Call of Duty: Black Ops

Call of Duty: Black Ops

It's here! It's here! Another generic war FPS to numb your mind from the world and all the evils. In fact, this one not only numbs it from the world, it actually highlights the truly awful aspects of it. I mean, more than Modern Combat 2.. Okay, maybe.

But seriously, you're a Black Ops warrior? Seriously? Do you need to glorify that? It was annoying enough that people played Call of Duty 2: Modern Combat without taking in the fact that the CIA fucks everything up, but in this case they're going to be playing essentially the role of Black Water, or as they call themselves now Xe. However the fuck you say that.

So now we get this, which might I add, is better propaganda than any actual Army recruitment video ever produced by the armed forces. I mean, seriously take a look at this shit.



I want to rip on this game so badly. I seriously want to just mock it like no one's business. I want to just jump on a server and spray all over the walls some political message or images that will be ignored while people shoot at me and call me a stupid fag newbie.

But you know what, I can't. I really can't. That ad is simply too awesome. I mean, seeing Kobe walk around with a gun and that one fat chick. I mean, she looked like the patriarchy had nothing on her while she walked around with a 12 gauge shot gun. It was all her and nothing was going to stop her.

Besides that, how can you hate on that ad when in the past this other Xbox ad was taken off the air because it showed the same thing.. Every day people shooting each other.. Only they did it without any guns.



But getting back to Call of Duty: Glorified War Zone. Did you know they actually went one step further for the promotion of this game and made a fucking Black Ops Jeep that you can actually buy.

'Black Ops' Jeep Imitates Videogame
As fans wait for the release of the new "Call of Duty: Black Ops" videogame, Chrysler Group LLC is turning out what may be the ultimate in automotive crossovers.
Bolstered by its starring role in the videogame, which comes out Monday night at midnight, Chrysler is shipping a limited edition 2011 Jeep Wrangler Call of Duty: Black Ops model to dealers in the real world. The auto maker plans to build between 2,500 and 3,000 of the limited-edition Wranglers, which feature Black Ops graphics on the roof and front quarter panels along with high-gloss mineral gray wheels. The two-door starts at $30,625, while the four-door is $33,500.

Unlike in the videogame, released by Activision Blizzard Inc., the real Jeep won't come with the TV-guided missile launcher.

"This is the first time we have produced a vehicle based on a videogame and it may be a first for the industry," said Jeep Chief Executive Mike Manley. "The outside looks stunning and although we focused on the outside of the vehicle with the Call of Duty badging and graphics, the limited edition still features the interior improvements we

What the hell. I know about upgrading your Xbox to get the theme based console but this is utterly insane. Who in their right mind will go out and buy a limited edition video game car? Well, besides those rich fuckers who will just buy anything.

I do have to admit that even though I own one, I never feel the desire to play online with Xbox live. I just can't justify paying for internet play on a monthly basis. That is why I never got into Warcraft and that's why I'm not getting into Xbox live. It's too much of a money pisser.

So oh well. Go out and buy the latest point and shoot war game. I'm sure it wont be replaced within 6 months with a newer, fresher version of the same game...

Making A Game Out Of War

Making A Game Out Of War

I used to work a start up computer cafe. It was a sort of project between high school friends and well, it failed terribly. What I came out of that with was getting bored with video games that leaves me not addicted to playing much of anything. It's like catching your son smoking and then making him smoke the whole pack at a time. That sort of too much to ever care about it. Day in and day out I would play video games.

Most of these games were war simulators. Counter Strike and Battlefield 1942. Both were just online multiplayer games that gave you guns and told you to shoot the enemy before you see the whites of their pixels. Much the same, the US army went ahead and did their own service/video game called America's Army. It was nothing more than army propaganda and recruitment tools.

So the question we should be asking is how soon is too soon? I'll be the first one to admit that after 9/11, I was all for not giving a shit if it was "too soon" to try to make a joke in order to deal with the pain.


But as Gilbert Gottfried pointed out, we need to move on with it. So the question with this is why I'm not entirely on the fence here with this move to make a video game out of a modern combat theater piece that is only a few years old.

With that all said and done, it looks like War isn't hell anymore, It seems like War is simply a game

There have been books, movies, poetry and even rap songs coming out of the war in Iraq. Now, there's going to be a video game, one based on the November 2004 battle in the Iraqi town of Fallouja that left dead 38 U.S. troops and an estimated 1,200 insurgents

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that. On one hand doe we need to play a war campaign for a war that we have troops currently stuck in? Isn't this sort of giving the enemy an insight on what our troops are geared with or what their formation is during a battle?

Hell, the Vets of that battle are more than likely still doing a tour or two there. It seems really odd to be able to play a battle they risked their ass in before they get home and play it themselves on their xbox. Also demeans the risk they took when you're just running and gunning when they actually risked their ass and shit their pants because of the battle.

It also takes war flash backs to a new meaning when you not only see/relive a battle in your mind, let alone all your draft dodging buddies decide to play a multiplayer campaign of it on their PS3....



We shouldn't be desensitizing war like this. Part of that hippie in me just thinks that the easier you make killing someone, the worse our society will be. I know I stopped giving a shit about grand theft after GTA: Vice City. I also busted out my 80's music... But even they waited a good 20 years before touching on the 80's. Any time before that would have been way too soon to remember the 80's again.

I'm just as wrong for playing a lot of WWII shooter games but this seems like poor taste, or at the very least it seems like something that is way too soon considering this battle just happened a few years ago. How would we feel if them terrorist decided to create a "Fly plane into building" flight sim and released it in this sort of high profile situation a couple of weeks after 9/11? We'll never be forgetting that, thems for sure.

Holiday Gift Ideas: Video Games

Holiday Gift Ideas: Video Games

Black Friday has come and gone. Guess what, you're fucked. You're still stuck without a gift for those ingrates. You only have 23 days to be a consumer whore and shop shop shop! But what exactly will you be buying them? Who knows. Who cares? Well, they will, of course. And if you aren't lazy enough to slap together a gift card and toss it to them and actually put some effort into the gift, then I can help you with this 2008 gift giving guide to the galaxy. Well at least when it comes to video games and other shiny electronic items.


Fable 2 - A boy and his dog, and his top hat, and his trail of bastard children in broken homes, and his fledgling wood chopping career, and the never ending quest to stand in front of strangers and thrust your pelvis in hope of getting their love. Perhaps it's not the best gift for those young impressionable types that will just choose the path of evil and end up pouring ale endlessly at some bar for a ton of gold.


Left 4 Dead - What's there left to say about this? Other than I haven't played it since the demo I can blind recommend this on the amount I have played. Let me tell you, I don't play many games... not after the accident... So when I'm excited about a game, it's special. The game has realistic A.I. which uses Black Friday physics. The 4-player online co-op means you'll hear less insults and more curious inquiries on why you just shot your buddy in the back. Highly recommended for any fans of zombies.


Red Alert 3
If Joseph McCarthy was still alive to see a communist Gina Carano in leather hotpants and a skimpy top, he would prefer Company Of Heroes for its attention to detail and superior depth of combat. Me on the other hand.. Holy shit. That's CRUSH! drool! So yeah.. what was I saying? Yeah, I guess I'd let her totally break me. I mean.. have you've seen her? Who wouldn't want to unwrap tha.....



So yeah. I guess buy this.. and um.. yeah, sure...
Moving on now!


Fallout 3 - Lives up to all the expectations, especially the expectation that Bethesda still hasn't learned how to make convincing human faces. If you're in Bakersfield, the appeal of this game may not run so deep since you are pretty much living through it daily.


Mirror's Edge - "The gunplay in this game about running is terrible" is 2008's "the weapon selection in this game about portals is too limited". What can be said about this. You run. Simply run. Off buildings. Into glass windows. Get this game for all those fans of running away from you... without actually running anywhere.


PDP Rock Band Stage Kit – Wait.. what the fuck is this shit? You have got to be kidding me. So you want to be a rock star but you don't want to put any effort in actually touring. Do you really thin that smoke and lighting effects will help your skills on Smells like teen spirit? Groupies will not flock to your small apartment in WeHo and want to screw you if you have this. Seriously. You get this for someone you're pretty much telling them that they need a life.


World Of Warcraft : Wrath of the Lich King - If you have someone who is addicted to WOW and doesn't have this already, why bother? Just get them a case of Hot Pockets and just hope they don't have to use your bathroom.


Boom Blox – Frankly, you couldn't pay me to play this game all day. I mean, perhaps you could. But it would have to be a good amount. Sure it's a Steven Spielberg venture into the world of gaming world as I'm sure he felt it needed some Jaws or Jews. Either way, it's fun and you throw things around. A good game for the kids and the special effects look better in this than the latest Indiana Jones film.


Wii Points Card - Buy old games for five bucks online instead of wasting time looking through old thrift store or game stop bins. It's as bad as a gift card. But if you have someone on you list that likes games, it's worth it.


Super Smashbros Brawl - This game is all about button mashing. I seriously don't get it. Give me a game like Street Fighter where there's form and function. Where it's a matter of combos that aren't simply button mashing. That or I'm just really bitter that people can kick my ass any time in this game while I'm king of the mountain when it comes to most fighting games. Great gift. Just not for me, thank you kindly.


MarioKart Wii - I'm sure if they haven't gotten this game already, they really don't want it. While I love the game, don't waste your time finding it for someone.


Sony Blu-Ray Remote – Cause you're too damn lazy to walk the five feet to the tv to push buttons.


Nyko Media Hub – Besides being a tool to play Metal Gear and Dead Space, what else is a PS3 good for? I suppose a USB hub.


DEAD SPACE - So scary, you'll think twice before going into outer space by yourself again. Be aware that the person asking for this isn't going to piss themselves upon playing it.


Little Big Planet - I really don't know anything about this game. The ads tell me nothing and I'm too busy killing zombies (not in a game, mind you) to bother checking in on this cute looking party game. I assume it's a fun party game. If it's not, then just buy some booze and make it a fun night.


Mortal Kombat Vs. DC Universe - If you like to argue about who would win in a fight between The Flash and Raiden, now you can argue about it while playing a so-so fighter and waiting for Street Fighter IV. Really, I'm a nerd and I have no desire to see Sub-Zero get beaten by Batman. We all know he'd get something from his belt and that'll be it.


Naruto: Who gives a shit - I seriously don't know. I guess if that Final Fantasy game is too mature for person you're shopping for, you can always go with this? Just assume it'll be tossed away for the latest fad in a matter of months... weeks.. or who knows.

For those of you with Hand held systems who aren't confined to the master of a wire and a flat screen tv, here's some things to play while on the train or just avoiding social interaction in public.


Professor Layton and the Curious Village – I give Penny Arcade shit all the time but even a broken clock is right twice a day when they summed up this game in their comic strip. Get this for anyone who wants to be driven crazy by point and click mazes and questions.



Littlest Pet Shop - Great for your niece or gay nephew. Take your pick.


Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia – What is a Castlevania game on the DS? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk... Have at it! There's something magical about a Castlevania game on the DS. A great gift for any gothic relatives or those who like to endlessly walk through a castle and kill skeletons.


StarOcean: Final Departure - Does anyone still have a PSP? I mean, seriously. Stop it. The UMDs sucked. If you have someone on your list who still relies on PSP games to stay entertained.. buy them a fucking DS already.


Final Fantasy IV: Crisis Core - Beating a dead horse of the Final Fantasy franchise like squeezing blood from a stone. Only you'll still get droves of anime and those who's first exposure to an RPG was this game. I suppose if you see a bunch of anime scrolls in the giftee's place, this will be a good thing to get them. Otherwise, assume that anyone else has long since moved on past the point of caring about Cloud and stopped crying about some dead flower girl.

There you have it. Use this guide to give your children and your boyfriend some gift that they'll use to dodge spending time with you. Nothing like passing time pressing buttons to a TV screen. More guides to come before Christmas so you don't have to fall back to awful gift cards.

The Kids Aren't Alright

The Kids Aren't Alright



As Hank Hill would say it, That boy ain't right. Only he should have meant boys. Kids these days are far from alright. First off we have an 8 year old shoots and kills his father and another man. Very strange.

ST. JOHNS, Ariz. (AP) - Police in this small eastern Arizona community are looking into the possibility that an 8-year-old boy who is charged with killing his father and another man with a rifle had been abused, the police chief said Saturday.

"I'm not accusing anybody of anything at this point," he said Saturday. "But we're certainly going to look at the abuse part of this. He's 8 years old. He just doesn't decide one day that he's going to shoot his father and shoot his father's friend for no reason. Something led up to this."

On Friday, a judge determined there was probable cause to show that the boy fatally shot his father, Vincent Romero, 29, and Timothy Romans, 39, of San Carlos, with a .22-caliber rifle. Under Arizona law, charges can be filed against anyone 8 or older. The judge ordered a psychological evaluation of the boy.

Melnick said police are pushing to have the boy tried as an adult, but he acknowledged it's unlikely a judge would grant that motion.

"This is a severe double homicide, premeditated, and that's the right thing to do," he said. "We're going to use every avenue of the law that's available to us, but we're also looking at the human side."

Now you may need a moment here to soak that all in. Come back when you're ready. First there's many people that are just screaming to give the little niglet the chair or the gun crazed that shout out that if the parents had more guns this never would have happened because then they'd have guns to shoot the kid who took their guns. Lastly there's the Big Lebowski who would have simply said 8 year olds dude. I guess the whole matter now is if we do give an 8 year old the death row sentence we'd be trying to out-do Iran with the fucked up conservatism stance.

An 8 year old on death row would be an awesome new low in the "Lets try and out-do Iran with the fucked up conservativsm" stakes.

Who's excited for the Law and Order SVU episode ripped from the headlines?



Then this one is a little off. This dumb ass died after running away when he couldn't play video games...

TORONTO — Investigators believe it's likely Ontario teen Brandon Crisp died after falling from a tree in the rural area northeast of Barrie, Ont., but they're not sure yet how long he survived in the outdoors before perishing.

Autopsy results on the body of the teen, found just over three weeks after he ran away from home, reveal he died of injuries to the chest.

I would have felt worse if he was kidnapped or hit by a car, but this was honestly just a dumb kid. So he's not allowed to play Call of Duty on Xbox and thus he ran away from home in an act of aggression to show them. Because nothing says "I deserve to play video games" like running far away from said video game. Then to end up climbing a tree for who knows what reason and ends up dead. Stupid Stupid Stupid.



I say stupid because this who situation went from a kid turning up missing and even having Microsoft chip in 25k as a reward to finding him and then turned into a case where the kid was just a dumb ass and ran away from home, failed to climb a tree and died a painful death.

I know fall damage in Call of Duty 4 is much more forgiving. I'm sure little Brandon is calling people faggots in heaven now. Then again, I really hope there isn't an afterlife because if there is this kid has to live (...dead?) with being the world's biggest joke for all of eternity. Being a teenager, running away because he can't play xbox, and dying from falling out of a tree?

If he had spend more time outside instead of sitting in front of the TV he would have known how to climb a tree better I guess. I know there wont be any gg respawn in 2 min gogogogoogo in this kids lack of future

Then we finally have this little tyke.

Here is why I'm asking grown-ups to vote for Barack Obama. I am 7 years old so I can't vote......

My mom told me that I shouldn't base my election analysis on "feelings" (I like him/her) or "beliefs" (I share his/her beliefs) but on logical arguments. She asked me to create my own rational explanations for my support of Obama. Here is one of my arguments:

McCain and Palin are not be qualified to be President / Vice President of the U.S. The President's job is to do good for the country and the world. To do good for the country, the President must make smart decisions on important situations.

Governor Palin believes the world is 6000 years old. This is absurd. This is not a rational belief. This is a mistake. Scientists, experiments and evidence have shown this to be completely false. Therefore, she is not rational. If she is not rational, she should not be allowed to be President or Vice President.

Please vote for Barack Obama.

Why?! I understand the concern but when I was 7 I wasn't concerned about the president. I was more worried if Donatello and Ralphie would make up in time before Shredder planned another evil plot. Let the children go and be children. Yeah, we're fucking it up and getting them into major debt that their generation and the following generation after them wont be able to pay. But it shouldn't cause them to get gray hairs already. Let them live an existence of just enjoying the fun carefree days without the concern on who is president.

Shit, that stuff is inane even for me and I actually like to follow politics for the simple subject of mocking it. Let the children play. They don't need to worry about getting abused and having to kill their father and face a death sentence. Nor should they be dumb enough to run away because they can't play Xbox longer than they want to. Most of all, don't introduce them to politics yet. You're just pandering at that point.

Wont anyone think of the children?