Which Graduation Card To Get? Play The Race Card Hallmark Style

Which Graduation Card To Get? Play The Race Card Hallmark Style

Well it is the season for graduations. That means that there's a lot of gifts to be given and since Father's Day is coming up, you can lump together two worthless celebrations. But the real question remains.. what card are you going to get that special person for this most awesome day of entering the work force and leaving school behind?

Wait a minute... what's this? A racist card?!?! I'm not sure when society got to be this stupid or this petty, but it seems that those who have nothing else to complain about have finally squeezed off something else to be all bitchy about... Graduation cards.



I'm not sure what to say here. People are hungry to be racially offended just like the good ol' days that they'll jump through any logic hoop they can so it would give them a reason to cry out and gnash their teeth. Who is writing these fucking greeting cards these days? Black people don't understand astronomy, news at 11!

Why yes, let's have a press conference about a greeting card that may or may not be racist. Now that African Americans have overcome the oppression of Hallmark cards there is nothing stopping America from realizing MLK's dream, right? Meanwhile all kinds of flgrantly racist shit gets not a single drop of attention. Thank you local News outlets.



I can say this since I worked at a local TV News outlet, they suck. They suck terribly. The amount of fluff pieces put into a daily broadcast compared to actual hard news... well, let's just say that I have more serious content in my worthless blog than they do. This whole thing is stupid and it's a reason why I hate local TV News.

In that story there is about 0.00% racism in that card. They're trying to play the race card and it's so sad... ha, get it? Race card. I wonder if Hallmark will cash in and make one of those? On that note, Hallmark cards are so terrible. You can search for hours and you'll never find one that is even remotely funny. So while it may not be racist, I fully support that this, as well as every other Hallmark card, be removed on the basis that it is stupid.

This isn't the first time this incidence has happened


I mean, face the facts. A normal greeting card is boring enough, and at least with those you can pretend to be happy about receiving it for a few seconds and then put it away after faking that you read it. This has a goddamn speech you have to sit through. I'm willing to bet that the person who brought that card into the office where it was first reported as racist was the only person who has ever bought that card.

This whole story reminds me of Col. Kurtz from Apocalypse now, "They can drop napalm on villages but can't write fuck on their airplanes" corporations can rape the earth and enslave human beings and exploit the laws and never back down or admit fault on these issues but if something is vaguely culturally offensive, they can't retreat fast enough and profusely apologize and pull the the product.

It's pretty clear that this card is an astronomy joke because they talked about planets. Doesn't this make the NAACP look dumb about the sky above them? Then again, the NAACP representatives in the video looked as old and out of touch as hell, is there a possibly more unflattering shot than at minute 1:48 of the first video?

How is it that a black person who lives in the same town as the L.A. Police have nothing more racist to worry about than a misheard hallmark card? Some one tell me the answer to that shit because I'm all out of ideas and guessing just makes my head hurt at this point. I just hope that no one ever lets them see this next ad;



If you're like me, you should also not see the problem with this is. Everyone agrees that the world would be a better place without niggles. All those annoying niggles everywhere. MY NIGGLES some ten megabyte broadband niggles. Y'all NIGGLES be some 56 Kilobaud niggles.

Get it.. It's cause it sounds a lot like NIGGERS!

Say whaaat? Yeah. I'm sorry, I just turned offensive all up in here. That's a first. I mean, this blog was suppose to be kid friendly.. Speaking of which, remember that one time in Who Framed Roger Rabbit when Donald Duck called Daffy Duck a nigger? Yeah, me too!



And to think, all of this shit hit the fan because someone couldn't tell the difference between an L and an R. It's like they're Japanese or something. I couldn't embed this clip, but it's well worth clicking to laugh at some Political Correctness.

Maybe all you should do what I do. When you are out finding a card for a holiday just find one that sets up a really dumb joke on the cover and on the inside you replace the expected lame punchline with something vulgar or obscene. One time I got my sister a card where the outside it said something like "Some people think the holidays are dumb and stuff" and the inside was "Those people get fruitcake can fuck themselves."

If I can find a good pop-up card, next year the bitch is getting Goatse as a surprise.

Oh yeah... ISLAM IS THE LIGHT.

April 26th 1992

April 26th 1992

First off, Sublime sucks. It was NOT April 26th like the song suggest but rather April 29th. But then again, we were young and didn't know any better. Yes, they said it was for the black man. They said it was for the Mexican and not for the white man. But if you look at the streets, it wasn't about Rodney King, it's this fucked-up situation and these fucked-up police.

Today is the day we remember that L.A. was on fire 18 years ago. If it was a person, it could buy itself some cigs so that it could do something with the flames that it was causing. I think we've advanced so much in under two decades. Rodney King would have been tased to death in today's climate of police brutality. I mean, really. If you're going to acquit cops of beating the shit out of a guy when that's clearly what they did, don't do it with an all-white jury. That's just silly talk.



It was a day that old white California gun owners old enough to have been there didn't mind it, since it meant they got to drive around with guns sticking out of their car windows without anyone having a care in the world. It was the most pertinent examples gun nuts could use to justify gun ownership. The police department had written off entire areas of the city and weren't responding to calls, so if you weren't armed, good fucking luck.

That Sublime song is fucking stupid and has not a goddamn thing on the Dr. Dre song about the riots. But hey, it's not "alternative" and is just considered crude because it's rap. W-h-a-t-e-v-e-r, yo. This track is the shiz-net!



The day the riot started was surreal. It was still contained to Florence and Normandie at that point, but everyone knew that since the police weren't moving in they were just going to let the city burn. The supermarkets were packed with people buying food and water. Two days later all the stores had been looted and most burned down.



And for all of you who believe that they were morons for burning their own shit and destroying their own neighborhoods. As if they should have thought for a minute and driven the 10 miles to Beverly Hills and wrecked that instead of destroying South Central, don't think that didn't cross their minds. How exactly do you get an angry mob to drive 5 miles north? Well, I would imagine something along these lines.

"Hey guys, we're angry and we wont to wreck shit, but let's destroy the property of some rich people that is literally 5 minutes away instead of engaging in mass cannibalism"

"Oh.. Okay!"

I just have to ask what the hell is wrong with you. They would have loved to burn whitey's house down but the police kept the blacks pinned in their own areas. The on and off ramps for the 110 free way were specifically closed to keep the worst of the rioting confined to South Central. I had friends who lived in Long Beach at the time, just near where the nice area and the bad area bordered and he tells me that the police setup shop just a few blocks east of him so that all the stuff on the east side was spared but all the stuff on his street and to the west and north got looted.



The L.A. riots had to be about one of the worst possible things that couldn't have happened. People like to pretend like it somehow "woke LA up" and all that but literally all it did was feed into already pretty strong stereotypes about all races and give everybody an excuse to keep hating each other for a few more decades. The generation of white people that was alive and aware during the riots are now permanently disabled in terms of their ability to support any serious positive social change.

The riots are also pretty much the most important consideration when you're looking at the social implications of the OJ Simpson trial as well. White people pretty much saw the moral of the LA Riots being "Black people want you dead" and then the OJ trail being "they're going to get away with it too!" People felt like it was literally Civil War 2 happening in front of them.



At the time I was twelve years old and probably playing with legos or something. And it's only fitting that just a few days ago Daryl Gates had a long funeral march through Los Angeles. Though it was a pretty crazy 6 days to live through and I can remember most of it. That was some crazy shit indeed.



So perhaps you could take a moment to remember when Los Angeles was burning and perhaps some lessons should be learned from all this racial tension, especially over in Arizona. I mean, it's not like you really want that on your hands and you sure as hell don't have enough room in tent city for all the Mexican looking people, right Sheriff Joe?

I'll take you out with some Ice Cube;

What Are You Doing For MLK Day?

What Are You Doing For MLK Day?

MLK day is this coming Monday and that means that only two week after we had a pretty long New Years break, we're getting another three day weekend. I have to wonder about how much we're actually getting done in the first few weeks of 2010. Doesn't seem that it's very productive.

But never the less, MLK is one of those holidays that is important. So important that even though it was Martin Luther King's birthday on Friday, we're making sure we get Monday off to make it a three day weekend. Which doesn't make sense because if we had Friday off, it would have still been a three day weekend. Let's be honest, if this wasn't part of a three day weekend, racist white bread America wouldn't care about the Holiday.



What it does mean is that we get a couple of days worth of MLK quotes in every media outlet. Much like this MLK quote I'm going to drop on you now;

You can’t talk about solving the economic problem of the Negro without talking about billions of dollars. You can’t talk about ending the slums without first saying profit must be taken out of slums. You’re really tampering and getting on dangerous ground because you are messing with folk then. You are messing with captains of industry… Now this means that we are treading in difficult water, because it really means that we are saying that something is wrong…with capitalism… There must be a better distribution of wealth and maybe America must move toward a Democratic Socialism.

Hmmm, so this whole idea that a powerful black man is all for socialism isn't a new thing after all. Who would have guessed that?

But hey, at least we're still celebrating it. Well, unless you're in Virgina, where it is offically called Lee-Jackson-King Day. That is until it was finally changed in the year of our lord two-fucking-thousand. Remember that there were almost riots in Richmond when they changed it. Man, that sure pissed off a lot of rednecks. If you ever want to out "redneck" someone, I suppose telling them that you're from an area that gave you the day off of school not for MLK Jr. Day, but rather because it's the first day of Deer Season.


hmmm.. yeah, not proper MLK day stuff..

One ex of mine grew up in that sort of thing. She would tell me of her young school days when the guys in her elementary school would take an extra day off or two to make sure that they came home with that fresh kill. Oh yes, starting the new year not celebrating a dream, but a buck shot. That was a very strange relationship filled with a lot of culture clash, that much was true.

Then again, there's some theory that it was either MLK or President's Day that only exist because the ski industry wanted a 3-day weekend in the winter to pump their profits up a bit more before the end of the season. I'm not a skier, so I wouldn't really know.



It does lead to a good question as to what you actually do on MLK day. Who is actually doing something interesting on Monday? Besides nurse the hangover from Sunday. Maybe I'll re-watch the wire. How about you? Please don't say that you're going to be drinking malt liquor, smoking menthols/Kools, eating fried chicken or watermelon and/or drinking orange soda and purple drank.

You could go down for a drive on MLK Blvd, cause I know unless you live in a really racist state, you need to have at least one of those in your city. I think that's the litmus test to see if you live in a non-gentrified city if you don't have a MLK Blvd. And as Chris Rock would say it best, those are the most dangerous places to be around. Such a tragedy.



But perhaps it's better that he died for the cause. I'm sure if he had lived, he'd probably have moved far to the right after seeing the 70's crime waves and the implosion of cities because of the great society.

Maybe I'll go old school this MLK day. You know, do something that Luther himself would do. Such as get investigated by the FBI, have communist sympathies, and get assassinated. Hmm, maybe I'll skip out on that last part. I have no cause that I really care enough about to die for in order to advance. I mean, I'm all for striking down Prop 8 and giving homosexuals the right to marry, but I'm not really to take one in the chest to get it done.

Hmmm, in retrospect I could have phrased that last statement better. Happy MLK day

That's Racist!

That's Racist!

Fried Chicken is one of those meals that.. well.. yeah, it's typically attached to some stereotype about black people. Oh man, how much they must love that chicken, right? It looks like Australia is going and one upping the stakes a little as they just came out with this ad for KFC down under....



First thought to cross my mind?



Hmmm. Maybe the two teams are well known rivals and the dude is in an awkward situation because he's at their game and his team is losing? I can't even tell what the fuck he is saying at first because the Australian accent, much like the Australian nation, is fucking trash. And can I just say this now - Vegemite is an affront to god. Marmite on the other hand.. rules.

So... what's the reaction to this? Well, let's turn to Youtube for a reaction;


I wonder if it was a black man holding up KFC to a white crowd if the liberal PC police would be making a fuss about it. I'm not entirely sure. Maybe if KFC had real fries, more white people would eat there often. I can't stand their fries. Let alone their chicken. Who even considers that chicken? Maybe I am racist because I really can't stand fried chicken. When I grew up I only ate Pioneer chicken and even then, I would generally only eat the skin. Chicken is one of those foods that I find entirely too boring in flavor.

It has nothing to do with racism, I just don't like fried chicken. You really have to sell me on Chicken in general though. Much like in Australia you have to sell them on the idea that they're being racist. Look at this classic take on the black face..



I'm not going to try to defend them. I mean, let's just face the facts. Australia doesn't have a long history of institutionalized racism like the US. So things like this doesn't really bother them. Besides, you can't really say much about them when you look at the Koreans and their take on fried chicken....



I mean, let's not blame them... Is it even possible to make a non-racist KFC commercial? It would go something along the lines of this:

(blank screen)

Computer generated voice: We sell chicken that is fried.

(25 seconds of silence)

Fried chicken sells itself, really. I suppose you can add in "We have fried chicken. It is delicious. If you like fried chicken then come here. If you don't like fried chicken, go somewhere else. There, that's all you really need.

If you think that's racist, You haven't seen sit. I mean. The Japanese take the whole "Black people look like Monkey's" thing to a new level with this ad;



It's a Japanese ad for EMOILE and it's an extremely racist commercial that depicts Obama as a monkey. Then again, I don't think anything can top this gem in terms of racism...



What the fuck was that even advertising for?

In short. All these ads can have one thing said about them...

Disney Goes Back To Basics

Disney Goes Back To Basics

Today in a theater near you, Disney returns to the stuff that made them famous.. 2D animation. While we've all enjoyed the 3D and CGI fest that they have been doing, it's nice to get back to the classic 2D fun that made Disney great. Yes, the Disney Princess magic is back!

The movie takes place in Louisiana. It is consistent with all the folklore of that state. So in saying that it's pretty clear to see why the bad guy is literally a voodoo doctor. I'm sure religious groups will give Disney a lot of shit for this in itself. When will Disney make a villain that is a rich white developer set on demolishing the local teen center to make room for a gentrified strip mall.



They've been making these Disney Princess movies for almost 100 years now and there's one about Chinese, Indians and even the fish people but it took until 2010 to include blacks.. and she turns into a frog at the end of act 1. Way to go, Disney! Yup, she'll spend a good amount of time during the film as a frog, not as a black princess. What will the ACLU say about that?

Oh, it's nothing new. Disney is a vile parasitic corporation of racist, fascists, misogynists and animal abusers which has never contributed anything of any value to the world and never will.... But god damn will I be going to see this sucker!



I think people are complaining because instead of taking this opportunity to provide a positive role model for kids (black or otherwise), disney is instead choosing to play into a number of stereotypes. and in fact transform the princess so she doesn't even get to be a person for most of the movie, hardly someone a child can identify with.

Maybe I'll continue to boycott Mulan, a children's movie, because it does not address the crushing poverty experience by most rural Chinese during the Northern Wei Dynasty. But perhaps the idea that the classical Disney Princess is completely dependent on her Prince gives the wrong ideas to children.. Let's take a look at the following ad.. Oddly enough, this message is not in your average Disney Princess themed movie.



I know a couple who won't let their five year old daughter watch Disney Princess movies because none of them have mothers or something. It's true though, they generally are motherless and depend too much on daddy to do things before the Prince picks up the tab and runs with it.

Here's hoping that Tiana can actually take care of herself and be her own person without the need of the Disney Prince by her side to define her. I mean, that's the bigger concern in this film. Let's just get past that whole racism stuff. This film probably wont be as racist as Peter Pan. Then again, nothing can really be as racist as Peter Pan.



Yeah, it's bad enough that they made Splash Mountain without even acknowledging what movie all the characters are from. Hell, there's parts of Song of the South that nobody sees because they've been locked in a vault for decades. It's only if you're outside of North America can you see the full version.

This isn't a critical take on Walt Disney's lack of Black heroes. I mean, there isn't very many Spanish/Latin heroes or Disney Princesses or anything. At least Disney has never released anything like this...



But like I said, we should just move on from the whole racism stuff. Let's get to the real meat and potatoes.. the return to awesome movie posters. Call me a sucker for either red heads or mermaids, but the one that was released for the little mermaid really was something that I considered art when I was much younger.

It didn't have much in terms of big name stars listed on it. It didn't have the critical praise for it or the situation where they have large floating heads of the characters plastered on it. It was simple. It was beautiful.



That in itself is a poster worthy of framing and hanging. It's very simple in its beauty and if you saw it outside of a movie theater, you would know everything you need to know about the film and want to see it. It's a nice take on the whole movie art.

So when I see a poster like this for it, I can't help but think it looks pretty cool.. Yeah, I realize that I held back from saying "Awesome". But hey, I'm trying to be a man here... A man talking about Disney films. So with that said, the following poster for this new Disney film is pretty damn appealing.



Since this story is set in a sort of modern time.. at least modern enough that you can actually study and view the areas within a few generations of when it is suppose to take place, I wonder how much that effected the production of this. Hell, for things like little mermaid they only had swimmers to work with.



Having been to New Orleans a couple of times. Both pre and post Katrina, and considering I really haven't been to the locations or areas that the other Disney films have taken place in, I suppose that adds a new element to it. It's actually real, or real enough in that regard. So it being on American soil is something interesting that I hope will come in handy from the artist and creators of this. It's always a problem if you don't get input of the source or, in some cases, the original artist you end up things like this...

Can't blame them for how screwed up it was. I mean, I also really hate it when the person I'm kissing's face falls off and turns into moths. It's almost as horrifying as if you were to see the Disney Princesses as zombies.. Oh wait, that's been done already... I can' say that the Disney Princess brand isn't being a bit progressive.. especially if we've gotten to the point of them being able to not only fend for themselves.. but now they fiend for themselves...

Protect The Sanctity Of Jews

Protect The Sanctity Of Jews: Vote No On Interracial Couples In Israel

See, I told you this would happen. I told you that if you allowed those religious gay bashers to get their way, they would open the flood gates on what they want to allow and not allow happen with marriage. But you didn't listen to me and now here we are left with this.. this sort of action where religion has stepped far beyond the line and went ahead did it.

Now the religious crazies want to ban Jews and Non-Jews from getting together.

Israeli drive to prevent Jewish girls dating Arabs

NAZARETH // A local authority in Israel has announced that it is establishing a special team of youth counsellors and psychologists whose job it will be to identify young Jewish women who are dating Arab men and “rescue” them.

The move by the municipality of Petah Tikva, a city close to Tel Aviv, is the latest in a series of separate – and little discussed – initiatives from official bodies, rabbis, private organisations and groups of Israeli residents to try to prevent interracial dating and marriage.

In a related development, the Israeli media reported this month that residents of Pisgat Zeev, a large Jewish settlement in the midst of Palestinian neighbourhoods in East Jerusalem, had formed a vigilante-style patrol to stop Arab men from mixing with local Jewish girls.

Hostility to intimate relationships developing across Israel’s ethnic divide is shared by many Israeli Jews, who regard such behaviour as a threat to the state’s Jewishness. One of the few polls on the subject, in 2007, found that more than half of Israeli Jews believed intermarriage should be equated with “national treason”.

Since the state’s founding in 1948, analysts have noted, a series of legal and administrative measures have been taken by Israel to limit the possibilities of close links developing between Jewish and Arab citizens, the latter comprising a fifth of the population.

Largely segregated communities and separate education systems mean that there are few opportunities for young Arabs and Jews to become familiarised with each other. Even in the handful of “mixed cities”, Arab residents are usually confined to separate neighbourhoods.

In addition, civil marriage is banned in Israel, meaning that in the small number of cases where Jews and Arabs want to wed, they can do so only by leaving the country for a ceremony abroad. The marriage is recognised on the couple’s return.

Dr Yuval Yonay, a sociologist at Haifa University, said the number of interracial marriages was “too small to be studied”. “Separation between Jews and Arabs is so ingrained in Israeli society, it is surprising that anyone manages to escape these central controls.”

The team in Petah Tikva, a Jewish city of 200,000 residents, was created in direct response to news that two Jewish girls, aged 17 and 19, were accompanying a group of young Arab men when they allegedly beat a Jewish man, Leonard Karp, to death last month on a Tel Aviv beach. The older girl was from Petah Tikva.

The girls’ involvement with the Arab youths has revived general concern that a once-firm taboo against interracial dating is beginning to erode among some young people.

In sentiments widely shared, Mr Hakak, a spokesman for Petah Tikva municipality, said “Russian girls”, young Jewish women whose parents arrived in Israel over the past two decades, since the former Soviet Union collapsed, were particularly vulnerable to the attention of Arab men.

Dr Yonay said Russian women were less closed to the idea of relationships with Arab men because they “did not undergo the religious and Zionist education” to which more established Israeli Jews were subject.

Mr Hakak said the municipality had created a hotline that parents and friends of the Jewish women could use to inform on them.

“We can’t tell the girls what to do but we can send a psychologist to their home to offer them and their parents advice,” he said.

Motti Zaft, the deputy mayor, told the Ynet website that the municipality was also cracking down on city homeowners who illegally subdivide apartments to rent them cheaply to single Arab men looking for work in the Tel Aviv area. He estimated that several hundred Arab men had moved into the city as a result.

Petah Tikva’s hostility to Arab men mixing with local Jewish women is shared by other communities.

In Pisgat Zeev, a settlement of 40,000 Jews, some 35 Jewish men are reported to belong to a patrol known as “Fire for Judaism” that tries to stop interracial dating.

Unusually for a settlement, Pisgat Zeev has attracted a tiny but growing population of Arab families, both from East Jerusalem and from inside Israel. Because Pisgat Zeev sits within Jerusalem’s municipal borders, Arabs with Israeli residency rights can live there as long as Jewish settlers are willing to rent to them.

One member, who identified himself as Moshe to the Jerusalem Post newspaper, said: “Our goal is to be in contact with these girls and try to explain to them the dangers of what they’re getting themselves into. In the last 10 years, 60 girls from Pisgat Zeev have gone into [Palestinian] villages [in the West Bank]. And most of them aren’t heard from after that.”

He denied that violence or threats were used against Arab men.
Last year, the municipality of Kiryat Gat, a town of 50,000 Jews in southern Israel, launched a programme in schools to warn Jewish girls of the dangers of dating local Bedouin men. The girls were shown a video titled Sleeping with the Enemy, which describes mixed couples as an “unnatural phenomenon”.

Haim Shalom, head of the municipality’s welfare department, is filmed saying: “The girls, in their innocence, go with the exploitative Arab.”

In 2004, posters sprang up all over the northern town of Safed warning Jewish women that dating Arab men would lead to “beatings, hard drugs, prostitution and crime”.

Safed’s chief rabbi, Shmuel Eliyahu, told a local newspaper that the “seducing” of Jewish girls was “another form of war” by Arab men.

Both Kiryat Gat and Safed’s campaigns were supported by a religious organisation called Yad L’achim, which runs an anti-assimilation team publicly dedicated to “saving” Jewish women.

According to its website, the organisation receives more than 100 calls a month about Jewish women living with Arab men, both in Israel and the West Bank. It launches “military-like rescues [of the women] from hostile Arab villages” in co-ordination with the police and army.

“The Jewish soul is a precious, all-too-rare resource, and we are not prepared to give up on even a single one,” says the website.

I know it's a long article, but I simply had to put the whole thing in there because.. I mean, because look at that last line. It's utterly perfect in every way possible. that last sentence makes the article; "we are literally better than everyone else. not racist."



These Israeli Zionist are fucking retarded. They don't deserve their own state. You would think that they'd have learned after two millenia of being shit upon, but noooooo, they're just as fucking racist as the rest of humanity. Fuck them.

That's a big FUCK YOU long before I even get on the subject of the restriction of Woman's rights. I don't know if you all knew this, but Israel is literally an apartheid state that is only slightly worse than South Africa. The problem is that the state of Israel is an explicitly racist state founded specifically for the purpose of protecting Jewish racial purity. It's some deep South 1920's type of shit.

Oh, you didn't know? Alabama drove to prevent White girls from dating Negros way back when. Let's just replace some of the key terms in this story and see what it sounds like.....

BIRMINGHAM // A local authority in Alabama has announced that it is establishing a special team of youth counsellors and psychologists whose job it will be to identify young White women who are dating black men and “rescue” them.

The move by the municipality of Selma, a city close to Montgomery, is the latest in a series of separate – and little discussed – initiatives from official bodies, ministers, private organisations and groups of white residents to try to prevent interracial dating and marriage.

Yeah, sounds pretty racist, doesn't it? Israel is what Nazi Germany wishes it had been. Pretty ironic when you think about it. You can have a policy of tacit genocide, racial purity and annexation and as long as you don't go out and invade countries that have powerful defenders with treaty obligations, you could literally round people up into camps and nobody would care.



Being in the industry, I work around a lot of Jewish people every day and I have to say I never been around more openly racist people in my life. But it's endearing when they do it, so no one pays no mind. Oy vay! Fascism killed 6 million of our people, so you know what we are going to do? More fascism! It's brilliant, isn't it? Reminder that Zionism was suppose to give the Jewish people a place to live

1.) in peace
2.) without feat of Antisemitic attacks.

Yeah, way to go on that one, people of Israel.



What's even more insulting is the whole preserving the Jewish soul... Let me get this straight, so if a Jew and an Arab have babies, do the babies have a half-Jewish soul or not-at-all-Jewish-soul? I need to know for my soul arithmetic class. Probably not as good as a Jew soul, but a hybrid helps offset Arab emissions.

If this were the setting for a modern day Romeo and Juliet, would Palestine be Montague or Capulet? I'm going to go with Palestine being the Montagues because that would make Iran Mercutio, desperate for gay Palestinian love but unable to stand up to the might of Israel's Capulet dynasty.

Either way, all this Zionist bullshit just gets me pretty sick.

Don't Jive Me, Turkey!

Don't Jive Me, TURKEY!

Or is it Don't Jive ME, turkey? I can't get my street lingo straight. If only there was a television show on that could teach me how to keep up with my street cred. I also can't live by my name without putting the TV in WeirdTV unless this had strange television news. Well, here you go.


Stephen Colbert... Making Black Friends IS easy!

NBC is working on a sitcom to the Nick Adams book Friends with Black People. If there's nothing that NBC knows more, it's how to make a show that will be canceled soon after it airs.

NBC is developing a comedy based on the book "Making Friends With Black People," a buddy comedy that will focus on the state of race relations in the U.S.

"From time to time, race bubbles up in the consciousness of the country and then dissipates," said "Making Friends" author Nick Adams. "Now, with Obama, people are talking about race a lot more. We hope to capitalize on that and not let the dialogue die down. ... It seemed like a good opportunity to strike while the iron is hot."

First thing I thought was that finally a comedy covering the same ground as Rush Hour but even worse! This should be as topical and popular as "chocolate news"


NBC would like to buy a vowel.

Working at Fox I thought I saw a lot of shows get canceled. That's nothing compared to the massive amount of trimming of the fat that NBC is doing. My Own Worse Enemy got the shaft as well as Lipstick Jungle. It wasn't long ago that NBC was the number one contender when it came to prime time. They can barely hold on to Thursday night and they've dropped to fourth place over all on the network ratings. I would say that they needed some Heroes to get ratings, but even that has suffered in the last two seasons.

So they think that with President Obama that they'll be able to reach a new demo? I mean, it's not like anyone tried to appeal towards the African American community before. Well, not counting WB or UPN.... But I'll stop there before the sarcasm meter breaks.


Even this guy could make black friends
What's your problem?

Are they really going to make an entire show based around awkward handshakes and fish out of water social faux pas? I guess it worked for like 11 seasons of Frasier. What's the need for a show about having a show based only on the black friend? Everybody's friends on Clueless and Malcolm the Middle were already Black they should just show those instead to save money.

I'm sure you're just wondering what sort of material we'll be getting out of this. Well, here's the writers stand up on the subject...


six minutes of nothing but stereotypical racial humor lol blacks are good at basketball and "heroes should be called negroes". Seriously if you aren't convinced that the show is going to be painfully unfunny and stereotypical watch that clip again. Maybe you shouldn't. If you wanna find a good racial comic you look no further than Jeff Foxworthy.

I can already see the weekly scripts. This week, on a very special "Making Friends with Black People:"

Black Friend: "I know you weren't trying to be rude, but you saying the N word is totally unacceptable man! That is a word that was created solely to denounce African Americans, and has no place among decent conversation! It's impossible to even think about using the word without knowing and experiencing the suffering that my parents and grandparents have gone through so I could be where I am today!"

White Friend: "I dunno... I used to work customer service at Macy's. How's that for suffering?"

*laughtrack*

Blaxploitation hasn't died quite yet folks. So don't you worry. I'm counting down to hilarious conversation about usage of the word nigger. This show is gonna have the promos where a white dude walks into a room full of black people and goes "what's up my n..." and then a record scratches and all the black people give him that confused dog look and then "Why can't we be friends?" plays.


Now don't you dare Jive this turkey...

Hey NBC, I read the internet. I know of the website about Black people/White people comedy and how to make Black Friends. How about you give me a comedy sitcom to work on? I think the only thing that can make this fly is if it's a show that stars Mike Meyers and Kanye West.


In the end when this show fails, perhaps network execs will be shown proof that it's impossible to make friends with black people.

Whoops! I'm Racist!

This, friends, is a historic time for accidentally insulting black people. Usually our black comrades must wait for the occasional slip of tongue from a B-list celebrity in order to be victims of accidental racism, but things are changing. Today is a brave new world in which there has been a flurry of unintentional racism in advertising.

Not one, not thirty, but seven high profile incidents occured involving the creation of racially offensive ads recently. Of course, no one really noticed outside of people who spend lots of time on YouTube and various internet forums, but, needless to say, these incidents have sent a charge through the black internet nerd community. I know this, because I talked to both of them, and they were totally PISSED.

• Incident 1:
  Intel, in order to send the message that their processors would allow your employees to work faster and run away really quickly if need be, came up with the concept of employees in an advertisement being represented by sprinters. Then they took some photographs and designed an ad and wrote the ad copy and approved the ad and sent the ad to some higher ups and got it approved and then sent it to a magazine which saw no problem with it and what came out of all of this was this gem:

  
  
  Which I guess is another important reminder that just because there are a lot of people and many of them have more money than you, that doesn't mean they aren't all complete idiots who can't see the most obvious things when it's repeatedly shoved in their face.

• Incident 2:
  

  Capcom released a new, longer, trailer for their game Resident Evil 5. Just like number 4 in the series, it features a big muscular guy with lots of guns fighting a horde of savage killers. Their problem was that they set the story in Africa and so created a 3 minute clip of a white guy shooting hordes of brainless black people wielding primitive weapons. In the context of the series, this is not racist at all. Outside of this context, it's a 3 minute clip of a white guy shooting hordes of brainless black people wielding primitive weapons.

  The black community's response was immediate. Some black chick's blog complained about it or something. No one else noticed or cared. I mean, it's Resident Evil, as long as you get to shoot zombies and find missing keys, who really cares, right?

• Incident 3:
  

  Kentucky Fried Chicken came out with their new ad campaign meant to emphasize the company's community values. To this end, the ad featured a large group of people from a black neighborhood all eating fried chicken together at long tables with the slogan, "Yeah, I guess you could say we all like to eat fried chicken."
  
  This, of course, caused a huge uproar for propagating the offensive stereotype that white people don't like to eat fried chicken. We do. Fried chicken's great.
  

• Incident 4:
  

  Off! Insect Repellent ran a baffling ad in Sunset magazine that consisted only of a large black men with a sign apparently stuck to his chest reading "I am a lesser being, not worthy of the same rights as you."
  
  Things were cleared up when the Off! Corporate office explained that the sign was being held up by a tiny mosquito sitting on the man, too tiny to be seen in the photo.
  

• Incident 5:
  

  Obama. Yeah, you can't have a racist moment these days without it including Presidential hopeful Berry Obama. A political ad featuring him was decried for stereotyping black men as charismatic contenders for world leadership. The NAACP commented in a strongly worded press statement: "We are deeply disappointed in...huh? Where are we? What are we saying again? I think we got confused..."'

  Fox News immediately registered disapproval of this statement which they could not characterize but were pretty sure they didn't like and are positive that it has given McCain the lead on the polls.
  

  

• Incident 6:
  

  I found a flier for a Ku Klux Klan BBQ that I was given when I lived in Florida which also included an ad for their annual membership drive, but no one complained because that one specific advertisement didn't say anything about race. Soon the KKK was reporting more black customers than Intel
  

  

• Incident 7:
  
  Called some random dude "My Nigga" and it wasn't even a black dude. It was some random guy who I bought a bacon wrapped hot dog off the street from. He took offense. I dunno why? He was Mexican. It wasn't like I told him to cut my grass and clean my car before dropping him off at home depot. I just don't take "the N word" so seriously. besides, by saying "the N word" you're just making the person hearing it say nigger in their mind. What kind of bullshit is that? You want to say the N word, then say it. Don't make me say it in my mind unless I want to say it. To correct this situation I had to give an African man a regular segment on this blog doing fashion... because clearly I have none. Stay tuned for his regular updates.
  

An Unresearched Guide to the Upcoming Economic Holocaust

In case you haven't been paying attention to the news, we're fucked. But it's not your fault--unless you're a multi-billion dollar bank or investment firm who can't get their shit together. If so, then congrats, you Jugheads of the modern business world; you're single-handedly responsible for ensuring that future generations of Americans will spend the entirety of their lives strapped to Chinese farming equipment.

I know I'm not one to talk--I've mortgaged my future via student loans to the point where this grilled cheese sandwich I'm eating right now will eventually end up costing me several hundred dollars. But my decisions hurt no one except me and my neighbors, who I wake up every night with my screaming night terrors infested with visions of future abject poverty. Maybe if I had enough economical sway, I could talk the government into paying my credit card bill or get them to force my landlord into destroying the massive colony of wasps that makes my front wall the loudest in the county. I was given a trophy, but even the wasps don't respect that.

Boredom: a common symptom of Great Depressions.

The government can only bail out so many businesses, which is why it won't be long before Predatory Lending Fuckups, Inc. comes running for help, only to be met with a stern look and horizontal shake of the head by a man dressed as Uncle Sam (this is how the economy works); then, this same man will get on a loudspeaker and say "The economy's over. Shut her down, boys." Following this, a gigantic lever will be pulled, causing everyone but the highest tax bracket to walk around with their pockets turned out and faces covered in soot. When the next Depression hits, don't be surprised if your 19th-Century bootblack Halloween costume comes back into fashion because you will never be rich. But there's no need to feel sorry for yourself as you sit wondering which of your neighborhood cats is the tastiest; with the following tips, you'll ride out the next Great Depression in style.

Learn the Art of Hobology

If you think I'm about to make some hobo jokes, then you can go right to hell. Everyone knows that any humor even tangentially related to the hobo has been sucked dry by the Internet over the past few years--and this is exactly where you will prosper in our newfound economic hellscape. Since you will undoubtedly be homeless, take advantage of the world's unquenchable thirst for irony and--with a little makeup and bindle-crafting--transform yourself into the modern-day hobo. This way, when you raid shantytowns for food and supplies, you will be welcomed with cries of, "A hobo? How random! You remember that Simpsons episode?" instead of getting murdered on the spot. While they're laughing like dopes, you'll be snatching handfuls of chicken bones as well as the prettiest child to sell to passing hordes of white slavers.

Ohhh shit, bro. I seen that one!

Invest in Wii Points

With the value of the dollar dropping like a rock, it won't be long until Americans are wiping themselves with one-dollar bills instead of the standard novelty Osama Bin Laden toilet paper. Many are looking forward to this; after all, who wouldn't want fine pressed linen rubbing up against their tender parts? But on the practical side of things, when all of your money is worthless, you will be, too. My solution: drop all of your funds into an unchanging commodity, Wii Points. Do you know how many Wii Points Donkey Kong cost in 2006? 500. Do you know how many Wii Points this same game costs today? 500. You'll find that payment via Virtual Console games, while much more complicated than your standard cash or credit card transactions, is the only real way to keep your savings intact.

All of your wildest dreams JUST CAME TRUE

Let's say you want to get some McDonald's; all you have to do is exchange your friend code with that of the friendly clerk, then promise to send them a Virtual Console game of equivalent value to the disgusting food you're about to eat. Once the paperwork is signed, consider yourself the mayor of McDonaldland!

Note: the complete, nationwide lack of electricity might be a problem.

Living With Dust

A common problem that plagued the Great Depression were the frequent dust clouds caused by dirt and grime being lifted off of poor people and carried into fierce trade winds. These amorphous blobs of filth would travel across the nation, interrupting American citizens as they went on with their busy lives of despair and being hungry. It wasn't until one of these dust clouds enveloped a very important Presidential picnic in a nightmare of shade that Herbert Hoover decided something had to be done. The picnic was quickly moved to a different hill, and Mrs. Hoover's famous deviled eggs went untouched by the plight of our nation's poor.

Warning: vagrants have been known to hide in dust clouds in order to stage their secret, underground fighting tournaments.

Don't expect the same kind of executive action from the Obama/McCain/Palin administration; when complete darkness intermittently blocks out the sun for the rest of eternity, no amount of bumper stickers or "I Voted Today" pins is going to get any of the candidates to send FEMA down to help you--mainly because the funding for FEMA will soon be funneled into the new Congressional Fantasy Football League. So why not get ahead of the curve and gouge your eyes out right now? Not only will you be able to adapt yourself to a world of blindness; you'll also feel a wave of superiority wash over you as panicked neighbors scream, "What's happening!? I can't see!" To this you will reply, "Advantage: me." Ignore the tears sputtering from your empty sockets like hose water from a broken lawn sprinkler.

Lower Your Standards for Entertainment

"I'll see you in your nightmares!" - Al Jolson

If there's one thing a Great Depression is good for, it's making the most insulting entertainment a worthwhile escape from the desolate ruin that is your life. This explains director Howard Hawks' blockbuster hits, 1932's Man Punches a Horse, as well as 1933's Man Punches a Horse 2: Also Cows. Here was a time period when people would regularly pay to watch Al Jolson smear his face with shoe polish to imitate a black man on the silver screen--and it would have been somewhat of a novelty if racism wasn't mandatory, or if blackface wasn't once an accepted way to break the ice at high-society dinner parties and lighthearted lynchings.

So if you don't like Ben Stiller now, you'd best start; his comical misadventures with women and novelty pets will be pure euphoria to anyone who subsists purely on a broth made from boiled shoes and scented laundry detergent (AKA laundry water).

As far as I'm concerned, a world of post-economic rape will only serve to make me much, much funnier in the terms of relativity, and frankly, I see no problem with the changes necessary to make this happen. Get ready to laugh again, America!

"Yay."