Rioting for Retards
Rioting is a vital component of a healthy democracy. Without rioting Americans would never be able to gather in large inebriated masses and violently express our emotions. Riots are what happens to peaceful protests if you add enough anarchists and cops. They are also what happens to sporting events when you add enough beer.
I have never been in a riot, but I think I would like to try it out. I wouldn't want to be the guy who throws the Molotov cocktail or gets shot by the police water cannon. Maybe I could just kick a door a few times and scuff it up or throw a few grapes at a brick wall. I can work my way up to the real brutality like setting fire to a trashcan or spray-painting a picture of a horse on the side of a bus.
I think I would also be pretty good if they need a guy to hold a stick and raise it up and yell, "Nooooo!" I'm tall and I've got a bunch of sticks in my backyard. I can yell pretty loud.
The main thing holding me back from rioting is the idea of being tear-gassed. That and all the walking. I don't really want to spend all day walking around just to be forced to cry. It doesn't look like there are many good places to sit in a riot. I would also need to buy one of those camelbacks to stay hydrated and those are pretty pricey.
I also don't like rubber bullets. They sound fun, but I don't think they are because I read about a guy who died from one. You usually can't die from fun things that aren't drugs. Well, I guess you can die from jumping on the trampoline too high. That's probably pretty fun.
Rioting seems like it's the sort of thing everyone should do at least once. Even handicapped people should riot.
Maybe it's the bank failures talking, but I've been obsessed with the idea of handicapped people rioting since I read about the blind masseurs rioting in South Korea. Starting in 1963, masseurs in Korea had to be blind. I'm not sure why, but I suppose massage is one of the only jobs where being blind is an advantage. It's pretty much just blind massage and blind erotic massage.
Then the South Korean government decided to ruin a good thing by granting massage licenses to people who can see. This is making the blind masseurs furious since being a masseur is just about the only job they can have in Korea. In response to this they have started rioting, holding up signs, fighting with police, and jumping off of bridges in acts of defiance.
Imagine the determination that requires. Even on a purely organizational level, getting hundreds of blind masseurs together on a bridge is a major achievement. Add in the rioting and it's like one of those identical twins conventions getting crashed by dozens of sets of angry triplets.
I wouldn't even begin to know how to train a seeing-eye dog to riot.
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The obvious downside to the blind masseur riot is that it would be pretty easy for the police to stop it. They can put a ramp down in the middle of the road and drive a truck up to the ramp. When the blind masseurs march up the ramp they would be walking right into the back of the truck. When its full, the cops close the doors and drive them to the blind jail.
It's interesting to consider how various handicaps might effect rioting.
A deaf riot would either be completely silent or a cacophony of overlapping tuneless chants. The rioters probably wouldn't heed very many police warnings.
There was a riot in the Netherlands or Denmark or one of those little countries that helped the Nazis that was all people in wheelchairs. I think they were mad about ramps. I mean to say they were angry about there not being ramps, not to suggest they were wild for ramps and just expressing that.
Rioting in a wheelchair probably would be pretty easy, you would just have to accept some limitations. Dalek rules rioting. No flipping cars unless you have a really big lever. No gravel or pools. No staircases, which really sucked for them because they were pretty much protesting staircases.
A wheelchair riot could be scary for the police if the cops made the mistake of setting up their line at the bottom of a hill.
A good thing about a riot is that it creates a lot of shared memories for you and your friends. When you see that girl you like from the office you can ask her, "Hey, were you at that riot?"
That's your chance to reel her in!
"I was there," you could say. "I stabbed a lady cop in the side with a screwdriver."
Imagine how much sweeter that conversation might be if the riot being discussed was a riot of nothing but flipper babies. Thalidomide has probably been responsible for some pretty awesome riots.
If I were planning a thalidomide riot I would make a deal with the people rioting against nuclear power plants. If they let us use their gasmasks and hazmat suits we'll lend them all our flipper people. Just dress them up in some rags and they can walk around screaming incoherently like atomic rejects from The Hills Have Eyes.
My favorite disabled riot of all would be a harlequin fetus riot. I think it's purely hypothetical, because those things barely every live beyond a few months, but there's an apocalyptic riot. The line of cops would be routed and flee before the sight of baby walkers filled with mewling monsters. Their unblinking bloody eyes would transfix those riot police with the courage to stay behind and in the final moments of their lives they would turn the water cannons upon themselves.
Now I just have to think of something harlequin fetuses might be violently against. Skin? Do they hate pupils?