Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I Hate America, But Love Ice Cream

I Hate America, But Love Ice Cream

I've been told many times that I hate America. Not true. I don't hate America nor do I hate Americans. I am one. I certainly don't hate myself. What I do hate is morons and if there's something that isn't in short supply, it's morons. You know the type, holding on to their "Support Are Troop" signs or claiming you're more patriotic simply because you call French Fries something silly like Freedom Fries

Which brings me to this little discovery of fun patriotic take on your dessert.

I think I remember these guys. They're the conservative alternative to Ben & Jerry's who think the only difference between B&J and store-brand crap is the milk fat content. So they take otherwise regular ice cream flavors and give them stupid patriotic names and call it a day. One of the many problems with this is that their names aren't creative or witty. They're down right stupid.

Clicking on those pictures to make them larger would show you what they have down the pipeline in terms of flavors. "John Kerry Ketchup Dough"? Really? That thing just sounds nasty and I'm a ketchup lover. "G.I. Love Chocolate" sounds like code for gay sex.

At one point they had a Bill Clinton In-PEACH. Ha! Get it?! It's clear that they really can't make silly puns out of the rights catch phrases all that well. Considering I'm terrible in that way, in that I make a lot of stupid puns, I think I could help them out. Here's a couple of different names they could use.

Choc & Awe

rocky road to recovery

dessert storm

arguing against an obvious strawmanberry

chocolatlas shrugged

affirmative action neapolitan

fuck you, got mint

elitist macademia nut

the 2nd almond-mint

date rights sundae

abu grape in a neocone

See, Star Spangled Iced Cream. With a little effort and embracing the god awful phrases that your political view point sides with, you too can make actually witty names. Not that it matters. I'm sure you don't give a shit about the quality of your Iced Cream and considering that 10% of your profits go to organizations that support the Armed Forces, it's pretty clear that I'm not going to be buying any of your shit. I guess I really don't want to support ARE troops.

Star Spangled Iced Cream Company - Contributing to national decline through diabetes.

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