Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Deadliest Warrior - Saddam Strikes Back

The Deadliest Warrior - Saddam Strikes Back

Every now and then whenever I feel like I don't hate myself enough or to see how clearly fucking drunk I am, I like to flip the channels and land on SpikeTV. If Manswers is on I will just commit suicide, but if they are showing what has to be one of the worse shows around, The Deadliest Warrior, I'll tune in to see how terrible this sucker can actually be.

The answer to that is "God damn insane" The show is basically made up of picking two random things in history and pitting them against each other for no reason other than they can. In this instance they did something really fucking crazy - They pitted Saddam vs Pol Pot

You have to love the little speech they did about how this episode is totally okay because it's important to understand evil so you can smash it when it rears it head. We need to smash it with a Carthaginian battle flail which can crush a pigs' carcass at 20 rods!

We have to investigate this evil! our first warrior:
Sadam hussein 6'2 215lbs - big guy

Pol Pot 5'9 194lbs

Okay, let's move on..

You sort of have to love this shit in a sick and twisted manner when you're completely drunk because it's a huge spectacle that makes no fucking sense. Though maybe I was just watching the Star Wars prequels. Spike seems to show those a lot also.

Anyhow, back to shooting latex dummies that are filled with strawberry jam...

It's comical to watch when the Cambodian dude comes in out of nowhere and they start playing mournful cello music after they just blew up a car and talked about the "intimidation fact" of "seeing your leader with his chest on the floor"

Now I bet you're wondering who won this little cluster fuck. I mean, you don't really want to watch all that and NOT realize who came out as the ultimate evil. Though I'm pretty sure you're guessing it's Saddam. Well, here's a little shitty cam version of the final battle.

I have to say, that's pretty good action scenes for a low budget SpikeTV show. Here I thought they blew all their money trying to get Entourage.

So yeah, spoiler alert: Saddam Hussein pops the last Khmer rouge in the head after surviving a car ambush/Car crash in a ripped and dirty white t-shirt all Die Hard style. And then he does a little fist pump at the end saying Allah Ackbar.

A bath party boss saying Allah Ackbar is pretty icky. I mean, just think of it. A Panarabist atheist boss of a party founded by a Syrian Christian dude saying Allah Ackbar is just all sorts of proof of good research done in preparation to all this. Arkana would be proud of this.

It's hilarious towards the end where they used results from each "Test" and "plugged the numbers" into a "simulation program" that looked like excel full-screened. Supposedly created by experts. Then I guess it said which side won and then they had a mock battle based on it. Not to mention that the weapon choices are all so arbitrary.

Back to the victory itself. Of course Saddam would have won this. He had to be toppled by America where as not even America could prop up Pol Pot. It just reeks of showing off how awesome America is. But this is all moving past the point that the fight made no fucking sense.

At the very least they could provide some sort of minimal framing narrative for the final battle, like, imagine if Iraq shot a scud at Cambodia, forcing Pol Pot to invade in retaliation.

I wonder if they'll do FDR versus Kubhilai Khan, which would make equal enough sense. That just seems to be the way this show works. They once did a Viking vs Samurai battle and the vikings didn't even have boats. They literally gave no regard for context or reason for fighting beyond it being like a Video game where they wanna smash at each other until all the hit points are gone.

It's terrible when they talk about their revolutionary battle simulation system that they use to determine the outcomes. I assume it is just a Microsoft excel spreadsheet. Why yes, this revolutionary battle simulation system that's made by game designers.. in fact, the very skilled game designer who made the deadliest warrior game.

Which I guess is part of the problem. You can feel that the creators of this are just pitting two random groups/people/class against each other without rhyme or reason. Just cause they can. Hell, they had one where they pitted the IRA vs The Taliban. It was really bad and had stated that the IRA's secret weapon was a fucking slingshot. I'm surprised that they didn't give the Taliban an airplane as a secret weapon.

And if you thought that one was odd, you haven't seen anything till you've seen Nazi's vs. Vietcong.

Let's just take a moment to reflect on what was just shown. The Vietcong were poor farmers fighting in defense of their country from another imperialistic invasion and they just got lumped into the same category as the Nazis.

Besides that, the Vietcong fought nearly 30 years of continuous war against France and the US and got both of them to crawl home licking their wounds and muttering about "Soviet aid." The SS weren't even close to the best soldiers in the Wehrmacht, like not even in the same conversation.

Honestly, how did they even come to the realization that the SS would be able to kill the Vietcong, unless the battle was framed in the context of fighting in the mall of America. Even then, I bet the Vietcong would find some way to wage psychological guerrilla warfare by posing as ride operators and Starbucks Baristas.

It's really strange that people believe the Waffen SS were the "elite" of the third reich's army. There was a good number of units of extremely capable Waffen SS, especially in the Panzergrenadier division but by the war's end in 1944 it was a mish-mash of highly experienced veterans and fanatical nutjobs with no tactical abilities beyond rushing at enemy tanks screaming loudly like in a very bad match of company of heroes.

It's also not like the most terrifying SS divisions weren't all mechanized or armored, which sounds like a great way to fuck yourself over in a fictional engagement with the Vietcong. Just imagine a Tiger II tank getting stuck in the mud and how long it will take along with how much man power it uses up to get it out.

One that really pissed off a lot of people was Samurai vs Ninja's. Though they totally used the ninja that everyone sees today and thinks is accurate for some reason. The ninja you see in literally anything ever are about as accurate as the assassins of assassin's creed are to their actual crusades-era namesakes. The real "ninja" probably resemble a more mercenary feudal version of the IRA than a bunch of mystical shadow warriors

When you think about it, Ninjas are really proletarian heroes. Well, not so much proletarian but heroes to the proletariat. You know what I mean.. I hope. But setting them up as some elite shadow monsters is a disservice to all the upper class parasite blood those brave peasants spilled.

What also annoys me about the show is how serious the host are. And then when you realize they are all ex-navy seals, the supposed elite fighting force of the United states, it just makes you realize how awful the industrial military complex really is. But I guess that's all in the contract. They must tell them that if they act serious and play with historic weaponry on camera, they'll pay them two million dollars a year. So it's really not that hard to understand why they all seem to have raging hard-on's for this shit.

Though it is pretty scary when you consider the number of very public fuck-ups by the "elite" tactical groups that war porn junkies like to go nuts over, like the seals can't even kill a dude without losing a multi-million dollar helicopter to the Chinese and the Mossad gets the details of their operations caught on tape because they know there will be no retribution, well I think the general conclusion should be that their mystical reputation is a Hollywood fabrication at best.

Don't see it the same? Well, the Elite super soldiers with multimillion dollar individual gears have been known to do the following things:
* keep the lights running and kill the batteries on their vehicles and thus aborting the mission
* shoot at each other in the presence of enemies
* shoot at each other in the absence of enemies
* treat their night observation devices like cinder blocks and breaking them (weird since they are pretty tough)
* break bones in their feet through improper manipulation of live ammunition (break a foot through carl gustav rocket dropped on foot)
* turning up drunk for work
* turning up high for work
* somehow confusing cover and concealment
* believing in America
But even if these war porn fuckers are deciding which evil to smash first, the dumbest shit of all this is when they did William Wallace vs Shaka Zulu. Shaka Zulu's mid-ranged weapon was spitting a poison mist, so they got some doctor to talk about what would happen if he spit in your eyes. He goes on about how it would be extremely painful and probably rob you of at least part of your vision, but then comes to the same stupid question the show's idiot hosts trot out every single fucking episode -
"But would it be a killing blow?"
And of course it won't, so their glorified excel spreadsheet puts down a '0' in the kills column under poison spit and Shaka loses because his weapons just aren't deadly enough, and holy fuck this is very likely what goes for enlightened military analysis in America. To be honest, I shouldn't be surprised by any of this.

Just remember that when America intervened in Haiti in the 90's, enlisted men were given briefings on watching out for witch doctors with poison blow dart guns. Literally. In the 90's. This was Official Warning Information.

I guess the lesson to take away from all this is you shouldn't watch SpikeTV.

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