well now, this advertisement is just reinforcing the sexist notion that women can't hold their liquor. Besides that, women generally have little to no problem in telling you how they feel when they're sober. Why do you think they will let loose with the insults only after a couple of drinks?

Oh no, a total cunt who's boyfriend you were flirting with while drunk is totally not going to be your friend anymore. You know what that means, right? Fuck it. Sleep with him and then rub her face in it. I mean, seriously. What's the worse thing you can tell your friend while drunk? That you slept with her man? That you know he's cheated on her with someone else?

Usually the shit that comes out while drunk is the shit that has been buried not-so-deep and it just goes to show you that your friendship isn't as deep as you thought it was to begin with. So if anything, alcohol is doing you a favor and helping to push you in a direction you should have gone to a long time ago.

I'm not saying you're a good friend, all I'm saying is that alcohol is liquid courage. As highlighted in this next ad.



Oh yes, I know this one all too well. It' the embarrassment of drunkenly sitting by yourself in a fun bar with a dart board, pool tables, drunk friends while other people enjoy life. This ad just simply shows that when you're drunk you think you're cool when you're really not. Guess what, even sober you think you're cool when you're really not. That's life.

Is this such a bad thing? Probably. But you're drunk, so you won't realize you were a dick till way after. It's the people who aren't drunk that really get to see how much of a dick you are. And it's there fault for not being drunk as well. Cause then they'll be blinded by how much of a dick they are, as well as how much of an self absorbed asshole they're being.

So what's the next ad fighting against? Well now, it must be your street cred....



Oh noes! I showed my frontal fat/milk sacs to my idiot friends! You know, if your friends haven't at some point seen you naked or nearly naked, then you're really doing it wrong. Oh, I'm sorry. Did society instill the notion that the human body is something gross and should always be covered up at all times by layers and layers of clothing? Get over it. Their tits/cock/pussy/butt cheeks.

Evidently this is a big enough concern that they had to spend the money on two of the same warnings that drinking may lead to you showing your fun bags to your friends. You know, I don't know about you, but I don't think this is the worse thing in the world.



The problem with all these images is that they're suppose to happen. It's like going to the movies and not seeing the trailers. What's the point of partying with a bunch of people who can't hold their alcohol and wish to let their inhibitions out if you're going to beat it into their skulls about moderation.

I ask, what's the point of partying at all if a bunch of fucked up shit didn't happen? That's the warp and woof of getting wasted. It's like going on Google and pressing "I feel lucky". Yeah, sometimes you may end up with puke on your clothing or having to take care of some stumbling drunk, but then it's balanced out with the times someone makes a complete fool out of themselves or the potential nearly naked late night pool raid.

Just look at all the ads in this post. If you scroll through those images, it's like exactly what you see being out on a really long, fun night of drunken stupidity.

At least those ads are not as stupid as this little video clip that I'm about to embed here. I mean, this has got to be the worse and most stretched out possibility in terms of drinking and creating an issue. I don't know how to even put it into words how stupid the ad is, but let's let it speak for itself.



Yes, that's right... Drinking and getting shit faced at a party (where everyone else is drinking) can lead to killing someone's baby. You know what, what the fuck is she even doing at a party when she's that round and pregnant? How about not going to the local kegger when you're knocked up.

And it's not even the issue of being drunk. Usually when you're really drunk, you don't stumble around like that if you're falling. You simply drop like a brick. You don't have the common sense to stumble about. The only thing you can possibly do is just stop any motor skills. So this notion that the drunk killed a baby is stupid.



Imagine the people behind this whole campaign. People who think these are really important messages. Forget about the social ineptitude that you are showing in a crowd. How about you focus on the real issue.. drunk driving.

If you're going to drink... DON'T DRIVE. It's that simple. Especially not tonight. I mean, if there's one night you don't want to be on the road even with a slight misalignment of your tires, it's tonight. Cops will be out in full force. If you're getting buzzed or anything past two drinks.. it's better to just sleep where you fall.

That's a simple enough public service announcement, right? On the other hand... do show boobs. Yes. there you go.

Driving Under Distraction

Driving Under Distraction

Earlier this year there was a driving law added that stated you couldn't operate a moving vehicle while having your cell phone in your hand to your ear. This was a bold move. We were thinking about the children and making sure the roads were safe of unsafe drivers. Well, at least of unsafe drivers who didn't look like total tools wearing that stupid blue tooth head set shit...

In the last couple of months CNN began covering the growing amount of recognition that has been given to distracted driving by legislators. Now, as a blogger and someone who is addicted to their camera, I do a lot of driving, and I see a lot of people every day driving while distracted, so I have taken it upon myself to document all of the instances of distracted driving that my fellow journalists and I witness every day.

Don't act as if you're above it. We all do it, whether it's a surprise call from a friend, the time you needed to touch-up your makeup, the text response with a smile or some lunch at 60mph, the little things that distract us from driving can present a major danger to everyone on the road.

By remaining conscious of other drivers, we can all do our part to create a more pleasant driving experience for everyone. So let me indulge you in this little experiment that I did on the road capturing the moments in time when drivers were not all aware of their distracted driving:



Look at this idiot; in traffic, talking on his phone, this is the most common form of distracted driving.



Wish this one came out better; guy in a pickup holding a sandwich with both hands as he barreled down the road. Barely had time to get my camera up it was so fast.



On the phone while putting on makeup, this is a more extreme example of what I am talking about. This is the worst distraction. Hot women shouldn't be able to drive. Do you know how hard it is to operate a wheel and two sticks at once?



Who knows what was going through this idiot's mind as he swerved past me.



This speed demon decided that chatting on a cell phone wouldn't stop him from going ten MPH over the limit.

I saw a woman reading a novel while driving on a three-lane highway during rush hour traffic the other day. I couldn't snap a picture because the camera opened up and the batteries dropped out and fell next to my feet. But that didn't stop me from calling the police and reporting them. I sure hope they don't charge me minutes for calling 9-11 on the road like that.

I suppose the answer to all this is to drive a manual, right? I, too believe that reading the manual while driving is safe. I mean, they put that little book in there for a reason, so it must be safe to read while driving. Not to mention that it comes with a lot of safety guides. How much air to put into the tires, where's the emergency blinkers are and so much more!

So be careful out there folks! You never know who's in the next lane snapping pictures of you being distracted!!

Getting Burned

Getting Burned

You may not be familiar with Jeffery Donovan. I mean, he is a cable network original star. But you may have seen him in The Changeling with Angelina Jolie where he played a corrupt early 1920's L.A. Police officer. But on USA's Burn Notice, Jefferey Donovan is a burned spy working in Miami and moving his way up in trying to figure out how to get back into the business as well as solving small time cases/problems for the locals.

Well, it looks like Jefferey was burned once more. This time Jeffery Donovan was burned while driving drunk

The star of that show "Burn Notice" may have been a little too lit up when he got behind the wheel last weekend -- dude was arrested for allegedly driving under the influence in Miami Beach.

TMZ has learned Jeffrey Donovan was arrested on suspicion of DUI last Sunday, July 12th. The 41-year-old posed for a cop cam and was released several hours later.

So far, no comment from Donovan's reps.

Which makes me feel a little better knowing that I wasn't the only one who had legal troubles over the last week and a half. I mean, I worked with this man for a very small amount of time during season 1. He's actually a really good guy in person. Very approachable and chill to hang with. Rather funny that his last twitter update was On Friday via Twitter, Jefferey said this:

All fans: BURN NOTICE reclaimed #1 show lastnight on Cable!!!! Thank you for all your support. I promise to reward you. :-)

Well, I suppose he had to get really tanked in order to get the celebration going. The one thing that it doesn't say on the report is if Sam or Fi busted him out of jail. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt and think that he was simply trying to infiltrate the drunk tank as believable as possible.



I do have to laugh a little. My time working on the show had a lot of mocking jokes that there was going to be a lot of voice overs. So people would just talk in third person when setting up the sets in the voice over that Michael Westen does. I can picture what he would say in the situation talking to the officer.

"When trying to pass a field sobriety test, all you do is what the officer says and hope that you can avoid any mistakes."

Then I get pulled down to the reality that he was really slurring his words and all he had to say was this lovely replay:

"When Donovan finally stopped, he didn't serve himself well when he said, "Sorry, I didn't see the red light or your stopped car.""

I suppose the worse part i that his future scenes of him drinking next season might be cut down or cut out depending on if the judge slaps him hard and his publicist decides to do the whole "sobriety redeemer" angle. I mean, at the very least, this isn't Lost. He would have been shit canned and really burned off the show.

I Got So Drunk...

I Got So Drunk...

As I sit here sober on a Thursday morning... which really shouldn't come as a surprise. I mean, it's fuckin' Thursday morning, what sort of drunk do you have to be in order to be sauced at this early hour on the weekday? You better have a good excuse. Like it was your Birthday last night or you simply don't care about any 12 step programs. Something like that.



Anyhow, where was I? Oh yes. As I sit here on a Thursday morning I'm reminded of a time I've been so drunk. But then I realize that I don't remember much of anything in my normal life, let alone when I'm well passed the drunken-zone. So I can't remember much. Good thing that I had this planned out and I asked others, in a quick and random IM window on times when they were drunk.

Yes, when they were drunk. It comes to no surprise that my friends are shifty fellas. But let's just call a spade a spade. We've all been there. One (or five) drinks too many and you can't remember what the fuck you're doing and what you're doing to it. Let me take you on a trip through the world and horrors of what some people did when they were way too drunk to remember.



...Puked so hard a football went three feet.

.... I got so drunk that I aggravated my Vagus nerve and had a seizure while taking a piss at 4 in the morning. I fell backwards and hit my head and elbow on the porcelain tub. I'll never forget the REAL blackout I had. Every muscle in my body cramping like crazy, and I couldn't get up/open my eyes/do anything to stop it.

...rode an elevator in a hotel up and down, stopping on every floor. When the doors would open on each floor, I would dance around screaming the floor I had stopped on. There were also tourists attempting to use this elevator I had commandeered.




.... Blacked out and ended up in a hospital on New Years. Have no idea what happened for about a 5-hour time frame.

..... Passed out on the sidewalk and got taken to the hospital with a lethal BAC (.4)! No insurance, $2800 bill.

..... I got so drunk that I .... fucked a fatty.



...I pissed my pants a fair few times, and on my girlfriend's clothes once, only one outfit though and it was already dirty.

.....went to an Ashlee Simpson concert.

...turned the black toga I was wearing into a cape and then ran around Wrigleyville in nothing but said cape and boxers telling every person I saw that I was Batman and that I was keeping them safe/making sure their night was good. I later woke up in my lawn in the suburbs in time to see my friend's car backing out of my driveway. What happened in between will forever be a mystery to me.



...pissed out of a window 3 stories up.

... pissed out of a moving car window. You should remember that night, you were driving (Let's just pretend I was drunk and don't remember...)

..... Danced on the top of my friends car leaving a dent in the roof so big that when it rained water would collect.




... woke up in a swamp covered in mud with no pants or shoes and I had somehow fashioned a make-shift pair of shorts out of a t-shirt by putting my legs through the arm holes. I had never seen that T-shirt in my life

..... I had my name staple gunned into my ass once.

.... Decided to blow a fireball. First attempt was unsuccessful. But coated my face in everclear Second attempt worked like a charm - And lit my face on fire... Still kinda hurts. Guess chicks dig scars though.



.... Thought NewsRadio was funny when Andy Dick was on it, forgot how to turn off my Tv, somehow logged onto amazon and ordered the first 4 or 5 seasons on dvd.

..... I got so drunk this new years, I ate an entire 2lb block of cheese in about 20 min. My body is not happy with me.

...that on my friends birthday at the steakhouse I blacked out after ordering my steak, I remember ordering it and then I remember it being done, oh well. -Oddly enough, I have done the same thing. Only at fred62 and I don't recall how it was ever eaten.. or if I did the eating.. Maybe not though. I was puking waaaay too much to enjoy anything from there.



....I got so drunk that I threw up all over my poncho. Aye carumba.

....walked home for 3 hours in the wrong direction and then got a ride home from the cops. My legs were pretty sore the next day

....Too drunk to put the key in my front door, I fell asleep on top of my backyard picnic table, only to be awoken about an hour later by a skunk eating from my pile of vomit on the ground.



....I drank a whole bunch of beer and then thought it'd be a good idea to make a gin&tonic with half a pint of gin. there were a few hours of stuff I don't remember, and then I woke up on the floor outside the bathroom and was hung over for two days.

....asked my girlfriend to marry me.

....I almost fucked a good friend's wife. Almost because I got whiskey dick. We were both fucked up and didn't talk about it at all afterwards. I felt like total shit. He cheated on her all the time though, not that that's an excuse. He's my good friend after all.



.....Drunk dialed England

.....Told a gay work colleague that if I was gay, I would *do* him (took a while to live that down)

.....Vanished many a time mid party because I got too drunk and I just go into homing pigeon mode



.... Took a piss in a McDonald`s cup, and gave it a full on kick down the street. I then dared the people around me that they couldn`t kick a cup of piss further.

... Woke up my dad at 4:00 AM just to tell him that he is an alright guy.

....Grabbed a girl by the tits, THEN proceeded to introduce myself. Surprisingly, we became good friends.



.... Uttered the phrase "Fuck off, I'm not drunk... I just had too much to drink."

....Asking an Irish police officer if I could borrow his car and gun for science on my first night out in Ireland. After I asked him, he looked at me funny, I lost my balance and just fell flat out on the street with my back hitting the curb. Resulted in a massive blue/red bruise.

....Repeatedly told the Dj he was a cunt for not having Men at work - Land down under



....Got into a fist fight with a Christian preacher.

...Made out with a parked truck

..... Woke up in my truck in a neighborhood I'm not at all familiar with with 4 seasons of Seinfeld on DVD in the truck with me.



.....let my cousin stitch up an inch long gash in my finger with sewing thread and a hook needle rather than go to a hospital. Luckily I dont remember the pain I experienced, but they tell me it wasnt pretty.

.... decided the "absinthe ritual" was unnecessary and continued to drink the 180-proof liquor straight from the bottle. Later the cops showed up and I fell down a wrought iron spiral staircase trying to walk to the basement.

..... got trashed while listening to a southern rap mixtape, decided it was the coolest thing ever, bought plastic "grillz" off of ebay



..... I paid for porn. Apparently I wanted "the good shit". Not the worst 40 bucks i ever spent, but pretty unnecessary.

..... I took off all my clothes and played wii bowling naked, in a room full of people at a party.

.....I got so drunk that I ran around the house pretending I was a T-Rex. Some time later that night I convinced a sober person to drive to Wendy's and bought two Baconator meals; one for me, one for her. (A true gentleman, I must say)



.... I woke up in the middle of the playground that I had never been to before. I didn't even recognize the neighborhood and I had no cellphone. I had to ask some lady walking her dog where I was.

....I have a bad habit of swan diving into bushes when I get drunk. They just look so soft and comfortable, but they never are. The last time this happened my shirt got a huge tear in it, so my friend decided she would rip it off of me. It was pretty cold out, so I was trying to convince my friend to let me have one of his shirts. I guess it looked like we were fighting, with me being shirtless and covered in little cuts from the bush. The next thing I know an ambulance pulls up next to us and the driver stares us down. I wave him off and tell him that everything was fine, but he stayed there for awhile until someone else finally convinced him to leave.

.... one night at a party with an open bar with a couple of different fruity selections, my date and a friend were just passing me drinks that they didn't like/want to add in with the drinks I was consuming. About 9 or 10 drinks into it I completely blanked out besides coming in and out and puking a storm at various locations. Had my girlfriend take care of me while I puked what had to be the contents of my stomach from the last few weeks, the trooper that she is, and got me all cleaned up for work the next morning by throwing my ass in the shower. Got a text later after apologizing for the ordeal saying "Don't worry, you kill the bugs and I'll take care of you when you're drunk." What a sweet heart. (Now that's a keeper)



.....Came out of the bathroom and sat on a couch at the bar across from a cute girl repeatedly telling myself I could easily go home with her. Apparently I sat there for about 40 minutes before my roommate snapped me out of it telling me he had headbutted a painting and broke the glass in a drunken feat of strength to the other patrons and that we needed to go fast.

.....Woke up the next day with holes and dents in the door with blood all around, a huge hole in another wall, my roommates bath towel racks all broken in half and thrown in the tub, my dresser knocked over with all my drawers emptied all over my room, and the rest of the apartment pretty messed up. I have no fucking idea what happened after we blacked out, but I guess we had some sort of rampage. Neither of us are violent drunks, haha.

...aimlessly danced in front of a bonfire and proceeded to get run over by a dirt bike driven by someone equally or more so intoxicated than I. I don't remember this happening and woke up in the back of a friend's truck 2 towns over. After a few days of people asking me if I was OK someone kindly explained to me why my entire chest was black and blue. Mystery solved.



.... Woke up, still drunk, in the bed of my friends moving pickup truck. Took me a good 2 or 3 minutes to figure out what the fuck was going on. Nearly killed both of us when I banged on the back window and scared the shit out of him. Never figured out how I ended up there.

.... Smashed a pumpkin in the street on Halloween and explained to a cop who happened to witness it that it was okay because I had just gotten back from serving in Iraq.

... I've woken up under hotel ice machines more then once



.... I got so drunk that I apparently picked a fight with a telephone pole. Apparently the pole won. I had bruised knuckles for a week after that.

.... Drank 160$ worth of liquor the night Obama won and stumbled around telling people to punch/slap me in the face because I couldn't feel it, then proceeded to call everyone a racist

..... I got so drunk that I managed to lose one sock. I was wearing 20-hole army boots at the time, and they were both on and fully laced when I woke up - I was just minus my left sock.



.... I got so drunk that i stole all the pens, pencils, staplers, and whatever i could stuff into my pockets from a Dennys counter while i was paying with my credit card at 4am.

... Got so blown on Jager and a large number of joints that I thought it was a good idea to stomp on the Jager bottle I had thrown in the street. Cut to me limping to the side of the street, untying my shoe and turning it upside down and just pouring blood out. For some reason one of my friends thought that putting my foot in a tupperware container full of water would stop the bleeding.

.... Wandered the streets of San Deigo after comic con one night moving trash cans and hiding in bushes. Eventually the group of other like-drunken friends of mine found our way to a 24 hour pizza hut in a greyhound bus station. Got back to the hotel room at 4 and passed out on the hotel room table. Woke up at 5 laying on two of the chairs, got showered and went to comic con where I bought plenty of rob liefeld books. My excuse is that I was still drunk.



.... Redirected roadworks cones so that one lane became a dead end.

.... I punched a Santa Claus while out at some club during Christmastime, and I don't remember this.

.... got 86'6 from applebee's. Applebee's. Yes, applebee's.

So there you have it. Just a sample of the many stories of what people have stupidly done when drunk. So if you're feeling like your head hurts a little from partying from last night.. (A WEDNESDAY?!?! THAT'S COMIC NIGHT!) then don't worry, there's people that have done far worse.

Make It To 2009 - New Years Eve Advice

Make It To 2009 - New Years Eve Advice

It's New Years. You're going to go out and you're more than likely going to get some alcohol in you. Be smart with it, will you? Just because you made it through 2008 doesn't mean you'll survive long into 2009 if you don't think a little.

As much as they do ads warn you for responsible driving, the reality is that you have a 1 in 200,000 chance of getting a DUI tonight. I'm really terrible with numbers and math, but even I could see that the chances of getting caught are unlikely unless you're tossing empties out the window. So don't do it because it's the law. Do it because you want to not get yourself killed.

Not more than 40 years ago was the whole drunk driving thing not even an issue. If you were caught or had an accident while under the influence, the officer would more than likely give you some coffee and sober you up a little before letting you go on your way. Since then the laws have drastically changed.

We really should be questioning not the DUI law itself, but the way that law enforcement has lobbied for and used “secondary” laws, or misinterpretations of laws, to effectively destroy the presumption of innocence for anyone who “just might” have drunk something and driven before the cop got there. Examples of this range from the open container law, to the practice of arresting someone sleeping it off in his car, or pushing a car home with the engine off instead of driving it, or even arresting people for public intoxication just for being over .08 in case they “just might” plan to drive later.

I've slept it off in the car before. It's far easier to wake up and go with only a hangover in the morning than to have to have that pain in my head be a street pole. Under tighter laws an officer could see you in the car itself and loosely apply that intent on driving under the influence and take you in to be processed.

So what are some ways to not start off the new year with a DUI on your record?

Don't Get Shit Faced - Simple one there. Drink till you're buzzed and then allow yourself plenty of downtime with water (Who cares if they call you a pussy, say it's vodka) and getting food in your system. If you still can't safely drive, then DON'T!

CALL AAA for a free ride home for you and your car
Every year AAA does this. You don't even have to be a member. Just call 1-800-400-4AAA for a free tow home of up to seven miles. Callers simply tell the Auto Club operators, "I need a Tipsy Tow," to receive the free tow and ride home.

CALL YELLOW CAB
Yellow Cab will be distributing free ride coupons to bartenders at clubs and bars in Los Angeles area. They'll call the cab for you and give you the free ride voucher. The program runs from noon to midnight New Year's Day. Just look for places that carry Anheuser-Busch products.

ROAD ANGELS TO THE RESCUE
Road Angels, a Hollywood-based volunteer service run by Solution Transportation Service Inc., offers not only to drive party goers home but to get their car home, too. This is specific for Hollywood area, but still.. Keep this in mind.

So there's some ways to make it to 2009. Just think about all the ads you've been hearing for the digital conversion for your Television. Do you want to not be alive when we change from analog to digital? I mean, I've been hearing this shit since about 1999 at CES. Now that I think about how long I've been hearing about going all digital I'm sort of wanting to kill myself.... To the road!

Stay safe people. Don't drink and drive. Let someone else carry your ass back home! Have it be in a tow truck for free or in a yellow taxi! HAPPY NEW YEAR!