CAPTAIN BUZZ KILL: LEVi JOHNSTON'S SPECIAL POST ELECTION MESSAGE

bY LEVi JOHNSTON

LEVi ALL UP IN THIS GRILL

WELL....

Shit is over doggies and it looks like your boy Levi ain't gonna be no duke of no America. Even a week later my phone is blowin up like party balloons with all these media people try to call me to get my reaction. I've been passed out since last tuesday night when Mrs. Palin showed up with two bottles of Jack Daniels while I was huffing glue and oh boy, it was on. So what's I gots to tell you media fucks anyway?

I am like my crazy lil' nigga trib. That dude just stare off a million miles away and don't give no fuck about nothing. A bigass beetle could crawl up on his head, crawl right over his eyeball, and dude does not give a single fuck.

I am just like that shit. I am zen as hell. Unfazed by this nonsense.

Whatever happens to mrs. palin and that old dude, there will always be hockey and beers and titties and unless Bar Roboma is way worse than commie and abolishes huge juicy titties and beers then I will survive.

If that shit happens, well, I dont want to mess around with secret police guys but I will have to pull a jersey up over that bitch head and skate him into the glass.

fuck all yall for makin mrs palin cry

So what will Levi Johnston do with his life?

Not Bristol AAAHHAHAH. Bitch is fat as hell and talking about "my back hurts" and "take me to get amniocentipedes" or some shit and I am like "bitch your mom and gandalf got fucked up by a black dude there aint no way I am haulin your fat ass around to get some bugs" and then I popped a wheelie on my new honda and peeled out down the street!!

I am through playin nice. Team playin is for the ice. When I am off the ice I am playin for keeps with just me, Levi Johnston.

I got to look ahead to my careers and what fine ass guts I want to get up in. One thing I noticed is people are all talkin about some shit was in newsweek where they had all these crazy shit and all these little facts that they kept secret until now. Like here is one:

At the GOP convention in St. Paul, Palin was completely unfazed by the boys' club fraternity she had just joined. One night, Steve Schmidt and Mark Salter went to her hotel room to brief her. After a minute,Palin sailed into the room wearing nothing but a towel, with another on her wet hair. She told them to chat with her laconic husband, Todd. "I'll be just a minute," she said.

TODD is a DOUCHE

Yo, I admit it, that is where I got that word "unfazed" I looked it up and it means "bad ass" or something like that.

Anyway, big deal seein mrs. palin in her towel I seen her with her titties hanging out one time and I was like "fuuuuuuuuck" and I was gettin all pumped up and ready to do her hard and then I looked over and todd was sittin there without a shirt on on the couch and he was smilin that lactonic motherfukcer.

I didnt want a part of that scene so I said I had to take a dump and I left. Point is, if everybody is talkin about this shit there must be big money in these crazy ass factoids about the campaign and shit.

Well guess who has got all the craziest shit you can't even imagined? Me I am the dude who got that shit.

Of course I am not gonna give up all the good ones here, because I got to get PAID son. Levi wants to fly and these wings ain't free.

So here are some factoids. Consider these to be samples of just some of the iceburgs of which these are only the tips.

• 

  some csi dude will wonder why this moose was shot with pieces of a headlight
• The first time I got on the plane with todd he stared at me in the eye and then he just ripped this big huge fart. He kept staring at me and he kept going and going and then that old dude walked by and he made this face like he was scared of some shit, which it was some fuckin freddy krueger ass music goin on up there. Later I heard the old dude talkin to himself and I got the impression that dude for some reason thought he was the one who ripped the nasty fart.
• For about a month I didn't know which chick the old dude MacCain was married to and I accidentally felt up cindy MacCain and she was like, "oh levi that feels hella good and I want you to do me but I am married to that old as fuck dude" and I was like "oh shit girl I'm sorry I meant to be grabbin' on your daughters titties" and then she was like "no I take it is a compliment" and I said back to her "yeah most women do." And then I ripped that ass up, but actually I ended up with cuts on my dick cuz there is some weird shit goin on with her pussy. Call her ass the juicer.
• If you get too pumped up watchin the oilers get killed and you keep demanding MacCain give you some love up top eventually he gets really pissed off and calls you some names. If that happens do not push the dude over a table because some serious rod gobblers from the secret police will bust in and throw you around.
• One time I was seein if there were any hot ass bitches in the back of the plane that want to drill baby drill with the johntson not knowin they were reporters and one bitch said "who are you votin for" and I was all "I never vote dumbass thats retarded as fuck" but they started askin hypotheticals and hypothetic I am voting for tongues on my ball bag but they were all like "old dude or black dude" and I was like "guess I am votin black dude cuz old dude is a fucking faggot" and then they twisted my words all around and put them up on drummage report or some shit.
• Mrs. Palin has never killed a moose. They got all these pictures of her with mooses but pretty much todd is a drunk fuck who cant drive and he hits mooses all the time with his truck and then to keep him from getting hit with three strikes law and then he cant race snow machines mrs. palin always is posing up on those dead bloody ass motherfuckers and acting like she hunted that shit down. Yeah, okay, well then I hunted about 15 raccoons, a dog, and two homeless dudes in the last month alone.
• When she was mayor of wasilla mrs. palin secretly spent 150,000 dollars from special homeland security money on this van with all these cameras thats supposed to help with terrorists. When some people got all mad about it she pretended to sell it on ebay but really she just gave it to her cousin who hunts sasquatches. No luck so far, but if that hair motherfucker hides behind a wall they can still see him with one of them cameras.
• Me and bristols baby trink ain't really a retard he is just lazy as fuck. If you put a rattle in his hand he's just like "fuck that" and he drops that shit on the ground. Have you ever seen him move on TV? Nope, because he don't move. My guess is he will start movin about age of 16 or so when he sees his first pussy.

Anyway, those are just the boring ones. I've got way better facts I could hook you dudes up with if you got the cash.

Back to the crab monster and the bear corpse.

As for me, well, I am sad to say folks this is the last time you will probably hear from me. The whole family is goin back up to alaska and up there the internet only works for like 2 months of the year. We got to check all our email and do all our banking before the magnetic fields or aurora borneolis or whatever fucks everything up again.

Honestly I was running out of shit to say anyway. Maybe I would have come up with some new shit if I was a duke and had my own wizard and a palace and shit, but that was not meant to be. I hope whoever the black dude makes into a duke is as cool as me. Ha ha ha doubt it.

Mrs. Palin will be cool. I know some of yall are worried about her but she will be just fine. She has a huge beautiful house she got the contractors from that hockey rink to build for her for free, she has got a giant ass crab monster in her office to cheer her up, and any time she gets really freaky and wants to hook me and bristol up with some kinky shit I am down. I will even let her videotape it, but todd cant be in the room I cannot keep goin with that fuck watchin and making all them loud breathing sounds.

Fuuuuuuck. Anyway, I'm gonna go get tore the fuck up and out.

Peace, fags!

- Levi "HOckey" Johnston

Back In Black

Back In Black

Welcome to a new reality. President Obama is our first black President. A totally new day. Then again, it's nothing new in my world. The world of screen. I've seen many a black men stand in the position that Obama is today. Sure, it doesn't take anything away from his role as the future Commander and Chef, but at least by drawing some comparisons, we can see what other fictional Black Presidents can do in the White House.

President Lindberg - "The Fifth Element"

The first Black President comes to us from two hundred and fifty years in the future. It’s true, he can’t enunciate his words particularly well but so what! Just knowing this man, with the intelligence of a grapefruit, was able to rise up to become the President of the United Federated Territories lets me know the future is going to be a great place. Thankfully, I’ll be dead by then. For those unlucky enough to not be dead, cab driver Korben Dallas (Bruce Willis) for example works to save the planet from extinction with the help of Ruby Rhod (a whacky role played by Chris Tucker). Dallas saves the world, but only because President Lindberg (Tommy 'Tiny' Lister) said so. He's a hard as nails crazy S.O.B of a President. Someone who Russia's leader Dmitry Medvedev wouldn't dare threaten with a missile attack. Unless of course he wanted his ass handed to him.

President David Palmer - "24" (Seasons 2 and 3)

No, this is not an All-State commercial. Which reminds me, I need to pay my auto insurance. President David Palmer (Dennis Haysbert) may be seen on ads hocking you low car insurance rates but he's better known to me as the black President from 24. He was elected by the people and targeted for death, protected by Jack Bauer. This President took one crazy hand shake that almost took him out, only to come back and kick some major terrorist ass. He knocked heads with his shady ex-wife, Sherry Palmer, who sort of reminds me of Michelle Obama for some reason. He couldn't dodge the bullet two seasons later and was assassinated. Maybe he should have had that wall of bullet proof glass set up for his office windows. R.I.P

President Wayne Palmer - "24" (Season 6)

David Palmer's death paves the way for his younger brother Wayne (D.B. Woodside) to move into the Oval office. Which is rather strange that not only is there two brothers in the white house, but they are actually brothers. Since this is the 24 universe his presidential career is no easier. He helps free Jack Bauer's release from the Chinese government, fakes a nuclear bombing, is severly injured by an explosion at a press conference, and ends up in a coma by the season's end. I mean, come on. Can't a brother get some peace and quit? Then again, this shows that you'd elect two black men into the office before a Women, let alone a Hispanic. Gee, thanks a lot. I'm feeling the love here.

President Mays Gilliam - "Head of State"

"Head of State"

Chris Rock takes to the white house, and not for some comedy special. His character, a fired D.C. official Mays Gilliam, gets his party’s nomination for presidency he can hardly believe it. But after speaking his mind about society’s ills (as well as hiring a Klan member to endorse his White opponent) this underdog seems to be the rise. So it's easy to see that he had to do a little bit of Republican dirty tricks to get into the white house but hey, whatever gets you in the door. What's not to like about Chris Rock as President? He tells it like it is and is funny as all hell. I'd elect him a second time around.

President Darth Vader... er... um.. Douglas Dilman - "The Man" (1972)

The Lion King was once the President. Yeah, that's right. Darth Vader was the first black screen president. When the President and Speaker of the House are killed in a building collapse, and the Vice-President declines the office due to age and ill-health, Senate President pro tempore Douglas Dilman (James Earl Jones) suddenly becomes the first brother in the Oval Office. The events from that day to the next election when he must decide if he will actually run challenge his skills as a politician and leader. To think that in 1972 the very idea of a black man in the Oval Office to 2008 when we actually will have one seems like they're a life time apart. I'm really glad that we made it to this day.

President Beck - "Deep Impact"

And finally we have one of the most dignified Presidents around. Sure James Earl Jones has the voice, but Morgan Freeman has both that and the look. But talk about shit luck. Instead of hearing him talk to us about the plight of penguins, Morgan Freeman is dealing with the East Coast getting wiped out when a comet is set to collide with planet Earth. President Beck here has devised a plan to save a million lucky people to keep the human race going. Who makes the list? Well, Beck does, of course. Talk about hope and change in a big way. At least Obama doesn't have to worry about any burning rocks from the sky in his administration.. Wait, what's this?

Meteor Shower Could Spur Bright Fireballs

The Taurid meteors, sometimes called the "Halloween fireballs," show up between mid-October and mid-November, but Nov. 5 to 12 will likely be the best time to look for them this year, taking into account both their peak of activity and the effect of increasingly bright moonlight on viewing conditions.

After the Moon sets – around 11 p.m. local time on Nov. 5, later on subsequent nights – some 10 to 15 meteors may appear per hour. They are often yellowish-orange and, as meteors go, appear to move rather slowly. Their name comes from the way they seem to radiate from the constellation Taurus, the Bull, which sits low in the east a couple of hours after sundown and is almost directly overhead by around 1:30 a.m.

Meteors – popularly referred to as "shooting stars" – are generated when debris enters and burns up in Earth's atmosphere. In the case of the Taurids, they are attributed to debris left behind by Encke's Comet, or perhaps by a much larger comet that upon disintegrating, left Encke and a lot of other rubble in its wake.

Indeed, the Taurid debris stream contains noticeably larger fragments than those shed by other comets, which is why in certain years – and 2008 is predicted to be one – this rather elderly meteor stream occasionally delivers a few unusually bright meteors known as "fireballs."

Oh well. Looks like we're heading into a Deep Impact situation. It'll at least be nice and bright as we get blown up. My regret here is that I had hoped we'd be getting a Chris Rock comedy for the next four years.

A Guid To Voting On Super Tuesday

Hey California, Print This Out and Take it With You Next Tuesday

This is very simple. Print this out and take it with you on Tuesday. Consider it your last minute cramming to the American voting system. As we speak newspapers throughout California are printing op-ed pieces that reflect the local interests of their readers (i.e. whatever agenda the media company that owns them wants them to print). Especially of interest are California's wacky propositions that only serve to further convolute our state's laws, creating a rich tapestry of contradictions and confusion that rivals the Holy Bible.

A picture of democrazy in action. Hehe.

2008's ballot measures are a doozy. There are the usual suspects, initiatives that sound really good but really only benefit the ghost of Hitler, extravagant bonds that pay for kind of useful crap, "think of the children" nonsense, and the "parental notification" one that's going for a three-peat defeat. Then there's the anti-gay marriage one which appears to have taken home Best of Show this year. Come on guys, can we argue over a different ballot measure for five damn minutes? Jesus.

With so much crap being peddled by the people of this silly state it's hard to sort out the awful propositions from the really awful propositions. What is a voter who just wants to get back to playing Fallout 3 to do?

Why, the only thing you can do. Turn that brain off, print out this page, and bring it with you when you go to the polls on Tuesday. Don't just vote the wrong way, vote the goon way. Here's a rundown of California's ballot measures and how you should vote on them.

Proposition 1A - "Safe, Reliable High-Speed Passenger Train Bond Act for the 21st Century. Haha, No Really, Trains"

How you should vote: Yes.

California High Speed Rail will eclipse the current rail speed record in California held by the locomotive seen here.

If you've ever thought about becoming a homosexual, there's no better way to start than to vote yes on Proposition 1A. Trains are gay, and gays love trains. The No On 8 campaign and the Yes On 1A campaign should join forces and redefine what a train going through a tunnel really means (anal sex involving two men by the way). What better way to celebrate your legal homosexual marriage than with a romantic trip on the high speed rail to San Francisco and a quickie in the bathroom at 220 MPH?

Now I know what you're thinking. "Ten billion for trains? Those things still exist?" When most people in America think of trains they think of crummy old Amtrak. Well, the high speed rail network in California will do several things that our current railroad network doesn't.

• It will actually go somewhere.
• It might actually get there on time.
• It won't tip over and burst into flames.

"But public transportation..." you say, "Isn't that for illegal aliens from... Mexico???" No, see, that's the beauty of high speed rail. Manny from East L.A. is priced right the hell off the train! Unlike mass transit, high speed rail makes an operating profit in countries like Japan and France. There's no reason it won't in California, especially considering brown people like me won't be able to ride it. That's a win-win for everyone.

No illegals and plenty of man ass. What's not to love? Unfortunately someone had to show up to rain on our 10 billion dollar parade. The bulk of the opposition comes from The Reason Foundation, a libertarian think tank that writes in complete sentences and uses proper grammar, so instead of refuting their claims I'm going to cherry pick some retarded comments from the Internet. Click on them to bare witness to their logic.

There is nothing faster in life than a high speed train.

Come on, FreeRepublic! This train will be 100% white! You're going to love it!

Unfounded fear mongering. The staple of any good election.

Prop 1A will create jobs, NIMBY drama, and cure cancer, the cancer that infests our transportation infrastructure in this state, that is! Go ahead and vote yes on 1A, because lawsuit after lawsuit is just going to kill it anyway.

Proposition 2 - "The Chicken One"

How you should vote: Yes.

Continuing the gay theme of this update, I'm recommending a yes vote on Proposition 2. My support for this measure isn't so much about animal rights than it is about revenge.

I used to be one of those guys who bought cage free eggs. I figured it was a good compromise. People who want chickens treated better will pay a higher price to do so. Those who don't can continue to pay lower prices for eggs. You know, free market and all that nonsense.

Hens that are allowed to extend their wings and go out for a smoke every once in a while live longer, healthier lives and produce eggs that glow in the dark.

Then I realized that just because it says "cage free" on the carton doesn't necessarily mean more humane treatment. In fact, some of these cage free hens are better off in cages.

The "free range" movement was marketed as if chickens would be chilling on Old MacDonald's farm and shitting out an egg every once in a while like Yoshi. Instead, it's cramped conditions in dark, filthy warehouses where chickens just piss and shit everywhere. And I was paying, what, 4 dollars a dozen to support this? Fuck eggs.

Since these so called free range farmers didn't hold up their end of the bargain, they all get to suffer through eggs that cost pennies more to produce, costs that will only be passed on to consumers who will hardly notice, if this measure passes. This will surely make or break many farmers struggling to survive. California may lose millions of dollars because of egg producers that left to other states or even the country just so they could stomp on chickens' heads while jerking themselves off.

We might even have to import our eggs from, God help us, Mexico. Whoops, I mean huevos. They don't screw around with giving chickens rights down there. If anything, they make them fight a couple rounds between laying eggs.

Proposition 3 - "Children's Hospital Bond Act of 2004 2008"

How you should vote: No.

The joke should be obvious here.

Proposition 4 - "HERE WE GO AGAIN"

How you should vote: No.

It wouldn't be a California election without parental notification.

I'm pro-abortion. No, not pro-choice, but pro-abortion. Abortion is simply a tool used to prevent unwanted births, nothing more or nothing less. This means abortions should be readily available at low, low prices. The stigma associated with getting an abortion should be removed through hip advertising campaigns that paint abortion as the hot new trend all the cool girls are participating in.

Maybe it could be like a Sex in the City thing where these teens strut around with their designer handbags and walk into an abortion clinic and spread their legs. I could see that commercial running on TV.

In any case, anything that gets these women to terminate their pregnancies is a good thing and anything that stands in the way of that is a bad thing. I'll tell you what the real danger is. A girl not getting an abortion because she doesn't want her parents to know, waiting until it's too late to terminate the pregnancy, only to get beaten by the abusive father figure once she ask for permission or advice on getting the abortion. Or choosing to then giving birth to a kid that's only going to grow up and carjack you.

I can fear monger too, you know.

Proposition 5 - "Get Out of Jail and Into the Treatment Center of My Heart Act"

How you should vote: Yes.

People don't always vote so much on the actual text of the law a proposition is based on but on the ideology that led to its creation. Regardless of what Proposition 5 specifically does, it breaks away from our failed drug control policies to offer something that may just be more effective, treatment as opposed to jail for nonviolent offenders. As long as a line making the act of shot putting newborn puppies off a cliff legal isn't buried somewhere deep in the text of the law, I'm okay with it.

The idea is that the guy who stole my stereo, if he did it to feed a drug addiction, would be offered rehabilitation instead of jail so that when all is said and done, he hopefully loses his insatiable lust for drugs and thievery and becomes a productive member of society.

Of course, it doesn't always work. But then again neither does our ridiculous "war on drugs".

Proposition 6 - "Gently Caress The Police"

How you should vote: No.

Tupac opposes Prop 6 because it will spend one billion dollars on unproven programs with ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY.

If Prop 5 is designed to relieve stress on our overcrowded prisons, then Prop 6 is its mortal enemy. It seeks to pack more prisoners into jails with tougher penalties on trivial things like being a gang member while committing extortion, robbery, and intimidating witnesses. A life sentence for carjacking sounds nice, but don't these guys usually find Allah in prison (well, the version that doesn't want to kill us all)? A parole hearing isn't out of the question after a couple of decades if the dude starts seeing Muhammad in the walls of his prison cell.

The measure also makes meth possession a felony and increases prison terms for possession of meth with an intent to sell. I wonder how someone could reconcile voting yes on both 5 and 6.

There's also some wacky stuff about expanding the situations in which hearsay evidence is permissible in court. Lionel Hutz is spinning in his grave.

Of course, this thing is going to pass because hey, police funding and gangs. What the hell am I going to say? "Fuck the police"? Sometimes you just have to pick your battles.

Propositions 7 and 10 - "The Feel-Good Ballot Initiatives of the Year!"

How you should vote: No on both.

Both the California Democratic Party and the California Republican Party are opposing Prop 7. You don't even have to read the goddamn thing to know that you're going to vote no on this. I'm not going to waste your time even telling you what it's about.

Prop 10 is the infamous payday for natural gas baron T. Boone Pickens. Renewable energy and alternative fuel vehicles sound good and a few morons will vote yes on this, but this proposition will provide a billion dollars in rebates to purchasers of "heavy-duty vehicles weighing 25,000 pounds or more" as opposed to $340 million for high and very high fuel economy light vehicles.

The idea is to sell more heavy-duty vehicles that run on natural gas, a product sold by the backers of this ballot measure.

Both measures sound good in theory, like the time my girlfriend said her flow was light and that it was okay to go down there, but all these two propositions will result in is a bloody fiscal mess.

Proposition 8 - "The Make Sonic The Hedgehog Less Gay Act of 2008"

How you should vote: No.

If you don't know my stance on this issue, you haven't been reading this blog much. So I'll just take this time to make a stupid joke at the expense of Sonic The Hedgehog.

In the glory days of 16-bit consoles Sonic the Hedgehog was the edgy alternative to Mario. He was faster, more hip, and was blue, basically the opposite of poor old Mario. Unfortunately Mario has aged far more gracefully than Sonic has, turning Sonic into the video game equivalent of an old queen.

This goes against my religion. I'm pretty sure it goes against all religions though.

Sonic the Hedgehog has always been a progressive figure. The Sonic saga was one of the first to feature the first openly gay video game character, Miles "Tails" Prower ("Miles Per Hour"). Sonic did not care that Tails was gay and neither did we. Unfortunately homosexual liberals have perverted the legacy of Sonic to turn his games into festering piles of queer bait that are played in our schools.

Prop 8 seeks to redefine Sonic from the icon of furry perversion back into a figurehead for alternative console mascots everywhere. It was Sonic who led the fight against Mario, alongside Crash Bandicoot, Gex, and other failed mascots, similar to how Rachael Ray and Ellen battle Oprah in the eternal struggle for the attention of stupid women.

This law mandates that Sega make a good Sonic game within three years of its passing. Failure to do so would turn Sega into a furniture company.

VOTE YES TO PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF THE GREEN HILL ZONE. Vote no on the real one by the way.

Proposition 12 - "Round Eye Bond Act of 2008"

How you should vote: Don't bother. It's money for veterans.

It's going to pass anyway, like it did the last 26 times. In fact if you try to vote you might even screw up and become the only one to vote no on it. Then you go to hell.

Budget crisis be damned. This is your chance, California. Let's put newly rehabilitated big gay construction dudes to work on our big gay trains so we can get gay married while we eat gay eggs from Mexican chickens. California, redefining gay while hiding from creditors.

Damn, by the way, I left my wallet in my other pants. Can you get this one? Thanks a ton.

JOHNSTON IN THE HOUSE, ONE MO' TIME BEFORE SOUP TUESDAY LAYING THE FUCK DOWN!

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"Fuck You Got Mine" Conservatives/ Prop 8 Blows

"Fuck You Got Mine" Conservatives /Prop 8 Blows

Yes, this yet another Prop 8 related blog. I realize, I must want to have my gay marriage now, right? I just think that this prop and the people behind the campaign to get it passed are the lowest form of scum. This is one of those confusing election choices. A vote for no means yes to rights of others and a vote for yes means no to human rights.



As many were passing out candy on Halloween, there was a handful of people passing out something worse than dental floss, candy corn and pennies. They handed these fliers out to parents out with their children advocating a YES on Prop 8 by using scare tactics on what they're children may or may not be exposed to in schools. The kicker here, even if prop 8 is passed, your students can still be taught about gay marriage in school. There's nothing in the writing of prop 8 that eliminates the ability for schools to teach about gay marriages.

If you're a teacher and prop 8 passes, I implore you to go right ahead and teach about gay marriage in school in the context of this very same proposition stripping gays of their equal rights to marry. That'll show the knights of columbus and Mormon groups. Then again, if this gets passed and gay marriage is taken away, they'll be happy anyway. So it's a lose/lose situation no matter how you cut it unless prop 8 doesn't pass. Again, MARRIAGE ISN'T TAUGHT IN SCHOOLS TILL THE MIDDLE SCHOOL/HIGH SCHOOL LEVEL! And even then parents have the rights to opt their kids out of the class if they feel the need to be so ignorant to do so. Oh yes, this is during Health/Biology class and Sex ed. So it's not a freak'n surprise!


Dirty Pool, Pro-prop 8. Dirty fuckin' pool!

I recently talked to a friend from out of state about the props on the ballot this year and he wondered why Prop 8 was looking like it was going to pass. How California looks to be a generally liberal place. Not so much. Most of California is backwater shit holes filled with rednecks like Bakersfield , Fresno, and the Inland Empire. Then you have Orange and San Diego Counties that are bastions of "fuck you got mine" conservatives. San Diego is Bakersfield with a beach and comic con. There are dozens of better California beach front cities that aren't filled with brain dead soldiers and bitter old people.

Orange County is a horrible shit hole filled with upper-middle-class tools, racists, bros, and is home to Saddle back Church and that asshole who wrote the Purpose Driven Life as well as the Trinity Broadcast Network. So it doesn't surprise me that it spawns such hatred that driving through there has a sea of YES ON 8 signs plastered everywhere. It did give us Nixon and was a city who latches onto the L.A. name for a baseball team as well as going bankrupt while having a major theme park in their city. Talk about Reaganomics.


This is why I understand when people want
California to float off into the ocean

That's the key here. "Fuck You Got Mine" is the only mentality that kicks in here. Straight people have had the right for marriage for as long as anyone can remember. Will it really hurt their marriage to allow gay people to join them in that dreaded celebration of misery?

I have never heard a reasonable, thought out response to someone asking why marriage is somehow in trouble, and why people think voting against gay marriage is "protecting" marriage. does your marriage become null and void if gay marriage becomes legal? I just don't get it. Also, this whole battle has changed my opinion on Mormons from "whatever" to "fucking cult assholes."



I hate that people say heterosexual marriage is what is traditional. If we were going for tradition we would still see marriage as an exchange of property, not love, and require dowries. It's bullshit that people are trying to defend a false institution. Marriage has never been sanctified in the first place, throughout history its been a tool of oppression and then when it finally becomes more or less equal it is debased by reality TV and divorce rates

I can only hope that it fails due to the bradley effect. People say yes yes keep those faggots from marrying, then go into the booth and think "what the fuck am i doing? here i am voting a black man in for president then voting against faggots, what the fuck is wrong with me?" I don't even see anywhere in the new testament where god gives a shit about government. If anyone tells you "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve", just slap them. Seriously. Slap them.

Make the right choice. Vote NO on Prop 8

I Want My ObamaTV 2.0

I Want My ObamaTV 2.0



So we're one day away from ObamaTV rocketing on to our television screens and we're still a bit in the dark as to what he's actually going to do with his air time besides Pointless guesses. But I'm the type of person who will continue shooting in the dark in hopes at hitting something. So here's some more guesses as to what the Senator will be using for his on air talents. I know one thing for sure, it's not the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, cause that shit aired tonight and well, you already missed it.

An in-depth discussion on the merits of the Magic Bullet and how it will save our economy.

Testimonial on how ExtenZe has changed his life and how it could give you and your special someone a better President.

Hang out at an unspecified location in Phoenix AZ sipping whiskey, smoking a cigar, and talking about how much he wishes Barry Goldwater were still alive.

talk about all his campaign money - "And this $20 bill was donated by Richard Hernandez of Chula Vista, CA!"



Comparing the number of bouts with face cancer that he and McCain have each had to deal with.

concedes to mccain, reasoning "democrats aren't meant to win elections"

Rap Battle with Orrin Hatch.

30 minutes of rolling around in money


Obama represented on the boob tube....

Obama and Shaq playing hoop to the tunes of Quad City DJ's "Space Jam" against Putin and Karl Rove.

speaks about his christian faith at length while he has his fingers crossed

drops out of the campaign, nominating Oprah as his replacement. AS WAS THE DEAL.

airs footage from "who's nailin palin"


But then America gains a President...

He'll be sitting in a nice comfy chair next to a fireplace and start reading children's books to us. No I do not want green eggs and ham....

Thirty minute lecture on superstring theory

Shows footage from the ring causing us all to be cursed.

Reveals himself to be Andy Kaufman


Look at that smooooth mother fu....

First 30 mins of soul plane

The last 30 minutes of 2001

Just loops of McCain stumbling and acting like an idiot set to Yakety Sax.

Re-enactment of muhammad ali v. sonny liston, with obama standing over a mccain impersonator shouting GET UP, GET UP




On NBC, Obama will discuss a few tips on fitness, and even give share the secret of his jumpshot.

On CBS, Michelle will host a cooking show, where she will teach America some of her favorite home recipes. Sasha and Malia assist.

On Fox, Biden will offer his pre-game analysis for Phillies-Rays game, with a brief rundown on sports the rest of the week.

30 minute in-depth revelation of the wu tang secret



30 minute video let's play of Obama beating street fighter ii as dhalsim

Drama set two years into the Mccain presidency, will smith plays one of the few survivors

An old tape of Bob Ross painting. digitally edited to make him paint a serene obama figure in the American countryside.

Season 1 episode 4 of the Ferris Bueller TV show


Well, that's one way to lock up the East L.A. vote

Obama stars in an episode of mtv cribs

A new episode of Sports Night, after a mere eight years or so of languishing in obscurity?

Barack Obama halloween special

Re-enact debates using finger puppets and squeaky voices

No matter it is, Obama has some tough competition. Game five of the world series is in need of wrapping up after a long rain delay that lasted two days. Not to mention that Obama has some heavy shoes to fill when it comes to political infomercials.