Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Zookeeper...

The Zookeeper...

Yeah, I'm going to subject you to this trailer but mainly because I want to just mention how god damn awful it is.

So based on this trailer, half of the movie is a product placement for T.G.I.Friday's and the other half is the zoo animals explaining to the fat schlubby zookeeper that he needs to embrace a sociobiological perspective to win the heart of the conventionally attractive blonde woman that is well out of his league, but who he will inevitable end up with at the end of the movie.

I'm guessing, based on that trailer, that during some point of the actual film the male lion has to explain to the fact schlubby zookeeper that he must murder the conventionally attractive blonde woman's children in order to drive her into estrus. I mean, that's how lions do it with any other male's offspring, right.

Then you have the scene where the zookeeper and the gorilla are driving to a T.G.I.Friday's while listening to some rap song that is about 2-3 years outdated. But seriously, why did they make this into such a T.G.I. Friday's commercial? I mean, does your average American go to shitty sit down restaurants that often that you needed to relate to them by highlighting that dump of an establishment?

Then you have the bear explaining to the schlubby zookeeper that because of his high level of gender dimorphism in human beings, woman naturally want to mate with the most high status, or alpha males. Therefore he must never allow a potential rival to control the situation. This is achieved by placing an order for a blooming onion, on sale now at T.G.I. Friday's.

You should probably go to one now and order it just to show how much of an Alpha male you are.

I mean, you've seen the trailer, can you honestly tell me you want to see a movie where a frog suggest he flare his throat pouch to attract this hottie, only to have the fat zookeeper answer that the only pouch he's got is a wallet.

Which leads to an awkward pause where the frog croaks leeringly and they fist bump over endless bread sticks at Olive Garden. Cause you know, that's how Frogs roll when it comes to affordable, yet classy sit-down dinning plans.

I would say we should hire a hit-man to take him out, but given his career choices, I can only pray that it's a career suicide that will take him out of all of our lives.

Wait, I'm not that lucky, am I? Fuck this shit.

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