Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Week That Was: How A Balloon Boy Showed Us The Media Sucks

The Week That Was: How A Balloon Boy Showed Us The Media Sucks

Well, actually we already knew the Television news outlets were a joke. It's just that with this whole Balloon Boy we were reminded on how bad of a joke it is. The Newspapers suck terribly and are one foot in the grave, if not burying themselves by the day and while it's pretty much known that Fox news is the worst piece of shit on your screen for accuracy, CNN is equally as bad when it comes to actually reporting real news.

Meet the Heene family. You may have already met them on a popular reality show called Wife Swap. You don't have to watch all 9 minutes to understand why they're terrible people. But you'll get the idea.

Now that you've gotten to know this insane family headed by a pseudo scientist, you'll be familiar with the subject of what was some classy live news coverage. If you've sat through 9 minutes of wife swap, then I commend you, you're a stronger person than I. If you were like the rest of the nation, captivated by the exploits and drama of live news coverage, then you'll already know that the Heene's youngest child was to be believed stuck in the weather balloon and floating aimlessly in the sky.

His name was Falcon and with a name like that he was just destined to live his life in the sky. Who the fuck names their kid falcon? One of his brothers is named Rio. I mean, seriously. You look at some black kid's names and wonder what the fuck but then you get this Colorado hick family and just realize it's not a culture think, it's a stupidity thing to name your children stupid things.

For hours at end we watched, and by we I mean anyone who wanted anything remotely close to news coverage because it was covering up any and all important pieces of news as this debacle was going on. People feared that the Balloon would electricute this stupid kid. Some worried that he wouldn't know how to fly the thing and just crash to his death. I hoped he fell to his death. What better way for a kid named Falcon to go out?
balloon boy took to the skies trying to escape Obambo's Socialist shit land. Congratulation air boy on giving your life to accomplish a dream
Then the balloon came to the ground. One would imagine that in this sort of situation, that would be all the story wrote. Oh, you folks would be completely wrong as this was only the start of what would be an epically funny situation. In a morbid way of course. You see, when the balloon finally did make a tough landing it was discovered that there was no one in the balloon. Holy shit! People just thought that Falcon did in fact fall to his death. It would make sense and would be a tragic end to this story. Though, the story, as you will see, only gets more tragically funny.

This just in, we have not found falcon but we did find some clues, blues clues on dvd that is, wow, what a little baby. We also found this pic of him naked as a baby, i dont know if you can see his weiner because its so small. We cant log in to his xbox but we assume that he has bad scores on it. Now we go live to ridgeland mills elementary school for an interview with school bully Connors
It ended up that the boy was hiding in the attic the whole time. Why wouldn't he come out when his parents, the police and other search and rescue personal came looking for him to confirm that he wasn't just on the ground as the news media swarmed on the flying empty home made weather balloon? Well, that would be the smart move.

But what a breath of fresh air to the attention hungry family. Their boy was safe! So safe! He was hiding only because he was afraid that his dad would beat him for playing in the balloon or letting it go.. Or some shit. I mean, really, did you see that wife swap? I'm surprised he doesn't beat his kids more often.

Oh, who cares if dozens are dead in other places in the world. What happened to Balloon boy?!?

But this "news story" is a prime example of everything that is wrong with the media in America. Why was this news? A stupid hick family played with fire and if the kid had died, it would only show the world that you shouldn't fake being some man of science. I suppose this is the perfect representation of a white American family. Down to the retarded names for kids and terribly unsafe and pointless hobbies. Did I mention that he is a UFO chaser? Yeah. Nuff said.

So it shouldn't come as a surprise when this news story took the turn to comedic funny when in the aftermath of the balloon misadventure during an interview, young Falcon fucks up yet again and let's loose that the whole event was really some staged hoax.

Way to go, Falcon. You just earned yourself a belt whipping to be redeemed later tonight. You're going to wish that you were on that balloon and that you fell to your death now after dropping that and giving us, who already assumed that this was staged, fuel to add to the fire that will burn this family to the ground. Then again, maybe balloon boy is not a hoax. The true hoax is American "culture" and actual "news gathering".

Most of all, did you hear that awkward fart in the background after Falcon drops the ball? It sure as hell sounds as if someone just shit their pants there. Take a look at it again. You'll even see the children's eyes move to the sound of the fart, as if to say "What the hell was that?" Then what followed was sure funny to watch TV. Later in the day the Heene family went back on TV and addressed the concerned and otherwise useless CNN Wolfe Blitzer, who to this day can't find hard hitting journalism if it bit him in the ass. Take a look;

Do you hear that? He's applaud that they would say something like that! How dare they! At least he didn't fart again. Now that would be pretty gross. I mean, what can they do to top off a live fart on television? Oh wai...


BAW HA HA HA HA HA. Kid pukes on live television, not only once but twice. This news story is really breaking new records on all the levels of stupidity that it could. Falcon is basically that weird kid in grade school who always pukes in class and everyone just accepts it as normal after a while.

I mean, I was, for a time, called Bubble boy by young children at camp. I suppose it's because I look a lot like Broke Back Mountain's Jake Gyllenhaal. But still, I know this type of kid because I was more than likely one of them. I can tell you I would do some strange shit, but I wouldn't go hide in a fucking weather balloon even if my father was as crazy as Father Heene seems to be.

But even I'm laughing at this little dumb punk and his stupid family. Though, I suppose I shouldn't be laughing at the kid. He only did what his parents told him to. Let this be a lesson to them to try to keep their kid quiet. You can't trust a kid, let alone one of those weird pukey kids with a secret. They'll rat that shit out in a second if they believe that they'll be accepted by others for doing so.
We looked everywhere! Under the television, in the sink, on top of the car, next to the basketball, beneath the chessboard -- everywhere
I mean, maybe I'm just laughing so hard at this because if I stopped laughing at this for any moment the realization that our news outlets are completely worthless in every possible way. I mean, look at the following image and tell me what's wrong. Oh wait, I don't even want to bother making you do any work. I just circled everything about Balloon boy and then circled a little section of actual news coverage that is pushed all the way to the bottom.

The news story doesn't end there. You see, even though I'm reporting what the stupid news centers are covering, I at least cover world news on some day highlighted features. But it should be noted that we've devoted our 24 hour news stations time to this family. Who now feels like they have had too much free publicity. You see, Papa Heene came out earlier yesterday to announce something big. He announced that he will leave a box outside and you can leave your questions for him in there and he will answer the ones he deems fit to answer.

What a big baby. I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to get more angry because then it will just cause some more anger issues. Who wants to see his kids beat. Most of all, the comedy side of all things is that this video footage was released of him letting go of the balloon.Oh my, it seems like someone is popping your balloon of publicity, Mr. Heene. What will you ever do now?!

Even the 9-11 call is comical. It was pretty much him saying "Hello, News Media? I'm a guy and thing happened. Hurry and bring all your cameras. All of them."
Dispatcher: Ok how long has the 6-year-old been missing?
RH: Um, just a few minutes.
Dispatcher: Was the flying saucer in the backyard?
RH: Yes.
Dispatcher: Ok, so it obviously has electronics which he can know how to work and he gets it up off the air, off the ground?
RH: No, he doesn't know how they operate.
Dispatcher: He does not know how to operate, so and that's gone though too, right? And you're sure that he's in that?
RH: Yeah, we looked everywhere and then my son just said — he's terrified — he said yeah he went inside just before it went off. Because we have it tethered it wasn't supposed to take off.
Dispatcher: So was it running then?
RH: Well it doesn't run, it's filled with helium. And it operates off of a million volts to move left and right — horizontal. And we were testing it to find out what effects we could get.
Dispatcher: OK. And so it was last seen 20 minutes ago?
RH: Um, probably. I'm gonna check the time. Probably, yeah.
Dispatcher: Ok. So there's no electronics on it, there's no tracking device, right?
RH: No, no. I don't know whether it's possible you guys could detect the electricity that it emits, but every five minutes it comes on for one minute, and uh, it emits a million volts on the outer skin. And uh, if he takes a ride in it he could get electrocuted.
And before you get any ideas that the 911 call sounds as if it's not staged, just remember that the 911 call they made after calling the news outlets makes you think otherwise. I'm sure there has been latest news pieces to just add fuel to this fire and bring it alive to comedic greatness, but I'm done writing for this. Unless it turns out aliens did it, I'm not sure how you can top it so far.

To sum it up, here is what happened;

Retarded Colorado pseudosceintist with retarded youtube TV show called psyience detectives who went on wife swap and made his small boys do a rap video about not being pussies lost control of his fake flying saucer and sent his child to hide in the garage and called the news to tell them his son falcon was flying through the air and then all the networks followed the balloon for hours. Literally every human on earth watched it live, at 10000 feet, then it landed, and he wasn't inside. The news coverage was retarded beyond measure.

Then everyone thought a 6 year old boy fell to his death. Then they found him in his attic. Then, live, on CNN, the boy told everyone it was a set up. Then he farted. During the awkward silence then dad sputters for hours lying ineptly then the kid pukes constantly through a Katie Couric interview and dad invited reporters to home for big announcement but just repeated what he had been saying all along and asked reporters to put questions in a box before going back inside.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this whole Balloon shit was comically great to follow. From first hearing about the balloon coming down with no kid and laughing at the thought of a kid fall to his death from a high flying balloon to having him rat out his parents on live TV to seeing him puke on the joke of a morning news. Oh yeah, the sheriff is filing charges against them.

The lesson here is that you shouldn't follow your balloon.

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