Thursday, May 21, 2009

I Got So Drunk...

I Got So Drunk...

As I sit here sober on a Thursday morning... which really shouldn't come as a surprise. I mean, it's fuckin' Thursday morning, what sort of drunk do you have to be in order to be sauced at this early hour on the weekday? You better have a good excuse. Like it was your Birthday last night or you simply don't care about any 12 step programs. Something like that.

Anyhow, where was I? Oh yes. As I sit here on a Thursday morning I'm reminded of a time I've been so drunk. But then I realize that I don't remember much of anything in my normal life, let alone when I'm well passed the drunken-zone. So I can't remember much. Good thing that I had this planned out and I asked others, in a quick and random IM window on times when they were drunk.

Yes, when they were drunk. It comes to no surprise that my friends are shifty fellas. But let's just call a spade a spade. We've all been there. One (or five) drinks too many and you can't remember what the fuck you're doing and what you're doing to it. Let me take you on a trip through the world and horrors of what some people did when they were way too drunk to remember.

...Puked so hard a football went three feet.

.... I got so drunk that I aggravated my Vagus nerve and had a seizure while taking a piss at 4 in the morning. I fell backwards and hit my head and elbow on the porcelain tub. I'll never forget the REAL blackout I had. Every muscle in my body cramping like crazy, and I couldn't get up/open my eyes/do anything to stop it.

...rode an elevator in a hotel up and down, stopping on every floor. When the doors would open on each floor, I would dance around screaming the floor I had stopped on. There were also tourists attempting to use this elevator I had commandeered.

.... Blacked out and ended up in a hospital on New Years. Have no idea what happened for about a 5-hour time frame.

..... Passed out on the sidewalk and got taken to the hospital with a lethal BAC (.4)! No insurance, $2800 bill.

..... I got so drunk that I .... fucked a fatty.

...I pissed my pants a fair few times, and on my girlfriend's clothes once, only one outfit though and it was already dirty.

.....went to an Ashlee Simpson concert.

...turned the black toga I was wearing into a cape and then ran around Wrigleyville in nothing but said cape and boxers telling every person I saw that I was Batman and that I was keeping them safe/making sure their night was good. I later woke up in my lawn in the suburbs in time to see my friend's car backing out of my driveway. What happened in between will forever be a mystery to me.

...pissed out of a window 3 stories up.

... pissed out of a moving car window. You should remember that night, you were driving (Let's just pretend I was drunk and don't remember...)

..... Danced on the top of my friends car leaving a dent in the roof so big that when it rained water would collect.

... woke up in a swamp covered in mud with no pants or shoes and I had somehow fashioned a make-shift pair of shorts out of a t-shirt by putting my legs through the arm holes. I had never seen that T-shirt in my life

..... I had my name staple gunned into my ass once.

.... Decided to blow a fireball. First attempt was unsuccessful. But coated my face in everclear Second attempt worked like a charm - And lit my face on fire... Still kinda hurts. Guess chicks dig scars though.

.... Thought NewsRadio was funny when Andy Dick was on it, forgot how to turn off my Tv, somehow logged onto amazon and ordered the first 4 or 5 seasons on dvd.

..... I got so drunk this new years, I ate an entire 2lb block of cheese in about 20 min. My body is not happy with me.

...that on my friends birthday at the steakhouse I blacked out after ordering my steak, I remember ordering it and then I remember it being done, oh well. -Oddly enough, I have done the same thing. Only at fred62 and I don't recall how it was ever eaten.. or if I did the eating.. Maybe not though. I was puking waaaay too much to enjoy anything from there.

....I got so drunk that I threw up all over my poncho. Aye carumba.

....walked home for 3 hours in the wrong direction and then got a ride home from the cops. My legs were pretty sore the next day

....Too drunk to put the key in my front door, I fell asleep on top of my backyard picnic table, only to be awoken about an hour later by a skunk eating from my pile of vomit on the ground.

....I drank a whole bunch of beer and then thought it'd be a good idea to make a gin&tonic with half a pint of gin. there were a few hours of stuff I don't remember, and then I woke up on the floor outside the bathroom and was hung over for two days.

....asked my girlfriend to marry me.

....I almost fucked a good friend's wife. Almost because I got whiskey dick. We were both fucked up and didn't talk about it at all afterwards. I felt like total shit. He cheated on her all the time though, not that that's an excuse. He's my good friend after all.

.....Drunk dialed England

.....Told a gay work colleague that if I was gay, I would *do* him (took a while to live that down)

.....Vanished many a time mid party because I got too drunk and I just go into homing pigeon mode

.... Took a piss in a McDonald`s cup, and gave it a full on kick down the street. I then dared the people around me that they couldn`t kick a cup of piss further.

... Woke up my dad at 4:00 AM just to tell him that he is an alright guy.

....Grabbed a girl by the tits, THEN proceeded to introduce myself. Surprisingly, we became good friends.

.... Uttered the phrase "Fuck off, I'm not drunk... I just had too much to drink."

....Asking an Irish police officer if I could borrow his car and gun for science on my first night out in Ireland. After I asked him, he looked at me funny, I lost my balance and just fell flat out on the street with my back hitting the curb. Resulted in a massive blue/red bruise.

....Repeatedly told the Dj he was a cunt for not having Men at work - Land down under

....Got into a fist fight with a Christian preacher.

...Made out with a parked truck

..... Woke up in my truck in a neighborhood I'm not at all familiar with with 4 seasons of Seinfeld on DVD in the truck with me.

.....let my cousin stitch up an inch long gash in my finger with sewing thread and a hook needle rather than go to a hospital. Luckily I dont remember the pain I experienced, but they tell me it wasnt pretty.

.... decided the "absinthe ritual" was unnecessary and continued to drink the 180-proof liquor straight from the bottle. Later the cops showed up and I fell down a wrought iron spiral staircase trying to walk to the basement.

..... got trashed while listening to a southern rap mixtape, decided it was the coolest thing ever, bought plastic "grillz" off of ebay

..... I paid for porn. Apparently I wanted "the good shit". Not the worst 40 bucks i ever spent, but pretty unnecessary.

..... I took off all my clothes and played wii bowling naked, in a room full of people at a party.

.....I got so drunk that I ran around the house pretending I was a T-Rex. Some time later that night I convinced a sober person to drive to Wendy's and bought two Baconator meals; one for me, one for her. (A true gentleman, I must say)

.... I woke up in the middle of the playground that I had never been to before. I didn't even recognize the neighborhood and I had no cellphone. I had to ask some lady walking her dog where I was.

....I have a bad habit of swan diving into bushes when I get drunk. They just look so soft and comfortable, but they never are. The last time this happened my shirt got a huge tear in it, so my friend decided she would rip it off of me. It was pretty cold out, so I was trying to convince my friend to let me have one of his shirts. I guess it looked like we were fighting, with me being shirtless and covered in little cuts from the bush. The next thing I know an ambulance pulls up next to us and the driver stares us down. I wave him off and tell him that everything was fine, but he stayed there for awhile until someone else finally convinced him to leave.

.... one night at a party with an open bar with a couple of different fruity selections, my date and a friend were just passing me drinks that they didn't like/want to add in with the drinks I was consuming. About 9 or 10 drinks into it I completely blanked out besides coming in and out and puking a storm at various locations. Had my girlfriend take care of me while I puked what had to be the contents of my stomach from the last few weeks, the trooper that she is, and got me all cleaned up for work the next morning by throwing my ass in the shower. Got a text later after apologizing for the ordeal saying "Don't worry, you kill the bugs and I'll take care of you when you're drunk." What a sweet heart. (Now that's a keeper)

.....Came out of the bathroom and sat on a couch at the bar across from a cute girl repeatedly telling myself I could easily go home with her. Apparently I sat there for about 40 minutes before my roommate snapped me out of it telling me he had headbutted a painting and broke the glass in a drunken feat of strength to the other patrons and that we needed to go fast.

.....Woke up the next day with holes and dents in the door with blood all around, a huge hole in another wall, my roommates bath towel racks all broken in half and thrown in the tub, my dresser knocked over with all my drawers emptied all over my room, and the rest of the apartment pretty messed up. I have no fucking idea what happened after we blacked out, but I guess we had some sort of rampage. Neither of us are violent drunks, haha.

...aimlessly danced in front of a bonfire and proceeded to get run over by a dirt bike driven by someone equally or more so intoxicated than I. I don't remember this happening and woke up in the back of a friend's truck 2 towns over. After a few days of people asking me if I was OK someone kindly explained to me why my entire chest was black and blue. Mystery solved.

.... Woke up, still drunk, in the bed of my friends moving pickup truck. Took me a good 2 or 3 minutes to figure out what the fuck was going on. Nearly killed both of us when I banged on the back window and scared the shit out of him. Never figured out how I ended up there.

.... Smashed a pumpkin in the street on Halloween and explained to a cop who happened to witness it that it was okay because I had just gotten back from serving in Iraq.

... I've woken up under hotel ice machines more then once

.... I got so drunk that I apparently picked a fight with a telephone pole. Apparently the pole won. I had bruised knuckles for a week after that.

.... Drank 160$ worth of liquor the night Obama won and stumbled around telling people to punch/slap me in the face because I couldn't feel it, then proceeded to call everyone a racist

..... I got so drunk that I managed to lose one sock. I was wearing 20-hole army boots at the time, and they were both on and fully laced when I woke up - I was just minus my left sock.

.... I got so drunk that i stole all the pens, pencils, staplers, and whatever i could stuff into my pockets from a Dennys counter while i was paying with my credit card at 4am.

... Got so blown on Jager and a large number of joints that I thought it was a good idea to stomp on the Jager bottle I had thrown in the street. Cut to me limping to the side of the street, untying my shoe and turning it upside down and just pouring blood out. For some reason one of my friends thought that putting my foot in a tupperware container full of water would stop the bleeding.

.... Wandered the streets of San Deigo after comic con one night moving trash cans and hiding in bushes. Eventually the group of other like-drunken friends of mine found our way to a 24 hour pizza hut in a greyhound bus station. Got back to the hotel room at 4 and passed out on the hotel room table. Woke up at 5 laying on two of the chairs, got showered and went to comic con where I bought plenty of rob liefeld books. My excuse is that I was still drunk.

.... Redirected roadworks cones so that one lane became a dead end.

.... I punched a Santa Claus while out at some club during Christmastime, and I don't remember this.

.... got 86'6 from applebee's. Applebee's. Yes, applebee's.

So there you have it. Just a sample of the many stories of what people have stupidly done when drunk. So if you're feeling like your head hurts a little from partying from last night.. (A WEDNESDAY?!?! THAT'S COMIC NIGHT!) then don't worry, there's people that have done far worse.

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