Which Graduation Card To Get? Play The Race Card Hallmark Style

Which Graduation Card To Get? Play The Race Card Hallmark Style

Well it is the season for graduations. That means that there's a lot of gifts to be given and since Father's Day is coming up, you can lump together two worthless celebrations. But the real question remains.. what card are you going to get that special person for this most awesome day of entering the work force and leaving school behind?

Wait a minute... what's this? A racist card?!?! I'm not sure when society got to be this stupid or this petty, but it seems that those who have nothing else to complain about have finally squeezed off something else to be all bitchy about... Graduation cards.



I'm not sure what to say here. People are hungry to be racially offended just like the good ol' days that they'll jump through any logic hoop they can so it would give them a reason to cry out and gnash their teeth. Who is writing these fucking greeting cards these days? Black people don't understand astronomy, news at 11!

Why yes, let's have a press conference about a greeting card that may or may not be racist. Now that African Americans have overcome the oppression of Hallmark cards there is nothing stopping America from realizing MLK's dream, right? Meanwhile all kinds of flgrantly racist shit gets not a single drop of attention. Thank you local News outlets.



I can say this since I worked at a local TV News outlet, they suck. They suck terribly. The amount of fluff pieces put into a daily broadcast compared to actual hard news... well, let's just say that I have more serious content in my worthless blog than they do. This whole thing is stupid and it's a reason why I hate local TV News.

In that story there is about 0.00% racism in that card. They're trying to play the race card and it's so sad... ha, get it? Race card. I wonder if Hallmark will cash in and make one of those? On that note, Hallmark cards are so terrible. You can search for hours and you'll never find one that is even remotely funny. So while it may not be racist, I fully support that this, as well as every other Hallmark card, be removed on the basis that it is stupid.

This isn't the first time this incidence has happened


I mean, face the facts. A normal greeting card is boring enough, and at least with those you can pretend to be happy about receiving it for a few seconds and then put it away after faking that you read it. This has a goddamn speech you have to sit through. I'm willing to bet that the person who brought that card into the office where it was first reported as racist was the only person who has ever bought that card.

This whole story reminds me of Col. Kurtz from Apocalypse now, "They can drop napalm on villages but can't write fuck on their airplanes" corporations can rape the earth and enslave human beings and exploit the laws and never back down or admit fault on these issues but if something is vaguely culturally offensive, they can't retreat fast enough and profusely apologize and pull the the product.

It's pretty clear that this card is an astronomy joke because they talked about planets. Doesn't this make the NAACP look dumb about the sky above them? Then again, the NAACP representatives in the video looked as old and out of touch as hell, is there a possibly more unflattering shot than at minute 1:48 of the first video?

How is it that a black person who lives in the same town as the L.A. Police have nothing more racist to worry about than a misheard hallmark card? Some one tell me the answer to that shit because I'm all out of ideas and guessing just makes my head hurt at this point. I just hope that no one ever lets them see this next ad;



If you're like me, you should also not see the problem with this is. Everyone agrees that the world would be a better place without niggles. All those annoying niggles everywhere. MY NIGGLES some ten megabyte broadband niggles. Y'all NIGGLES be some 56 Kilobaud niggles.

Get it.. It's cause it sounds a lot like NIGGERS!

Say whaaat? Yeah. I'm sorry, I just turned offensive all up in here. That's a first. I mean, this blog was suppose to be kid friendly.. Speaking of which, remember that one time in Who Framed Roger Rabbit when Donald Duck called Daffy Duck a nigger? Yeah, me too!



And to think, all of this shit hit the fan because someone couldn't tell the difference between an L and an R. It's like they're Japanese or something. I couldn't embed this clip, but it's well worth clicking to laugh at some Political Correctness.

Maybe all you should do what I do. When you are out finding a card for a holiday just find one that sets up a really dumb joke on the cover and on the inside you replace the expected lame punchline with something vulgar or obscene. One time I got my sister a card where the outside it said something like "Some people think the holidays are dumb and stuff" and the inside was "Those people get fruitcake can fuck themselves."

If I can find a good pop-up card, next year the bitch is getting Goatse as a surprise.

Oh yeah... ISLAM IS THE LIGHT.

April 26th 1992

April 26th 1992

First off, Sublime sucks. It was NOT April 26th like the song suggest but rather April 29th. But then again, we were young and didn't know any better. Yes, they said it was for the black man. They said it was for the Mexican and not for the white man. But if you look at the streets, it wasn't about Rodney King, it's this fucked-up situation and these fucked-up police.

Today is the day we remember that L.A. was on fire 18 years ago. If it was a person, it could buy itself some cigs so that it could do something with the flames that it was causing. I think we've advanced so much in under two decades. Rodney King would have been tased to death in today's climate of police brutality. I mean, really. If you're going to acquit cops of beating the shit out of a guy when that's clearly what they did, don't do it with an all-white jury. That's just silly talk.



It was a day that old white California gun owners old enough to have been there didn't mind it, since it meant they got to drive around with guns sticking out of their car windows without anyone having a care in the world. It was the most pertinent examples gun nuts could use to justify gun ownership. The police department had written off entire areas of the city and weren't responding to calls, so if you weren't armed, good fucking luck.

That Sublime song is fucking stupid and has not a goddamn thing on the Dr. Dre song about the riots. But hey, it's not "alternative" and is just considered crude because it's rap. W-h-a-t-e-v-e-r, yo. This track is the shiz-net!



The day the riot started was surreal. It was still contained to Florence and Normandie at that point, but everyone knew that since the police weren't moving in they were just going to let the city burn. The supermarkets were packed with people buying food and water. Two days later all the stores had been looted and most burned down.



And for all of you who believe that they were morons for burning their own shit and destroying their own neighborhoods. As if they should have thought for a minute and driven the 10 miles to Beverly Hills and wrecked that instead of destroying South Central, don't think that didn't cross their minds. How exactly do you get an angry mob to drive 5 miles north? Well, I would imagine something along these lines.

"Hey guys, we're angry and we wont to wreck shit, but let's destroy the property of some rich people that is literally 5 minutes away instead of engaging in mass cannibalism"

"Oh.. Okay!"

I just have to ask what the hell is wrong with you. They would have loved to burn whitey's house down but the police kept the blacks pinned in their own areas. The on and off ramps for the 110 free way were specifically closed to keep the worst of the rioting confined to South Central. I had friends who lived in Long Beach at the time, just near where the nice area and the bad area bordered and he tells me that the police setup shop just a few blocks east of him so that all the stuff on the east side was spared but all the stuff on his street and to the west and north got looted.



The L.A. riots had to be about one of the worst possible things that couldn't have happened. People like to pretend like it somehow "woke LA up" and all that but literally all it did was feed into already pretty strong stereotypes about all races and give everybody an excuse to keep hating each other for a few more decades. The generation of white people that was alive and aware during the riots are now permanently disabled in terms of their ability to support any serious positive social change.

The riots are also pretty much the most important consideration when you're looking at the social implications of the OJ Simpson trial as well. White people pretty much saw the moral of the LA Riots being "Black people want you dead" and then the OJ trail being "they're going to get away with it too!" People felt like it was literally Civil War 2 happening in front of them.



At the time I was twelve years old and probably playing with legos or something. And it's only fitting that just a few days ago Daryl Gates had a long funeral march through Los Angeles. Though it was a pretty crazy 6 days to live through and I can remember most of it. That was some crazy shit indeed.



So perhaps you could take a moment to remember when Los Angeles was burning and perhaps some lessons should be learned from all this racial tension, especially over in Arizona. I mean, it's not like you really want that on your hands and you sure as hell don't have enough room in tent city for all the Mexican looking people, right Sheriff Joe?

I'll take you out with some Ice Cube;

What Are You Doing For MLK Day?

What Are You Doing For MLK Day?

MLK day is this coming Monday and that means that only two week after we had a pretty long New Years break, we're getting another three day weekend. I have to wonder about how much we're actually getting done in the first few weeks of 2010. Doesn't seem that it's very productive.

But never the less, MLK is one of those holidays that is important. So important that even though it was Martin Luther King's birthday on Friday, we're making sure we get Monday off to make it a three day weekend. Which doesn't make sense because if we had Friday off, it would have still been a three day weekend. Let's be honest, if this wasn't part of a three day weekend, racist white bread America wouldn't care about the Holiday.



What it does mean is that we get a couple of days worth of MLK quotes in every media outlet. Much like this MLK quote I'm going to drop on you now;

You can’t talk about solving the economic problem of the Negro without talking about billions of dollars. You can’t talk about ending the slums without first saying profit must be taken out of slums. You’re really tampering and getting on dangerous ground because you are messing with folk then. You are messing with captains of industry… Now this means that we are treading in difficult water, because it really means that we are saying that something is wrong…with capitalism… There must be a better distribution of wealth and maybe America must move toward a Democratic Socialism.

Hmmm, so this whole idea that a powerful black man is all for socialism isn't a new thing after all. Who would have guessed that?

But hey, at least we're still celebrating it. Well, unless you're in Virgina, where it is offically called Lee-Jackson-King Day. That is until it was finally changed in the year of our lord two-fucking-thousand. Remember that there were almost riots in Richmond when they changed it. Man, that sure pissed off a lot of rednecks. If you ever want to out "redneck" someone, I suppose telling them that you're from an area that gave you the day off of school not for MLK Jr. Day, but rather because it's the first day of Deer Season.


hmmm.. yeah, not proper MLK day stuff..

One ex of mine grew up in that sort of thing. She would tell me of her young school days when the guys in her elementary school would take an extra day off or two to make sure that they came home with that fresh kill. Oh yes, starting the new year not celebrating a dream, but a buck shot. That was a very strange relationship filled with a lot of culture clash, that much was true.

Then again, there's some theory that it was either MLK or President's Day that only exist because the ski industry wanted a 3-day weekend in the winter to pump their profits up a bit more before the end of the season. I'm not a skier, so I wouldn't really know.



It does lead to a good question as to what you actually do on MLK day. Who is actually doing something interesting on Monday? Besides nurse the hangover from Sunday. Maybe I'll re-watch the wire. How about you? Please don't say that you're going to be drinking malt liquor, smoking menthols/Kools, eating fried chicken or watermelon and/or drinking orange soda and purple drank.

You could go down for a drive on MLK Blvd, cause I know unless you live in a really racist state, you need to have at least one of those in your city. I think that's the litmus test to see if you live in a non-gentrified city if you don't have a MLK Blvd. And as Chris Rock would say it best, those are the most dangerous places to be around. Such a tragedy.



But perhaps it's better that he died for the cause. I'm sure if he had lived, he'd probably have moved far to the right after seeing the 70's crime waves and the implosion of cities because of the great society.

Maybe I'll go old school this MLK day. You know, do something that Luther himself would do. Such as get investigated by the FBI, have communist sympathies, and get assassinated. Hmm, maybe I'll skip out on that last part. I have no cause that I really care enough about to die for in order to advance. I mean, I'm all for striking down Prop 8 and giving homosexuals the right to marry, but I'm not really to take one in the chest to get it done.

Hmmm, in retrospect I could have phrased that last statement better. Happy MLK day

That's Racist!

That's Racist!

Fried Chicken is one of those meals that.. well.. yeah, it's typically attached to some stereotype about black people. Oh man, how much they must love that chicken, right? It looks like Australia is going and one upping the stakes a little as they just came out with this ad for KFC down under....



First thought to cross my mind?



Hmmm. Maybe the two teams are well known rivals and the dude is in an awkward situation because he's at their game and his team is losing? I can't even tell what the fuck he is saying at first because the Australian accent, much like the Australian nation, is fucking trash. And can I just say this now - Vegemite is an affront to god. Marmite on the other hand.. rules.

So... what's the reaction to this? Well, let's turn to Youtube for a reaction;


I wonder if it was a black man holding up KFC to a white crowd if the liberal PC police would be making a fuss about it. I'm not entirely sure. Maybe if KFC had real fries, more white people would eat there often. I can't stand their fries. Let alone their chicken. Who even considers that chicken? Maybe I am racist because I really can't stand fried chicken. When I grew up I only ate Pioneer chicken and even then, I would generally only eat the skin. Chicken is one of those foods that I find entirely too boring in flavor.

It has nothing to do with racism, I just don't like fried chicken. You really have to sell me on Chicken in general though. Much like in Australia you have to sell them on the idea that they're being racist. Look at this classic take on the black face..



I'm not going to try to defend them. I mean, let's just face the facts. Australia doesn't have a long history of institutionalized racism like the US. So things like this doesn't really bother them. Besides, you can't really say much about them when you look at the Koreans and their take on fried chicken....



I mean, let's not blame them... Is it even possible to make a non-racist KFC commercial? It would go something along the lines of this:

(blank screen)

Computer generated voice: We sell chicken that is fried.

(25 seconds of silence)

Fried chicken sells itself, really. I suppose you can add in "We have fried chicken. It is delicious. If you like fried chicken then come here. If you don't like fried chicken, go somewhere else. There, that's all you really need.

If you think that's racist, You haven't seen sit. I mean. The Japanese take the whole "Black people look like Monkey's" thing to a new level with this ad;



It's a Japanese ad for EMOILE and it's an extremely racist commercial that depicts Obama as a monkey. Then again, I don't think anything can top this gem in terms of racism...



What the fuck was that even advertising for?

In short. All these ads can have one thing said about them...

Whoops! I'm Racist!

This, friends, is a historic time for accidentally insulting black people. Usually our black comrades must wait for the occasional slip of tongue from a B-list celebrity in order to be victims of accidental racism, but things are changing. Today is a brave new world in which there has been a flurry of unintentional racism in advertising.

Not one, not thirty, but seven high profile incidents occured involving the creation of racially offensive ads recently. Of course, no one really noticed outside of people who spend lots of time on YouTube and various internet forums, but, needless to say, these incidents have sent a charge through the black internet nerd community. I know this, because I talked to both of them, and they were totally PISSED.

• Incident 1:
  Intel, in order to send the message that their processors would allow your employees to work faster and run away really quickly if need be, came up with the concept of employees in an advertisement being represented by sprinters. Then they took some photographs and designed an ad and wrote the ad copy and approved the ad and sent the ad to some higher ups and got it approved and then sent it to a magazine which saw no problem with it and what came out of all of this was this gem:

  
  
  Which I guess is another important reminder that just because there are a lot of people and many of them have more money than you, that doesn't mean they aren't all complete idiots who can't see the most obvious things when it's repeatedly shoved in their face.

• Incident 2:
  

  Capcom released a new, longer, trailer for their game Resident Evil 5. Just like number 4 in the series, it features a big muscular guy with lots of guns fighting a horde of savage killers. Their problem was that they set the story in Africa and so created a 3 minute clip of a white guy shooting hordes of brainless black people wielding primitive weapons. In the context of the series, this is not racist at all. Outside of this context, it's a 3 minute clip of a white guy shooting hordes of brainless black people wielding primitive weapons.

  The black community's response was immediate. Some black chick's blog complained about it or something. No one else noticed or cared. I mean, it's Resident Evil, as long as you get to shoot zombies and find missing keys, who really cares, right?

• Incident 3:
  

  Kentucky Fried Chicken came out with their new ad campaign meant to emphasize the company's community values. To this end, the ad featured a large group of people from a black neighborhood all eating fried chicken together at long tables with the slogan, "Yeah, I guess you could say we all like to eat fried chicken."
  
  This, of course, caused a huge uproar for propagating the offensive stereotype that white people don't like to eat fried chicken. We do. Fried chicken's great.
  

• Incident 4:
  

  Off! Insect Repellent ran a baffling ad in Sunset magazine that consisted only of a large black men with a sign apparently stuck to his chest reading "I am a lesser being, not worthy of the same rights as you."
  
  Things were cleared up when the Off! Corporate office explained that the sign was being held up by a tiny mosquito sitting on the man, too tiny to be seen in the photo.
  

• Incident 5:
  

  Obama. Yeah, you can't have a racist moment these days without it including Presidential hopeful Berry Obama. A political ad featuring him was decried for stereotyping black men as charismatic contenders for world leadership. The NAACP commented in a strongly worded press statement: "We are deeply disappointed in...huh? Where are we? What are we saying again? I think we got confused..."'

  Fox News immediately registered disapproval of this statement which they could not characterize but were pretty sure they didn't like and are positive that it has given McCain the lead on the polls.
  

  

• Incident 6:
  

  I found a flier for a Ku Klux Klan BBQ that I was given when I lived in Florida which also included an ad for their annual membership drive, but no one complained because that one specific advertisement didn't say anything about race. Soon the KKK was reporting more black customers than Intel
  

  

• Incident 7:
  
  Called some random dude "My Nigga" and it wasn't even a black dude. It was some random guy who I bought a bacon wrapped hot dog off the street from. He took offense. I dunno why? He was Mexican. It wasn't like I told him to cut my grass and clean my car before dropping him off at home depot. I just don't take "the N word" so seriously. besides, by saying "the N word" you're just making the person hearing it say nigger in their mind. What kind of bullshit is that? You want to say the N word, then say it. Don't make me say it in my mind unless I want to say it. To correct this situation I had to give an African man a regular segment on this blog doing fashion... because clearly I have none. Stay tuned for his regular updates.