Monday, July 18, 2011

Obama Says The Darndist Things

Obama Says The Darndist Things

Later today President Obama will be making a personal announcement in Rose Garden. Well, that's according to NBC News. And while I was going to write a long piece about how the 405 closure was so not an issue in the L.A. traffic scene and how we're morons for feeding into the hype, let's take some time to speculate about the announcement before it gets leaked out.

But before that, my first question is why the rose garden? Why can't he do it from an aircraft carrier like the last president did when expressing empty promises and worthless lies. Anyhow, on to the speculations. He's probably going to open up with this:

"The revolution begins now. destroy capitalism"
-Nobel Peace Prize winner Barack H. Obama, opening fire onto the press.

Though it's much more likely that he'll surprise us with the news that we're invading someone else. Or maybe he's finally going to spend all the political capital he's been building up and saving under the mattress.

Because really, announcing that we are putting ground troops in Libya would probably be the most grunt inducing news possible. Though it's probably just going to be yet another boring talk about the debt ceiling that leads to nowhere.

Probably something along the lines of "In the spirit of bipartisan compromise" with him burying poor people alive in a massive pit in Kansas. Because that wouldn't surprise me.

Nor would it surprise me if he just passed legislation that outlaws Russia from existing. The bombing begins in five minutes.

But wait, this was suppose to be a personal message. Maybe Michelle is preggers!? Sasha's knocked up? No, that's just wrong. Maybe he'll respond to Charlie Sheen...

He's probably going to walk towards the camera, clear his throat and look straight into the lens, seemingly staring into the soul of each and every citizen watching and announce

"My fellow Americans," he begins, and in one swift motion he grabs his chin, tears his face off, and flings it aside. But what he has revealed underneath is not a skull of a human - It is the cackling face of Ronald Reagan.

Okay, that's what my worse nightmare is.. oh wait, that's reality. Maybe he'll just go ahead and apologize for the crimes of the imperialist states of America and do something strange like kill himself live on camera.

Or he could just get to the podium and start screaming until he's led away by secret service. Either of the options would make him look as sane as he currently does.

You want to really find out what he's going to say? Look no forward. This is exactly what he will be saying in front of the camera.

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