Saturday, July 30, 2011

How To Be A Better Woman

How To Be A Better Woman

So I saw this on the internet and I figured it should be highlighted and talked about, cause, I mean, it's all about how women can be women...

Remember, that this isn't satire.

Now you may be thinking to yourself that this is completely sexist. I have news for you, it's written by a woman so it clearly can't be sexist. Duh! That's not to say that it does nothing more than reinforce terrible gender stereotypes and thus should be mocked. Which is where this blog steps in.

First off, I like how they say "Any female readers", when it could have easily said "Our female readers". It's as if they're not sure they actually have any female readers at all.

Though, I guess if anyone knows how to be a woman, it is an actual woman, right? I guess it's only fitting that only a man can tell you how to be a man. Want to know? Here's how to be a man..

-be an incurious bloody minded shit
-contribute to rape culture
-play video games
-disdain art
-disdain anything that isn't profitable or immediately pleasurable for you right now
-hurt everything weaker than you

Don't you know, man. There'd be no more wars if all penises were cut off!! ARGRH! Though such statement goes against the old testament. But you probably shouldn't question someone's religion too much.

I've often heard the classic begrudging moans of a boyfriend at the market or CVS saying shit like "Fuck, buying my girlfriend tampons is soooooo embarrassing!" before. Which has also been carried over into television and films plenty of times and I still don't get what the big deal is?

Is it because vagina's are disgusting if they're not completely wrapped around a dick? How dare your girlfriend ask you to do something that causes you to be mildly inconvenienced. But then again, buying tampons? Pfft, Clearly you're just not man enough to knock her up on the regular.

Or maybe your girlfriend is just too damn fat. Since, you know, if she were skinny enough she wouldn't be menstruating at all. Even if it's just hormones response related to very low body fat that causes the menses to stop. Athletes get it very often.

But seriously, the ultimate guy thing to do is to be in a relationship with a woman where she clearly does everything for you while you do nothing for her. Just remember, if you do a thing for the woman, you are a whipped pussy. Way to show who's wearing the pants in the relationship.

But even after all that, I still don't get the fucking frozen bread thing. It's clear that whoever wrote that knew a girl who put bread in the freezer and so now the dude thinks all women do that.

I'm not sure I get it. Putting bread in the freezer all of the sudden makes you lose your balls? I'm so very confused on this one. Hey, why don't you just freeze berries and chunks of fruit and eat them during the summer time.

Putting bread in the freezer signifies that you have other foods to supplement bread long enough for it to go stale. Which clearly implies an excessive level of personal income. How about you eat shit, you fucking bread-havers!

You could go to a local bakery and ask them if you can have unsold bread at the end of the day. If you say you'll use it to feed ducks or pigeons or something not selfish, they'll often just give it to you. Then you get awesome bakery bread instead of really shitty supermarket bread that has who knows how much chemicals in it and is typically way more in cost.

Then you get on to the final aspect that is.. mind boggling. Quirkiness. What the fuck? Oh man, if you want to get on the fast track to being quirky, be scared of armadillos... but not really, tee hee!.

Quirky defined should be someone like Zooey up there. Isn't she so quirky? Is what a large amount of people would say if you took a survey of them. Because really, isn't she? In fact, I think that is a pretty good rule. To be a better woman you need to be like Zooey Deschanel. That is to say you should sing, make cotton commercials and be in a show that will last less than a season.

You know what would really cement yourself in the halls of quirky history. You could combine a couple of the things on this post. Perhaps you could be scared of frozen bread. Now isn't that the cutest thing you ever heard of? Awwwwwwww.

This whole article is based on one really shitty piece done by some nobody woman who probably hates herself. No, I'm pretty clear she does. Or maybe I just don't understand. Could be that it's just one of the long list of things that men don't understand. Take for example the things straight males don't understand about lesbians.

When it comes down to it, this just ends up being a case of "We have a page to fill, please write something politically incorrect with tits for a nice writers fee"

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