Doube Down!

Doube Down!

Oh you poor unfortunate souls. You don't have any idea what horrors are being unleashed on your lunch time today. Be warned, the end is coming. It comes in the form of meat and cheese and more meat. Yes, my friends - IT HAS BEGUN! RELEASE THE KRAKEN KFC!



Whenever I go to Vegas there's typically a couple of rules I follow. First off, never burn the locals. Second rule is to always double down on 11. In fact, it's really fun to double down. It's something you look forward to finally using those wide words of wisdom. Well, now KFC unleashes something with the name Double Down that I'm not sure if you're going to coming out ahead with.

I bring to you, THE KFC DOUBLE DOWN!

It's like they asked the average Joe "What do you want on your sandwich?" only to hear "MEAT!" as an answer

"What about the bread? What kind do you want?"

"MEAT!"

Yup. all that was taken into account and thus they bring to you this;


The sandwich will be available in two forms. The original Recipe sandwich will set you back about 540 calories, 32g of fat and 1380mg of sodium. That not-as-bad-for-you Grilled Double Down totals 460 calories, 23g of fat and 1430mg of Sodium.

While I suppose the sodium is a bit high, even for the grilled version, just look at those calories. In all truths it means that you could eat four of these before you even cross the line of calories that you get from a thickburger and baconator. Yes, those make this fast food item look extremely healthy. How about that. I wouldn't want to go to town on that, but as far as fast food goes, you can do a lot worse than picking this KFC horrible creation.



Just think about this little fact. This ugly looking thing has fewer calories and less fat than a Big Mac. If you're at McDonalds, a ten piece of chicken nuggets has 50 more calories than the grilled double down. It's actually a pretty good macronutrient profile, other than the transfat stuff, for anyone trying to get big while lifting weights. It's literally a protein bomb and low on carbs.

This sandwich is simultaneously awesome and horrible at the same time. Awesome because it's probably the best drunk food ever or the best food for people looking to get muscle mass. But horrible because look at that. The idea of eating fried chicken with bacon and cheese just seems so wrong on every level. I'm just thinking that if it didn't have so much sodium, the grilled version wouldn't be anything at all to worry about.




Then again, Sodium isn't as bad for you as people think it is. There's really no reason for everyone to be stressing the sodium factor. Just drink a lot of water all day and you'll be fine. This is what you should be doing every day anyway. Far too few people drink enough water in the day. Back when I worked out a lot, this thing has less calories than I eat in any meal except my pre-bedtime shake.

While it does have fewer calories than most fast food meals, I guess the real problem is that your typical fatty is going to look at this and think to themselves "I dunno, looks kinda small, better order two." Along with half a gallon of soda from the fountain. That is the real enemy to their heart and belly.



When I first heard of this I just assumed Patton Oswalt had made something else up but sure enough, it got media attention. But now this day is upon us when the Double Down is offered at any KFC.

So the real question is if you're going to try one of these suckers.

That's Racist!

That's Racist!

Fried Chicken is one of those meals that.. well.. yeah, it's typically attached to some stereotype about black people. Oh man, how much they must love that chicken, right? It looks like Australia is going and one upping the stakes a little as they just came out with this ad for KFC down under....



First thought to cross my mind?



Hmmm. Maybe the two teams are well known rivals and the dude is in an awkward situation because he's at their game and his team is losing? I can't even tell what the fuck he is saying at first because the Australian accent, much like the Australian nation, is fucking trash. And can I just say this now - Vegemite is an affront to god. Marmite on the other hand.. rules.

So... what's the reaction to this? Well, let's turn to Youtube for a reaction;


I wonder if it was a black man holding up KFC to a white crowd if the liberal PC police would be making a fuss about it. I'm not entirely sure. Maybe if KFC had real fries, more white people would eat there often. I can't stand their fries. Let alone their chicken. Who even considers that chicken? Maybe I am racist because I really can't stand fried chicken. When I grew up I only ate Pioneer chicken and even then, I would generally only eat the skin. Chicken is one of those foods that I find entirely too boring in flavor.

It has nothing to do with racism, I just don't like fried chicken. You really have to sell me on Chicken in general though. Much like in Australia you have to sell them on the idea that they're being racist. Look at this classic take on the black face..



I'm not going to try to defend them. I mean, let's just face the facts. Australia doesn't have a long history of institutionalized racism like the US. So things like this doesn't really bother them. Besides, you can't really say much about them when you look at the Koreans and their take on fried chicken....



I mean, let's not blame them... Is it even possible to make a non-racist KFC commercial? It would go something along the lines of this:

(blank screen)

Computer generated voice: We sell chicken that is fried.

(25 seconds of silence)

Fried chicken sells itself, really. I suppose you can add in "We have fried chicken. It is delicious. If you like fried chicken then come here. If you don't like fried chicken, go somewhere else. There, that's all you really need.

If you think that's racist, You haven't seen sit. I mean. The Japanese take the whole "Black people look like Monkey's" thing to a new level with this ad;



It's a Japanese ad for EMOILE and it's an extremely racist commercial that depicts Obama as a monkey. Then again, I don't think anything can top this gem in terms of racism...



What the fuck was that even advertising for?

In short. All these ads can have one thing said about them...

KFC - Keeping It Unreal

KFC - Keeping It Unreal

You have to give it to KFC. The Colonel just doesn't give a fuck. The dude has no qualms with creating unhealthy foods and jamming them down the throats of anyone who will shell out the bucks for it. And really, growing up I never really had KFC because as a poor kid in East L.A, I always thought Pioneer chicken was a lot better in taste and a whole lot cheaper.

That doesn't mean it was a healthier option. Hell no. Pioneer chicken was beyond oily. I mean, you could use a bunch of napkins and still not cover the amount of oil that the thing was drenched in. But as unhealthy as that was, it can't begin to touch what KFC is trying out currently in two markets (meaning in two states).

You see, human civilization has reached its highest point with America's current fast food menu. While those of you who get your double double at IN-N-OUT protein style to not have to deal with the bun are failing to realize is that instead of lettuce, you can be using meat as a bread substitute. I present you the Double Down from KFC.



Forget what you knew about sandwiches because it just got reinvented. Now you don't need to mess with silly bread. Why would you want to when you can easily replace it with two chicken patties. At least I hope they're de-boned chicken patties as biting down on a sandwich only to meet a breast plate would not make for a great lunch time meal.

My one question is how do you eat that without getting disabling diarrhea? Ok, that's a lie. I have a lot more questions. For example, why would anyone buy this combo for $7? That's pretty god damn expensive as hell. Then again, everything at KFC is expensive so I shouldn't be surprised.

I just wonder if people come in asking if they could super size their combo of this.


That's not a sandwich that's just a pile of chicken

It's funny that KFC has had this mentality that anyone who eats here must love to smash their food together or has no problems with that neurosis about food touching as just about everything on the menu or being introduced lately is a mashed up entire dinner into one giant ball or bowl. It's really disturbing to think that some Executive thinks all Americans have poor teeth and can't chew very well.

I suppose it's only fitting that they called it the Double Down, because it's like you're placing a bet on congestive heart failure and coronary thrombosis. How fucking disgusting is that blog of a sandwich? I don't care if you're only eating it ironically, as it seems most hipsters do anything these days. I show concern because what about the clogged arteries and fat ass that comes with that? Are those ironic as well?

Here's a poor quality video of the ad for this monster pile of shit sandwich



I love the part in the ad where the one guy exclaims "Finally.. Someone listened to me!" As if anyone was out there thinking, "Fuck, man, you know what would be good?" The copy guys in the creative department were having a little fun there I assume. Because there shouldn't be anyone on this Earth who was thinking that this is a good idea. Then again, if I was given this ad copy, I don't know if I could take it seriously either.

Perhaps I should thank KFC for weeding out the human racist from all the fatasses who will choke down this god awful menu item. Especially those who are getting a diet coke with this combo meal. I hope those are the first ones to choke on the massive amounts of chicken in this chicken sandwich.. Oh, sorry. I almost acknowledged this pile of crap as a sandwich. My apology.

Way to go KFC..

YOU GET A WING, YOU GET A BREAST! Oprah Lowers The Bar

YOU GET A WING, YOU GET A BREAST! Oprah Lowers The Bar

Well, it's not a brand new car, but at least you don't have to pay the taxes on this one. Oprah is giving away two piece chicken meals at KFC... oh, I'm sorry, KGC. They no longer want to be known for their fried chicken. No worries, KFC, I didn't think your fried chicken was good anyway. Your biscuits on the other hand, were delicious. So how about you change your name to KGB?

Back to the deal because, free is free. So what's the low down?

Get two pieces of grilled chicken, two individual sides and a biscuit!

Limited Time Download
Coupon download available from 9 a.m. CDT on May 5, 2009, to 9:59 p.m. CDT on May 6, 2009. Coupon is redeemable at participating KFC® locations in the United States from May 5, 2009 to May 19, 2009—excluding Mother's Day, May 10, 2009.

Yeah, that's right. All you cheap mother fuckers hoping to get a free meal for your mama's on Mother's day need to plan accordingly. I cant' stop laughing at that. Did you really need to make their be a limit for Mother's day? Is there such a rush for KFC KGC on Mother's day that they would have to limit this coupon to be void on Sunday? You're thinking way too highly of yourself, Masters of the seven herbs and spices. Though I know it will probably make some people go "well shit, there goes my Mother's Day idea".


Careful KFC, you don't want this happening.

I also love the fine print of this deal. It's so careful in the way it's wording everything.

* Terms: Free offer good for two pieces of Kentucky Grilled Chicken™ (manager's choice) and two individual sides and a biscuit at participating KFC restaurants located in the Unites States, while supplies last. Limit one offer per coupon, one coupon per person during offer period. Must be redeemed in person. Not good with any other offers. No photocopied, mechanically reproduced or altered coupon accepted. Coupon cannot be sold or traded. Valid only if downloaded from UnthinKFC.com. Applicable tax extra. Void where prohibited. By downloading coupon, you agree that KFC is not responsible for any technical problems or malfunctions of computer systems, servers or printers or lost or unavailable network connections. You are limited to 4 downloads of coupon. Coupon fraud is punishable by law.

COUPON FRAUD IS PUNISHABLE BY LAW!!! OH NOES! The law is going to come in and cuff me for making multiple copies of this. I think that's how the hamburgler turned to a life of crime. One too many free burger coupons and once he got out of the pokey, it was just a matter of time before he was knocking over Jack in the boxes.


Coupon Fraud brings great dishonor to the Colonel

Though, all coupons actually say that. I just find it funny that KFC KGC is warning us that they wont be responsible when your computer runs slower than shit because in order to print this, you have to load it up from coupons.com. That means you have to install a spyware piece of shit in order to print the coupons. Thanks for wiping your hands of any responsiblity in making my hardware suck ass, Oprah.

I'm wondering what this new "UnthinKFC" campaign is about. Are they trying to reverse KFC's image of shitty unhealthy chicken? Is that even possible? Maybe they wont people to have the same mentality that I have. That is if I wanted grilled chicken, I'd grill it myself. Now, if I want fried chicken... I'll go to Roscoe's. But if I want world-class diarrhea, I'll go to KFCKGC. You should try their mashed potato bowls (for if you want corn in your diarrhea).


Hey, at least they don't objectify women...

I know I keep writing KGC, but that's just part of their new marketing handle. It's common knowledge that they officially changed their name to "KFC," and have abandoned the "Kentucky Fried Chicken" name in hopes to get people not thinking about the fried aspect. It's better than SyFy, I guess. But not by much.

Though I'd like to squash the rumor that they had to legally change the name because they sell genetically modified chickens that are born without their beaks and aren't technically kitchen. This isn't 5th grade, folks. Let's show some maturity.


This blog on the other hand... all about objectifying.
When will they offer Grilled employees instead of those in the sink fired ones?

If I've had my way, I'd gladly state how stupid the UnthinKFC motto is. It seems like a terrible name to pick though, considering KFC will in fact make you "un-thin". El Pollo Loco is so much better at essentially the same gimmick. Hell, I'm not even a chicken type of person. To me it's typically done bad. Good chicken is a rare thing so I don't bother with bland chicken anyway.

But even if you can get the same shit other places done a lot better, Oprahoids will still try and try. It's like the Oprah book club. To be perfectly honest, I've only met one person who loved Oprah but wasn't completely bat shit insane. Perhaps the Jewish side balanced out the crazy since they were already neurotic enough.

If you listen carefully you can hear the mashing of Oprah fan fingers in distressed E-machine keyboards nationwide, twitching as they frantically slam their mouse against grandma's cardtable in utter, desperate, wanton lust for that delicious, delicious chickeny goodness. The comedy gold to be mined from those comments is almost better than free chicken! I give you the comment section of the Oprah website. The things I do for this blog:

"your KFC coupon dont even work get it to work NOW"

Bitches want their CHICKANS NAO!

"Hello Oprah, I just wanted to say that I tried to get onto the site to print the coupon and it says it's unable to open..Anyway.. Thanks for thinking about America"

Yes, cause America needs more crappy chicken.

"Thanks for saing you are feeding North America and then saying only available in the U.S."

CANADA IS NOT PLEASED!

"Dear Oprah, My family and I just want to say THANK YOU for Blessing us with the coupons. You are Segulah(valued property) to God !"

PRAISE LORD OPRAH!

"I tried to use my coupon but when I went to KFC they said we like your socks."

Well, to be honest, they were nice socks.

"I'm on food stamps,but won't take a handout from KFC. I'm not Vegan, just sickened at the videos I've seen of the processing plants KFC uses.They are immoral"

You should see the videos on how they make government cheese.

"Oprah, the thought was so nice, but the process was a nightmare! I am now going to have to oder fried chicken to make up for all the calories I lost by trying to print the coupon."

Oh, I'm sure you've already spent those calories on the food you ate while waiting for the coupon site to load.

"Thank you Oprah, I enjoyed my chicken. You are a beautiful, strong, Successful and an elegant woman. I would love to have sex with you."

..... Well, that's a strange segway.

"Mymommaalwaystoldmeyoudon'tget nuthun'forfree.NOT EVEN A FREE PIECE OF CHICKEN.THANKS FOR NOTHING OPRAH.THE COUPON ISN'T REAL THERE IS NOT A PAGE AND NOW I MUST GO TO BED HUNGRY"

The internet doesn't exist. We are in the matrix.

So there you have it. Print up your coupon and get on down for some mmmm mmmm deep fried grilled chicken! It's on OPRAH!

Whoops! I'm Racist!

This, friends, is a historic time for accidentally insulting black people. Usually our black comrades must wait for the occasional slip of tongue from a B-list celebrity in order to be victims of accidental racism, but things are changing. Today is a brave new world in which there has been a flurry of unintentional racism in advertising.

Not one, not thirty, but seven high profile incidents occured involving the creation of racially offensive ads recently. Of course, no one really noticed outside of people who spend lots of time on YouTube and various internet forums, but, needless to say, these incidents have sent a charge through the black internet nerd community. I know this, because I talked to both of them, and they were totally PISSED.

• Incident 1:
  Intel, in order to send the message that their processors would allow your employees to work faster and run away really quickly if need be, came up with the concept of employees in an advertisement being represented by sprinters. Then they took some photographs and designed an ad and wrote the ad copy and approved the ad and sent the ad to some higher ups and got it approved and then sent it to a magazine which saw no problem with it and what came out of all of this was this gem:

  
  
  Which I guess is another important reminder that just because there are a lot of people and many of them have more money than you, that doesn't mean they aren't all complete idiots who can't see the most obvious things when it's repeatedly shoved in their face.

• Incident 2:
  

  Capcom released a new, longer, trailer for their game Resident Evil 5. Just like number 4 in the series, it features a big muscular guy with lots of guns fighting a horde of savage killers. Their problem was that they set the story in Africa and so created a 3 minute clip of a white guy shooting hordes of brainless black people wielding primitive weapons. In the context of the series, this is not racist at all. Outside of this context, it's a 3 minute clip of a white guy shooting hordes of brainless black people wielding primitive weapons.

  The black community's response was immediate. Some black chick's blog complained about it or something. No one else noticed or cared. I mean, it's Resident Evil, as long as you get to shoot zombies and find missing keys, who really cares, right?

• Incident 3:
  

  Kentucky Fried Chicken came out with their new ad campaign meant to emphasize the company's community values. To this end, the ad featured a large group of people from a black neighborhood all eating fried chicken together at long tables with the slogan, "Yeah, I guess you could say we all like to eat fried chicken."
  
  This, of course, caused a huge uproar for propagating the offensive stereotype that white people don't like to eat fried chicken. We do. Fried chicken's great.
  

• Incident 4:
  

  Off! Insect Repellent ran a baffling ad in Sunset magazine that consisted only of a large black men with a sign apparently stuck to his chest reading "I am a lesser being, not worthy of the same rights as you."
  
  Things were cleared up when the Off! Corporate office explained that the sign was being held up by a tiny mosquito sitting on the man, too tiny to be seen in the photo.
  

• Incident 5:
  

  Obama. Yeah, you can't have a racist moment these days without it including Presidential hopeful Berry Obama. A political ad featuring him was decried for stereotyping black men as charismatic contenders for world leadership. The NAACP commented in a strongly worded press statement: "We are deeply disappointed in...huh? Where are we? What are we saying again? I think we got confused..."'

  Fox News immediately registered disapproval of this statement which they could not characterize but were pretty sure they didn't like and are positive that it has given McCain the lead on the polls.
  

  

• Incident 6:
  

  I found a flier for a Ku Klux Klan BBQ that I was given when I lived in Florida which also included an ad for their annual membership drive, but no one complained because that one specific advertisement didn't say anything about race. Soon the KKK was reporting more black customers than Intel
  

  

• Incident 7:
  
  Called some random dude "My Nigga" and it wasn't even a black dude. It was some random guy who I bought a bacon wrapped hot dog off the street from. He took offense. I dunno why? He was Mexican. It wasn't like I told him to cut my grass and clean my car before dropping him off at home depot. I just don't take "the N word" so seriously. besides, by saying "the N word" you're just making the person hearing it say nigger in their mind. What kind of bullshit is that? You want to say the N word, then say it. Don't make me say it in my mind unless I want to say it. To correct this situation I had to give an African man a regular segment on this blog doing fashion... because clearly I have none. Stay tuned for his regular updates.