Why Isn't Oakland on Fire Right Now?

Why Isn't Oakland on Fire Right Now?

I'm serious here. Why isn't the place lit up like the mother fucking 4th of July. By all means it should be considering such a bullshit sentencing was handed out yesterday.. but first, some back story...

LOS ANGELES -- Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Robert Perry has yet to make a decision today in the sentencing of former BART police Officer Johannes Mehserle, but has made several statements indicating that he will not impose the maximum sentence and might throw out the gun-enhancement charge.

Mehserle was convicted of involuntary manslaughter in July in the fatal shooting of 22-year-old Oscar Grant III on the Fruitvale BART platform.

Perry said he has "serious concerns" about the gun-enhancement charge. Without it, Mehserle would face the maximum of four years.

Perry also chastised Mehserle and Grant supporters as he read excerpts from letters and post cards he received. Perry said he was troubled by the lack of knowledge many people in the community had, in particularly a school principal who said Mehserle should get the maximum sentence because he committed murder.

"What troubled me is that this comes from an individual who identifies herself as a school principal," Perry said.

He said that "It's troubling to this court that the community is ... polarized and that is a tragedy is this case"

And here's a video recap for those of you who are reading a blog but don't like to actually read..



So what was the outcome? What was the sentence for a cop who mistakenly took out his gun, pulled the trigger and shot a man thinking he grabbed his tazer? Well, prepare yourself.

Yesterday, Judge Robert Perry gave Mehserle two years for the involuntary manslaughter conviction, the shortest term possible, and threw out the gun enhancement, saying it was not supported by the evidence. No evidence? How about that fucking video tape footage of the crime?

Though it's probably due to the fact that he didn't know he was shooting a gun, he thought it was a taser. So he was not knowingly using a gun to involuntarily manslaughter. Only, the kid was lying facedown on the ground with his hands cuffed behind his back and there was no reason to reach for a taser anyway. Let alone a fucking gun.

Check out that video again. He quickly and calmly holsters his weapon as if nothing happened. If his story had any legs and he actually thought it was a taser, wouldn't he be surprised as fuck that his taser just blew a hole in some guys back?

Every other instance where an accidental shooting by an officer who thought they were tasing the person, when tasers actually were black and looked like guns, resulted in the cop immediately rushing to the person's aid and apologizing while immediately seeking medical attention. Not to mention actually being apologetic to the family of the victim. None of that happened in this case.

Let's just ignore the fact that the weight differences between the gun and the very brightly and small taser make it virtually impossible to accidentally grab the taser. Especially when they're on the opposite side of the uniform from the gun. The defense stand that it was a mistake is complete bullshit.

So again I ask, why isn't Oakland burning right now?

Oh yeah, did I mention that the judge gave Mehserle DOUBLE credit for the time served. In truth, he's only spent less than five months behind bars, but was given double credit for the time served. So really, he only has, at most, maybe two or three months in jail. Though I'm sure they'll let him out of the lush safe prison environment that he'll be in away from any all of the rest of the cop hating criminals due to over crowding much sooner.

Oh yeah, the kicker to this? Mehserle's attorney says they're going to appeal the sentence. The only way this story could get more outrageous is if the police go on strike as a means to protest the jail sentence of one of their own.

So to make sure you have the out come of a cop pulling a gun and shooting a pinned down man on the Bart and killing him. He serves 146 days in jail and his conviction is for a 2 year sentence. He's getting 292 days credit as time served so realistically, he'll be out just in time for Christmas for a murder.

I think it's pretty clear to see that there was not one single person of color in that jury room.

So once more, why isn't Oakland on fire right now?

You See/ Cop Sees

You See/ Cop Sees

It's really a tragic misunderstanding when law officers and civilians clash because they both saw an event through different eyes. It's very often a complaint from cops and cop apologists that people never see things from the officer's point of view. Just look at this clip of old Michael Moore stuff back before he went crazy and was just slightly off his rocker.



It's pretty clear that cops are suffering from a case of not really telling things apart very well. Perhaps I should shed some light and show you what goes on in the eyes of the officer on an everyday basis. In order to better understand this, I've put together a series of images that best illustrate the differences in how cops and citizens perceive the world around them.

You see:


Cop Sees:


You see:


Cop Sees:


You see:


Cop Sees:


You see


Cop Sees


You see:


Cop sees:


You see:


Cop Sees:


You see:


Cop Sees:


You see:


Cop Sees:


You see:


Cop Sees:


You see:


Cop Sees:


You see:


Cop Sees:


You see:


Cop Sees:


I hope this has been educational and gives you a better sense of what our law enforcement sees in our world around us.

Show The Cops Who's Boss!

Show The Cops Who's Boss!

It's a new year and that means you should grind your teeth and beat someone up to show them you're not going to be anyone's bitch in this jail! But in order to avoid doing all that, you have to avoid going to jail. here's how you should do that very simple thing;



And who's the lawyer you're going to be seeing in this video?



Who you might remember from The Wire as Clay Davis' attorney.

The preview shows a guy getting pulled over in Maryland, and a kid getting stop-and-frisked in what looks like a scene straight from The Wire. So maybe they were going for that Clay Davis' attorney look after all. Want to check out the preview? By all means;



If you recall the video Busted, that was one of the best informational videos anyone could have asked for when it came to dealing with police encounters, but now it seems we're going to get even better.

You can find the 10 Rules For Dealing With Cops from Film & Flex Your Rights Website here




But as detailed and "lawyer up'ed" those steps are, I think I should write my own;

3 easy steps for Dealing with the Police
1)Be white
2)Be a cop
3)Don't be guilty of what they're thinking you did

Then again I never got that "professional courtesy that cops give each other. I never go to best buy and pick up a Sony dvd and say.. "Hey, I work for Fox, want to give me the courtesy of giving me this bluray at a cheaper price? No, why not? Because it's fucking stupid.

Even simpler in 1 step:

1) fuck da police

The short answer is "Oh my fucking god, Don't say anything!"

The real answer: the short answer assumed you're not a total idiot but in case you are you should read this longer one where we qualify that not only are there certain laws that prohibit you from literally saying nothing in most states, the cops will give you a way harder time if you only say the absolute minimum and should rather try to both minimize and trivialize the words that come out of your mouth; for your own safety try to treat the cop like a friendly accquaintance and even then you still might get fucked -please buy our book "20,000 Rules for Interacting with Corrupt and Sadistic Authority Figures" to read the rest of the answer.

How else are you going to use the rights your forefathers fought and died for to commit crimes?
But I mean, these are some sound pieces of advice.. I mean, holy shit do not keep illegal things in your fucking pockets What a shock. I suppose by now I've convinced you to waste 15 bucks on this shit. If not, here you go



What if the officer lies and the judge believes him because he wants to look tough on crime for his upcoming election and your public defender is an overworked hack. The whole concept of elected judges is one of the worst things about America. Congratulations on the bulk of your judicial system is just as corrupt as fucking Eastern Europe. Matt Damon is right, America is like a really bad Disney movie with the Republicans playing the part of the dunce... except they have real power.

When I was driving through Texas once I saw a campaign sign for a judge who was promising all these Christian values and claiming to do whatever he can to make things more wholesome. I imagine that he'll throw the book at the average person

But hey, there you go. That's the law. The best way to just avoid dealing with the cops is to not do anything illegal. I know I'm pretty paranoid with the police in general, it's just that I've been profiled and hassled a bunch in my day and age because I was in the wrong neighborhood at the wrong time for whatever minor reason. I suppose that's being to specific. I mean, who does like to deal with the police?

It's 9/11, Did You Forget?

It's 9/11, Did You Forget?

Today is 9/11, I hope you didn't forget. It would be really awkward if you actually forgot. I know everyone keeps telling you to Nevar Forget, but sometimes stuff slips your mind, you know. Like that one time when I was at the market and I totally forgot the ice cream and only picked up the Old Rasputin beer. Only when I got home and realized I didn't get the ice cream that I realized I couldn't actually make those bitchin' beer floats that I really wanted. Fuck man. That sucked.

But seriously, you shouldn't forget this date. And really, I wonder how long it will take before people start to really be able to honestly say they forgot what day it is. Perhaps 15 years? I dunno. It's just really going to be so awkward when I'm old and can't remember much sitting in the retirement home, while the social worker is cleaning up my drool she ask me if I remember what day it is and I can't remember. I'm going to feel like such a jack ass.



Oh wait, what am I talking about, I'll be dead long before I go into a retirement home. Ha! Besides, there's not going to be any social security to cover the cost of me living. Everyone knows that Obama's death panels will kill me off. Anyhow, where was I, I forgot. Oh yeah, 9/11. Now I remember what happed on that date-

September 11, 1973 - A CIA backed coup in Chile headed by General Augusto Pinochet topples the democratically elected President Salvador Allende. Pinochet remains in power for almost 17 years. Oh wait.. not that 9/11? Hmm, let me think. Oh yeah. 9/11... It's the day Sorority Row gets released. This is going tobe worst 9/11 EVER!

Can't forget 9/11/85: Pete Rose breaks Ty Cobb's base hit record.



How dare I not take this as serious as Gleen Beck or Bill O'Reily suggest you take it. This literally is the greatest, most traumatizing tragedy face by people ever in history. Especially those people in the states hundreds or thousands of miles away from ground zero.

The holocaust, Darfur, Rewanda, Nanking, Trail of tears? All these and more are as insignificant as a peanut compared to how America lost its innocence on 9/11. Republic of Cong? Apartheid? What about those? NOTHING! Not a god damn thing next to NINE ELEVEN!



Shock and Awe: 6,000 casualties.
9/11: 3,000 casualties.
Winner: 9/11

I'm never forgetting so hard that every day is 9/11. Sign me up for the armed services, yo. Cause I wanna say "Let's roll" and be a true American. You didn't join the armed services the moment the towers fell? What the fuck kind of pussy are you? Don't worry, it's all good, homie. We can chill and roast 9/11 marshmallows some time.



I'm going to recognize 9/11 by leaving the TV on, so I can soak in all the various non-stop montages of footage of the towers falling and people crying and where-are-they-now interviews where MSNBC asks people whose family/friends died to try their very hardest to remember how they were feeling on the day because that kind of devotion to remembering that a terrorist attack happened is exactly why terrorist attack things in the first place.



I don't know about you, but it's barely 9am and I'm already tired of the news asking us the same question year after year. "WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED ON THIS HISTORIC DAY, ONLY 8 YEARS AFTER TERRORISTS FLEW PLANES INTO THE WORLD TRADE CENTER, IN THIS POST 9/11 WORLD!!"

Seriously, the question is old and boring. What did I learn? America is a pretty fucked up country and we'll gladly piss on another nation with the defense that "The End Justifies The Means". And I guarantee you that by mid-day, conservatives will be up in arms that Obama isn't being reverent enough. Even if he spends the entirety of the 24 hours in silent prayer contemplating the lives lost, they'll claim that since he was praying to Allah it didn't count.



Is it not weird that people remember the exact date of the WTC attacks but not any other historical event? It's only been 8 years, but can we just get this to be a national holiday already? Yeah, it's a little bit too close to Labor day, but this way we could just have back to back three day weekends. I mean, it's only fitting to have the end of summer be at the same time that we had the end of our freedom.

Oh no! That is horribly insensitive of me, isn't it? What about the families of the people who died, huh? HUH!? I must say that I feel terribly sorry for anyone who lost anyone they cared about on 9/11. I wont lie about that. It was really a tragic day in the history of our nation. There's no mistaking that. I'll be honest with you, I mock the way we handle 9/11 as a reaction to how the far right used the tragedy of the day to push their agenda.



If you're disgusted by the pictures I post in this blog and aren't disgusted by the way that the Bush administration used the "loss of our Innocence" as a nation to send us to war with a country that didn't have anything to do with the terror attack, then well, I can't help you. If you can say you're ok with the rights an excess of power that we gave up, all in the name of safety, but are angered by the use of a silly photoshop image here? Well then what the hell is wrong with you?

Are we better off today than we were before 9/11? That's the question asked by the media all the time. What is life like in this Post-9/11 world? Well, we're losing soldiers in a war that was not needed. So far here's the count.

9/11 casualties: 2,974
Iraq War causalities: 1,339,711

Seems like a lot of energy and life wasted on a place that didn't send men to our country, get them enrolled in our flght schools and then carried out acts of terrorism... and did it successfully. Wouldn't the best way to deal with the act of terrorism to not let tme be successful be not letting their acts be disruptive to your daily life?



Not letting their actions change the laws allowing less freedom and more government control/hand in your business. Not tarnishing your ability to get on a plane. Hell, I was put on a terrorist watch list simply because my name is Javier. Way to not look at race, creed or sex in your equality cause. Yup. Had to go through the extra long security because my name sounded non-white.

All in the name of keeping us safe did we sacrifice just about everything that we were built on as a nation. And what was the first thing that our glorious leader at the time said that we should do after the attacks? Go shopping. Yes, because I want to go get a new Ikea sofa at a time like this. How about some duct tape.. You know, that magical security device that will keep me safe from a terror attack of the gas type. Might as well get under a desk during a nuclear war.



How about all the songs we couldn't hear after 9/11? It seems that the first American right that we saw go was the ability to hear music on the radio. Did you forget about that? Awwww, awwwkward. Here's a list of all the songs that were deemed inappropriate for air play on 9/12 and for a while after. HUGE ASS LIST CLICK HERE!

Again, the list is huge and just goes to show you how much of a pussy nation we are if some of these songs offend our sensibilities enough that we had to have clear channel ban them from being played.

Van Halen - Jump
Simon & Garfunkel - Bridge over troubled water
Santana - Evil Ways
R.E.M. - It's the end of the world as we know it
RHCP - Aeroplane, Under the bridge
Queen- Another one bites the dust
Queen- killer queen
ALL RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE SONGS. Pink Floyd - Mother. NIN - Head like a hole. Nena - 99 Luftballons.
Frank Sinatra - New York, New York

What.The.Fuck. How can you not allow New York, New York to be played? I know we were just attacked at the time, but to deny New Yorkers the ability to hear Frank Sinatra should be a war crime in itself. But the one that sticks out the most. The one that I can tell that the terrorist really won is that Clear Channel had this song remove from air play during those tough times

Louis Armstrong "What a Wonderful World"

You have got to kidding me about that. If there was a song that ever should be played during the tough times when people are still looking for missing loved ones, when our nation is looking around to see who exactly attacked us and find answers, it's that one.



I don't hate America. I didn't approve of the attacks. What I do hate is the way we handled this whole situation. The way that we just otherwise jumped to the conclusion that everything we are doing is actually the correct course of action. This stubborn idea just causes me to be confused on if there's any sort of logic or reason going on behind our actions.

Look at the news piece of this very morning

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The U.S. Coast Guard tried Friday to prevent a boat from entering a security zone on the Potomac River not far from the Pentagon, where President Obama was at an event commemorating the September 11 attacks.

There were reports on police scanners that the Coast Guard fired 10 rounds of ammunition, but those reports could not immediately be confirmed. It was not immediately clear from the reports whether they referred to warning shots.

It ended up being some sort of training exercise. Now tell me this, who the hell would schedule a training exercise with live fire on the morning of 9/11 near the area of a place that was attacked and would have a lot of media coverage? I know this whole blog post has been about not stopping the world because of 9/11, but still, you don't need to recreate the entire scenario picture for picture in order to get an idea on how to combat it.



Remember how much shit was caused when they flew that Obama plane pretty close to the skyline of New York for pictures? Ha. That caused a lot of uproar. Not the same uproar that the Moonanites caused Boston, but still, similar to that style of chaos.

If one did want to look at the glass half full, they could easily look at the fact that today is the best day of the year to go into a tall building or fly on an airplane. For the most part, any building is going to be pretty empty. They feel like lightning strikes in the same place twice for odd reasons. And let me tell you, airplane tickets are rock bottom cheap cheap cheap! So there's those silver linings to all this mass hysteria behind this day.



When it all comes down to it, that's the only reason why I try to find humor in this. Because if I didn't laugh, I don't think I could face how far we have fallen as a nation and as human beings. How much of a drastic turn we took in how we act towards others and our place in the world. Literally, our place as a super power really did change and I believe that we abused the hell out of that power crying fowl over being attacked and we spat venom at just about any and everyone that was in our way.

The worse part is I can't keep straight the fucking justification for going to war after 9/11. At first it was because we were attacked and assumed it was Saddam. I can still remember Rush Limbaugh jumping on the radio on 9/11 blaming Saddam Hussein. The whole reason why the Americans still buy into that bullshit about Iraq having anything to do with it, is because of the spin factor that was presented. The tons and tons of misinformation.



Its a good thing twitter didn't exist in 2001. I wouldn't want to see the updates involved with that. I would assume it would otherwise destroy the internet altogether. I'm also sure it would still not be making any money even if it was created eight years ago. I suppose the final point I will try to make will be made by someone else. Someone with more gravitas..

David Cross said the following:

I don't think Osama bin Laden sent those planes to attack us because he hated our freedom. I think he did it because of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi family and our military bases in Saudi Arabia. You know why I think that? Because that's what he fucking said! Are we a nation of 6-year-olds? Answer: yes.

God damn, that Analrapist made a lot of sense. I suppose I can't even say "Happy 9/11 day" because we all know that we must all act brooding and sad on this day of eternal sadness. So.. have a day to remember the attacks that put us here in this position eight years later. But don't linger on it too long as that's the point of terrorism, to disrupt your daily life.

Banning Zombies

Banning Zombies

Well, here's your monthly Zombie blog because I have a quota on at least writing about those damn undead at least once a month. On a message board I read often they actually had to ban any talk about potential zombie attacks.

Zombies. Goddamn zombies. Guess what... they're not real. The dead will not walk and we do not need three weekly threads discussing how much of a boner shooting a corpse would give you. Besides, everyone knows that the real threat comes from rogue unicorns.

Makes sense really. "Zombie" threads have been banned on some of the other gunboards because the mods and admins eventually realized that "zombie" = anyone who can't pass the paperbag test.

Speaking as a person who digs the whole zombie situations, I can honestly say that they're nothing more than a metaphor for the perception of high-density urban chaos and suburban white flight, it's only natural that a gun psychopath would latch on to them as a sanitized vehicle for their murder fantasies. All they are is just methods to shoot at a human looking target without the regret or repercussion of actually killing a "human being"

Seriously, Zombie apocalypse fiction is just survivalist shit for nerds. I'd like to put something on the Sci-fi channel. It would be a cross between that god awful Deadliest Warriors and Discovery Channel's Survivor man. It'll be a reliving of actual horror situations. Then again, Sci-fi turned into some game hybrid named Sy-fy or some shit. So that's not going to happen.

Till then I can just pull Political messages out of my ass for the Zombie situation. Because as we all know. Only our white cowboys can stay the barbarian hordes



Watch on as our brave security forces suppress lawless urban savages



We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children.



LOOK OUT, CRACKER



Remember at the end of Night of the Living dead when Ben got shot by the armed militia? Maybe the real zombies... are us? At least all of those of you who are racist fucks! I mean, come on. Look at this cover!



I love the Walking Dead as much as the next guy but that cover alone just screams out a race war going on!

Really, the zombie works on multiple levels for the antisocial, gun-toting losers. First you have the post-apocalyptic fantasy of social collapse and post-social fantasies hold special appeal to people who feel as though they either don't fit in or have been denied the particular stance in their social hierarchy.

By wiping the "slate" clean(slates are, of course, black) they are given a chance to reassert their social role via rugged individualism and a reaffirmation of the power of their masculinity, both of which are culturally intergrated with gun ownership and use, the zombies as a convient target. A backdrop against this re-illumination of the ideal of manhood, a shambling, incoherent "mass" entity with no individualsim and apparently high levels of cooperation. The communist urban masses that the antisocial individualist msut rise against in order to reestablish the natural order of things.

Then again, the horror and fantasy act as distancing mechanisms through which people can "safely" and vicariously act out a variety of social anxieties and conceits. The 50's spawned a lot of these with hilarious atomic horror movies because of their nuclear paranoia, and the development of the urban-rural sociogeographical divides helped push zombies onto the stage . The original dracula story was about the fear of the Slavic "other" and the defense of the purity of anglo women. Sure it's changed a lot over the years and now has been nutered with the use of vampires in Twilight. Still doesn't change the origins.

Zombies are those socially inept lashing out. DEAD SET was the most culturally insightful Zombie films as of late highlighting the zombie rush towards reality programing and what it says about us.

Then you have things like World War Z. Which is probably the most liberal take on the situation. The world comes together to cooperate against zombie threats, Colin Powell becomes President with Howard Dean as VP and Cuba becomes an island Paradise. Not even Romero's films can touch that sort of Zombie utopia off an apocalypse scenario.

Then again, all that shit is too deep for the moment, I'm suppose to be away from the computer. So I'll save all that deep shit for another blog. As if I need more blog fodder.

Then again, Maybe these fine folks should join me as I move to Boston. It seems that the Boston Police are willing to warn the public about a zombie uprising. At least they are on twitter. Which with the way that society is going is going to be the only means of communication come another five years.

Boston_Police: INJURED OFFICER: Officer from district 4 transported to Beth Israel Hospital, human bite to arm, suspect in custody.

willcady: @Boston_Police if that was a zombie bite, would you tell us?

Boston_Police: @willcady Yes, absolutely

Boston police. I tell you. I wonder how they tell the difference between drunk Red Sox fans and Zombies? It really does bring a new meaning to the Green Monster. Unless of course the zombie actually looks gray and gross. Then they could totally change the name.

But if you're like me, you don't trust the po-po. You should find your own means to protect yourself from zombies. How about a plant?



Besides being an addictive game, it's really a funny concept. I have some gardening gloves that promote this game now and I think I'll do some planting.

Badass Wednesday

Bad Ass Wednesday

While I don't condone the actions in this particular blog, I can't NOT say that it's a complete bad ass move. Oh yes, this isn't a regular segment. Wednesdays are already comic day and I ain't got time for this shit, yo! I got comics to read! Or at least attempt to spend time wit my lady, yo! In any case, I bring you.....

ACTION GRANDPA

If you think Hot dogs are the only thing to come out of Illinois but you'll be wrong. Some major bad asses have come out of there.








I like how he just has that butt in his mouth like "gonna get my smoke on while I'm kickin' ass"



The cigarette really make it look bad ass. He would look mostly like a crazy person if it wasn't for that



He even closed the car door like a fucking gentleman. why did he do it? Because he was bad ass.

Ok, well he also robbed a bunch of check cashing places and the cops didn't like that. Then again he was robbing the parasitic scum known as check cashing stores so he could be considered a hero. A modern day robin hood. Well, without the whole giving to the poor.

I recall talking to some random guy at a bar and he mentioned something about getting his paycheck. It totally blew my mind when I realized he was talking about an actual physical thing and not just figuratively. What sort of job in the US will not do direct-deposit? I guess the nicer or more white-collar the job, the more likely it is they'll have direct deposit. And using a check to pay for something seems to me to be the least convenient way possible. Is there a reason you're still using these things?

So he knocked over a check cashing place. Those places are a shit hole that more than likely deserved it. This is a bad guy for the new generation. This is the sort of bad ass shit you'd expect from the bad guys in this bad economic situation. This action wasn't in some shitty bordering state, Indiana or Missouri wishes they had bad guys like this.

RIP Robert Sylvester

Make It To 2009 - New Years Eve Advice

Make It To 2009 - New Years Eve Advice

It's New Years. You're going to go out and you're more than likely going to get some alcohol in you. Be smart with it, will you? Just because you made it through 2008 doesn't mean you'll survive long into 2009 if you don't think a little.

As much as they do ads warn you for responsible driving, the reality is that you have a 1 in 200,000 chance of getting a DUI tonight. I'm really terrible with numbers and math, but even I could see that the chances of getting caught are unlikely unless you're tossing empties out the window. So don't do it because it's the law. Do it because you want to not get yourself killed.

Not more than 40 years ago was the whole drunk driving thing not even an issue. If you were caught or had an accident while under the influence, the officer would more than likely give you some coffee and sober you up a little before letting you go on your way. Since then the laws have drastically changed.

We really should be questioning not the DUI law itself, but the way that law enforcement has lobbied for and used “secondary” laws, or misinterpretations of laws, to effectively destroy the presumption of innocence for anyone who “just might” have drunk something and driven before the cop got there. Examples of this range from the open container law, to the practice of arresting someone sleeping it off in his car, or pushing a car home with the engine off instead of driving it, or even arresting people for public intoxication just for being over .08 in case they “just might” plan to drive later.

I've slept it off in the car before. It's far easier to wake up and go with only a hangover in the morning than to have to have that pain in my head be a street pole. Under tighter laws an officer could see you in the car itself and loosely apply that intent on driving under the influence and take you in to be processed.

So what are some ways to not start off the new year with a DUI on your record?

Don't Get Shit Faced - Simple one there. Drink till you're buzzed and then allow yourself plenty of downtime with water (Who cares if they call you a pussy, say it's vodka) and getting food in your system. If you still can't safely drive, then DON'T!

CALL AAA for a free ride home for you and your car
Every year AAA does this. You don't even have to be a member. Just call 1-800-400-4AAA for a free tow home of up to seven miles. Callers simply tell the Auto Club operators, "I need a Tipsy Tow," to receive the free tow and ride home.

CALL YELLOW CAB
Yellow Cab will be distributing free ride coupons to bartenders at clubs and bars in Los Angeles area. They'll call the cab for you and give you the free ride voucher. The program runs from noon to midnight New Year's Day. Just look for places that carry Anheuser-Busch products.

ROAD ANGELS TO THE RESCUE
Road Angels, a Hollywood-based volunteer service run by Solution Transportation Service Inc., offers not only to drive party goers home but to get their car home, too. This is specific for Hollywood area, but still.. Keep this in mind.

So there's some ways to make it to 2009. Just think about all the ads you've been hearing for the digital conversion for your Television. Do you want to not be alive when we change from analog to digital? I mean, I've been hearing this shit since about 1999 at CES. Now that I think about how long I've been hearing about going all digital I'm sort of wanting to kill myself.... To the road!

Stay safe people. Don't drink and drive. Let someone else carry your ass back home! Have it be in a tow truck for free or in a yellow taxi! HAPPY NEW YEAR!