Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Holiday Toy Guide

The Holiday Toy Guide

I have to admit, I'm a kid at heart. At the ripe old age of 30 I still some times walk down the toy isle at the local target or walmart and look at what all the super hero and favorite movie toy tie ins they are out there. Do I buy them? No, not at all. I already wasted so much money on that shit for years and I really have no use for that sort of stuff anymore. But that does make me a pretty good judge of what the hot holiday toys will be.

So perhaps you could use this as a method of buying shit at stores before it sells out and then flipping it online through ebay like the true piece of shit scum that you are. In any case, here's what your little rugrat brats will want from Santa this Christmas.

First off we have what may be the hit toy of the season.. Sing-a-ma jigs.

Yes, I think that this will cause the most significant deaths at Wal*Mart this year and it's really very tragic when you think about it.. Because, look at those things. They're Jim Henson's Lamprey babies waiting to swallow your soul!

What the ever living fuck? I couldn't listen to that for more than 10 seconds before wanting to either kill myself or shoot the computer and then killing myself. How can any parent willingly buy this for their child without wanting to smash it into a million pieces within a half an hour of opening it?

I mean, at least Tickle Me Elmo was somewhat cute and cuddly and didn't look like it was about to latch on to my eyeball and suck out the juice for sustenance. Let's not forget about what else Elmo did in his role giving us one of my favorite moments of SNL this season

But these Sing-a-ma-jigs are just scary looking in that they have teeth when they open their soul sucking mouths. The best Youtube comment has to go to the one in the toys r us video.
I put my dick into one's mouth and had to go to the ER and now my dick is crooked, scarred, and I am unable to maintain an erection. these toys are very poorly labeled and should come with a warning. Parents beware!
On Something Awful they made the most amazing alternative sound board for these freaky dolls. CLICK HERE for a good laugh... or fear.. or something.

Moving on to less demonic toys... well, this one isn't much less demonic. I speak to you about the magic balls of the Fushigi Balls.

Essentially they're just mirrored balls inside plastic or some sort of shit and for some reason they're hard to get a hold of and kids are crazy about them. Mainly because they think they could do some sick stunts to impress the panties off their Jr. High girlfriends. Who could blame them, the commercials make whoever welds them look like some wicked sick wizard.

So I guess that's the selling point there. It's some magical visual effect and about $20 bucks, so it wont hit the parents wallet hard. Though you could probably do all those things with any old ball. It's just something you need to practice a lot with, which given the average attention span of your child, may not actually be a great idea in hindsight.

But the demonic aspect comes into place because it reminds me of Bowie as the Goblin King. That or another less than kid friendly film..

But perhaps that's not a bad thing. Maybe we should play up that evil angle. Hell, Christmas is the celebration of the birth of what will eventually be the first zombie in recorded history. So it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that I realize which toy we would all gladly get trampled in the attempt to attain.

I speak of course of a remote control zombie that comes with a brain-shaped remote control.

How wicked awesome is that? Though I don't think a robotic item would want brains or anything like that. So it sort of breaks the fourth wall in that aspect and loses some of the street cred. Perhaps if it was an actual zombie you could control. Though that never goes as well as you would think and you just end up in a Frankenstein Monster situation of dying by your own stupidity.

At least this one you can just remove the battery and the zombie is dead.

But perhaps your kids aren't into all that evil shit. Maybe you should just stick to the basics. So maybe you should just go for the classics that are worth trampling the necks of your neighbors for.. I speak of course of Mr. Bucket.

How many hours of fun is that? I mean, just think of it. You pick up the balls and put it in its head. uh-oh, better watch out as he's not only blocking you from putting them in there, but he's also spitting them out.

Yes, that's right. He spits out balls. Though he does need to warn you of his history... It's a bit shaded.

Hmm, on second thought, maybe you don't want that toy near your kids. That's all I have in terms of ideas for this holiday season. Maybe you should just stick with booze. I think Booze is probably the best gift. It makes the holiday go over so well.

In any even, whatever you do, just don't end up buying this shit.

That will haunt my dreams and live blissfully in my nightmares.

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