Monday, July 4, 2011

100 Things About America

100 Things About America

So in honor of the day of its birth, some really piece of shit fortune money website did a pretty blatant American propaganda piece for this July 4th celebration. Who would have ever guessed? But this list consisted of 100 things that make America so awesome.

The list... well, the list is a big pile of shit. I mean, it has just about everything that I hate about America. There's nothing on there to be proud of.
Sometimes it's easy to overlook our country's glory. For the second year running, we present 100 outstanding things about the U.S.A.

1. Opportunity
We live in the land of it. It's knocking. And all the other adages -- all true.
2. The Interstate Highway System.
Road trip! Jack Kerouac, Hunter S. Thompson, Chevy Chase -- and you.
3. The Sears Tower
Naming rights are well and good, but the Willis Tower is still Sears (SHLD) to us -- and still the nation's tallest building.
4. Wal-Mart employees in Joplin, Mo.
Store employees saved lives during the tornado. Now that's service.
5. Navy Seals
They get the big jobs done, and they don't talk about it.
More than sports, it's a cradle of pop culture, coming from an unlikely-ville: Bristol, Conn.
7. FedEx
The iconic trucks with their orange-and-purple trim always come through.
8. Steve Jobs
The brain behind the iPhone, iPad, and iEverything finally managed to get the Beatles onto iTunes. What can't this guy do?
9. Whole Foods
It's a locavore market, it's a scene -- and if you bring your own reusable bag, most stores will knock a dime off the bill.
10. Microsoft Word
RTF, PDF -- these mean little to us. The doc is king.
11. Ford F-150
The bestselling pickup truck of all time.
12. The Rockefeller Family
The towering bloodline is synonymous with oil, power, and New York City, but its legacy includes Colonial Williamsburg, MoMA, Acadia and Grand Teton National Parks -- and much more.
13. Caterpillar
When you stick your neck out to gawk at a construction site on the highway, notice it's always Cat (CAT) machinery?
14. Detroit
Motown's rise, fall, and -- we hope -- rise again.
15. The Kindle
Savior to trees and book publishing alike.
16. Duct tape
Everyone's first fix-it choice. Just ask MacGyver. Or MacGruber.
17. The Bill of Rights
The big 10, baby. (We're especially partial to freedom of the press.)
18. The Wall Street Bull
The market may be struggling, but tourists keep coming to get a photo with its iconic symbol.
19. Carlos Santana
If you didn't already have "Oye Como Va" in your head, you will now.
20. Pappy Van Winkle Bourbon
Kentucky-made, by one family, since 1893.
21. LinkedIn
Facebook for grownups -- and a hot IPO too.
22. Colin Powell
Statesman, retired four-star general, and child of immigrants: an American story.
23. Bill and Melinda Gates
Money getting money to pledge money.
24. GEICO commercials
Always clever (though we prefer the gecko to the guy in the suit and the cavemen).
25. The Mississippi River
Our country's largest river system -- and muse to Twain, Faulkner, Zeppelin, and Cash.
26. Ben & Jerry's
The only thing better than its AmeriCone Dream is the "flavor graveyard" on its website.
27. Bose noise-canceling headphones
It took a Massachusetts company to make ignoring your neighbor on an airplane socially acceptable.
28. Self-stick stamps
Our tongues are rejoicing.
29. The Boeing 747
The most popular commercial aircraft in history.
30. Warren Buffett
Even after Sokolgate, he's still the Oracle, and friend to the likes of No. 23 -- and No. 33.
31. Summer Friday hours
"Out at 3 p.m." -- sometimes meaning "out after lunch."
32. Poland Spring
Better than Perrier.
33. LeBron James
Will America's biggest loser become a sympathetic figure? The story of next season ...
34. GPS
Invented by engineers at MIT. Which is where, exactly?
35. Daily deal websites
Discounted things to try, eat, and buy are just a click away.
36. Friday Night Lights
The book, the TV series, and the cult of Coach Taylor.
37. Budweiser beer
No, not Bud Light. Budweiser. Now Belgian-owned, but still all-American.
38. "American Pie" By Don McLean
"Drove my Chevy to the levee" -- the laziest rhyme ever that works.
39. Jay-Z
From rapper to Roc-A-Fella.
40. Louisville Slugger bats
Trusted by pros, softball leagues, and homeowners concerned about intruders.
41. Kevin Spacey voicing Honda commercials
And no one even knowing.
42. Zappos
All hail the king of free shipping ... both ways.
43. Oscar Mayer hot dogs
The Weiner that has managed to retain its dignity.
44. SEC football
'Bama, LSU, Auburn, and even Vandy -- the league to watch, every year.
45. TMZ
Everyone's first stop for gossip (but you don't read it ... right?).
46. Music festivals
From Bonnaroo to Coachella, you're never too old to go.
47. Glee
You should be watching, if just for Jane Lynch.
48. Hank Aaron
Before Hank Paulson, the original Hammerin' Hank -- a home-run king without an asterisk.
49. James Taylor
Even if you're not crazy about his voice, a great American songwriter.
50. Tom Brady
The model-marryin', best-lookin', best-tossin' quarterback in the country.
Red states, blue states, and a season that lasts ten months a year. Truly America's sport.
52. The Great Gatsby
Did anyone not read this in high school? A remake of the movie is in the works starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby and Tobey Maguire as Nick Carraway.
53. Gatorade
From the University of Florida to national hangover beverage -- okay, it's a sports drink too.
54. Sandusky, Ohio
It's known for its roller coasters, but it also has a 13.37% job-growth rate -- the highest of any metropolitan area in the country in the past year.
55. Times Square
The lights, the shows, the crowds, the tourists (the jury's still out on the new pedestrian plazas).
56. Aretha Franklin
At 69, she's still -- and forever -- the Queen of Soul.
57. Independent bookstores
Powell's in Portland, Ore., Kepler's in Menlo Park, Calif., the Strand in New York City.
58. 60 Miniutes
At 43 years, the longest-running primetime show is also the most successful broadcast in history, with 82 Emmys.
59. Clif Bars
The iconic energy bar. Yes, it's come to this.
60. Seinfeld
Yadda, yadda, yadda.
61. Diet Coke
That perfect bubbly taste you can feel slightly better about drinking.
62. Gmail
So easy to use, so customizable, so much storage. Well done, Gmen.
63. The Grand Canyon
Still the not-to-be-missed family vacation.
64. Men and Women serving in the U.S. Armed Forces
65. Clint Eastwood
And now, in his latest incarnation, drinking PBR on his porch in Gran Torino.
66. E-ZPass
No more tossing coins through your window -- keep on cruising, and they'll send you the bill.
67. Jonathan Franzen
From The Corrections to Freedom, they're a long time in the writing, but worth it.
68. Windex
An S.C. Johnson product, an American idea!
69. Michelle Obama
A formidable presence who's brought her own form of glam to the White House.
70. Gibson les Paul
Namesake instrument of the electric guitar pioneer who died in 2009.
71. Morton Salt
Who doesn't instantly recognize that little girl with the umbrella?
72. The Kardashians
Only in America would the family of O.J.'s lawyer become an institution.
73. Jeff Bridges
He was the Dude. And then he was the Dude again, in Crazy Heart and True Grit. And we love the man.
74. Nike
From Eugene, Ore., the Swoosh outfits athletes everywhere.
75. Prom
Not the new movie but the American ritual: limos, boutonnieres, slow dancing, and all.
76. Diners
Stainless steel, swivel counter stools, and breakfast anytime.
77. Old Spice
Those quirky ads brought it back into the public eye, but the iconic red stick has been sweetening your scent since 1938.
78. Disneyland/Disney World
Parents and kids simply say they're "going to Disney."
79. Philly cheesesteaks
Pat's, Geno's -- or Jim's. Often imitated, never duplicated.
80. Xerox PARC
The Silicon Valley lab where Ethernet and laser printing were born; a veritable genius center for the hatching of big tech ideas.
81. Tina Fey
Don't judge Bossypants by its cover: She's a comic genius.
82. Blogging
We're all writers now. Uh-oh ...
83. Politicians who Tweet
For better ... and for way worse.
84. The Gulfstream G650
It's fly like a G6, because it is one.
85. Coppertone sunblock
Now owned by Merck (MRK), and sporting the same logo of the girl and her dog since 1953.
86. Food-labeling requirements
So that we can't eat red velvet cake guilt-free.
87. Drive-in movies
Believe it or not, there are still some 400 left.
88. Exxon Mobil
Hardly loved by all, but the most profitable company on the Fortune 500. And that's American right there.
89. Sesame Street
The place for the ultimate celebrity cameo.
90. Starbucks
How does it come up with new flavors of Frappuccino that seem to cost just slightly more than the last one?
91. Brian Williams
Hard not to like his brains, humor, and 30 Rock appearances.
92. Mark Zuckerberg
From Facebook to cookbook? Zuck will now be eating only animals that he kills himself.
93. Vineyard Vines, Ralph Lauren, J.McLaughlin
Preppy clothing brands outfitting Nantucket-goers and wannabes year-round.
94. Sully Sullenberger
The man, the legend, the miracle maker, and now the aviation expert at CBS News.
95. Steven Spielberg
Jaws, Schindler's List, Jurassic Park, E.T., Saving Private Ryan. Boom.
96. Girl Scout Cookies
Creating Thin Mint addicts across the nation.
97. Subway
Jared's sandwich shop dethroned McDonald's (MCD) this year as the biggest fast-food chain in the world.
98. Jeopardy!
Answer: America's favorite quiz show. Question: What is Jeopardy!?
99. The Pulitzer Prize
Identifying our best and brightest in journalism, literature, and music.
100. National Lampoon's Vacation
The Griswolds' epic cross-country adventure (see Nos. 2 and 63). What better way to kick off summer?

--List compiled by Daniel Roberts, Eno Alfred, Tara Moore, Colleen Leahey and Fortune staff
That final part where it mentions who is responsible for compiling this utter piece of shit list should not be written. At the very least if I had any part of this work for hire rushed bullshit, I would beg and plead that they NOT put my name on there. Forever on, these poor souls shall be known as taking part on what has to be one of the worst list ever created.

Is this list actually suppose to be a parody? Because seriously, it's just a random assortment of bullshit, celebrities nobody will remember in 20 years, a slew of worship of the wealthy, food, and even more food. Mixed in with a bit of gadgets you can buy at a strip mall in some Thailand village, and nonsensical shit like politicians who tweet and blogging.

Oh wait, I'm pretty sure I just described what America consist of.

With that said, Americans are proud of the dumbest things imaginable. I bet if you ask someone, they'll be like "Uhhh, I'm proud of the freedom, and you can buy things and stuff", which is exactly what Americans are sure proud of even though those very same freedoms are being revoked at break neck speed.

You can tell when a nation is doomed when they have to put they are proud of land rovers on a list instead of having Universal Health Care. But hey, we have Geico Gecko, saving us money on our auto insurance while spreading an American legacy.

This list is capitals 100 favorite things about capitalism. Nothing more. Why else would Exxon Mobil be there at number 88? What the fuck is wrong in someone's mind to make them say that Exxon Mobil is one of the best things about anything? I'll tell you what..

Why else would anyone bother to claim that they are what makes America awesome. There really isn't a single thing on that list that isn't a massive profit maker for someone. The writers of this shit list probably just ran out of ideas 10 minutes into making this list and then just went through their porfolio and added everything that was making them money. Why the fuck else would you put Morton's Salt on it?

At the very least Mortons Salt hasn't ruptured massive pipeline that spews tens of thousands of gallons of crude into famous waterways. And the Rockerfeller Family? Really? Just look at their description and realize someone wrote this trying to spin it in a positive manner..
12. The Rockefeller Family
The towering bloodline is synonymous with oil, power, and New York City, but its legacy includes Colonial Williamsburg, MoMA, Acadia and Grand Teton National Parks -- and much more.
I mean, fucking seriously? Then you have 33. LeBron James as well as 72. The Kardashians.

All I have to say to that is FUCK AMERICA!

All those people who wrote this list are fucking idiots. Don't get me wrong. I like America. Or at least I think I do. But for none of those reasons. Self-stick stamps. Cliff Bars. Diet Coke?!


All of these sure sound like first world problems. But to add Diet Coke to the list is awful. I would drink a regular Coke right now just to spite them, but it would only spite them in the way that I will acquire diabetes and be yet another name to add to the list that is destroying any chance of health care in our country.

I wonder how come Television's "Repo Games" isn't on this list. I guess the best things in life... sometimes you just take them for granted.

And Navy Seals? Seriously?! Those fuckers sure sneaked onto this list, didn't they. And for what? Shooting an unarmed 60 year old civil engineer in the face. Why yes, that is indeed 'A Big Job'. Maybe it was for crashing a super fancy top secret stealth helicopter into a wall. Another big job. Though I have to say that I'm a little impressed that they only crashed one this time. As opposed to the last time.

Then you have the interstate highway system on there at #2. That's classic as we lead towards Carmageddon in two weeks when the 405 closes between the 10 and 110. Why yes, how awesome is that highway system after all? Maybe there should be an honorable mention to The Suburbs.

I'm pretty certain that this whole list is just a way for the author to hope that they get paid in mentioning these random capital things.

You know what's an even better list of exactly 100? This one. Hope you have 35:21 to kill.

Because there are exactly one hundred ways to love a cat. Not more, Not less. Much like there's 100 ways to love capital. One hundred loving waaaaays, Way 1: Keep the people hungry! One hundred loving ways.

The worse of all of this is that we really don't have any freedom in this country. Not when the police wont let me launch incredibly dangerous rockets that explode into thousands of tiny bits onto public property to celebrate my freedom. Free country my ass.

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