Oh man, you totally missed what was the most awesomest party in the whole world? Didn't you get my facebook invite? I wondered why you didn't click "attending" or even wish me a Happy Birthday. Don't worry, I'm sure you probably called and I missed it because the boom box was way too loud. The cops had to show up and tell us to turn it down. I thought they were totally wigging out. What do they expect me to do, listen to Kenny G NOT on the highest setting? Puh-leeeeease Mr. oink-oink. I aint' having that shit.
But yeah, I must have totally missed your call asking for directions. But if you were in the area you would see the smoke cloud of weed from at least three blocks away. For those of you who missed out, here's me with some mean balloons that I'm so going to try to kill myself with later. Why? Because no matter what happens in my life next, nothing will compare to the party I had..
I mean, it started out as an organized small party with a couple of friends but who knew that someone would bring a monkey dressed in people's clothing and man, after that fifth shot of the bacon infused vodka, this party... was OFF THE CHAINS!
Oh man, you really missed out. You see, my mom invited some of her friends over and, well let's keep this between you and me, but Ms. Cratchet is a total GILF and she was making eyes over to one of my totally real and NOT an imaginary friends named Enrique. And he so had his hands all over her. It's not like she was stopping him or anything. After a couple of sips of her special nite-nite tea, she's an anything goes type of person as I learned the hard way from my years of piano lessons.
Here she is at the start of the night.
You see that photographic proof that she chugged her drink before it even had a snow ball's chance in hell to press the camera button. Though in her defense, I don't have a digital camera. These were all taken with one of those old time 1920's camera where you have to stand still for a good 3 minutes for the exposure to capture your soul. So you can't really blame her for not being patient. She just loves her gin and juice.
But once that Manischewitz was flowing the party was off! We busted out a Yo Gabba Gabba cake that would make DJ Lance Rock green with brobee envy. Oh yeah, did I mention that we had plenty of potato chips? Oh man. Now you're completely jealous. We would have had Pizza if the pizza man didn't get lost. I mean, how hard was it to find my place? Seems like you guys and the Pizza dude just didn't know where I lived. It would have been awesome to have all 300 pizzas that I called in and ordered show up. But, you know us. we make do with what we have.
Even without Pizza we had an awesome time. At one point I remember that we all gathered around some computer parts and put it together quickly to install LINUX. I mean, can you really get any cooler than that? I didn't think so. The cops had to come back after the Kenny G situation because the neighbors thought we were making too much noise and being rowdy when installing software updates. Who doesn't get a little crazy when they're partitioning their hard drives. Come on neighbors. God, I'm sooo not going to cut their grass anymore. I don't care if they pay $10 an hour plus lemonade. You just don't ruin a 30 year old's birthday, you know!
Well, after calming every one down from some pretty wild Youtube clips we were streaming, as well as some old MTV music videos we were playing, all in glorious 1080p on the projection screen, we just had to come down from this high. I mean, you can't live on the edge like that forever you know. So then we got Jenga out. Yeaaah, special 9/11 limited collectors edition that look just like the twin towers. I drew in a little Robert Pattison on them just to make it seem more like Remember Me (trust me, I will never forget)
Look at my parents looking at us play Jenga. Sadly, the towers fell just like they lived. When Uncle Albert's belt buckle (picture above in a dress) busted off and flew into tower 1. There was no time to save the score. Then the real tragedy happened and he passed out on the floor falling out of his chair. Since my Uncle is a heavy set guy, the bounce his gut made on the awesome shag floor carpet just knocked over tower 2 with ease.
But don't worry, by that point me and my boys were all properly sauced and ready to go out of the nest and into the wild. I mean, we did just burn down the basement leaving the projector on for so long. So it's no big deal. We all totally got super laid when we went to the first bar around 2:30. Oh man, let me tell you, them really drunk ladies who are just stumbling around in the back puking their lungs out from alcohol poisoning so totally dig this now matured and aged like fine wine 30 something dude. Oooh yeah. Totally got to second base with her before dentures got stuck on my glass frames. Just look at us, who could turn down these studs?
Like I said, those inebriated laaaaaaaadies didn't stand a chance. So yeah, that's part of the party you missed. I can't remember the rest as I woke up this morning in a bathtub with ice all around me and a note saying to go to the Doctor. I'm sorry, whoever wrote that, but Obama's health care plan hasn't gone into effect. So I'm just going to wait for a bit before heading over to the E.R..
Besides, they say that 30 is the age that stuff starts shutting down. It's only natural for my body to stop working now. Besides, I potentially grabbed boob last night. Can you say the same? Hee... I didn't think so. Maybe next time you'll click in for the most awesome events that I'm throwing.. If you're cool enough to hang with this dude.
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