Party Hard..

Party Hard

It would be highly irresponsible of me to encourage excess amounts of drinking. You know, especially after I just wrote a piece about encouraging mass suicide. So perhaps I'll plead the fifth here. It's not like you need me to tell you to drink a lot tonight. It is New Years, the time when everyone just wants to chug any and everything to make sure that the year ends with no regrets and the new one starts with a massive hangover as well as the lesson of "man, I probably shouldn't drink like that anymore"

But sure enough, there's an ad campaign promoting responsibility and I just want to make fun of it. So here we go. Can anyone tell me the lesson learned from this following ad campaign?



How about DON'T PUT YOUR DRINKS ON THE POOL TABLE! At the very least use a goddamn coaster, sheesh! Just look at how she's got him pinned helpless against the table! Cunningly cutting off his path to escape with her raised leg. Clever girl.

Just look at how much the two other people wish they had even a little bit of human contact. Part of me feels like they're actually looking at each other and not at the people making out. Like, maybe they're thinking "Hey, wanna have some fun as well? I'll get the shots!"

I really don't understand this advertisement. Is she suppose to be fat? She doesn't look any bigger or smaller than the girl in the background. Why is it exactly that getting shit faced drunk was so bad of a thing? Oh, is it because she's engaging in activity which allegedly will be embarrassing later, and the ad is a plea for moderation?

Perhaps the lesson is to not make out in a bar because you'll be making everyone else sad and unhappy and being all gross like.

I do know the lesson of the next image and it's very simple.... Don't drink! You might temporarily overcome the inane restrictions society has arbitrarily placed upon you.



But maybe the original poster had a point about the whole making out in public. Making out after you're 24 is tacky and pointless. Get on with the sex already. You're not Archie and Jug-head. Get on with what matters.. getting it on. For which, Alcohol can more than be a helpful tool with.

Why yes, you may look like a creep.... to the sober people. But to the drunk people, you'll look totally cool. Or at least potentially like some sort of strange magical creature come to bring them some more beer as well as good tidings and three wishes. One of which will be used to make the room stop spinning.

This next set of the same advertisement is geared towards making sure you don't piss off friends and loved ones. Well, mainly to make sure that you stick to getting into bar room brawls with total strangers and not with your close "friends".



I don't get this one either. Perhaps you could use alcohol to filter out those morons who aren't actually your friends. You know, if your friendships aren't drunk-proof, then you have really shitty friends and should consider going out and getting new ones.

This whole notion of people losing their friends is a good thing because then they can go make friends with some others who aren't a bunch of uptight prudish judgmental grudge-nursing assholes.



Well now, this advertisement is just reinforcing the sexist notion that women can't hold their liquor. Besides that, women generally have little to no problem in telling you how they feel when they're sober. Why do you think they will let loose with the insults only after a couple of drinks?

Oh no, a total cunt who's boyfriend you were flirting with while drunk is totally not going to be your friend anymore. You know what that means, right? Fuck it. Sleep with him and then rub her face in it. I mean, seriously. What's the worse thing you can tell your friend while drunk? That you slept with her man? That you know he's cheated on her with someone else?

Usually the shit that comes out while drunk is the shit that has been buried not-so-deep and it just goes to show you that your friendship isn't as deep as you thought it was to begin with. So if anything, alcohol is doing you a favor and helping to push you in a direction you should have gone to a long time ago.

I'm not saying you're a good friend, all I'm saying is that alcohol is liquid courage. As highlighted in this next ad.



Oh yes, I know this one all too well. It' the embarrassment of drunkenly sitting by yourself in a fun bar with a dart board, pool tables, drunk friends while other people enjoy life. This ad just simply shows that when you're drunk you think you're cool when you're really not. Guess what, even sober you think you're cool when you're really not. That's life.

Is this such a bad thing? Probably. But you're drunk, so you won't realize you were a dick till way after. It's the people who aren't drunk that really get to see how much of a dick you are. And it's there fault for not being drunk as well. Cause then they'll be blinded by how much of a dick they are, as well as how much of an self absorbed asshole they're being.

So what's the next ad fighting against? Well now, it must be your street cred....



Oh noes! I showed my frontal fat/milk sacs to my idiot friends! You know, if your friends haven't at some point seen you naked or nearly naked, then you're really doing it wrong. Oh, I'm sorry. Did society instill the notion that the human body is something gross and should always be covered up at all times by layers and layers of clothing? Get over it. Their tits/cock/pussy/butt cheeks.

Evidently this is a big enough concern that they had to spend the money on two of the same warnings that drinking may lead to you showing your fun bags to your friends. You know, I don't know about you, but I don't think this is the worse thing in the world.



The problem with all these images is that they're suppose to happen. It's like going to the movies and not seeing the trailers. What's the point of partying with a bunch of people who can't hold their alcohol and wish to let their inhibitions out if you're going to beat it into their skulls about moderation.

I ask, what's the point of partying at all if a bunch of fucked up shit didn't happen? That's the warp and woof of getting wasted. It's like going on Google and pressing "I feel lucky". Yeah, sometimes you may end up with puke on your clothing or having to take care of some stumbling drunk, but then it's balanced out with the times someone makes a complete fool out of themselves or the potential nearly naked late night pool raid.

Just look at all the ads in this post. If you scroll through those images, it's like exactly what you see being out on a really long, fun night of drunken stupidity.

At least those ads are not as stupid as this little video clip that I'm about to embed here. I mean, this has got to be the worse and most stretched out possibility in terms of drinking and creating an issue. I don't know how to even put it into words how stupid the ad is, but let's let it speak for itself.



Yes, that's right... Drinking and getting shit faced at a party (where everyone else is drinking) can lead to killing someone's baby. You know what, what the fuck is she even doing at a party when she's that round and pregnant? How about not going to the local kegger when you're knocked up.

And it's not even the issue of being drunk. Usually when you're really drunk, you don't stumble around like that if you're falling. You simply drop like a brick. You don't have the common sense to stumble about. The only thing you can possibly do is just stop any motor skills. So this notion that the drunk killed a baby is stupid.



Imagine the people behind this whole campaign. People who think these are really important messages. Forget about the social ineptitude that you are showing in a crowd. How about you focus on the real issue.. drunk driving.

If you're going to drink... DON'T DRIVE. It's that simple. Especially not tonight. I mean, if there's one night you don't want to be on the road even with a slight misalignment of your tires, it's tonight. Cops will be out in full force. If you're getting buzzed or anything past two drinks.. it's better to just sleep where you fall.

That's a simple enough public service announcement, right? On the other hand... do show boobs. Yes. there you go.

Shocking News: Fewer Teenagers Are Believing Your Bullshit

Shocking News: Fewer Teenagers Are Believing Your Bullshit

It should come to no surprise that less and less teens are actually buying your load of bullshit when it comes to anti-drug ads. That's at least what the L.A Times is saying

The federal government's annual report of kids’ alcohol and drug abuse seems reassuring: Compared with earlier in the decade, use of hallucinogens was down in 2008, marijuana use was way down, and use of methamphetamines was way, way down.

But the researchers and public officials who crunch those numbers warned that some of the statistics gleaned from an annual survey of 46,000 American eighth-, 10th- and 12th-graders were worrisome.

Though drug and alcohol use seems to be declining or holding steady, there has been slippage in teen disapproval of such practices and perception of the risks, officials warned.

Take marijuana use, which had declined steadily among teens since the mid-1990s. This year, 19.4% of high school seniors said they had smoked marijuana at some point in the prior 30 days, as did 13.8% of 10th-graders and 5.8% of eighth-graders. The downward trend has stalled in the last two years, and kids' attitudes suggest a reversal may be ahead.

In 1991, 58% of eighth-graders said they thought occasional marijuana use was harmful. By last year, that number had fallen to 48%, and this year, to 45%.

In a Washington, D.C., news conference Monday, Gil Kerlikowske, the Obama administration's drug czar, called such numbers "a warning sign."

"When beliefs soften, drug use worsens," said Kerlikowske, whose office is expected to release its first policy initiatives to combat and treat drug abuse in February.

University of Michigan researcher Lloyd Johnston, who oversees the annual survey, said there was "serious softening" in the perceived risks of LSD, inhalants and the party drug Ecstasy -- a sign that "a new generation of kids are interested . . . in rediscovering these drugs, because they don't understand why they shouldn't be using them."

Johnston also flagged a phenomenon the survey has recently begun to track -- "extreme binge drinking," or the consumption of more than 10 drinks on a single occasion. Coming on the heels of the weekend death of South Pasadena's Aydin Salek, an 18-year-old suspected of having succumbed to alcohol poisoning, the survey's findings suggest that such high-risk drinking is not unusual among older teens.

Binge drinking, defined as consumption of five drinks or more in a row, has declined since peaking in 1983. But Johnston said there has been "not much decline" in numbers of extreme binge drinkers.

Among high school seniors, 11% said they had drunk 10 drinks or more in a row in the two weeks prior to the survey; 6% said they'd had 15 or more.

The survey also showed that U.S. adolescents continue to raid their parents' and friends' medicine chests. Use of prescription painkillers is at an all-time high: 10% of high-school seniors reported taking Vicodin for nonmedical reasons in the last year, and 5% reported taking OxyContin.

Dr. Nora Volkow, director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse, which has commissioned the survey for 35 years, said at the news conference that teen use of prescription stimulant drugs is holding steady, with just over 7% of 10th- and 12th-graders reporting they had taken amphetamines -- drugs prescribed to many kids in treatment of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder -- for nonmedical reasons. Volkow said that in many cases, teens take these drugs before tests or study sessions as "cognitive enhancers."

Although fewer kids reported taking Ritalin, much of that decline was because kids had merely shifted to Adderall, a newer ADHD drug.

The officials said that youths report some confidence that prescription drugs are less harmful than street drugs.

In the survey's first accounting of where kids get drugs, it found that 66% who reported illicit drug use said they got the drugs from a friend or relative. Almost 19% said they got drugs with a doctor's prescription.

How long were they really expecting this little charade to last? The whole premise of the advertising campaign was to scare children by telling them lies. Did they think that these kids wouldn't grow up into adults and realize it's all a bunch of bullshit? It's like Santa Clause. Eventually the truth floats up to the surface.



Maybe I should underwrite a grant to get requiem for a dream shown in every kindergarten class in the country. I'm sure there will be plenty of people who support that action. But on the other hand, Kids these days, what with the internet and all, are legitimately much smarter than previous generations and this is evidenced through much better writing ability, critical thinking skills, and political awareness.

They ain't geniuses and they're still utterly embarrassing, but they're a damn lot smarter than kids before. Even the stats in this study show evidence of this. Kids know that drug use is not very harmful, and yet choose to not do drugs anyway. Where as kids in the past thought drug use to be more harmful and did comparatively more drugs. Kids are making informed choices and it's not because of the war on drugs.



Perhaps, just perhaps these stats show a more informed population. Kids are actually learning that drugs are not the devil and are still choosing not to use them as much. So it's sort of comical when they still consider occasional marijuana use "harmful". Back in my day, they'd bring in a cracked out hobo to scare the shit out of you. Nothing like a gently weeping man in the front of the classroom to scare kids off drugs, or in my case, make me hate cops.

To be honest, nobody has ever needed a cop to come to their class to inform them that maybe heroin and crack aren't great. All DARE did for me was bring psychedelics to my attention. They sounded pretty cool. And as it turns out they are pretty neat in the way they'll allow you to experience The Matrix. If you want to see how it feels, pop in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas or any other Terry Gilliam film and you're half way there.



I also had anti-gang education in addition to anti-drug education. Yeah, I was in that part of town. They told us that gangs often have initiation ceremonies wherein the members of the gang get to rape your mom. I don't doubt that has ever happened, but let's be real here. That's probably kind of rare. You can't pass that shit as completely real. Unless of course your kids are complete morons. Or your educators are also.

I remember watching an episode of Law and Order in the 9th grade and I kept asking the teacher if the cops could get away with it, like breaking open doors without warrants or throwing people on the ground that had voluntarily surrendered. All the teacher could tell me was that "yeah, of course. They caught the rapist after all." I'm not going to defend a rapist, hell I'm not even sure why I used it as an example, but I've seen the way that a cop works.. Not gonna happen that way.



I'm a little surprised that ten drinks is extreme binge drinking. I mean, I'm a fucking lush apparently. If there's no last call or if I'm at a friendly kick back and I have all the night to indulge myself, I'm at least knocking back 15. Shit, just the other week at an event I had at least 7 drinks and I was still way sober by the end of the night. Sober enough to drive home safely.

When you think about it. Of all the drugs one can abuse, pot is by far the most benign. It's really a case of one vice in exchange for another. Liquor abuse will make you slow and fat and destroy your kidneys. Amphetamine abuse fucks with your circulation and makes you a sweaty jittering mess. Hallucinogen abuse makes you lose touch with reality and yourself.



Pot abuse, on the other hand, makes you funny, charming, handsome and brave. That is if you're not one of those lazy pot heads. Fuck those douches. But the US government will never, ever, ever admit that illegal drugs are not harmful 100% of the time, because neither party wants to be seen as being soft on crime. They live in a bubble

"When beliefs soften, drug use worsens," said Kerlikowske, whose office is expected to release its first policy initiatives to combat and treat drug abuse in February.

This is literally the opposite of the truth. The best thing we could do for the war on drugs is not make drugs taboo so that kids get bored with them. Just like we did with prescription medication and yet people don't take prescription medication as a form of drug abuse. Did you know that prescription painkillers kill more people than heroin and AIDS combined? And that shit you can get with a doctors note over the counter.



Salvia can give you a much uglier, more frightening and uncomfortable version of the DMT experience and is legal to boot. So make some sense out of all that if you will. I know I can't. The worse part about Salvia is the way retarded head shops promote it as a sort of legal alternative to weed, which couldn't be further from the truth. See also "Purple sticky" brand Salvia. Why any news agency ever started reporting that it was a legal form of pot was beyond me. It's far from it and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who wants to simply skirt the law to get their high.

In my experience, eating mushrooms could have been probably my least favorite drug experience, its like chewing on a bunch of twigs. Though the pay out was pretty interesting. One thing an ex discovered was that if you ever have an relationship issues, taking ecstasy together would be a great way to fix any relationship problems and be completely open with each other. I'm just going to leave this topic off on that note.. Cause really, do I have to say anymore?

Let's Talk About Whoppers

Let's Talk About Whoppers

Hey, do you remember when Burger King did that viral marketing thing where there was a fake chicken with lots of preloaded commands and it gave the appearance of being live because they taped the chicken doing hundreds of things and mapped them to tons of commands?

You do? Well, since it was such a great idea, guess what they did with it....



Look at her. She's wearing a bikini that is made to look like a burger. The only question you should be asking yourself is if you can get a double double with your order, laaaaadies.

Ok, that was creepy, but not as creepy as this whole promotion that is pretty much summed up as "Look at a hot girl sing while she takes a shower.. with a bikini on." Yes, you too can watch this girl sing in the shower if you CLICK ON THIS LINK

This whole thing really fits in with the Freudian breasts <-> Buttocks mentality. I mean, she has buns on her tits. What the hell is up with that? I mean, it's advertising... so any publicity is good publicity. Hell, this story alone just brings more attention to this breast/burger campaign and now you are aware of Burger King's latest venture by my journalistic integrity.

The scary thing is that there was some sort of huge push to find the perfect girl that will be singing in the shower while you conduct your male gaze on her;



In a nut shell, this is Burger King UK's campaign promoting its new breakfast. How does it promote breakfast since she's wearing a hamburger top? I do not know. It's marketed as the world's first guilt free showercam. Opposed to those ones you feel bad about when you are looking... right?

But this brings about a whole lot of new questions about one sexuality and relationship to food. I mean, Food porn does have a new meaning after this. I don't think I ever saw a pair of tits and thought to myself "My, I could use a nice hamburger right about now". Maybe something is just wrong with me or I'm not normal, but the whole idea that tits are buns doesn't ad up.



Ok. Maybe I lied. I mean, we constantly call tits Melons, right? But that's different. I don't think I ever got a melon at a fast food joint. I can't even remember when the last time I ate a melon was. What this does do is make me feel like there should be a balance here. We get to see some boobs, be it in burger form, why not do something for said boobs?

Don't get me wrong, I like boobs. I get sad when cancer takes one or two away from us as a society. So perhaps this Holiday season instead of buying trinkets for people, why not donate something to the National Breast Cancer Foundation ?

What I Don't Want For Christmas: Blowing A Buck Shot In Bed

What I Don't Want For Christmas: Blowing A Buck Shot In Bed

I already mentioned that I didn't want a Freedom Tray (wink wink), but I have something new to add to the list of things I DON'T WANT (hint hint, nudge nudge) A bedside shot gun holder



I wonder how many times they can show the same gun being put into the rack over and over again. The quote of the ad comes at the end

"some customers choose to buy racks for both sides of the bed"

Ho ho! I know when I'm a 700 pound fat ass cause I ate too many Freedom Fries, I can reach BOTH sides of the bed and feel the need to shoot off the calves of anyone who is walking in front of my bed.

The whole Gun culture is pretty scary. It's only second to the Football culture.. which can be found at bars or buddies homes every Sunday through the winter season. Hey, let's combine the two and see what we get;



Yes.. this is why I don't care about football. I'm a Dodgers fan and even that isn't this insane. I'm sure they're a lot less murders in most baseball seasons than the accidental ones that result from this sort of gun culture. I suppose it's different in rural communities. This will be a story they tell at Christmas time for a long time after this. All through the community that day they shot a large tv will be the highlight of some of their lives..

So please, when Christmas comes around, don't get me the Bed Side Shot Gun holder. It's really not the type of firing I would like to do when I'm in bed.

Super Wacky Advertisements

Super Wacky Advertisements

This is one of those moments when I'm able to live up to the name of my blog. The following ads are really odd in every way possible. From how painfully honest they are. To how they really are over the top in describing everything but the item they're trying to sell.

So enjoy these very random ads, why don't you.

A Serious Man is the name of a very good film. It's also the best way to describe this mobile home seller;


This is just pretty damn funny;


Cuban Cynecologist and American Autosalesman


Crazy Bruce's Liquor


Oh the wonders of video production. Just think what YOU can do with it?


Ok, that was a bit too depressing, let's liven things up a little


And end it on a racist note!


There you have it. Some really strange ads. Will you be more inclined to buy their products or use their service? Who knows. I just know I laughed my ass off at them.

Growing A Pair

Growing A Pair

With yesterdays blog about (500) Days Of Summer, there has been some questions on if I'm on anti-depressants or in love. As if there would be a problem with any of those two.. and I'm sure not on anti-depressants. Thems for sure. So what's the deal? I guess that I need to stick out my chest and show how I'm so totally an alpha male (Hey, stop laughing!)



It's not easy to show how you're the alpha male in this feminist friendly modern day. You've seen Mad Men, it's a catch 22. There's the whole stigma of being a man and hiding your feelings and acting tough but at the same time you're suppose to show some of those emotions? Make up your mind, people!

I was confused. I mean, what make s a man? How do I become one of these Alpha males? I hear they get all the ladies, right? Sure enough as soon as I asked that question, all my problems where answered by the magic box that has solved every answer I have ever had. My Television. This time it came in the form of an Axe product ad.



Did you see that? Dude has a date and he gets cock blocked by the waiter. Who more than likely just took his order for a snobby bottle water from the alps or some shit like that. The tables turned, my friend. Alpha male status was just snatched by the Beta... or even Omega male. Now he's the Alpha male with ex-alpha's date.

I needed to see more. Learn this sacred art of wearing some smelly body spray. Everything was made clear when I ran into this German ad campaign for the new AXE body spray called Muchas Maracas.



Holy shit! Small nuts Omega male takes a public shower and then grows a pair... literally! Though I have to question if big maracas counter act the awful smell you would get wearing an Axe smelling product. Clearly it has to because you look pretty fucking stupid playing with huge maracas.

At this point I realized that this Axe shit had spread outside the US. I would apologize for getting our sexist bullshit all over you other countries, but in this case, I think the U.S. is owed an apology for once.

Axe was launched in Peru in 1983 by Unilever. It was inspired by another of Unilever's brands, Impulse. Impulse was a fragranced deodorant body spray for women that promised wearers male attention. Which makes you wonder who was actually buying this shit since women have an easy enough time getting male attention... show a little cleavage.



From there Unilever were keen to capitalize on Axe's French success and rolled it out in the rest of Europe in 1985, later introducing the other products in the range. Unilever were unable to use the name Axe in the United Kingdom and Ireland due to trademark problems so it was launched as Lynx.Don't worry, a smell pile of shit by any other name is still a smelly pile of shit.

With the success in Europe, they moved on to Latin America and had a moderate impact in Asia and Africa. Though on January 12, 2008 a 12 year old boy in Derbyshire, England died in a hospital five days after collapsing at his home. The medical coroner ruled that he had suffered from cardiac arrhythmia and died from heart failure as a result of excessive inhalation of Lynx.



So if you have a wave of women chasing you because you put this terrible product on your persons, you may have to go to the hospital because you're more than likely delusional from smelling this shit. In all truth, I don't give a shit if I grow a pair of balls. I don't mind chick flicks. I caught a screening of Julie & Julia and I enjoyed it. Then again, I grew up on Julia Child's cooking shows and I fancy myself a semi-decent chief.

I'd rather have my heart on my sleeve and show my emotions. That's the way I roll. Then again, I can often be very isolated. So that's a bit of a contradiction. I guess it's a matter of the levels I allow others to get inside my head with. Not everyone knows my issues and really, I'm thankful I don't have an issue with huffing Axe body spray.

I guess what I'm trying to say with this blog entry is... Harry Belafonte fuckin' Rocks!