Wednesday, August 11, 2010

A Series of Tubes - Being A Complete Ass About Ted Stevens

A Series of Tubes - Being A Complete Ass About Ted Stevens

Early on in the day yesterday I was able to use this series of tubes to find the following news story
A U.S. government official says former Sen. Ted Stevens is believed to have been aboard the airplane that has crashed in Alaska.

The official tells The Associated Press Alaska authorities have been told the former longtime Republican senator is among several passengers on the plane. The official, who spoke on grounds of anonymity, says Stevens' condition is unknown.

So, Ted Stevens, did you survive the plane crash?

Looks like he was on a... plane to nowhere.

Ted Steven's life, tragically cut short, at the vibrant age of 86. It's always sad for a parent to outlive his or her child, and when asked for comment Mr. and Mrs. Stevens responded, "Mmmmmmmmehehhaheahehahaehehahh eeeeeeehhhhhgggg hheeeeeefhdfhdfjfhggg".

The thing that saddens me the most about former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens dying in a plane crash is that Momma Grizzly, Sarah Palin wasn't on that plane with him. But at least my other prayers have been answered. Maybe God does exist after all.

One thing about Ted Stevens though, he died the way he lived. On a plane to a fishing trip sponsored by lobbyist. Essentially that's what happened. Capitalist scum was killed by his own excessive consumption. Praise marx!

Doesn't he know that the remote area 325 miles southwest of Anchorage is not a place you just dump something on. It's not a big truck. It's a series of pipelines tubes! I mean, this dude did a lot of unethical bullshit. Like, remember that time he got off because the prosecutors screwed up? I do wonder how much money one can fit into a suitcase.

But you see, it wasn't all good luck. Former NASA administrator Sean o'Keefe was also on that flight and survive. Why am I mad that he made it? Let me remind you that the shuttle Columbia was lost on his watch due to exactly the same kind of institutional complacency that led to the loss of the shuttle challenger and which NASA vowed would never happen again.

Besides that, he's the current CEO of EADS, and if he wasn't profiting off war he couldn't have afford to get on that plane in the first place. So god damn you, plane crash. I wanted to say my good byes to that Space Cowboy.

Moving back to Stevens. This isn't his first brush in with death. In 1978 Ted Stevens survived a plane crash where 4 of 6 passengers died. I'm willing to bet that he's one of those guys who would eat the other passengers to survive.

Then there's his wife who died in a plane crash years ago and now he finally dies in one. Maybe his wife was haunting the plane he was in. This was so totally one of those Final Destination films. Only Death really fucked up in waiting 32 years to finally play catch up. Either that or planes really fucking hate this guy.

When you factor in that his wife died in a plane crash, his stance in being Protective of Alaska aviation was pretty ghoulish.
A former senior federal aviation-safety official says that former GOP senator Ted Stevens, who is reported to be among the missing in the crash of a small plane on Monday night in a remote area of Alaska, was “very protective” of an “aviation culture” in Alaska, which sometimes involved risky flying practices that might not be tolerated elsewhere in the United States. CBS is reporting that Stevens died in the crash.
hey we can't have big government bureaucrats telling us how we can fly our planes and... oh shit, what was that? what was that sound? ohhhh god oh god... the plane is going down oh god the wing is on fire we're going to slam into that cliff OH GOD AHHHHHH

You know, my greatest wish is to die in an appropriately comedic fashion. What more noble pursuit is there than to provide your fellow man with a brief moment of mirth, even in your demise. I mean, I get that all life is Precious(: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire) but I have no problem getting a good laugh out of this.

Some of us spend every day in constant bliss because we know people are dying every second and it's amazing. Most of them are dying boring deaths, but there's that rare exception when it's just filled with total irony.

Remember that one asshole doctor on ER who got his arm chopped off by a helicopter and then later a helicopter raped his wife and the final piece of irony was that a helicopter fell and smooshed him good. Good times. George Clooney was dreamy in that.

But in any event, with Ted Stevens, hopefully someone filmed the crash and it's longer than 10 minutes so they have to upload it as a series of Youtubes. God forbid an 86 year old man die in a plane crash instead of going out the way God intended, painfully wasting away from terminal cancer and spending the last years of his life hooked up to a series of tubes see what I did there?

Fuck it, I'm ending it with a Remix!

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