I'm Coming, Jesus!

I'm Coming, Jesus!

In my daily attempt to find something about the catholic church to mock I came across this and my life has changed forever. Well, at least till the next blog post, which should be within 24 hours. I'm on a roll here.

Even though I was an alter server and I went to catholic school for most of my life, I still don't get a lot of the religion. I guess that happens when you stop believing the lies and become an atheist. But much like the famous "Things white people like", this following site tracks what Christian Culture likes

It's a comical site.. a lot of it seems actually serious in a sort of tongue and cheek sort of way. But there was one article that grabbed my attention.. It was last year's August entry which really had me bent over backwards laughing..

#31 Astroglide;
Christian women give this to each other at bridal showers and as it is unwrapped they say cheerfully "It's a married woman's best friend!" If you find this unsettling, that feeling is valid.

Even if this is a humor website, it does make you wonder. I mean, we already knew that Christians were so fucked in the head about sexuality. No wonder a lot of the men turn out to love the cock when they've been fighting it all their lives through persecuting gay rights. Maybe it's just that, in a hilarious turn of events, that these prim and proper Christians go so long without sex that the men don't have a clue what to do and the women are probably dried up by then anyway.

Nothing says "Thank you Jesus" like some astroglide. I mean, Jesus does keep them all dried up. He rose again.. that much is true, but he didn't arouse on that third day.. Guys, just don't tell them that they can orgasm. It'll ruin EVERYTHING! I guess the comments had me laughing even more.



Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Said women use astroglide because their men don't even bother trying to turn them on enough that they might self-lubricate? That could possibly be the saddest thing ever. It's one thing if it's women who are aging or having medical issues causing trouble with self-lubrication, but apparently this is being given as routine advice to newlyweds in a culture where people marry as young as they possibly can. This is not something to give thanks for.

I don't know whether my response is "That's terribly depressing" or "my life feels pretty great right about now." I guess the moral of this story is that religions are telling their women that they have to submit to their husbands whenever they are in the mood. It doesn't matter if she's not in the mood for it, just have some astroglide and think about what you're going to be making for dinner while they grunt and moan their way to pleasure.

Summer Season Means Bad Diets

Summer Season Means Bad Diets

With memorial day out of the way and the issuing in of summer it means one thing. Wearing very little. Beaches, Bikini's, Babes and Booooooooobs! But before you put on that two piece there's a few things you have to remember.



The first is that a study shows that bikini's make you look like a piece of meat to guys.

Sexy women in bikinis really do inspire some men to see them as objects, according to a new study of male behavior. Brain scans revealed that when men are shown pictures of scantily clad women, the region of the brain associated with tool use lights up.

Men were also more likely to associate images of sexualized women with first-person action verbs such as "I push, I grasp, I handle," said lead researcher Susan Fiske, a psychologist at Princeton University.

And in a "shocking" finding, Fiske noted, some of the men studied showed no activity in the part of the brain that usually responds when a person ponders another's intentions.

This means that these men see women "as sexually inviting, but they are not thinking about their minds," Fiske said. "The lack of activation in this social cognition area is really odd, because it hardly ever happens."

Evolutionary psychologists have proposed that women tend to look for mates who have wealth and power, so some of Fiske's colleagues have suggested running a similar test where women are shown pictures of men next to expensive cars or other affluent symbols.

But Fiske doesn't think such an experiment would work the same way, because women usually react to men they desire by "interpreting their minds, thinking about what they're interested in, and then trying to please them," she said.

But don't let that stop you. I seriously wont be complaining. Wait, I'm taken. I shouldn't be looking at such things! Yes. that's right. NOT LOOKING! Yeah, that's right. Sheesh, I have eyes you know! Don't worry baby, you're number 1 to me.

Ok, moving on now since I'm sure I'm never getting laid again, with this piece of info it's no wonder that with summer here, people are going crazy for that last minute method to lose a couple of pounds. Whatever you do, do not try The Red Bull diet... It's not one of those diets you should try to follow.

A 23-year-old Auckland mother who lost 45kg in eight months by drinking nothing but energy drink Red Bull says she has ongoing health problems because of the diet.

Brooke Robertson told the Herald on Sunday she shrank from 105kg to 60kg drinking nothing but 10 to 14 cans a day, often accompanying them with nothing more than a handful of dry Honey Puffs.

Ms Robertson said she put on weight while carrying son Keir, now four, but did not make a conscious decision to go on a Red Bull diet.

"I just started drinking it. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating – I was exhausted," she said.

"I just continued to drink it because it's an appetite suppressant and I noticed I was losing weight so stuck with it."

Ms Robertson said she managed to keep her addiction secret from family and friends, and did not recover from it until after a two-week stay in hospital following a minor heart attack.

She said she has a heart murmur, gets severe pain and cramping in her stomach and bowel, and suffers anxiety attacks.

A Red Bull spokesman said there was "scientific evidence that caffeine is not addictive".

The drink was available in 148 countries "because health authorities across the world have concluded that Red Bull is safe to consume", he said.

I like how the article is predominantly focused on the diet aspects of the story, and not the fact that some nutcase drank nothing but Red Bull for 8 months. It's a terrible way to lose weight.. Well, I guess it gets results. Then again, she lost weight because she was taking in less calories than she was expending, althogh the quality of her diet was insufficient to nourish her over a significant period of time. Fascinating how that works.



What shocks me most about that article is that they're actually saying that Caffeine is NOT addictive. Can we tell tha tto the billions of coffee drinkers around the world? I know sure as well, as a former addicted junkie, that it's actually addicting.

Then again, if she wants to do this to herself, by all means knock yourself out. Just wait until she passes the massive kidney stones she's likely developed because of her ridiculous levels of Red Bull consumption. Or perhaps she'll just drop dead sooner or later. I knew a guy once who was perfectly healthy, 29, had a heart attack after drinking 4 or 5 a day for a few months.



I'm surprised she didn't get rickets or scurvy or beri beri or any other vitamin defficeincy that you get from drinking on ly soft drinks for 10 months. Maybe she would have done better with 10-14 glasses of prune juice per day. I wouldn't mind reading the headline to that. "World's Rawest Anus Can't get a break!"

I guess it just troubles me on what some people will do to have control. Someone driect this woman to weight watchers. At least that's healthy weight loss. Red Bull and all these ridiculous energy drinks that have taken over the gas station fridges taste so gross to me. I don't see why they are so popular. Red Bull looks a lot like fizzy piss. Want to stop drinking it? Pour it into a glass and look at it. The stuff looks nasty.



And as for health conditions, I don't get it. I once took Red Bull with Vodka. I didn't sleep for two days and my heart couldn't stop beating a mile a minute. Noooo thank you. I don't ever want to feel like I'm going to have my heart explode. I can't imagine drinking that shit nonstop for so many months.

So perhaps you should reconsider the crash diets, especially ones that are two steps above taking crack cocaine to lose the weight. I lean towards proper eating, a decent amount of working out and laying off the tasty after dinner treats that will add some junk to your trunk.

The Party's Over

The Party's Over



Wondering why your company holiday part is being scaled down or is non-existent this year? Looks like the tough economic times are hitting all sectors of the work. So now even those who work hard aren't exactly playing harder. I ran across this article from the USAToday's website.

Companies scale back, cancel holiday parties

NEW YORK — The fizz has gone out of the $20 billion corporate party business this holiday.

Party planners say those events not canceled are being scaled back to befit the economic times.

"For the most part companies are being cautious," says Jim Alkon, editor of Agenda, a corporate party planning and events publication. "People are reluctant to cancel, but they are also reluctant to be lavish. In a time of layoffs, that can send the wrong message."

Agenda Magazine? It's on my coffee table, I'm sure it's on yours. Oooh did the new agenda come in? I'm going to go take a crap.. gotta have that copy of Agenda with me.

Yet, party experts argue that corporate gatherings can be a morale booster in these times.

"In order to motivate people you have to find something to celebrate in tough times," says David Adler, editor of BizBash, a magazine and website that covers the business of party planning.

Ha ha ha ha!. party planning. Some of the issues this month in BizBash: Taking Attendance; Yes or No?, Spiking the punch; Rum or Vodka?, Party Favors; have we gone too far? and of course Plastic utensils or finger foods?

Adler says that, in fact, "People are hosting more events, but they are less expensive. … The foie gras factor is down to zero." If foie gras is out, what's in? Comfort food, less dazzle, cheaper booze, while trying not to look chintzy.

What company is serving foie gras and why haven't I worked for them? Oh, I know why. It's because I'm in the television industry.

"A lot of people attend these parties, and you don't want them to look cheap," says Jeffrey Best, principal of Best Events in Los Angeles. "They don't know the budget's been cut. They just look and say, 'Why are they using these cheapo folding chairs?' "

Best's business is down 25% due to cancellations, such as a car dealer who pulled the plug on a party for 1,000 after using Best for the past 11 years.

Other ways companies are saving:

•Time shifting. Parties were pushed out of the December peak season for savings of up to 30%, says Chicago planner Ivan Carlson & Associates, which has moved parties to January and February. In December, "Caterers have higher costs and venues are more expensive," says Randi Freedman of Logistics Management in Miami.

What's the point of having a Holiday party if you're going to have it well past the Holiday season. Let's have the company St. Patty's day celebration in August!

•Dressed-down décor. Fancy lights and extravagant flowers are being tossed out for more subdued statements. "People don't want to be seen as too opulent," says party expert and author David Tutera. "The big wow factor is gone."

Does anyone care about those bells and whistles anyway? Just provide me some pigs in a blanket and some egg nog. I don't want to take part of any team building.

•Utility utensils. In Los Angeles Best is replacing china and silver with disposable bamboo plates and cutlery. The charge for a plate is 20 cents vs. $1, and cutlery is 10 cents vs. 90 cents. "It's cheaper than china and still gives you a look," Best says.

I say fuck it, just order some pizza's while you're at it.

•Early curtain. Howard Givner, whose client roster at Paint the Town Red in New York included the former Lehman Bros. and AIG, says parties are being cut from "four to three hours to save a little and make the event more subdued."

He also says he's suggesting to clients a format with an hour town-hall meeting before a two-hour reception. "If it's simply drinking, eating and dancing, the event doesn't appear to have as much of a business purpose," he says. "We're encouraging people to build in more business elements."

Ha ha ha, yeah.. so you're going to make me work before I reap the rewards of said holiday festivities? Please, I'm trying to get wasted here. I'm not trying to conduct a brainstorm session.

Personally, I don't want my boss knowing what I do on my free time. I'm a firm believer that anything you say and do will be used against you in the HR department. Have one drink too many or make one snide remark, and considering it's me we're talking about, I'm bound to make a snide remark, or check out that one person in that tight dress or make one thinly vailed racist or dirty joke and it'll come back to haunt you for the next six months.



For the most part they feel like it's some sort of entrapment to begin with. Most Holiday parties are simply laboratories of human behavior. Your boss puts out free booze, gets a dj and tosses you on the dance floor with very little food and it's a crap shoot on what actually happens.

If the studio doesn't have a Christmas party this year then let me go on the record and say great. My chances of attending that party were already slim to none. To those of you who feel the company party is the highlight to their season, I feel sorry for you. I don't understand the appeal of it. These must be people with no social life. Why do you depend on the office party to get that inner party animal out of you?

This isn't a way to show appreciation to your employees. If companies wanted to show more appreciation to them they'd show it to them in the form of better pay. Not some booze and the option to crash their career. Christmas parties are there to make you forget that you're paid so little.



I don't want them to know my drinking habits or just about anything personal about me. Best way to keep your job is to be an enigma. Be like a light switch. Go into work and get your job done and then go home. I can't make it any simpler than that. Once you start bringing drama into work then it becomes a setting where you don't want to be apart to begin with.

When you do go to the party you typically hate half the people there and the other half you have unresolved sexual issues with leaving you two tequila shots and a dance floor away from doing something you'll regret for the rest of your life.

Not to mention that if they are cutting back on the amount they spend on the party, what kind of booze are they serving this year if they're cutting back? Vodka of the gods from trader joe's? Doesn't seem worth it if you ask me. Just buy yourself a bottle on the way home and celebrate with a couple of good friends who you do want to socialize with.

Being in an industry where I have to network around to land my next production gig, I still find it that I don't want to be in these company parties. But I have survived my share of them so here's some advice to you if you have to be at the company party to network and look for the next job. Don't drink. Go there do business and get out. Come in and make your grand entrance. Sweep the room and then get the fuck out as fast as you can so you don't screw it up. Always leave them wanting more.