Saturday, February 13, 2010

Go Out And Get Laid Already!

Go Out And Get Laid Already!

This blog post is going to make me sound like a complete asshole. I know very well that it will paint me in a way of being a womanizer and philanderer. It's a good thing that no one really reads these or at the least I write enough that in a weeks time, this one will be buried deep in the pile of new blog post. More than likely ones that are just silly.

So while I have your attention, let's just get it out the way.. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day and well, I can honestly tell you that it is possibly the best day to ever go out to a bar stag and go home with someone. Knowing their name is optional, of course. But unless you're really terrible at socially talking, which chance is you are if you're reading this off face book or twitter, you're going to stand the best chance of getting some through this basic logical action.

So what makes tomorrow such an easy day to find those who are easy? A beheaded saint, that's what. We give Jesus so much praise for dying for our sins but we fail to realize that Saint Valentine died in order for us to get our sin on. Yes, that fool was beheaded and now all these decades later, we're making sure that heads.. are indeed getting all the be-HEADING that a head can get. Thank you Pope! You finally did something right.

This corporate/hallmark holiday has made it that single people, who I really prefer to call "unattached" are singled out like complete losers because they haven't found someone to split their income with. Society tells them that you are nobody unless you have somebody to call you some silly pet name. This public shaming leads me to pretty much guarentee that if you have even the smallest amount of charm, you will get laid on Valentine's day.

But Javier, there's not going to be hot chicks tomorrow at the bar, they must be with their Boyfriends. Not so. Those who are unattached will have no "wing (wo)man" from their married/attached girlfriends. Add in that those same attached friends will be with their significant others means that there will be a slew of ladies that go out to the bars for that sort of feeling.

And don't even worry about a girl looking to hot for you to go up to on Valentine's day at a bar. The facts are these, the hotter women are the ones with the least amount of self esteem. So there's really no reason to hit on them first when you're at the bar. Why would you hold yourself back? Come on, you can't be that bad of a person and really, you just never know.

You have to remember, they are at a bar on Valentine's day. That's a sign that they're trying to look for Mr. Yes, you can be that lucky man that even for one night, will be a reminder to that special lady or man that they are still desired even though they don't have someone to call their Valentine. Yes. They're looking to make a mistake. If you play your cards right, by buying a drink to the ones that look the loneliest.. or in some cases over compensating in trying to look happy while they drink down that fourth appletini, then you can be that mistake.

Am I talking out of my ass? Well, I normally am but I can tell you from my crazy wild youth that I have been out there on Valentine's day and it has indeed worked. You will not need the flowers. Trust me. Don't be that sad pathetic loser walking around the bar giving flowers to all the pretty ladies. Guess what, each person you give a flower to can see exactly who else in the room you gave a flower in hopes to use the shotgun blast method of shooting a round and hoping something eventually hits.

You will be used and abused like you should be if you're trying to pull that lame ass trick. Seriously, you can skip the chocolate and forget the flowers. All you're going to possibly need is to buy them a drink. I know, I'm way off my meds here. On a normal circumstance I would never recommend buying someone a drink. But let's just walk on the wild side here and just put it out there that this simple investment shows that you can actually care enough, where no one else was willing to buy them a box of chocolates, roses or anything else. So a drink seems to be miles ahead of not getting anything at all.

Remember, Valentine's day is a sexist holiday and as a very devout Feminist I should continue to cry out about how we should not celebrate it. But believe me, this is one of those days that you can take advantage of the fact that someone else didn't pay attention to that person and they're looking for some sort of person to fill the void. Just as you're looking for some way to.. fill a void. Oh man, I'm terrible right now.

I suppose the next question you have is how would you approach someone at a bar on Valentine's day without looking like a creep. My answer? Don't. When I used to hit up the bar I would go with the mind set of going in to wet my beak. Nothing more. If you have a sort of stench of desperation in how you carry yourself, it will be sniffed out with ease. If you pull up to the bar and just sit there with a drink and carry yourself as if you belong there, then that will make all the difference in the world.

Chances are you'll have them coming to you. Yes, it may sound like a complete surprise but if you look like you're having a good time then people who are at a bar on Valentine's day looking for a good time feel that you can fill that need. I wasn't even trying to go for the double meaning in that one right there. I may sound like Barney Stinson here, but guess what, it actually does work and it makes perfect sense.

The whole purpose of Valentine's day is to make women feel special. Those women who don't feel special enough or for that matter secure enough, will seek that security in the form of a quick fling. It's just being realistic here. And perhaps this does touch on a nerve of a couple of people as I always get people complaining that I'm degrading a gender. I couldn't be doing anything more further than that. If you're secure with yourself to not let Valentine's day get you, then you will be doing something a lot more enjoyable than a random strange on Valentine's day.

Good for you. But I'm not going to pass up the chance to teach all those who aren't in the know on what the mindset of lonely singles out there. Even if I am in a very happy relationship, I think it's important to spread this word around. So to the single men and women out there who are desperately searching for that significant other.. By all means put the lid back on that Ben and Jerry's ice cream, put on that little black dress or button up shirt and go out there and get a drink at the bar. You never know, cupid may be waiting for you... or at least the Trojan condom guy.

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