A Series of Tubes - Being A Complete Ass About Ted Stevens

A Series of Tubes - Being A Complete Ass About Ted Stevens

Early on in the day yesterday I was able to use this series of tubes to find the following news story

A U.S. government official says former Sen. Ted Stevens is believed to have been aboard the airplane that has crashed in Alaska.

The official tells The Associated Press Alaska authorities have been told the former longtime Republican senator is among several passengers on the plane. The official, who spoke on grounds of anonymity, says Stevens' condition is unknown.

So, Ted Stevens, did you survive the plane crash?



Looks like he was on a... plane to nowhere.

Ted Steven's life, tragically cut short, at the vibrant age of 86. It's always sad for a parent to outlive his or her child, and when asked for comment Mr. and Mrs. Stevens responded, "Mmmmmmmmehehhaheahehahaehehahh eeeeeeehhhhhgggg hheeeeeefhdfhdfjfhggg".

The thing that saddens me the most about former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens dying in a plane crash is that Momma Grizzly, Sarah Palin wasn't on that plane with him. But at least my other prayers have been answered. Maybe God does exist after all.



One thing about Ted Stevens though, he died the way he lived. On a plane to a fishing trip sponsored by lobbyist. Essentially that's what happened. Capitalist scum was killed by his own excessive consumption. Praise marx!

Doesn't he know that the remote area 325 miles southwest of Anchorage is not a place you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of pipelines tubes! I mean, this dude did a lot of unethical bullshit. Like, remember that time he got off because the prosecutors screwed up? I do wonder how much money one can fit into a suitcase.



But you see, it wasn't all good luck. Former NASA administrator Sean o'Keefe was also on that flight and survive. Why am I mad that he made it? Let me remind you that the shuttle Columbia was lost on his watch due to exactly the same kind of institutional complacency that led to the loss of the shuttle challenger and which NASA vowed would never happen again.

Besides that, he's the current CEO of EADS, and if he wasn't profiting off war he couldn't have afford to get on that plane in the first place. So god damn you, plane crash. I wanted to say my good byes to that Space Cowboy.



Moving back to Stevens. This isn't his first brush in with death. In 1978 Ted Stevens survived a plane crash where 4 of 6 passengers died. I'm willing to bet that he's one of those guys who would eat the other passengers to survive.

Then there's his wife who died in a plane crash years ago and now he finally dies in one. Maybe his wife was haunting the plane he was in. This was so totally one of those Final Destination films. Only Death really fucked up in waiting 32 years to finally play catch up. Either that or planes really fucking hate this guy.

When you factor in that his wife died in a plane crash, his stance in being Protective of Alaska aviation was pretty ghoulish.

A former senior federal aviation-safety official says that former GOP senator Ted Stevens, who is reported to be among the missing in the crash of a small plane on Monday night in a remote area of Alaska, was “very protective” of an “aviation culture” in Alaska, which sometimes involved risky flying practices that might not be tolerated elsewhere in the United States. CBS is reporting that Stevens died in the crash.

hey we can't have big government bureaucrats telling us how we can fly our planes and... oh shit, what was that? what was that sound? ohhhh god oh god... the plane is going down oh god the wing is on fire we're going to slam into that cliff OH GOD AHHHHHH



You know, my greatest wish is to die in an appropriately comedic fashion. What more noble pursuit is there than to provide your fellow man with a brief moment of mirth, even in your demise. I mean, I get that all life is Precious(: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire) but I have no problem getting a good laugh out of this.

Some of us spend every day in constant bliss because we know people are dying every second and it's amazing. Most of them are dying boring deaths, but there's that rare exception when it's just filled with total irony.

Remember that one asshole doctor on ER who got his arm chopped off by a helicopter and then later a helicopter raped his wife and the final piece of irony was that a helicopter fell and smooshed him good. Good times. George Clooney was dreamy in that.

But in any event, with Ted Stevens, hopefully someone filmed the crash and it's longer than 10 minutes so they have to upload it as a series of Youtubes. God forbid an 86 year old man die in a plane crash instead of going out the way God intended, painfully wasting away from terminal cancer and spending the last years of his life hooked up to a series of tubes see what I did there?

Fuck it, I'm ending it with a Remix!

Run, Sarah. Run

Run, Sarah. Run

Editors note: This was written before the events that occurred yesterday and was set to be posted later this week. But because she went bat shit insane and resigned, I think this needs to get bumped up some. Also, it's the fourth of july, do you think I'll be re-touching this piece? Yeah, go blow yourself... Or some fireworks....

Add to my ongoing list of things that are wrong in this nation.. Sarah Palin. I mean, first she was running for Vice President. And really, why I didn't vote for her.. Well, it's because I have common sense. Why any of you would? I don't know. I mean, come on. Someone should have ran her back to Alaska.

Well, we did.. and much like a flock of sea birds, Sarah Palin is constantly running for something..

I'm not going to post the article here. It is hilarious to read though, so if you happen to like laughing your ass off at the few choice quotes I put up, well then, it's well worth the laughs of clicking through and reading the rest. So join me as I attack this feminist and Alaska governor...

"Last May, Todd asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day. I said, 'Give me an hour for my run and I'll be happy.'"

Yes, who would take a tard baby running? I do not know. Oh wait, I do. A tard baby momma. Ugh, I hate the fact that I just said that, but it's true.. why would you run with a baby like that?

The sad thing is that the stroller cost more than most small income families make in a month.

"I used to joke around with John McCain during the campaign about coming jogging with me. And once I asked him what his favorite exercise was, and he said, 'I go wading.' Wading. He lives on a creek in Arizona, so he goes wading. That cracked me up."

If she's trying to identify with the average American in hopes for a 2012 election bid, perhaps she might want to pick a different activity. It's not as if running, or for that matter moving, is much of a American past time.

"It's so cool to go out on a summer night at 10 or 11 o'clock with the sun still shining and the beauty of Alaska right there at my feet. Winter isn't as much fun, but even when it's 20 or 30 below and pitch black, I still try to get out. I just put on tons of layers and bigger shoes so I can wear two pairs of wool socks."

Look at my toned legs! Look! Guys, vote for me because I'm pretty! She goes on about how she could beat Obama in a race one-on-on.

"When I run, I'm totally incognito because I'm not wearing the trough full of makeup. I can go running through a mob of tourists and they don't recognize me."

I have to say that her legs are like three shades more tan than her face. Is that photography lighting even balancing it? I don't speak as a lighter on this. I mean, maybe I'm just stupid and Alaska sun is different, but she has to be wearing the fake tan leggings that they wear at Hooters in these pictures.

"I get spooked once in awhile when I'm running a trail and I hear a rustling in the woods, but it just makes me run faster and get the heck out of there."

I mean, Bear just love this as it triggers their natural hunting instinct like crazy. Hopefully we will have a bear mauled governor up in here as they are getting more active around the trails this year.

"In Anchorage on the coastal trail there have been many times where I've had to stop right in my tracks and turn around because there's been either a moose standing there staring at me or a moose's butt plopping on over into the trail. I have to turn around and leave or I'm going to get clobbered."

"It doesn't matter your background, your demographics, your race, your political affiliation, it's such a uniting, healthy, fun, awesome activity. It cracks me up going to some running event and seeing some dude who campaigned so hard against me, or a lady who's been blogging some mean comments about me. But we're all there together and we're smiling and we're having a good time because we're going to do something healthy and active. We need more of that."

I'm getting worried about 2012 guys... can't run from being an insipid, reactionary yokel. I mean, you have to admit that it's pretty bad form to just throw the American flag over the back of a chair like that. It's not a god damn arm rest, now is it?

I mean, notice how she can sound intelligent when it comes to how much she loves to run but you all remember her during the debates, don't you? You guys should really read through the Q&A, it's hilarious.

"I feel so crappy if I go more than a few days without running. I have to run. No matter how rotten I feel before or during a run, it's always worth it to me afterwards. Sweat is my sanity."

I just have to wonder how many middle-aged conservative men are beating off right about now... Ugh, I don't want to have that image in my head anymore.... Neither of them!

CAPTAIN BUZZ KILL: LEVi JOHNSTON'S SPECIAL POST ELECTION MESSAGE

bY LEVi JOHNSTON

LEVi ALL UP IN THIS GRILL

WELL....

Shit is over doggies and it looks like your boy Levi ain't gonna be no duke of no America. Even a week later my phone is blowin up like party balloons with all these media people try to call me to get my reaction. I've been passed out since last tuesday night when Mrs. Palin showed up with two bottles of Jack Daniels while I was huffing glue and oh boy, it was on. So what's I gots to tell you media fucks anyway?

I am like my crazy lil' nigga trib. That dude just stare off a million miles away and don't give no fuck about nothing. A bigass beetle could crawl up on his head, crawl right over his eyeball, and dude does not give a single fuck.

I am just like that shit. I am zen as hell. Unfazed by this nonsense.

Whatever happens to mrs. palin and that old dude, there will always be hockey and beers and titties and unless Bar Roboma is way worse than commie and abolishes huge juicy titties and beers then I will survive.

If that shit happens, well, I dont want to mess around with secret police guys but I will have to pull a jersey up over that bitch head and skate him into the glass.

fuck all yall for makin mrs palin cry

So what will Levi Johnston do with his life?

Not Bristol AAAHHAHAH. Bitch is fat as hell and talking about "my back hurts" and "take me to get amniocentipedes" or some shit and I am like "bitch your mom and gandalf got fucked up by a black dude there aint no way I am haulin your fat ass around to get some bugs" and then I popped a wheelie on my new honda and peeled out down the street!!

I am through playin nice. Team playin is for the ice. When I am off the ice I am playin for keeps with just me, Levi Johnston.

I got to look ahead to my careers and what fine ass guts I want to get up in. One thing I noticed is people are all talkin about some shit was in newsweek where they had all these crazy shit and all these little facts that they kept secret until now. Like here is one:

At the GOP convention in St. Paul, Palin was completely unfazed by the boys' club fraternity she had just joined. One night, Steve Schmidt and Mark Salter went to her hotel room to brief her. After a minute,Palin sailed into the room wearing nothing but a towel, with another on her wet hair. She told them to chat with her laconic husband, Todd. "I'll be just a minute," she said.

TODD is a DOUCHE

Yo, I admit it, that is where I got that word "unfazed" I looked it up and it means "bad ass" or something like that.

Anyway, big deal seein mrs. palin in her towel I seen her with her titties hanging out one time and I was like "fuuuuuuuuck" and I was gettin all pumped up and ready to do her hard and then I looked over and todd was sittin there without a shirt on on the couch and he was smilin that lactonic motherfukcer.

I didnt want a part of that scene so I said I had to take a dump and I left. Point is, if everybody is talkin about this shit there must be big money in these crazy ass factoids about the campaign and shit.

Well guess who has got all the craziest shit you can't even imagined? Me I am the dude who got that shit.

Of course I am not gonna give up all the good ones here, because I got to get PAID son. Levi wants to fly and these wings ain't free.

So here are some factoids. Consider these to be samples of just some of the iceburgs of which these are only the tips.

• 

  some csi dude will wonder why this moose was shot with pieces of a headlight
• The first time I got on the plane with todd he stared at me in the eye and then he just ripped this big huge fart. He kept staring at me and he kept going and going and then that old dude walked by and he made this face like he was scared of some shit, which it was some fuckin freddy krueger ass music goin on up there. Later I heard the old dude talkin to himself and I got the impression that dude for some reason thought he was the one who ripped the nasty fart.
• For about a month I didn't know which chick the old dude MacCain was married to and I accidentally felt up cindy MacCain and she was like, "oh levi that feels hella good and I want you to do me but I am married to that old as fuck dude" and I was like "oh shit girl I'm sorry I meant to be grabbin' on your daughters titties" and then she was like "no I take it is a compliment" and I said back to her "yeah most women do." And then I ripped that ass up, but actually I ended up with cuts on my dick cuz there is some weird shit goin on with her pussy. Call her ass the juicer.
• If you get too pumped up watchin the oilers get killed and you keep demanding MacCain give you some love up top eventually he gets really pissed off and calls you some names. If that happens do not push the dude over a table because some serious rod gobblers from the secret police will bust in and throw you around.
• One time I was seein if there were any hot ass bitches in the back of the plane that want to drill baby drill with the johntson not knowin they were reporters and one bitch said "who are you votin for" and I was all "I never vote dumbass thats retarded as fuck" but they started askin hypotheticals and hypothetic I am voting for tongues on my ball bag but they were all like "old dude or black dude" and I was like "guess I am votin black dude cuz old dude is a fucking faggot" and then they twisted my words all around and put them up on drummage report or some shit.
• Mrs. Palin has never killed a moose. They got all these pictures of her with mooses but pretty much todd is a drunk fuck who cant drive and he hits mooses all the time with his truck and then to keep him from getting hit with three strikes law and then he cant race snow machines mrs. palin always is posing up on those dead bloody ass motherfuckers and acting like she hunted that shit down. Yeah, okay, well then I hunted about 15 raccoons, a dog, and two homeless dudes in the last month alone.
• When she was mayor of wasilla mrs. palin secretly spent 150,000 dollars from special homeland security money on this van with all these cameras thats supposed to help with terrorists. When some people got all mad about it she pretended to sell it on ebay but really she just gave it to her cousin who hunts sasquatches. No luck so far, but if that hair motherfucker hides behind a wall they can still see him with one of them cameras.
• Me and bristols baby trink ain't really a retard he is just lazy as fuck. If you put a rattle in his hand he's just like "fuck that" and he drops that shit on the ground. Have you ever seen him move on TV? Nope, because he don't move. My guess is he will start movin about age of 16 or so when he sees his first pussy.

Anyway, those are just the boring ones. I've got way better facts I could hook you dudes up with if you got the cash.

Back to the crab monster and the bear corpse.

As for me, well, I am sad to say folks this is the last time you will probably hear from me. The whole family is goin back up to alaska and up there the internet only works for like 2 months of the year. We got to check all our email and do all our banking before the magnetic fields or aurora borneolis or whatever fucks everything up again.

Honestly I was running out of shit to say anyway. Maybe I would have come up with some new shit if I was a duke and had my own wizard and a palace and shit, but that was not meant to be. I hope whoever the black dude makes into a duke is as cool as me. Ha ha ha doubt it.

Mrs. Palin will be cool. I know some of yall are worried about her but she will be just fine. She has a huge beautiful house she got the contractors from that hockey rink to build for her for free, she has got a giant ass crab monster in her office to cheer her up, and any time she gets really freaky and wants to hook me and bristol up with some kinky shit I am down. I will even let her videotape it, but todd cant be in the room I cannot keep goin with that fuck watchin and making all them loud breathing sounds.

Fuuuuuuck. Anyway, I'm gonna go get tore the fuck up and out.

Peace, fags!

- Levi "HOckey" Johnston