Things I Don't Want For Christmas: Freedom Tray

Things I Don't Want For Christmas: Freedom Tray

If you are in the mood to get me anything for Christmas, and chances are you don't, then don't let it be this Freedom Tray (wink wink);


THESE STEEL ENFORCED RUBBER COATED ADJUSTABLE LEGS DON'T RUN! Do you hear that? These mofos are the defining meaning of being American!

I'll be god damned if I buy MY Freedom Tray from some broad with a vague European accent. The best parts of those informercials are always where they show the hardships people had to endure before their products existed.

Why I think the whole concept of the freedom tray is lazy and beyond stupid, I have to take one thing away from all this, why the hell do they call Soda "Pop"? If you call it pop, get the fuck out of my country. I mean, look at this map on the coverage of what regions call whatever what and all that stuff. As you can see, the maps wrong. I've been in a lot of the Florida counties and I have never heard someone use "coke" to refer to any soft drink. It's always used as "Coke" in the red can/polar bear image.



Saying Soda may be elitist, but it is what it fucking is. You don't ask for a Hamburger by saying "Can I get a Big Mac" at every place that sells a Hamburger. We can rest easy knowing that Easter Wisconsin holds strong against the dark tide of "Pop"! Adults call it soda, chldren call it pop, idiots call it coke. It's just that simple. Most of all, morons call things freedom fries and try to sell you or purchase freedom trays.

We live in a nation where 3rd world problems don't matter to us. We are only concern with the first world hardships, much like the following.. Leaf bear claws. Who the fuck needs them to pick up dead leafs on the ground? It's got to be the dumbest thing to possibly invent and/or purchase. If you can't find it in you to pick up some leaves, then perhaps you should just hire that illegal worker for the day.



So by no means, please do not buy me a Freedom Tray.

30 Dates Of Nights: 2

30 Dates Of Nights: 2

The L.A. Times released this article about eight dates under $25 in Los Angeles. While I was a bit surprised that I had already done a couple from that list without knowing it was such a normal date thing to do, I wasn't happy that they would only offer up eight ideas. So I went ahead and I challenged myself to come up with my own amount of cheap but entertaining dates to go on.

Some of these were ones I planned, others are ones I did with a bit of a hindsight twist after doing them and then there's those that are just plain out there ideas. Since it's been two days since the first was posted, I figured that this wont be a daily thing. Much like showing up on time, I'm sure I'll fail if I stated that. But I'll try to do this daily.


Soda Pop And BBQ That Hits The Spot.

It's very simple. You don't have to get her drunk on every trip out. Sure it helps make you sound far more interesting than you really are, but what happens when the hangover is over? Stick with some Pop/Cola/Coke/Soda.. whatever you call it, it's something that takes you back to when you were a kid. Not to mention that it's rather tasty. Perhaps it'll be a way to keep the romance from fizzling. I stopped drinking soda in general. I personally make it a treat when I do get it. Something special. You may guzzle it down like no ones business but even this place will make that carbonated drink special.

Start the date off by making your way to Galco's Soda Pop Shop in the Highland Park/Eagle Rock. This is one of California's Gold and a walk through their produce section that is nothing but seldom seen, but delicious candies and you'll know you and your date will be feeling like kids again.

The store offers nothing but the good stuff. Soda, Candy and Beer (in case you just give up on sobrity) with a deli counter for sandwiches and a feeling once you walk in like you're in a 50's grocers. Again, this place offers the best selection of soda possible. If there's a drink you haven't been able to find or if you're daring to try something new and tasty, this is the place for you. You can also find out what your date's taste is like from what they choose.



The gems here are the original flavor Dr. Pepper and Coke made with pure cane sugar. Most of the sodas here are made with pure cane sugar and you can taste the difference. Forget that corn syrup stuff, that really just makes a soda taste boring. Other strange flavors include ones of different flowers, cucumbers and if you never tasted sarsaparilla, do so. You'll know what grandpa is ranting about. Cause they sure don't make a good one anywhere in the city.

The idea here is to get yourself and your date a total of six or seven sodas to split. Be a little daring while also sticking to stuff you'll like. Prices range between a buck to two for each bottle and you can buy singles or a six pack at a time. There's cold versions of most of the more popular sodas. Shouldn't cost you more than $10. Get your soda and after walking through the shop commenting on the different sodas head on out.

After you've blown however much you were going to blow on sugar water, make your way over the little hump of a hill and onto Colorado Blvd. where you will find The Oinkster



There the two of you can share a pulled pork sandwich and some fries. I don't mean just any pulled pork sandwich. This is one really really tasty pulled pork sandwich. The place has outdoor seating and a real hip/cool factor to it. If you're not into swine they have other BBQ related items. Some pastrami or a burger and you're good to go.

Combine that with the sodas you just bought and that should hold your stomachs well enough for the time being. Don't drink all those sodas just yet, make some room for the amazing Ube Milkshake. But watch out, your date will more than likely NOT want to share much of it with you. If that happens, don't worry. It doesn't mean that they don't like you, it's just that it's really really REALLY good.

There you have it. You should have something interesting to talk about from the two locations there and plenty of enjoyment for your bellies to make that date something to remember.

Cost:
Oinkster - $10-15
Galco's - $10
Price range = $20-25

Previously on 30 Dates Of Nights:
1. Bonfire At The Beach

My Energy Drinks Think I'm A Pussy

My Energy Drinks Think I'm A Pussy

Forget about the amount of Caffeine, your energy drink doesn't mean shit if it isn't insulting your manhood and questioning your ability to be a complete bad ass man's man unless you drink nectar from the roots of human balls.. and in which case.. that sounds a little gay if you ask me. First off is an contradiction, MOTHER energy drink

If you need a MOTHER of an enery hit.
you need MOTHER. It delivers twice the kick,
in a big black can.
So now when a mate turns up with a wussy-sized
can, you can raise your MOTHER up and
proudly say 'did yours come with a man-bag?".

WARNING! HIGH CAFFINE CONTENT...OK, WE KNOW THAT'S
WHY YOU'RE DRINKING IT BUT OUR LAME LEGAL GUYS MADE US
WARN YOU NOT TO FEED THIS TO KIDS, UP THE DUFF WOMEN OR
THE WEAK, WHO JUST CAN'T TOLERATE IT.

Jesus Christ, I just wanted to stay awake. I get the idea that the whole ExXxTREME marketing but can they sell this in any other way besides screaming ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH FOR DIABETES? I don't get the big black can line. Is that some sexual metaphor that I'm suppose to get hinted at? The ad campaign as a whole sounds extremely gay. They should change it to something that describes how only this drink can give you the same feeling inside as that of a mothers love. Nothing is more manly than loving your mother.

Without the stupid marketing it's just a can of sugar water. That's where the problem falls. The marketing on drinks like this is simply awful. It seems that they make it so extreme that it passes the point of edgy and gets to levels of absurdity. To be honest, this theme seems to run true with all energy drinks on the market.


Got some Gay fuel in my man bag

This one goes towards the opposite direction. Perhaps it's one of those hipsters who does everything "ironically" so drinking something called Gay Fuel just fits their alternative lifestyle. Having trying it, it taste as gay as you'd think it would. It's dyed pink, made with elderberry, and enhances "sexual performance." so yes, it's really gay.

Remember, I'm trying these things for science. Nothing more. Though with my heart beating at hypersonic speed, it shows I'm committed to my work on this blog.. even if it's only for another 20 minutes before my heart explodes.


DELIGHTFULLY UNREFINED ENERGY (made with refined sugar (only drink this if you like boobs))

Does HOOTERS need an energy drink? I mean, seriously? They just slapped tits on a can and hope you swallow it down. I would understand it more if you were getting it served to you by a hooters girl while paying way too much for wings and watching whatever shitty sports team lose on the boob tube, but why take Hooters home with you or look to it for five hours of energy.

I had a Von Dutch energy drink can and it has a bunch of spiel about being "creative" and "unique" and "original" by consuming von dutch products. From what it tastes like i think it's made from the chemicals they use to cure the leather.


Nothing says socialism like your face on a fucking brand label energy drink..

Hey kids, wanna do some speed but are too afraid to ask a black guy to sell you some coke?

Cocaine is a highly caffeinated energy drink distributed by Redux Beverages. It contains three and a half times the caffeine of a more popular energy drink, Red Bull, symbolized by three and a half steer heads on the label. Aside from caffeine the label boasts 750 milligrams of taurine, another common ingredient found in many energy drinks.

The cocaine energy drink burned more than actual cocaine. Then again, I don't think you were suppose to snort it. It was taken off the market because of the obvious drug relationship. I talked to a former meth addict friend of mine. He had really no comment on the matter other than telling me that after bumping meth for a week at a time for a year, energy drinks were like trying to recapture the excitement of dancing on the surface of the sun by standing on a heating pad under a 60 watt bulb. So kids, why bother with these pussy drinks.

If your gonna get something to keep you sharp and alert, may as well get some proper crank. Seriously, if you're that in need of a quick energy boost you might as well just go ahead and develop a coke habit. On the other hand, if you can afford it go down to your local psychiatrist and tell them that you have trouble concentrating and get yourself an adderall prescription. stuff's nasty and you should use only when absolutely necessary, but man it comes through in a pinch.


I somehow doubt you'd get energy from HEMP...

A couple of questions come to mind. First off, is there any god energy drinks? monster, Rockstar and Redbull all taste like shit. 5 hour energy is tiny and you aren't supposed to taste it. Adding redbull with vodka makes you feel like you're about to die, if you haven't already. Why bother getting energy from something that taste like ass? Don't ask and no description needed for this link. Just click here to see everything wrong with energy drinks.


Jesus christ, now I know how old people feel about the world when they see interracial dudes kissing

Like you people need more sugar in your diets. Drink some coffee/tea if you need caffeine. America's love affair with coffee and disdain for tea sucks hard. I suppose it all goes back to when we tossed a shit ton of it into a river. America gained independence over tea and yet we look at it as if it was leafy dirty water.

The idea that Americans don't like tea isn't completely correct. As long as you package enough sugar in that shit and can it with an Arizona logo, then they'll love it. But tea is civilized. When I drink tea, I like to think of myself as Winston Churchill, sitting on the lawn at Blenheim, enjoying some Earl Grey and a morphine lozenge.


Purple rain refers to the color of your piss after drinking.

I seldom drink Soda these days. When I was in my early 20's I would polish down 2 liters of Pepsi a day and that was at a minimum. Then after my third heart attack I cut back. Not only did I lose weight by not drinking soda daily, but I gained some respect for the drink. I sit here and enjoy my Sarsaparilla. It's a special treat. I'm sure I could be happy drinking this everyday, but then it wouldn't be a nice treat every once in a while. But don't you dare call it pop!

Calling Soda "Pop" is strange and very much confusing to me. Perhaps I'm simply not from Chicago and don't understand the fear against calling soda soda. Maybe we shouldn't take the word of anything that come from a place that if it isn't the most corrupt state in USA it is certainly one hell of a competitor Then again, perhaps I don't want to get into a war on what to call carbonated sugar tonics.

Either way I don't drink much caffeine; I don't need it. Every morning I fire out of bed, full of vigor, tackling my amazingly successful life is its own reward. My zest for life is boundless. Certainly not any sort of drink that questions my manliness.