Thursday, July 14, 2011

Harry Potter - More of My Ranting

Harry Potter - And The Deathly Boring Ranting

Hey, don't blame me that I decided to spread my rambling on to another blog post on this subject. I got the idea directly from the movie. Sadly though, I think more of the books should have had the two film treatment.

To be honest, half of the last book was complete and utter trash. Okay, a little more than half of it. I would probably read the parallel story to Ron/Hermione/Harry on a scavenger hunt that lead to nowhere, in which it would take place during that time with Nevile and Ginny stuck fighting a guerrilla war at Hogwarts.

In fact, this is exactly what everyone I know who has read the 7th book has said. Just picture it. Neville all stalking the halls of Hogwarts, killing dudes and then carving the dark marks off of their arm and forging a grotesque necklace out of the flaps of skin, a wooden canister at his waist full of the wands of those he has bested that he just plays like a shaker as he stalks his prey from the shadows.

Tell me that would not be shit loads better than having to deal with Ron, Hermione and Harry bitch and moan to each other while being completely fucking lost in the fucking forest.

It does seem very unlikely that the evil wizards could ever conquer the whole world because there's like 30 of them and their best attack spell is slightly better than a medium-caliber handgun. Which also brings up a good point. What the fuck are the rest of the wizards doing? There's clearly at least several thousands of them in England alone vs. a couple dozen dudes. Most of whom are barely a match for children.

And another thing, I never actually got the point of the curses. It's such a lame cop out. For the longest time the kids are told that these curses are unforgivable and can never be used for any reason, but then every character uses them constantly for the rest of the series. Even when they're used by the good guys they're all justified and forgiven. So... kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

It's also way too easy for anything. All you have to do is know how to wave a stick and mutter some fake Latin and you can pretty much make anything and then enchant it to do everything else. Like, somebody who isn't shitty at school could just grab a matchbox and turn it into a really rad truck an enchant it to fit an entire house then shrink the whole thing back to matchbook size and carry around their house full of stuff wherever they went.

orrrrrrrrrrrr you could spend a year learning Fera Verto, a spell that makes animals into water goblets.

Which I have to admit I never fully understood. You can't turn nothing into food, but you can make a rat a fucking Goblet? What the fuck kind of sense did any of that make? But you see, all of these are pretty justified reasons to pick at the franchise. As a fan it's only natural to critique it a bit.

I just find it funny that after all this negativity, I can still defend the films.. well, at least the franchise. Cause yeah.. the films were... well, they're the films alright. But to all those folks who keep on harping on how this is a kids book. Guess what, that was the case 12 years ago when it was released in 1999. Guess what age those 11 year old readers of the franchise are now?

Yeah, that's right. the majority of those kids that were young and got into Harry Potter are now doing upside down keg stands at your local university and are in their early to mid 20's.

So by discarding this franchise as something only for children, you pretty much have alienated yourself from a perfectly good pool of hot young women. Way to go there, champ.

It's the best choice a single guy can make towards getting a geek girlfriend. And hey, I hear being a geek isn't a bad word anymore.

But basically it's true. Being a geek, nerd or whatever towards something like Harry Potter or Star Wars just means you're normal and like pop culture type of things. Remember that the next time you meet some fan of the franchise and roll your eyes.

Besides, it's like you're stepping in time when you read Harry Potter. Especially since the HP stories take place in the 90's.

Yeah, that's right. The books take place in the 90's. Harry Potter started Hogwarts in 91, and he defeated Voldemort in 98. Oddly enough when the first book actually started coming out. And oddly enough when I graduated High School.

The 90's were also the last time period where magic makes any sense anyway. If you set Harry Potter in 2011, all the muggle born wizards would refuse to give up their internet and iPhones for this sort of whimsy magic bullshit.

And since this is potentially my last sort of rant on Harry Potter, I gotta say it again, Goblet of Fire is one of my least favorites of the Harry Potter films. It felt seriously rushed and has some really strange pacing issues. It starts off even stranger than you would expect. Harry waking up at the Weasley's house, then they are teleporting somewhere else before going into a tent. Then it jumps to the stadium and back to the tent all within moments. Then you have the explosion and death eaters are all around with Doctor Who making a cameo all before they are whisked away and on the train to Hogwarts.

Would it have killed you to add two minutes of the Quiddich World Cup? It may have helped convince the audience that it's an actual sport and not just dodgeball on broomsticks that magic students play.

The ending made no sense if you haven't read the book. Harry and Voldemort duel, some ghost show up and something happens. Later Harry ask Dumbledore what happened, he mumbles a line, doesn't explain anything and moves on. If you haven't read the books then I'm sure you would be wondering why ghost suddenly showed up.

Goblet of Fire could have used at least 20 more minutes tacked on to it. Hell, just split the movie into two parts, it really needed it. In fact, all the movies after the third could have used some more run time on their film rolls. I'm not sure why they were afraid of making a longer movie. People will still watch and there's a lot of stuff happening in them to keep kids entertained. It all comes down to wanting to have the most turn around for times played per day and how much you can make per day in box office take in's.

Though I'm really glad that Snape's back story is apparently getting its due. It's probably the best narrative the entire book has going for it. So to finally have the films catch up, that's good news.

And with that, Harry Potter comes out tomorrow... and that's that.

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