Rock The Vote

Rock The Vote

You know what today is? It's WE-DON'T-CARE-TUESDAY! Yup. That's right, we have the ability to kick out the old bums and put in the new bums! It's really important to make sure to get folks out to the polls to vote... but first, the people need to know where they can vote.

If you're a registered voter, you can find your spot to vote with this handy link showing you where to vote. So while I got the helpful information out to you, let's get down to my good ol' fashion cynicism.

On to the big one - Who replaces Arnold? Meg Whitman vs Jerry Brown. You have Meg, who hasn't voted a single time in the last 20+ years. She's mainly there for a stepping stone to attempt to be President for some odd reason.



Jerry Brown was governor and did a fairly decent job running a surplus and living on the cheap as he was in office. He has a fairly bad track record in his other runs as mayor of Oakland and getting stuff done, but that could have been other factors.

Just remember that whatever you vote for, it's probably just going to be more of the same. Brown or Whitman - It seems like a lose/lose situation to me, though I guess I'm voting for Brown because I hate Meg Whitman more and she ruined ebay.

So what else is there on the books?

Proposition 26
Requires that certain state fees be approved by two-thirds vote of Legislature and certain local fees be approved by two-thirds of voters. Increases legislative vote requirement to two-thirds for certain tax measures, including those that do not result in a net increase in revenue, currently subject to majority vote.

Why what do you know, someone brings up a perfectly good solution to all of California's problems... No taxes. No taxes at all!

WHAT?! Yes, that's right. Why didn't anyone think of this earlier? California will now be solvent thanks to the traditional book keeping compromise tactic of "making up money that doesn't even exist". It's really straight from the play book of not giving a shit about what you leave for the next guy in office.



"Here you go, have fun with that, Mr next Governor" seems to be the best tactic any leaving governor has ever learned. And don't think it's just a California thing. Every state is defeered to the next official, who spends his entire time in office trying to figure out how he's going to pass the buck along to the next guy who comes in.

The only difference is California has taken it to the next level and made an art form out of the mess. But that's because California is really like three or four states in itself. It's got massive cities and massive crowds in them. L.A. has more of a populous than all but 8 states in the union. Just think about that and you'll stop wondering why traffic is so bad.

The next big question.. which I'm guessing is the only real question that most of you actually cares about is... How is that weed vote going to do?

Going into this election it was trailing on some polls and leading in others. Over all it's been one of those that gets hated on or extreme support for.. and in ways you would be surprised about. NPR did a thing on how hippies hate it because it will ruin weed diversity and the corporatization of it will just kill their buzz.



Pot farmer oppose it because... well, let's be honest, it would bring down the profit margins of it to such low levels that it would be like slaughter your cow when everyone can get the milk for free from somewhere else.

Will it help in bringing in new tax revenue to the system? Yeah. But then again, that's after a long battle in the courts as the feds will more than likely fight it and file a lawsuit against California over it.

I do wonder if it is legalized, would a lot of tobacco companies attempt to get in on the market? I don't think they would want to be associated with it because it could harm their brand images.. You know, the image of cancer sticks.

Leading up to this election had one interesting tv moment though. It was when Zach Galifianakis smoked a joint on television.



And in case you're wondering, Bill Mahr did not take a puff, just goes to show you that he's exactly the pussy failure you come to expect him to be.

There was two huge neocons from Fox News and a guy from msnbc on there.. I was hoping they would take a hit, but sure enough they didn't. It's funny to see how awkward the conservative dudes get.

I guess it was ballsy and cool, but it was really awkward looking and he seemed afraid and nobody else partook. Like you could see it in his eyes that he was hoping for a good ol' fashion smoke out.

It wasn't too dangerous for him. If you're white then getting caught smoking a joint isn't that dangerous really. Imagine if he was black though... He's also probably got a medical card anyway, so if he even broke a law it would be against smoking in a non smoking area or something.

There was a study done in England which ranked the most harmful drugs around which resulted in the champion being alcohol over heroin, weed and ecstasy.

"Researchers analyzed how addictive a drug is and how it harms the human body," according to the Associated Press, "in addition to other criteria like environmental damage caused by the drug, its role in breaking up families and its economic costs, such as health care, social services, and prison."

The study did seem pretty flawed in that alcohol is the one that is more commonly used and legal, so no shit that it's going to be the most damaging... it's easier to get! It's like that study that showed you would most likely get into an accident near your home. Well of course, that's where you statistically spend more of your time and so the chances of you getting hurt near it increase.

Both weed and alcohol are worthless. The greatest feeling is holding a loved one in your arms, and mushrooms. Okay, mainly just the mushrooms. They can make you trip some crazy balls. I dated this one girl who spent a lot of time in Colorado and man, that must be the shroom capital of the world as there is a lot of crazy people there who drop mushrooms like AT&T drops calls.

So yeah. what was I talking about? Dave's not here, man. You should get out and vote today. It may be a worthless effort, but it's your civic duty to make your voice heard to the masses... one hole punch at a time.

I guess you can look at the other props here..

California - Putting It Bluntly

California - Putting It Bluntly

In about a month you're going to be facing a choice at the polls....



Yes. That's right. Prop 19. It's time to vote for the legalization of weed. But it doesn't just make smoking it legal, it also permits cultivation for personal use in plain English. That alone should be reason enough for you to vote for it. Even more so because there's actually a fighting chance this will actually pass.

Gee, I can't wait for California voters to make another good referendum vote. I sure am looking forward to this outcome. Though, as soon as this passes, Obama will probably bring a lawsuit against California to balance out the whole Arizona lawsuit.

This is really the one issue that will actually get the youth to the polls, at the very least. Which is a good thing considering more younger people relate and vote with democrats on average and it's looking like the republicans are mounting to change the balance. With Obama's staff changing the way it is, I really do wonder how his next two years will actually be like.



I have to say that it's about time and I'm perfectly okay with this choice. Think of the tax income that can be achieved by legalization? Who isn't looking forward to the world's first one trillion percent taxation on a product. But then there's part of me that I'd honestly rather they just get rid of the three strikes law first. Need a reason why?

# On November 4, 1995, Leandro Andrade stole five videotapes from a K-Mart store in Ontario, California. Two weeks later, he stole four videotapes from a different K-Mart store in Montclair, California. Andrade had been in and out of state and federal prisons since 1982, and at the time of these two crimes in 1995, had been convicted of petty theft, residential burglary, transportation of marijuana, and escaping from prison. As a result of these prior convictions, the prosecution charged Andrade with two counts of petty theft with a prior conviction, which under California law can either be a felony or a misdemeanor. Under California's three strikes law, any felony can serve as the third "strike" and thereby expose the defendant to a mandatory sentence of 25 years to life in prison.

I'm sure you're thinking "Oh no, a criminal for life was taken off the streets. Truly a tragedy worth whining about." Just think of it this way, if he hadn't gone to life in prison, he could be on the streets right now stealing 'The Hangover' DVDs and abusing the free refills at burger king.



This whole case is reason enough to display that 3 strikes is the dumbest most arbitrary thing in the entire world and serves only to hurt people who make good targets for police. You know, like minorities.

I'll probably never get the American obsession with weed and in trying to control it or ban it. I mean, really? Being high, for many people, is far better than being drunk. But speaking of drinking, do you know what's really comical? Miller and Bud aren't having none of this bullshit and the California beer distributors are backing the oppositions by throwing them money.

Last week a trade association for California beer distributors donated $10,000 to oppose Prop 19, the November ballot initiative that would legalize and tax marijuana. The move certainly has a lot of people talking.

“Unless the beer distributors in California have suddenly developed a philosophical opposition to the use of intoxicating substances, the motivation behind this contribution is clear,” said Steve Fox of the Marijuana Policy Project. "Plain and simple, the alcohol industry is trying to kill the competition."

Another marijuana advocate at Stop the Drug War questioned why the official opposition is aligning itself with alcohol. "We understand why Big Alcohol wants to protect its turf and keep Californians drinking; but why does the No on Prop. 19 campaign -- which is calling itself "Public Safety First" -- share this goal?"

But the California Beer & Beverage Distributors says it's not about any of that. "It's not a competitve issue for us," explained the spokesperson Rhonda Stevenson, who noted that they have no opinion on the issue either way, to LAist over the phone. "That's up to Californians to decide."

At issue for the organization is safety of their workforce and the langauge of the proposition, which Stevenson called "poorly written." She said that the state's regulation of alcohol has been working successfully for 75 years and if Prop 19 passes, there would be no regulatory structure for the drug, instead creating a patchwork of laws throughout cities and counties. "There's not a way not to implement this in a succint matter," she said.

The organization is also worried about industry safety -- fork lift and truck drivers working high, for example -- because you would no longer be able to test for the drug.

Clearly this Bud's not for you. I guess they really just don't want any competition in the vices of society. It's strange because my seething hatred for humanity comes bubbling out when I drink. Hell, half of these blogs where I rant on are while I'm drunk.. Okay - MOST. Most of my blogs are a product of a drunken stupor. Considering I blog every day, that's a scary statistic.

But on the flip side, when I smoke I can barely grasp the hate. I know a lot of people that are the flip side in that alcohol is a much nicer feeling for them. It makes them feel really happy and relaxed. I know people who are the exact opposite though, so I guess your mileage will vary depending on your genetics or something.



Then I love that bullshit line about how it risk the safety of the workers. Who goes to work on drugs that actually has a job that is risky? And it's not like you can't fire someone just because it's a legal substance if it impairs with their working ability. What the fuck?

I'm sure some of you are wondering if the federal government is going to let this happen. I'm was pretty sure that Holder said he wasn't going to prosecute this shit when he came into office, but who really knows?

California's proposal to legalize marijuana has provoked every former director of the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration to join in urging the White House to block the proposition if it is approved on the November ballot.

Proposition 19 is billed as a measure to raise revenue and cut the costs of enforcement. An analysis by the California attorney general's office cites "additional revenues from taxes, assessments, and fees from marijuana-related activities allowed under this measure."

But former DEA Administrator Peter Bensinger disputed the premise, telling reporters Monday it will not increase revenue since "anybody that sells marijuana and then pays tax is going to declare themselves a violator of federal law" and subject to prosecution.

Bensinger and the eight other people who have led the DEA since its founding in 1973 wrote a letter to U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, urging him to use the federal "supremacy clause" to pre-empt such lawmaking by state and local jurisdictions.

The Justice Department recently used such a pre-emption to persuade a court to strike down Arizona's immigration law. Bensinger acknowledged that his group had not heard a response from Justice Department officials to the letter dated August 24.

"All of us are very gravely concerned with Proposition 19," he said, "which if passed would legalize the distribution, sale and cultivation of marijuana in direct conflict with the Controlled Substances Act, federal law, and treaty obligations approved by the U.S. Congress."

I'm a bit surprised that the feds aren't blocking this by tying marijuana laws to something like transportation funding, the way they enforce the national drinking age. But I guess that California is fucking huge, so it's not as easy to push around as states that don't have 1/8th of the US population.

Then again, maybe it's cause of the Choom gang, yo.



You see, Obama loosened up on DEA marijuana enforcement. Or at least the claim was that he did...

Earlier this month, nine former administrators of the Drug Enforcement Administration sent a letter calling on Obama and Holder to sue if Prop. 19 passes, blocking the statewide legalization of possession and personal growth and the allowance of individual counties to license commercial sale and production of marijuana.

But it does seem like the drug czar is standing firm on that Just Say No stance..

At this point, it seems the Obama administration will sue California, but that's just an educated guess: the Justice Department has declined to comment. Obama's drug czar, former Seattle Police Chief Gil Kerlikowske, has weighed in firmly against legalization on a national scale, and he submitted an op-ed to the L.A. Times co-authored with several former drug czars (some of whom have taken a very hard line against medical marijuana) warning that Prop. 19 would increase social costs by leading to more marijuana use.

So it's basically boiling down to the fact that all the college students will hate Obama if the feds do take action against this, and if he doesn't then he'll be viewed as The President That Let Weed Be Legal. Which I guess is a tough place to stand. Elected officials need to just bite the bullet and go with the truths that they already know..

I mean, we already have a Governor who just doesn't give a fuck anymore. Over the weekend Arnold made carrying less than an ounce of weed on your persons an infraction instead of a misdemeanor.

To the Members of the California State Senate:

I am signing Senate Bill 1449.

This bill changes the crime of possession of less than an ounce of marijuana from a misdemeanor punishable only by a $100 fine to an infraction punishable by a $100 fine. Under existing law, jail time cannot be imposed, probation cannot be ordered, nor can the base fine exceed $100 for someone convicted of this crime.

I am opposed to decriminalizing the possession and recreational use of marijuana and oppose Proposition 19, which is on the November ballot.

Unfortunately, Proposition 19 is a deeply flawed measure that, if passed, will adversely impact California’s businesses without bringing in the tax revenues to the state promised by its proponents.

Notwithstanding my opposition to Proposition 19, however, I am signing this measure because possession of less than an ounce of marijuana is an infraction in everything but name. The only difference is that because it is a misdemeanor, a criminal defendant is entitled to a jury trial and a defense attorney.

In this time of drastic budget cuts, prosecutors, defense attorneys, law enforcement, and the courts cannot afford to expend limited resources prosecuting a crime that carries the same punishment as a traffic ticket.

As noted by the Judicial Council in its support of this measure, the appointment of counsel and the availability of a jury trial should be reserved for defendants who are facing loss of life, liberty, or property greater than $100.

For these reasons, I am signing this bill.

Sincerely, Arnold Schwarzenegger

And you people wondered why I voted for Arnold? Well.. because I didn't want to vote for the dead midget, porn star.. Though I think the weed attorney dude would have done this but it would have been more expected. Ahead of your time, my friend. Ahead of your time.

I would applaud your actions, but fuck it man, Archer is on.

Your June 8th California Primary Voter's Guide

Your June 8th California Primary Voter's Guide

Wait, did you forget that today is a Primary? Oh, don't worry, when I worked the polling booth no one remembered the primaries either. But now that you're informed that today we have a civic duty to vote early and vote often, it's your chance to.. um.. well, um. do something. Yeah, it's a Primary. Those fuckers get like 1/3rd the voter turn out than a normal election. In fact, I'm pretty sure most of my readers are those who would vote no on everything, every election, except weed.

So I'm just going to tell you what to vote for. Don't bother looking any of this shit up or getting informed. Ha! Not like you would anyway. But just vote exactly like this and you should be A-okay and happy with your "I voted" sticker.

Proposition 13, Laws on Property Tax Assessment: It would make it so that if you're getting your building earthquake-proofed, someone from the city/county/state won't stop by as part of the inspections and decide to bump up your property and increase your property tax.

You should vote no on 13 if you want to see asshole landlords gamble on crushing their tenants to death in exchange for a slight lower tax bill.

Proposition 14, Vote for this if you want to fuck up CA's electoral process even more/reinforce the two-party system: Nope.

Proposition 15, California Fair Elections Act: Hell yeah. If only to stick it to lobbyists.

Proposition 16, PG&E's Fuck-you-in-the-ass/Fuck-socialism Prop: Ahahahahaha. No.

Proposition 17, Poor people don't need inexpensive car insurance: Fuck no.

Everything else is only district-wide so if you an independent just vote for whoever looks most commie, if you're green or socialist vote for whoever looks the least crazy, and if you're registered democrat hahahah. yeah...

After I broke up with that one ex girlfriend I don't even acknowledge the Santa Clara area, so I wont post that shit.

I guess if you want ot be ironic you should vote NO, YES, NO, YES, YES... simply to fuck California more than it's already fucked. I mean, why not. it's the comedy option!

As for Meg Whitman... I just want to punch her in the face. I think the most comical thing about the election is all those god damn ads by Meg Whitman and Pozner accusing each other of the exact same thing. Whitman is soft on illegals! Poizner is soft on illegals! Poizner supports amnesty! Whitman supports amnesty! Whitman is too liberal for California! Poizner is too liberal for California.

Given the facts that I'm not registered for that lame party, I don't get to vote for her, now do I? So yeah, go ahead and ignore the fact that today you're suppose to vote on something. Peace!

Pot On The Books

Pot On The Books

Well, it looks like we're getting a chance to legalize pot come November. Fuck gay rights, as long as I can toke up in front of a cop, it's all good, right? Yup, who knows, maybe we'll actually legalize it this time;

California voters will decide this November whether to legalize and regulate adult recreational use of marijuana as the Secretary of State today certified that a Bay Area-based effort to put the issue on the ballot has collected enough signatures to do so.

If passed, California would have the most comprehensive laws on legal marijuana in the entire world, marijuana reform advocates say. Opponents are confident they will easily defeat the measure.

The vote will be the second time in nearly 40 years that people in the Golden State will decide the issue of legalization, though the legal framework and cultural attitudes surrounding marijuana have changed significantly the past four decades. If Californians pass the measure, it would be the first in the nation to do so as similar efforts in other states all have failed.

Backers needed to collect at least 433,971 valid signatures of registered voters and the Secretary of State said they met that threshold.

If voters approve the ballot measure, it will become legal for Californians 21 and older to grow and possess up to an ounce of marijuana under state law. Local jurisdictions could tax and regulate it, or decide not to participate. Marijuana would continue to be banned outright by federal law.

Current state law allows a person, with a doctor's approval, to possess an amount of marijuana that is reasonably related to the patient's current medical needs. People also can obtain cards identifying themselves as a patient, which helps in interactions with law enforcement.

"There is no state that currently allows adults to grow marijuana for personal (recreational) use, but what is totally different and will be a game-changer internationally is this would allow authorized sales to adults as determined by a local authority," said Stephen Gutwillig, California State Director of the Drug Policy Alliance Network, an organization advocating for changes in drug laws.

The major backers of the initiative - the founder of an Oakland-based marijuana trade school, a retired Orange County judge and various drug law reform organizations - are planning to oversee a $10 million campaign to push the measure.

My first reaction is why do you people care so much about weed? Geez, try being a little incremental and decriminalize it first, don't you think? No way can you go "All in" and expect to get it passed. Yes, I think it would be fucking funny to see what the Federal Government's response to all this would be, but seriously now.. Do you need it legalized? If you couldn't get gay marriage passed, you wont get weed legalized. And if you do, then we sure as hell don't know what our priorities are.

The article may be a little old but it's news since the Secretary of State officially certified the signatures today. So hey, gonna legalize it. We're gonna get our law enforcement funding pulled by the Obama administration and we're gonna slide further into bankruptcy. Can I get a "Hell Yeah" up in this bitch? Who cares about education funding when we can all just kick it with some weeeed, yo. No need for proper school budgets unless they have botany or herbal studies.



It's just not possible at all in this or any other reality. Especially with the mindset of thinking about the children. Even if we're in a sort of California über alles sort of state. Though, anything but a crushing defeat will only propel the legalization movement further, at least to the minds of those who are trying to push this stuff into law.

I realize that weed prohibition has enslaved more American blacks than slavery. And I have heard that if you don't support weed legalization then you implicitly support millions of nonviolent users being sent to prison for it. But you do realize that they just signed a bill in the senate to ban smoking literally everywhere outside, no parks/benches/picnic tables, etc. And you're shooting for a legalization of weed?



I NEED TO LIGHT MARIJUANA LEAVES ON FIRE AND THEN INHALE THE SMOKE MANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. I. CARE. SO. MUCH. ABOUT. INHALING THAT SMOKE

It's clear that Obama's administration is dead set against legalization, so this will do nothing. And it won't even reduce crime so long as its still illegal in Mexico. Though really, why are you importing your weed when we have perfectly good room to grow our own locally. Don't you realize you're being bad to the environment by wasting so much gas to transport that Mexican shit over? Come on, man. Think green for a change!



You may think that California is pretty liberal, but California seems to be one of the least progressive states in the nation. California is a metaphorical boulevard of broken dreams. Think of it this way, California gave us Ronald Reagan. All you stoners, do yourself a huge favor and NOT get ripped on voting day. I'd hate to see this share the same fate as a Simpsons episode and you ending up forgetting to vote.

Let's face it. Even Jerry Brown is opposing this. Given, he was a terrible governor decades ago and he's going to be a terrible governor now, too. And when it comes to those undecideds on this issue, they are most likely going to be women in their 30's and 40's with children. Those who don't have children will see that their lazy ass boyfriends are pot heads. So sorry, this shit isn't passing.



And what if it does? Well, just think of the number of Checkpoints on every highway coming out of California. Nevada, Oregon and Arizona will have cops with those dogs sniffing out for the tiniest trace of that demon weed in their vehicles or on persons. It'll be comical, if it's not a nuisance to drive on vacation.

But hey, it does mean that with legalization, the population of California will go up and that would lead to more taxes being levied on them. I mean, everyone loves drugs, right? This can lead to nothing but money raining down on public schools and all the systems that need some funding badly...okay, who am I kidding? All that money will just go to stupid props we pass like crazy trains and more police officers on whatever street corner.



So what's my stance? I really don't give a shit. I don't smoke it. Maybe my Dad would like it. I mean, he does have a pretty mean bong sitting around in his computer area and all. But I frankly don't give a shit about legalization. It's not like it's all that difficult to get now and if you smoke it in the privacy of your own home, what's the problem?

Now I will be pretty peeved if we can get pot legalized but can't get gay rights.

CAPTAIN BUZZ KILL: LEVi JOHNSTON'S SPECIAL POST ELECTION MESSAGE

bY LEVi JOHNSTON

LEVi ALL UP IN THIS GRILL

WELL....

Shit is over doggies and it looks like your boy Levi ain't gonna be no duke of no America. Even a week later my phone is blowin up like party balloons with all these media people try to call me to get my reaction. I've been passed out since last tuesday night when Mrs. Palin showed up with two bottles of Jack Daniels while I was huffing glue and oh boy, it was on. So what's I gots to tell you media fucks anyway?

I am like my crazy lil' nigga trib. That dude just stare off a million miles away and don't give no fuck about nothing. A bigass beetle could crawl up on his head, crawl right over his eyeball, and dude does not give a single fuck.

I am just like that shit. I am zen as hell. Unfazed by this nonsense.

Whatever happens to mrs. palin and that old dude, there will always be hockey and beers and titties and unless Bar Roboma is way worse than commie and abolishes huge juicy titties and beers then I will survive.

If that shit happens, well, I dont want to mess around with secret police guys but I will have to pull a jersey up over that bitch head and skate him into the glass.

fuck all yall for makin mrs palin cry

So what will Levi Johnston do with his life?

Not Bristol AAAHHAHAH. Bitch is fat as hell and talking about "my back hurts" and "take me to get amniocentipedes" or some shit and I am like "bitch your mom and gandalf got fucked up by a black dude there aint no way I am haulin your fat ass around to get some bugs" and then I popped a wheelie on my new honda and peeled out down the street!!

I am through playin nice. Team playin is for the ice. When I am off the ice I am playin for keeps with just me, Levi Johnston.

I got to look ahead to my careers and what fine ass guts I want to get up in. One thing I noticed is people are all talkin about some shit was in newsweek where they had all these crazy shit and all these little facts that they kept secret until now. Like here is one:

At the GOP convention in St. Paul, Palin was completely unfazed by the boys' club fraternity she had just joined. One night, Steve Schmidt and Mark Salter went to her hotel room to brief her. After a minute,Palin sailed into the room wearing nothing but a towel, with another on her wet hair. She told them to chat with her laconic husband, Todd. "I'll be just a minute," she said.

TODD is a DOUCHE

Yo, I admit it, that is where I got that word "unfazed" I looked it up and it means "bad ass" or something like that.

Anyway, big deal seein mrs. palin in her towel I seen her with her titties hanging out one time and I was like "fuuuuuuuuck" and I was gettin all pumped up and ready to do her hard and then I looked over and todd was sittin there without a shirt on on the couch and he was smilin that lactonic motherfukcer.

I didnt want a part of that scene so I said I had to take a dump and I left. Point is, if everybody is talkin about this shit there must be big money in these crazy ass factoids about the campaign and shit.

Well guess who has got all the craziest shit you can't even imagined? Me I am the dude who got that shit.

Of course I am not gonna give up all the good ones here, because I got to get PAID son. Levi wants to fly and these wings ain't free.

So here are some factoids. Consider these to be samples of just some of the iceburgs of which these are only the tips.

• 

  some csi dude will wonder why this moose was shot with pieces of a headlight
• The first time I got on the plane with todd he stared at me in the eye and then he just ripped this big huge fart. He kept staring at me and he kept going and going and then that old dude walked by and he made this face like he was scared of some shit, which it was some fuckin freddy krueger ass music goin on up there. Later I heard the old dude talkin to himself and I got the impression that dude for some reason thought he was the one who ripped the nasty fart.
• For about a month I didn't know which chick the old dude MacCain was married to and I accidentally felt up cindy MacCain and she was like, "oh levi that feels hella good and I want you to do me but I am married to that old as fuck dude" and I was like "oh shit girl I'm sorry I meant to be grabbin' on your daughters titties" and then she was like "no I take it is a compliment" and I said back to her "yeah most women do." And then I ripped that ass up, but actually I ended up with cuts on my dick cuz there is some weird shit goin on with her pussy. Call her ass the juicer.
• If you get too pumped up watchin the oilers get killed and you keep demanding MacCain give you some love up top eventually he gets really pissed off and calls you some names. If that happens do not push the dude over a table because some serious rod gobblers from the secret police will bust in and throw you around.
• One time I was seein if there were any hot ass bitches in the back of the plane that want to drill baby drill with the johntson not knowin they were reporters and one bitch said "who are you votin for" and I was all "I never vote dumbass thats retarded as fuck" but they started askin hypotheticals and hypothetic I am voting for tongues on my ball bag but they were all like "old dude or black dude" and I was like "guess I am votin black dude cuz old dude is a fucking faggot" and then they twisted my words all around and put them up on drummage report or some shit.
• Mrs. Palin has never killed a moose. They got all these pictures of her with mooses but pretty much todd is a drunk fuck who cant drive and he hits mooses all the time with his truck and then to keep him from getting hit with three strikes law and then he cant race snow machines mrs. palin always is posing up on those dead bloody ass motherfuckers and acting like she hunted that shit down. Yeah, okay, well then I hunted about 15 raccoons, a dog, and two homeless dudes in the last month alone.
• When she was mayor of wasilla mrs. palin secretly spent 150,000 dollars from special homeland security money on this van with all these cameras thats supposed to help with terrorists. When some people got all mad about it she pretended to sell it on ebay but really she just gave it to her cousin who hunts sasquatches. No luck so far, but if that hair motherfucker hides behind a wall they can still see him with one of them cameras.
• Me and bristols baby trink ain't really a retard he is just lazy as fuck. If you put a rattle in his hand he's just like "fuck that" and he drops that shit on the ground. Have you ever seen him move on TV? Nope, because he don't move. My guess is he will start movin about age of 16 or so when he sees his first pussy.

Anyway, those are just the boring ones. I've got way better facts I could hook you dudes up with if you got the cash.

Back to the crab monster and the bear corpse.

As for me, well, I am sad to say folks this is the last time you will probably hear from me. The whole family is goin back up to alaska and up there the internet only works for like 2 months of the year. We got to check all our email and do all our banking before the magnetic fields or aurora borneolis or whatever fucks everything up again.

Honestly I was running out of shit to say anyway. Maybe I would have come up with some new shit if I was a duke and had my own wizard and a palace and shit, but that was not meant to be. I hope whoever the black dude makes into a duke is as cool as me. Ha ha ha doubt it.

Mrs. Palin will be cool. I know some of yall are worried about her but she will be just fine. She has a huge beautiful house she got the contractors from that hockey rink to build for her for free, she has got a giant ass crab monster in her office to cheer her up, and any time she gets really freaky and wants to hook me and bristol up with some kinky shit I am down. I will even let her videotape it, but todd cant be in the room I cannot keep goin with that fuck watchin and making all them loud breathing sounds.

Fuuuuuuck. Anyway, I'm gonna go get tore the fuck up and out.

Peace, fags!

- Levi "HOckey" Johnston

Back In Black

Back In Black

Welcome to a new reality. President Obama is our first black President. A totally new day. Then again, it's nothing new in my world. The world of screen. I've seen many a black men stand in the position that Obama is today. Sure, it doesn't take anything away from his role as the future Commander and Chef, but at least by drawing some comparisons, we can see what other fictional Black Presidents can do in the White House.

President Lindberg - "The Fifth Element"

The first Black President comes to us from two hundred and fifty years in the future. It’s true, he can’t enunciate his words particularly well but so what! Just knowing this man, with the intelligence of a grapefruit, was able to rise up to become the President of the United Federated Territories lets me know the future is going to be a great place. Thankfully, I’ll be dead by then. For those unlucky enough to not be dead, cab driver Korben Dallas (Bruce Willis) for example works to save the planet from extinction with the help of Ruby Rhod (a whacky role played by Chris Tucker). Dallas saves the world, but only because President Lindberg (Tommy 'Tiny' Lister) said so. He's a hard as nails crazy S.O.B of a President. Someone who Russia's leader Dmitry Medvedev wouldn't dare threaten with a missile attack. Unless of course he wanted his ass handed to him.

President David Palmer - "24" (Seasons 2 and 3)

No, this is not an All-State commercial. Which reminds me, I need to pay my auto insurance. President David Palmer (Dennis Haysbert) may be seen on ads hocking you low car insurance rates but he's better known to me as the black President from 24. He was elected by the people and targeted for death, protected by Jack Bauer. This President took one crazy hand shake that almost took him out, only to come back and kick some major terrorist ass. He knocked heads with his shady ex-wife, Sherry Palmer, who sort of reminds me of Michelle Obama for some reason. He couldn't dodge the bullet two seasons later and was assassinated. Maybe he should have had that wall of bullet proof glass set up for his office windows. R.I.P

President Wayne Palmer - "24" (Season 6)

David Palmer's death paves the way for his younger brother Wayne (D.B. Woodside) to move into the Oval office. Which is rather strange that not only is there two brothers in the white house, but they are actually brothers. Since this is the 24 universe his presidential career is no easier. He helps free Jack Bauer's release from the Chinese government, fakes a nuclear bombing, is severly injured by an explosion at a press conference, and ends up in a coma by the season's end. I mean, come on. Can't a brother get some peace and quit? Then again, this shows that you'd elect two black men into the office before a Women, let alone a Hispanic. Gee, thanks a lot. I'm feeling the love here.

President Mays Gilliam - "Head of State"

"Head of State"

Chris Rock takes to the white house, and not for some comedy special. His character, a fired D.C. official Mays Gilliam, gets his party’s nomination for presidency he can hardly believe it. But after speaking his mind about society’s ills (as well as hiring a Klan member to endorse his White opponent) this underdog seems to be the rise. So it's easy to see that he had to do a little bit of Republican dirty tricks to get into the white house but hey, whatever gets you in the door. What's not to like about Chris Rock as President? He tells it like it is and is funny as all hell. I'd elect him a second time around.

President Darth Vader... er... um.. Douglas Dilman - "The Man" (1972)

The Lion King was once the President. Yeah, that's right. Darth Vader was the first black screen president. When the President and Speaker of the House are killed in a building collapse, and the Vice-President declines the office due to age and ill-health, Senate President pro tempore Douglas Dilman (James Earl Jones) suddenly becomes the first brother in the Oval Office. The events from that day to the next election when he must decide if he will actually run challenge his skills as a politician and leader. To think that in 1972 the very idea of a black man in the Oval Office to 2008 when we actually will have one seems like they're a life time apart. I'm really glad that we made it to this day.

President Beck - "Deep Impact"

And finally we have one of the most dignified Presidents around. Sure James Earl Jones has the voice, but Morgan Freeman has both that and the look. But talk about shit luck. Instead of hearing him talk to us about the plight of penguins, Morgan Freeman is dealing with the East Coast getting wiped out when a comet is set to collide with planet Earth. President Beck here has devised a plan to save a million lucky people to keep the human race going. Who makes the list? Well, Beck does, of course. Talk about hope and change in a big way. At least Obama doesn't have to worry about any burning rocks from the sky in his administration.. Wait, what's this?

Meteor Shower Could Spur Bright Fireballs

The Taurid meteors, sometimes called the "Halloween fireballs," show up between mid-October and mid-November, but Nov. 5 to 12 will likely be the best time to look for them this year, taking into account both their peak of activity and the effect of increasingly bright moonlight on viewing conditions.

After the Moon sets – around 11 p.m. local time on Nov. 5, later on subsequent nights – some 10 to 15 meteors may appear per hour. They are often yellowish-orange and, as meteors go, appear to move rather slowly. Their name comes from the way they seem to radiate from the constellation Taurus, the Bull, which sits low in the east a couple of hours after sundown and is almost directly overhead by around 1:30 a.m.

Meteors – popularly referred to as "shooting stars" – are generated when debris enters and burns up in Earth's atmosphere. In the case of the Taurids, they are attributed to debris left behind by Encke's Comet, or perhaps by a much larger comet that upon disintegrating, left Encke and a lot of other rubble in its wake.

Indeed, the Taurid debris stream contains noticeably larger fragments than those shed by other comets, which is why in certain years – and 2008 is predicted to be one – this rather elderly meteor stream occasionally delivers a few unusually bright meteors known as "fireballs."

Oh well. Looks like we're heading into a Deep Impact situation. It'll at least be nice and bright as we get blown up. My regret here is that I had hoped we'd be getting a Chris Rock comedy for the next four years.

The Real America Votes

The Real America Votes



On this election day I'm reminded of what Sarah Palin said

"I believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real America, being here with all of you hardworking, very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation."

I hope that all of you in the fake America like Los Angeles, New York and any "Big City" that doesn't have a main street with a hardware store and a coffee shop show just how anti-American we are by voting for change.



America is not a Chevy truck commercial. This isn't any ones country. This is "Are" Country and I can't sit by and think that Sarah Palin would be, as cliched as it sounds, be a (lack of) heart beat away from becoming our nations first first lady in a way never heard before.


pro-America, not to be mistaken for pro-wrestling

Last I recall, our nation was founded by immigrants and the trimming of other societies that came here for freedom to live free lives. The last time I was in a small town I got a lot of looks because I wasn't blonde or white. I guess the best thing about this whole situation is that the most electoral votes come from these non pro-America places. Way to shoot yourself in the foot, Palin.

So far election turn out is on the high. People having to wait 3 hours to vote. Maybe I'm just in a place that's filled with apathetic turn outs, but there wasn't any wait for me to get an I VOTED stick. Hmmm, where should I go and load up on the free stuff?


So after casting your vote you have nothing to do other than complain some about the results. The choice now is how to watch the info come in? CNN is going to take us into the future because Wolf Blitzer will be talking to a Hologram

As election night officially kicks off in just a few hours, the network’s Wolf Blitzer will be conducting interviews with faraway strategists not via the traditional two-pane window, but by hologram. Believe it or not, professionals in Chicago and Phoenix will be beamed live to CNN’s New York studios in order to give viewers a look at Wolf and a ghostly counterpart.

Did CNN not see the Lawnmower man? Were they asleep during Tron? The shit just got real. You don't want to mess around with virtual reality. It's like WOW, only filled with less apathetic and lethargic people. Without substance, who knows what they will do? I hear there was voter intimidation at some local insane asylums from ghost in transparent sheets.

The main issue I have with this is that while I'm a gadget type of guy, I couldn't care less about 3D hologram graphs. I couldn't care less about Hologram interviews. I'm perfectly fine with just seeing one right wing conservative yap on to a left wing liberal about the current swing in the poll outcome. If you're talking about small town America being the ones that are pro-America, why are you trying to scare them with this new technology? To them it's like showing a lighter to a caveman.


The Situation Room

You shouldn't try to sell your coverage by the neat toys you got. Just give me the lay down and tell it to me straight, what states went to whom and who is winning. Stop trying to make it some web 2.0 sort of information. The fact that you're on my tv screen and you're giving me the general info on the election I'll watch. I'll tell you what I wont watch. Coverage that constantly freezes up because the equipment is so cutting edge and we all know how well new program software runs. There really is no need for a green screen. Seriously. Just give me the results.


Save the green screen for Hollywood

With the polls closing across the country, it's only a matter of time before we see what the next four years holds for our nation. If you haven't gone out and voted yet, by all means do so.

A Guid To Voting On Super Tuesday

Hey California, Print This Out and Take it With You Next Tuesday

This is very simple. Print this out and take it with you on Tuesday. Consider it your last minute cramming to the American voting system. As we speak newspapers throughout California are printing op-ed pieces that reflect the local interests of their readers (i.e. whatever agenda the media company that owns them wants them to print). Especially of interest are California's wacky propositions that only serve to further convolute our state's laws, creating a rich tapestry of contradictions and confusion that rivals the Holy Bible.

A picture of democrazy in action. Hehe.

2008's ballot measures are a doozy. There are the usual suspects, initiatives that sound really good but really only benefit the ghost of Hitler, extravagant bonds that pay for kind of useful crap, "think of the children" nonsense, and the "parental notification" one that's going for a three-peat defeat. Then there's the anti-gay marriage one which appears to have taken home Best of Show this year. Come on guys, can we argue over a different ballot measure for five damn minutes? Jesus.

With so much crap being peddled by the people of this silly state it's hard to sort out the awful propositions from the really awful propositions. What is a voter who just wants to get back to playing Fallout 3 to do?

Why, the only thing you can do. Turn that brain off, print out this page, and bring it with you when you go to the polls on Tuesday. Don't just vote the wrong way, vote the goon way. Here's a rundown of California's ballot measures and how you should vote on them.

Proposition 1A - "Safe, Reliable High-Speed Passenger Train Bond Act for the 21st Century. Haha, No Really, Trains"

How you should vote: Yes.

California High Speed Rail will eclipse the current rail speed record in California held by the locomotive seen here.

If you've ever thought about becoming a homosexual, there's no better way to start than to vote yes on Proposition 1A. Trains are gay, and gays love trains. The No On 8 campaign and the Yes On 1A campaign should join forces and redefine what a train going through a tunnel really means (anal sex involving two men by the way). What better way to celebrate your legal homosexual marriage than with a romantic trip on the high speed rail to San Francisco and a quickie in the bathroom at 220 MPH?

Now I know what you're thinking. "Ten billion for trains? Those things still exist?" When most people in America think of trains they think of crummy old Amtrak. Well, the high speed rail network in California will do several things that our current railroad network doesn't.

• It will actually go somewhere.
• It might actually get there on time.
• It won't tip over and burst into flames.

"But public transportation..." you say, "Isn't that for illegal aliens from... Mexico???" No, see, that's the beauty of high speed rail. Manny from East L.A. is priced right the hell off the train! Unlike mass transit, high speed rail makes an operating profit in countries like Japan and France. There's no reason it won't in California, especially considering brown people like me won't be able to ride it. That's a win-win for everyone.

No illegals and plenty of man ass. What's not to love? Unfortunately someone had to show up to rain on our 10 billion dollar parade. The bulk of the opposition comes from The Reason Foundation, a libertarian think tank that writes in complete sentences and uses proper grammar, so instead of refuting their claims I'm going to cherry pick some retarded comments from the Internet. Click on them to bare witness to their logic.

There is nothing faster in life than a high speed train.

Come on, FreeRepublic! This train will be 100% white! You're going to love it!

Unfounded fear mongering. The staple of any good election.

Prop 1A will create jobs, NIMBY drama, and cure cancer, the cancer that infests our transportation infrastructure in this state, that is! Go ahead and vote yes on 1A, because lawsuit after lawsuit is just going to kill it anyway.

Proposition 2 - "The Chicken One"

How you should vote: Yes.

Continuing the gay theme of this update, I'm recommending a yes vote on Proposition 2. My support for this measure isn't so much about animal rights than it is about revenge.

I used to be one of those guys who bought cage free eggs. I figured it was a good compromise. People who want chickens treated better will pay a higher price to do so. Those who don't can continue to pay lower prices for eggs. You know, free market and all that nonsense.

Hens that are allowed to extend their wings and go out for a smoke every once in a while live longer, healthier lives and produce eggs that glow in the dark.

Then I realized that just because it says "cage free" on the carton doesn't necessarily mean more humane treatment. In fact, some of these cage free hens are better off in cages.

The "free range" movement was marketed as if chickens would be chilling on Old MacDonald's farm and shitting out an egg every once in a while like Yoshi. Instead, it's cramped conditions in dark, filthy warehouses where chickens just piss and shit everywhere. And I was paying, what, 4 dollars a dozen to support this? Fuck eggs.

Since these so called free range farmers didn't hold up their end of the bargain, they all get to suffer through eggs that cost pennies more to produce, costs that will only be passed on to consumers who will hardly notice, if this measure passes. This will surely make or break many farmers struggling to survive. California may lose millions of dollars because of egg producers that left to other states or even the country just so they could stomp on chickens' heads while jerking themselves off.

We might even have to import our eggs from, God help us, Mexico. Whoops, I mean huevos. They don't screw around with giving chickens rights down there. If anything, they make them fight a couple rounds between laying eggs.

Proposition 3 - "Children's Hospital Bond Act of 2004 2008"

How you should vote: No.

The joke should be obvious here.

Proposition 4 - "HERE WE GO AGAIN"

How you should vote: No.

It wouldn't be a California election without parental notification.

I'm pro-abortion. No, not pro-choice, but pro-abortion. Abortion is simply a tool used to prevent unwanted births, nothing more or nothing less. This means abortions should be readily available at low, low prices. The stigma associated with getting an abortion should be removed through hip advertising campaigns that paint abortion as the hot new trend all the cool girls are participating in.

Maybe it could be like a Sex in the City thing where these teens strut around with their designer handbags and walk into an abortion clinic and spread their legs. I could see that commercial running on TV.

In any case, anything that gets these women to terminate their pregnancies is a good thing and anything that stands in the way of that is a bad thing. I'll tell you what the real danger is. A girl not getting an abortion because she doesn't want her parents to know, waiting until it's too late to terminate the pregnancy, only to get beaten by the abusive father figure once she ask for permission or advice on getting the abortion. Or choosing to then giving birth to a kid that's only going to grow up and carjack you.

I can fear monger too, you know.

Proposition 5 - "Get Out of Jail and Into the Treatment Center of My Heart Act"

How you should vote: Yes.

People don't always vote so much on the actual text of the law a proposition is based on but on the ideology that led to its creation. Regardless of what Proposition 5 specifically does, it breaks away from our failed drug control policies to offer something that may just be more effective, treatment as opposed to jail for nonviolent offenders. As long as a line making the act of shot putting newborn puppies off a cliff legal isn't buried somewhere deep in the text of the law, I'm okay with it.

The idea is that the guy who stole my stereo, if he did it to feed a drug addiction, would be offered rehabilitation instead of jail so that when all is said and done, he hopefully loses his insatiable lust for drugs and thievery and becomes a productive member of society.

Of course, it doesn't always work. But then again neither does our ridiculous "war on drugs".

Proposition 6 - "Gently Caress The Police"

How you should vote: No.

Tupac opposes Prop 6 because it will spend one billion dollars on unproven programs with ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY.

If Prop 5 is designed to relieve stress on our overcrowded prisons, then Prop 6 is its mortal enemy. It seeks to pack more prisoners into jails with tougher penalties on trivial things like being a gang member while committing extortion, robbery, and intimidating witnesses. A life sentence for carjacking sounds nice, but don't these guys usually find Allah in prison (well, the version that doesn't want to kill us all)? A parole hearing isn't out of the question after a couple of decades if the dude starts seeing Muhammad in the walls of his prison cell.

The measure also makes meth possession a felony and increases prison terms for possession of meth with an intent to sell. I wonder how someone could reconcile voting yes on both 5 and 6.

There's also some wacky stuff about expanding the situations in which hearsay evidence is permissible in court. Lionel Hutz is spinning in his grave.

Of course, this thing is going to pass because hey, police funding and gangs. What the hell am I going to say? "Fuck the police"? Sometimes you just have to pick your battles.

Propositions 7 and 10 - "The Feel-Good Ballot Initiatives of the Year!"

How you should vote: No on both.

Both the California Democratic Party and the California Republican Party are opposing Prop 7. You don't even have to read the goddamn thing to know that you're going to vote no on this. I'm not going to waste your time even telling you what it's about.

Prop 10 is the infamous payday for natural gas baron T. Boone Pickens. Renewable energy and alternative fuel vehicles sound good and a few morons will vote yes on this, but this proposition will provide a billion dollars in rebates to purchasers of "heavy-duty vehicles weighing 25,000 pounds or more" as opposed to $340 million for high and very high fuel economy light vehicles.

The idea is to sell more heavy-duty vehicles that run on natural gas, a product sold by the backers of this ballot measure.

Both measures sound good in theory, like the time my girlfriend said her flow was light and that it was okay to go down there, but all these two propositions will result in is a bloody fiscal mess.

Proposition 8 - "The Make Sonic The Hedgehog Less Gay Act of 2008"

How you should vote: No.

If you don't know my stance on this issue, you haven't been reading this blog much. So I'll just take this time to make a stupid joke at the expense of Sonic The Hedgehog.

In the glory days of 16-bit consoles Sonic the Hedgehog was the edgy alternative to Mario. He was faster, more hip, and was blue, basically the opposite of poor old Mario. Unfortunately Mario has aged far more gracefully than Sonic has, turning Sonic into the video game equivalent of an old queen.

This goes against my religion. I'm pretty sure it goes against all religions though.

Sonic the Hedgehog has always been a progressive figure. The Sonic saga was one of the first to feature the first openly gay video game character, Miles "Tails" Prower ("Miles Per Hour"). Sonic did not care that Tails was gay and neither did we. Unfortunately homosexual liberals have perverted the legacy of Sonic to turn his games into festering piles of queer bait that are played in our schools.

Prop 8 seeks to redefine Sonic from the icon of furry perversion back into a figurehead for alternative console mascots everywhere. It was Sonic who led the fight against Mario, alongside Crash Bandicoot, Gex, and other failed mascots, similar to how Rachael Ray and Ellen battle Oprah in the eternal struggle for the attention of stupid women.

This law mandates that Sega make a good Sonic game within three years of its passing. Failure to do so would turn Sega into a furniture company.

VOTE YES TO PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF THE GREEN HILL ZONE. Vote no on the real one by the way.

Proposition 12 - "Round Eye Bond Act of 2008"

How you should vote: Don't bother. It's money for veterans.

It's going to pass anyway, like it did the last 26 times. In fact if you try to vote you might even screw up and become the only one to vote no on it. Then you go to hell.

Budget crisis be damned. This is your chance, California. Let's put newly rehabilitated big gay construction dudes to work on our big gay trains so we can get gay married while we eat gay eggs from Mexican chickens. California, redefining gay while hiding from creditors.

Damn, by the way, I left my wallet in my other pants. Can you get this one? Thanks a ton.