Sunday, September 21, 2008

Urine Soaked Hellhole

Urine Soaked Hellhole

Los Angeles is a melting pot and mecca for all sorts of transplants. In my daily life I come across folks from all over the world and for some unknown reason it's only those from the American North East that feel the need to tell you where they are from within the first few sentences of the conversation.
It's crazy out here. You see, I'm from New York and back there we gots culture

Seems to be the run down of how it goes. So it's with some joy that I point out how much Culture New Yorkers have.

On this Sunday you have a chance to see history. On the same night that the Yankees can be eliminated from Post season contention since 1993, you'll see the last time that Yankees play in Yankee Stadium. Then again, unless you were living under a rock you would have heard the news media circle jerk this fun fact nonstop.

It's so hard to say goodbye. No, that's not him crying
It's the tear gas from the riot police.

But I implore you to tune to E.S.P.N tonight and you'll see exactly how well cultured Greedo, Tony, Fredo and all the other gombas go into Yankee Stadium with crowbars, pick axes, pilers, hammers and any other blunt instrument to pillage the stadium of anything that isn't bolted down to take home as a keep sake of their beloved stadium.

The threat of well cultured Yankee fans tearing apart the stadium before they get their vacation time in October is so large that they had to send out a stern warning to all attending the last few games to not steal anything

Fans who steal Yankee Stadium property will be dealt with to the fullest extent of the law, but it doesn't stop there. Just attempting to take something will get you in extremely hot water.

This actually makes me want to tune in more than ever. Do you honestly think that people aren't going to be ripping apart the stadium before the first pitch is tossed? I'll be surprised if there's a third base left on the field by the fifth. As much as New Yorkers claim they love their 9/11 surviving officers of the law, they'll gladly flip them the bird and out number them in order to rip off the pissers from the restroom.

The place will not smell like piss... for at least
three or four seasons.

While I think Yankee Stadium is like the title of this piece, a urine soaked hellhole, I do have to wonder why any place that has so much history needs to be torn down. I would imagine that a city that prides itself on its culture would like to keep a historic landmark around. I wouldn't think that real estate in the Bronx can be going for much. The Roman Colisseum saw less violence, and it's still standing. If it's to get rid of the smell of piss, believe me, it's not coming off even with a wrecking ball. I think the worst part about Yankee Stadium closing is that they're not locking their fans in on the way out.

Jimmy, Fredo, Dino - Cultured to the core...

As a Dodger fan I'm thankful for New Yorks apathy towards their team. If it wasn't for New York not wanting to build the team a new park, Los Angeles would have never welcomed those trolly dodgers to LA LA land 50 years ago.

Not to mention if it wasn't for New York's knee jerk reaction and mob mentality to fire anyone when their over paid team fails to do anything productive, would the Dodgers now have Joe Torre. Once that piss hole gets torn down Dodger Stadium becomes the 3rd oldest baseball stadium still standing. Thanks for the bump up in the history books.

While many fans have special moments to remember, I think I'll fondly remember one moment in particular the most.

Yankee Stadium gets Knocked the fuck down - 2008

If only because it will issue in the last time I will be beaten over the head about the excellent craftsmanship of Ruth's building skills. It'll also be another moment I see New Yorkers tear up like little babies for two reasons;
1. Their stadium is getting knocked down
2. Their high salary team wont even make it to October baseball. A sign that while you can't script October, we have some excellent writers working on the regular season.

This child will grow up without ever knowing Yankee Stadium
That lucky bastard.

Not to mention that I think the cure for aids, cancer and anything else is Yankee fan tears. They taste so sweet. It's like a drug. Thankfully with their track record they'll be providing an endless supply of them for the rest of us baseball fans.

So grab a box of cracker jacks, get a cold one and sit in front of your TV tonight to watch the madness that is cultured Yankee fans rip the shit apart of the stadium they love so much. Just be careful to put it on mute because you'll end up getting squirted in the eye with how much E.S.P.N's typical terrible announcers circle jerk said house that Ruth erected.

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