Go Out And Get Laid Already!

Go Out And Get Laid Already!

This blog post is going to make me sound like a complete asshole. I know very well that it will paint me in a way of being a womanizer and philanderer. It's a good thing that no one really reads these or at the least I write enough that in a weeks time, this one will be buried deep in the pile of new blog post. More than likely ones that are just silly.

So while I have your attention, let's just get it out the way.. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and well, I can honestly tell you that it is possibly the best day to ever go out to a bar stag and go home with someone. Knowing their name is optional, of course. But unless you're really terrible at socially talking, which chance is you are if you're reading this off face book or twitter, you're going to stand the best chance of getting some through this basic logical action.



So what makes tomorrow such an easy day to find those who are easy? A beheaded saint, that's what. We give Jesus so much praise for dying for our sins but we fail to realize that Saint Valentine died in order for us to get our sin on. Yes, that fool was beheaded and now all these decades later, we're making sure that heads.. are indeed getting all the be-HEADING that a head can get. Thank you Pope! You finally did something right.

This corporate/hallmark holiday has made it that single people, who I really prefer to call "unattached" are singled out like complete losers because they haven't found someone to split their income with. Society tells them that you are nobody unless you have somebody to call you some silly pet name. This public shaming leads me to pretty much guarentee that if you have even the smallest amount of charm, you will get laid on Valentine's day.



But Javier, there's not going to be hot chicks tomorrow at the bar, they must be with their Boyfriends. Not so. Those who are unattached will have no "wing (wo)man" from their married/attached girlfriends. Add in that those same attached friends will be with their significant others means that there will be a slew of ladies that go out to the bars for that sort of feeling.

And don't even worry about a girl looking to hot for you to go up to on Valentine's day at a bar. The facts are these, the hotter women are the ones with the least amount of self esteem. So there's really no reason to hit on them first when you're at the bar. Why would you hold yourself back? Come on, you can't be that bad of a person and really, you just never know.



You have to remember, they are at a bar on Valentine's day. That's a sign that they're trying to look for Mr. Right.......now. Yes, you can be that lucky man that even for one night, will be a reminder to that special lady or man that they are still desired even though they don't have someone to call their Valentine. Yes. They're looking to make a mistake. If you play your cards right, by buying a drink to the ones that look the loneliest.. or in some cases over compensating in trying to look happy while they drink down that fourth appletini, then you can be that mistake.

Am I talking out of my ass? Well, I normally am but I can tell you from my crazy wild youth that I have been out there on Valentine's day and it has indeed worked. You will not need the flowers. Trust me. Don't be that sad pathetic loser walking around the bar giving flowers to all the pretty ladies. Guess what, each person you give a flower to can see exactly who else in the room you gave a flower in hopes to use the shotgun blast method of shooting a round and hoping something eventually hits.



You will be used and abused like you should be if you're trying to pull that lame ass trick. Seriously, you can skip the chocolate and forget the flowers. All you're going to possibly need is to buy them a drink. I know, I'm way off my meds here. On a normal circumstance I would never recommend buying someone a drink. But let's just walk on the wild side here and just put it out there that this simple investment shows that you can actually care enough, where no one else was willing to buy them a box of chocolates, roses or anything else. So a drink seems to be miles ahead of not getting anything at all.

Remember, Valentine's day is a sexist holiday and as a very devout Feminist I should continue to cry out about how we should not celebrate it. But believe me, this is one of those days that you can take advantage of the fact that someone else didn't pay attention to that person and they're looking for some sort of person to fill the void. Just as you're looking for some way to.. fill a void. Oh man, I'm terrible right now.



I suppose the next question you have is how would you approach someone at a bar on Valentine's day without looking like a creep. My answer? Don't. When I used to hit up the bar I would go with the mind set of going in to wet my beak. Nothing more. If you have a sort of stench of desperation in how you carry yourself, it will be sniffed out with ease. If you pull up to the bar and just sit there with a drink and carry yourself as if you belong there, then that will make all the difference in the world.

Chances are you'll have them coming to you. Yes, it may sound like a complete surprise but if you look like you're having a good time then people who are at a bar on Valentine's day looking for a good time feel that you can fill that need. I wasn't even trying to go for the double meaning in that one right there. I may sound like Barney Stinson here, but guess what, it actually does work and it makes perfect sense.



The whole purpose of Valentine's day is to make women feel special. Those women who don't feel special enough or for that matter secure enough, will seek that security in the form of a quick fling. It's just being realistic here. And perhaps this does touch on a nerve of a couple of people as I always get people complaining that I'm degrading a gender. I couldn't be doing anything more further than that. If you're secure with yourself to not let Valentine's day get you, then you will be doing something a lot more enjoyable than a random strange on Valentine's day.

Good for you. But I'm not going to pass up the chance to teach all those who aren't in the know on what the mindset of lonely singles out there. Even if I am in a very happy relationship, I think it's important to spread this word around. So to the single men and women out there who are desperately searching for that significant other.. By all means put the lid back on that Ben and Jerry's ice cream, put on that little black dress or button up shirt and go out there and get a drink at the bar. You never know, cupid may be waiting for you... or at least the Trojan condom guy.

Living Without VD

Living Without VD

I have to be honest with you folks, I don't care for Valentines Day. Here we are ten days away from that Hallmark Holiday. Ok, Nine days. Sorry, I was a bit lazy in posting this warning because I was gearing up with Superbowl related blogs. I want to remind you folks that with Valentines day comes inconvenience, cost and obligations. You have a nine day head start. I suggest you start running now.

Now this doesn't make me some cold, heartless bastard. Hell, I'm currently writing a 30 ideas for dates blog feature here. It's pretty clear that I can, when called upon, present some pretty awesome plans for a date. But I have to admit that I have no interest in limiting it to only one day when everyone else is doing it. Nor have it when stores are going to charge you up the ass for it. Valentines day has got to the point where you feel you're bent over and taking it by the flower, chocolate and card companies.

You may feel obligated to go all out with the flowers, candy, champaign or even renting out a limo for the night. Let me slap some sense into you. DON'T DO IT! Just drop out during Valentines day. You don't want to be stuck making dinner planes, reservations or hotel room deposits. If you were going to go the route of flowers you're way too late.



I saw on Costco.com a couple of weeks back that if you wanted two dozen roses and ordered them so far in advance, you'd be able to buy them on the cheap. But that road has come and gone. If you're late on that boat you're facing triple the normal prices for things that will die fairly soon. If you're going to buy flowers, buy them for your mother.

This view isn't jaded because of my heart being broken or anything like that. I'm actually perfectly happy in my position right now in life. I just feel like I shouldn't be governed by some hallmark holiday as to when and how to show my feelings. I will not be a slave to a holiday or be pressured into some sort of situation simply because the calendar says it's some day. Much like Christmas lost the meaning of being with loved ones and turned into a "What are you giving me" holiday, Valentines day may have, at one point, actually meant something. It no longer represents that same meaning

During this time of the month you see all those destroyed men come out of the wood work. When you go out on Valentines day you see these beaten down guys. You ever see someone who is wearing a jacket and tie and they look extremely uncomfortable because they're not normally wearing anything like that and it's clear that they're not comfortable? It looks like they were dressed by the undertaker. They'd rather be put in a casket than dress like that. They sit there and look like they just want to die. As if they'd rather be at a Carl's Jr. than at whatever food eatery they're at working on their prefixed meal.



So even if you're going to your favorite eating establishment you're not going to be able to order off the menu. Add in that you're going to be going out on a night where everyone and their mother goes out and you have yourself facing some massive wait times. Not to mention terrible service. I do not envy waiters on Valentines day. You have every yahoo that comes out ONLY on holidays like this so when they give you a 10% tip and act like they're splurging on you, you have to grin and bear it. Not to mention their expectations are higher because it's a "special night out" while their manager is telling them to get them fed and turn that table around to make more money off it.

To them you're another two top table that can sit someone new after you finished scarfing down your meal. It's all about turn around and not at all about quality of food or service that matters on that night. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention the overpricing for no other reason besides they can? So when your girl is looking at the menu trying to find the most expensive bottle of champaign or wine on there, just remember that it'll cost you even more than the usual over charge for a decent bottle of wine. But hey, at least they'll sleep with you right. I mean, isn't that what the booze is for?



Speaking of which, what the hell is this idea that getting sex is something special on Valentines day? That somehow the guy has to earn it by doing all these feats of strength and monetary value in order to swoon the partner? The guy is also giving sex as well. I would imagine that sex is just as enjoyable for women as it is for men. Having it be some reward or gift at the end of the night really doesn't make it sound like you're into the guy to begin with. As if you're treating sex as a bargaining chip. Talk about the ultimate version of re-gifting.

The worse part is that Valentines day falls on a Saturday this year. You're going to get stuck with a weekend outing. A weekend in Vegas or a weekend in Cancun and you're going to be stuck with the bill. Is it really worth it? I have to ask this of the ladies. If the guy wont do something for you on February 9th, what's so special about the 14th that makes them any better? It's still society forcing them to do it because it's some holiday.

No matter what though, these husk of former human flesh guys are the same ones who you'll see between now and February 13th at the mall looking like the walking dead. Perplexed by how sizes work at Victoria's Secret asking the employee that closely resembles their girlfriend to try something on to see how it looks.. "You look about her size, can you try this out for me?" It's really just sad. I follow them for fun when I'm bored. I sneak into the card stores to see these guys sweat it out trying to figure out which card that would do. The reality of it is that they don't feel comfortable saying anything that card has. You just don't feel right putting your name on that card. They'd rather get in and buy something and get the hell out. You're better off handing them $50 and telling them to go to the mall themselves. "Here's a gift card, GO CRAZY!"



I really don't blame them. I have to ask again, why put yourself through this? Valentines day is a holiday for chicks. There's nothing in it for a guy. You don't have to share kindness on that day. I don't see why I should give anyone anymore than they give me. Materially, emotionally or any other way. Most women I have known are the cheapest creatures on Earth. So when it comes to materialistic goods, they like to receive but they don't like to give. I'm not saying all women. I know a few who are excellent givers. But like they say, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Doesn't make it any less broken.

The Holiday has its roots to when the Roman Saint Valentine was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. How we get "send people chocolate and love one another" out of this makes as much sense as does Easters "Hide the Eggs from Jesus" does.

Now Valentines day has become a competition in consumerism. The girls at work are comparing the sizes of roses they get and it doesn't say anything more than "Look at how much my vagina is worth." It's the same when you see them showing off their wedding rings and it's really not very romantic.



Here's an idea that you can take to the bank. How about you save the money from those roses and you invest into something with more of a shelf life. The pragmatic approach here would be to pay your god damn bills. We're in the middle of a piss poor economy and job loss is at an all time high. How about you save that cash from flowers and you don't default on your mortgage payment. That's if you're lacking the balls to not do anything on Valentines day and you buckle into the demands.

My advice? Go out to a cool, hip looking bar. Lola's is a perfect example of this. You'll get the enjoyment out of seeing those shattered men trying to make that "perfect" evening while also enjoying a couple of drinks and then the newly single women come into play. Those others who broke it up and are just pissed about the hallmark holiday will be more than happy to drink up with you.

The easy way out is simply not answering the phone on Feb. 14th.