Twilight - You Make It So Easy To Hate You

Twilight - You Make It So Easy To Hate You

How can I hate you so much? Oh, I know - it's cause you're a terrible book and your films are perfect translations to them.. in that they capture how awful they are and how it's some of the worse reading material this side of Atlas Shrugged.

How anyone could find that sort of "romance" appealing is beyond me. It's not even on the boarder of stalking/creepy/disturbing. It dances on that line and jumps over it a good five feet. The whole Mormonism that is embedded into the book is really scary in itself.



But if I didn't have reason enough to hate you, now I realize you've ruined a perfectly good Neil Gaiman novel. He recently spoke to the independent and told them he abandoned his next big novel because it had a vampire in it, and there have been too many vampires lately

“The saddest thing is that it runs the risk of making vampires not scary. I will be glad when the glut is over. Maybe they will be scary again. I like my creatures of the night a little nocturnal,” he said. “My next big novel was going to have a vampire. Now, I’m probably not. They are everywhere, they’re like cockroaches.”

He said he hoped that mainstream culture would lose its interest in the undead so that vampire fiction could regain its potency. “Maybe it’s time for this to play out and go away. It’s good sometimes to leave the field fallow. I think some of this stuff is being over-farmed,” he said.

So we could have a had a big vampire novel from Neil Gaiman but thanks to Twilight and the beating of the horse that is going on with vampires, it's a no go.

I do agree with him that the market is over saturated as it is. And who knows if this might actually make him create something better. I sort of wish more creators did this. Self censoring, it would have stopped a lot of the stupidity that happened with Zombies over the last few years.



Another of the many main flaws of Twilight, I think is the fact that Bella is such a worthless character. Why the hell does anyone give a damn about that sullen, mopey girl? This whole movie series only works if the viewer and reader thinks Bella is wonderful, but it completely falls apart for anyone who sees that she's just a dull, lifeless husk of a person. There's nothing of substance behind her.

It seems that all the actors graduated from the Keanu Reeves Thespian School, but Kristen Stewart is the worse offender. I guess you can blame the source material for this shit. Then you get to the last book, the next films (as they're going to Harry Potter this up and stretch one book to two films) which, to be honest, I think is great.

Why? Because BREAKING DAWN is beyond comical. I'm sure you'll see another blog post bashing it and getting into far more detail soon, but the short of it is, the two finally are married and the first time they have sex he fucks her so hard she gets knocked the fuck out. She recovers and they try again. He some how has working sperm and she gets knocked up.

But there's a problem, you see the baby grows faster than expected and with its vampire super powers breaks her rib and paralyzes her by kicking. Complications with the birth leave vamp boy no choice but to literally chew a C-section to get the baby out. She almost dies but gets turned into a vampire and Wolf boy falls in love with the baby who was wonderfully named Renesmee. That's just the sum up but that's for another blog post.

While you're looking forward to seeing that train wreck on screen, let's get to what happened over the holiday weekend it took in a lot of money in the box office to no one's surprise.

Summit's crown jewel kept getting bigger. Eclipse, the third installment of the lucrative five-film Twilight franchise, debuted to heated anticipation and generated a stunning $161M in ticket sales in its first five days of release from Wednesday to Sunday, according to estimates.

Would you look at that underdog of a movie breaking those box office records that clearly no one ever thought they could.. It's not like this film has seeped into American culture so much that we can't even get politics done without it interruptin.....



FUCK! Come on, really? We're interviewing a future judge and we can't move past Twilight? What the shit is this shit. Yes, sorry for the harsh language but it's really bothersome to think that we're wrapped so tightly into this cultural tween craze that we can't even get through nomination interviews without it coming up.

Though I can't say it's all bad. Thanks to Team Jacob, we get this golden nugget through the wonders of every moron owning a camera and the bandwidth to upload it onto Youtube without any shame..



TOO BAD YOU GOT SENT TO ISS! FAG!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I could ignore the stupid tweens who go crazy for this shit and I stopped caring about their crazy fanaticism a while ago as long as we get comedy gold like that every now and then. The books were shit and the films copied that trend, but at least the fans are making up for it by remaining stupid as ever.

But let's all tell the truth now, if you weren't a teen werewolf in Jr. high/HS, you are a shit person today. Add in you're a terrible liar. Just sayin'. Who wasn't a teen werewolf? I mean.. come on! Who doesn't want to be a hairy beast that runs outside during a full moon?

I love the comments section "Did you become a teenage werewolf before or after twilight?" to his response of "I became one before (can provide proof if anyone doubts me)"

So while it is easy to hate Twilight, and don't doubt me, I actually put money in said mouth and read the books. They were AWFUL. But at least they have some comedic value. Take for example the Twilight Rifftrax, which made the movies a good drinking game and group adventure.



Now a couple of days ago a friend on facebook posted the following:

How does a vampire achieve an erection? This is truly bothering me...

You know what, that question is really quiet disturbing. I mean.. it's really disturbing. Logically speaking, vampires are dead creatures. They don't have blood flowing through their veins. So how is it that a vampire can maintain a stiffness if they have no blood flowing to said veins?

You want to have your minds blown some more? How does a Frankensiten's monster and an Undead vampire countess have a werewolf child? The Munsters never tackled this subject but I'm guessing that was because it was the 1960's and judging from I Love Lucy's separate bed situation, we just didn't talk about such things.

But back to the real question on how does a Emo vampire get it on. While they suck blood, it doesn't cycle through their system in such a manner. They are dead after all. The whole mythos of Twilight vampires is that their skin is hard like diamonds, thus the shininess in the sunlight. They have, my god I can't believe I know this shit, vampire venom to lube up their skin so that they could move. Yes, this is what that Mormon bitch actually wrote down.

In fact, she actually even addresses the whole process of how an dead creature could have working sperm to knock up a human in the Breaking Dawn FAQ..

Vampires and pregnancy: when did that idea occur to you? How does that work?

I was always very careful when I answered the "Can vampires have babies?" question, because I didn't want to say anything incorrect, but I also didn't want to make the future super-obvious. I focused my answers on the female half of the equation—female vampires cannot have children because their bodies no longer change in any aspect. There is no changing cycle to begin with, and their bodies couldn't expand to fit a growing child, either. I purposely evaded answering the question, "Can a male vampire get a human female pregnant?" to preserve a tiny bit of surprise in the last book. There were many statements on this subject purported to have come from me, but I never made those comments because, obviously, I knew where this was going.

Now, on to the "how is this possible?" question. First of all, of course it's not possible. None of this story is possible. It's a fantasy story about creatures that don't actually exist. Within the context of the fantasy, however, this is how it works:

Vampires are physically similar enough to their human origins to pass as humans under some circumstances (like cloudy days). There are many basic differences. They appear to have skin like ours, albeit very fair skin. The skin serves the same general purpose of protecting the body. However, the cells that make up their skin are not pliant like our cells, they are hard and reflective like crystal. A fluid similar to the venom in their mouths works as a lubricant between the cells, which makes movement possible (note: this fluid is very flammable). A fluid similar to the same venom lubricates their eyes so that their eyes can move easily in their sockets. (However, they don't produce tears because tears exist to protect the eye from damage, and nothing is going to be able to scratch a vampire's eye.) The lubricant-venom in the eyes and skin is not able to infect a human the way saliva-venom can. Similarly, throughout the vampire's body are many versions of venom-based fluids that retain a marked resemblance to the fluid that was replaced, and function in much the same way and toward the same purpose. Though there is no venom replacement that works precisely like blood, many of the functions of blood are carried on in some form. Also, the nervous system runs in a slightly different but heightened way. Some involuntary reactions, like breathing, continue (in that specific example because vampires use the scents in the air much more than we do, rather than out of a need for oxygen). Other involuntary reactions, like blinking, don't exist because there is no purpose for them. The normal reactions of arousal are still present in vampires, made possible by venom-related fluids that cause tissues to react similarly as they do to an influx of blood. Like with vampire skin—which looks similar to human skin and has the same basic function—fluids closely related to seminal fluids still exist in male vampires, which carry genetic information and are capable of bonding with a human ovum. This was not a known fact in the vampire world (outside of Joham's personal experimenting) before Nessie, because it's nearly impossible for a vampire to be that near a human and not kill her.

I didn't get into all of these details at my signings because it's a long, complicated mouthful. Also, it's hard to be clearly heard with all the screaming. Mostly, though, I waited to do this in writing because I have an immature, Homer Simpson-like tendency to giggle when I say the words "seminal fluids" in public.

So.. um.. yeah. There you go. Stephenie Meyer giggles at the thought of sperm. Yes, the person who wrote such a graphic description of.. um.. whatever the fuck that was in book three. All the "knock you out sex" and fetus rib and back breaking kicks shy's away at the thought of body fluid.

But hey, it answered the question, I guess. Vampires get you knocked up by ejaculating their venom into you. But I would like to point out the irony in this female empowering book where Bella has the choice of who she picks. The male vampire is the only one who can mate as female vampires are never changing. Add in that once turned, you are no longer pro-life, you have no ability of your sexual organs anymore.

But hey, let's forget all about that, I wonder what that freak is up to;

Three Wolf Moon Shirts Ain't Got Shit On Me!

Three Wolf Moon Shirts Ain't Got Shit On Me!

Fuck you Mom, I don't want to play Xbox360, I'm a Teen Wolf! You need to watch this.. I mean, really. Just watch it.



My gut reaction to the story can be put no other way than this following Sinfield gif.



First off, Learn how to fucking pronounce Clique properly, you fucking cocksuckers! I love how the news report tries to bring you into the story. "What were you in high school?" Yesss! Finally a chance to live my glory days again! Oh white people, stop being so silly.

I like how they mention that Gangsters are posers cause they tag on the walls cause they just want attention and shit. Yet these fools wear wolf tails because? All this is, is a strange mutation of furries.

But let's go down the list of cliques. We got the Cheerleaders, nerds, jocks and goths. Oh yeah, and now we need to include the fucking werewolves. Let's not fool ourselves. These kids are just goth kids with tails. They really need to try harder.



This has got to be the gayest pretense for teenagers to hook up that I've ever seen and I was a huge fucking nerd on the computer club who played Magic:TG when I was a teenager. But again, Gangs are posers and just want attention... right. I like how this news department, instead of reporting on the war or BP's massive oil spill, the news reports on teen werewolves. Clearly a good example that we're fucked as a nation.

These kids are going to kill themselves when they are 25. I was such a douche when I was young and I wanted to kill myself and I was, like, 1% as douchey as this group. They can't even admit that they're going for the whole Team Jacob bullshit of twilight. At least grow a pair and admit to the fact that this is some "hip" attempt to cash in on Twilight craze.


This group is cooler than those werewolf teenagers

Speaking of which, Twilight is like Soccer in that everybody runs around for two hours and nobody scores, then all the fans just say you don't get it. Though they do have rough vampire sex in the last book. Which almost kills bella. She doesn't remember it, cause you know.. HA HA, Robert Patterson sucks, but then when she becomes a vampire she does. Really makes you think.. About what, I have no fucking clue. Back to the freak show here.

I really can't wait till the controversy about the werewolf imprinting and wanting to fuck the baby comes about. That's when this Twilight craze will really seem silly(ier than it already is) The only time teen werewolvness has ever been cool was the 80's and even that shit is questionable.

I worked with the star of Teen Wolf 2 and he didn't have fond memories of that shit. So maybe we should just drink till we forget this shit ever happened.

Never Forget to Remember Me

Never Forget to Remember Me

Ever since I was a wee lad I wanted to work in the "talking pictures." Maybe it was because I was born and raised in Los Angeles and even though I do work on a film studio right now, I know there's one thing stopping me from being a director. My reckless abandonment of anything sane.

As a little boy playing with action figures and setting them up to star in my movie I imagined how awesome it would be to make a completely sober, serious movie and play it straight for 99% of the run-time and then introduce a completely ridiculous non-sequitur ending like the main character succumbing to Spontaneous Human Combustion, Aliens coming down and raping him, getting run over by my parents car tire as they pull up the drive way, or something equally absurd, just for the sheer sake of trolling the audience.

Now I don't have to imagine what it's like anymore. Robert Pattinson's new film Remember Me did it for me. Oh, don't want to get a film you wouldn't have seen anyway spoiled? Fucking pussy.



For those of you still reading, Bravo! You're in for some expected treats. Imagine this - A modern love story set in what New Yorkers believe is the epicenter of the world, New York. Two people come across and have a relationship that is the bees-knees. They have their issues and one has daddy issues. Finally resolving those daddy issues, even if it causes the relationship to suffer, he goes and visits his father.. in Tower 1 of the WTC.. on September 11th.. And there you go, WHAT A TWIST!

According to the first reviews on Rotton Tomatoes, there's no foreshadowing of the ending. It just happens. I mean, think about it, I severely doubt that they are going to toss in a "Meanwhile in Afghanistan" in the middle of these two young twenty something love birds enjoying their young love in New York.

Just imagine that being attached to your romance film. Camera zooms out of window at New York Skyline, you see a plane heading straight at Pattinson, camera turns around and zooms into Pattinson's eye. Explosion. Fade to black. The average unprepared moviegoer just sits, and stares. Isn't that right, some loser at AICN?

Many of you have already heard about this ending; some are just reading to confirm that it is in fact the ending you’ve been hearing so much about. Yes. It is that ending. Just as Tyler gets a precious glimpse into the mind of his father and feels, for the first time, as if he understands him, his father’s secretary asks “How old would your brother be?” “28. He died May 20th, 1995. You should know that.” Throughout the film it is mentioned that his brother died at the age of 22. Just as you begin doing the mental math, plugging six years into that equation and realizing that they just celebrated Labor Day – we cut back to Tyler’s little sister in her classroom. The teacher steps out from in front of the chalkboard. It reads September 11, 2001. Back to Tyler who steps over to the window and looks out over the city. Gosh he’s high above it. Now we’re outside looking in. The building is unmistakable. We pull back and see its twin framed behind it.

All this time the film has failed to mention that Tyler’s dad works in the World Trade Center. Now I’ve been told that other prints showing around the country set up the date of the film as taking place in 2001 on a title card towards the beginning – some press materials are including this as well. Our print apparently didn’t have it. No one I spoke too saw a date. But twist or not, surprise or not, my response is the same. This ending is cheap, low and despicable. It’s bad enough when a love story aims to rob the audience of a happy ending through an easy but tragic twist of fate accident like being run over by a bus or struck with brain cancer or some such horrible thing; but when you invoke the single most profound, horrifying, culture changing event of the modern era, you best have something powerful to say about it.

That shock of an ending is great. I don't even mind that they're totally ripping off an idea about a romantic comedy where an adorable couple gets into a series of wacky hijinks as they take a train across Europe and then BAM! the infamous gates to Auschwitz close behind them.


This film just went viral

The film would only be better if he somehow got to time travel and met Dale Earnhardt jut before he dies in a car wreck. Or how about if the second plane turned into a werewolf and fought with Robter Pattinson over the love of the first plane, which turned into a woman....

I just have to wonder how on top of wardrobe they were. I mean, think about how much of a pain it must have been to be the Script supervisor on this film? No iPhones, nobody texting other people, Zoolander posters all over the place, iPods powered by coal - They really did keep this as a period piece, damn it! It's brilliant if you think about it. This movie, if it is ever remembered, will be remembered for unzipping its pants and letting 9/11 flap down onto an audience made entirely of fat women, preteen girls and my friend Ray, who loves him some chick flicks.

I also have to hand it to Pattinson. He's sure knows how to troll people. If not with proof of this film, but with his life in general as a magnet for teenage fangirls.

"I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina."

HE even hates Twilight. Or at least his character.

"When you read the [Twilight series], it’s like saying ‘Edward Cullen is so beautiful I creamed myself’. I mean every line is like that. He’s the most ridiculous person who’s so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn’t do it. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that’s how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he’s a 108 year-old virgin, so there’s clearly some issues there."

I think I just met my new homie. He is seriously comically amazing. You have to admit, now that's just funny. If that doesn't make you think twice about this guy then how about how he treats his stalkers.

"I had a stalker while filming a movie in Spain last year. She stood outside of my apartment every day for weeks—all day every day. I was so bored and lonely that I went out and had dinner with her. I just complained about everything in my life and she never came back. People get bored of me in, like, two minutes."

At first you must think that it's kind of sad that an internationally known actor would be so bored in his apartment that he'd hang out with his stalker and then drive her away. Maybe that emo vampire shit really got to him, right? WRONG! That right there is the best way to deal with a stalker.

If Jodie Foster just took John Hinckley out to a cafe and talked about her cats and told "funny" stories about how she thought she lost her shoes but they were just behind the door, The ol' gipper wouldn't have had to take a shot in the chest.



So this news got me to thinking about other films and what other "out of nowhere" endings happened.

The Knowing
Easy Rider
A Serious Man
From Dusk Till Dawn
Jason X
City of Angels
Carrie
Identity

But the winner of this "Out of fucking nowhere WTF?!?!" award goes to Dead Or Alive.

"A yakuza of Chinese descent and a Japanese cop each wage their own war against the Japanese mafia. But they are destined to meet. Their encounter will change the world."

And that's not even much of a spoiler.. because really, all you now know is that the ending comes out of fucking nowhere. Remember Me, welcome to the list of movies that make no logical sense as to why they ended the way they did.

The final cherry on top of all this is that the director was asked why he titled the film "Remember me"? his reply is that "Never Forget" would have been too obvious. Nice one. Well played there. Well played indeed. The only way you could have one upped yourself was by having the ending credit go up really fast while playing Yakkety Sax. Which, while I very rarely would do it, sort of makes me have to end this blog entry with Tribute.wmv

Keeping An Open Ear For A New Moon

Keeping An Open Ear For A New Moon

How embarrassing this must be. I feel like a republican getting caught in the restroom with another women.. or even worse, another man, shortly after making a speech about the sanctity of marriage. It's like I just got caught doing some double standard I would normally be rebelling against or talking so much shit about.

You see, you caught me. Or more to the point, I'm just fessing up to this. I listened to the soundtrack to the new Twilight movie, New Moon. But there's a pretty good reason why. After the album dropped both in record stores last week as well as its fair share of panties, I'm sure, I was told that I should take a listen to this compilation.



At first I chuckled, nay, laughed in the persons instant messengers virtual face. My disgust for this franchise said no, but my taste in music says yes. That factoed with the realization that I had nothing else to download lead me down the road to where I am now writing this. To my surprise, it's a really surprisingly good soundtrack. I mean, take a look at the list of artist on this thing;

1. Death Cab For Cutie - Meet Me On The Equinox 3:44
2. Band Of Skulls - Friends 3:09
3. Thom Yorke - Hearing Damage 5:04
4. Lykke Li - Possibility 5:06
5. The Killers - A White Demon Love Song 3:34
6. Anya Marina - Satellite Heart 3:33
7. Muse - I Belong To You (New Moon Remix) 3:12
8. Bon Iver & St. Vincent - Roslyn 4:49
9. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Done All Wrong 2:49
10.Hurricane Bells - Monsters 3:16
11.Sea Wolf - The Violet Hour 3:32
12.OK Go - Shooting The Moon 3:18
13.Grizzly Bear - Slow Life 4:21
14.Editors - No Sound But The Wind 3:48
15.Alexandre Desplat - New Moon (The Meadow) 4:09

For such a mainstream soundtrack to a pile of dog shit that is the Twilight franchise, they sure got themselves a pretty extensive list of Indie bands that would make any hipster and scenster wet themselves. I have to say it again, that's a large amount of Indie credibility that they have going on one disc. It's so sharp that you should watch your wrist as it could cut them.. and not just for show!

How could you not get down with your emo self with stuff like “Possibility” sung by the Swedish indie artist Lykke Li on the cd? Looking into the way the disc came to be should have been a good justification as to why it carries the sound style it does. It's said that the soundtrack selection reflects the film's cracked out teenbopper love stories direction that this new Twilight film will carry.

The artist and songs were chosen to portray that aloneness. And really, when you're all the way up in the sticks areas of Washington state, aloneness is really all you have going for yourself. I should know. I was a simple couple of hours away from the little shit hole area that this franchise takes place and from what I hear, it's become the tween destination. I say screw it, just go to Seattle and enjoy the delicious foods and leave it at that.

Now, there's been some really good soundtracks this past year. I loved Away We Go for the way it set up the movie's mood and just how it progressed the story. 500 Days Of Summer was another one that, well, needs no explanation as I've already written at least two blogs about it. So to put up a soundtrack from the Twilight series next to those is a bit crazy. But it's absolutely true.

I couldn't care any less about this movie franchise. I saw the first one in Rifftrax form, so know I only watched it so I can berate and make fun of how utterly awful it was. I mean, I struggled with myself. Do I admit that I enjoy this soundtrack or do I delete all the artists who contributed to this from my computer? Until I heard it all, I didn't know for a second. The end result is that I have no interest in the film and will more than likely never watch it unless really drunk or it's being mocked. The soundtrack, though, is really good.

Defending The Twilight

Defending The Twilight

I have to say that I hate the fandom of Twilight. It's like a mixture of Titanic and Star Wars. Only not the original trilogy Star Wars. More like the prequels. In that it was fun for those new to the franchise and young at the time type of people, but everyone else really hated it. Which makes sense. I mean, there is a nerd hierarchy in place here. What the current standings are, I do not know. All I know is that I paid my dues and I out rank most of them. Yup, king of the mountain on this empire of shit.

I'll admit it. I watched the first Twilight movie. It was about vampires, I figured why not. It also helped that I watched the Riftrax version of it. Which is the fine folks from Mystery Science Theater 3000 making fun of the movie the whole way through. In all honesty, that was the only way I would be able to make it through the entire thing without killing myself.

God, what an awful movie. It was poorly directed, poorly written, poorly acted. The vampire mythos really got a stake driven into its heart because of it. Glittery vampires in the sun instead of burning up? What the hell?! What is this gay shit?



I mean, I can't say that Anne Rice's Vampire stories were any more manlier. They had gay vampires and did you see Brad Pitt in that film? He must have been taking it up the kiester right there and then! But at least they don't glitter and sparkle in the sunlight. What the hell is up with that bullshit? Vampires should burn in the sun. Not be a case where they look like they got into a fight with an arts and crafts basket. That's the biggest downfall to this whole Twilight thing, the future of Vampires will be determined by these tweens.

Which will be soon as there's a new Twilight movie coming out. I could research WHEN it does come out, but since I don't give a fuck and I'll more than likely realize it when the lines start forming around the block at a local theater for it, I'll just say within some time in the future. To witness how poorly acted this one will be, here's a little snippet from Comic con



That was some terrible acting. And what is up with the teenage ripping off his shirt every chance he gets. I suppose if I had a set of wash board abs and peaks that never stop, I would be showing it off to everyone as well. And while I can't complain about the romance between human/freak creature in these films because I am a fan of buffy and she not only hooked up with one but two vamppires, I'm sure she would have some self control and not date Edward. I suppose that leaves it up to Dawn to date Eddie before they split it off and he went to a different city where he opened up a P.I. Business. Right?

But then I'm reminded of the nerd food chain again by none other than Kevin Smith.



Who makes a valid point. While I may not enjoy any of these fruits of labor from the nerd pilgrimage of new vampire fans that spawn from Twilight.. What with their potential leather and gothy latex fetish when they become of legal age, I suppose I can thank the nerd works of Joss Whedon for what I have today. Thanks Joss! I'm sure I'll high five you the next time I see you.. which I think has been overdue for a while. Last time was at the Serenity screening.

It's true though. These sorts of films may be god awful, but they plant the seeds of nerdom in the youth and that's a good thing. Yes, it may be something I look down to right now, but unlike pot, this is a gate way drug into the nerd world. So I'll welcome Twilight with a hand shake into the world of Comic con. It may have ruined the show for anyone trying to get into Hall H and I'll never make the mistake of seeing any of the films from the franchise, it still introduces new nerds into the fold here. Much like Chris Rock on the whole O.J. Simpson situation, I'm not saying I would watch this shit... but I can understand.

The Twilight Support Group For Men

The Twilight Support Group For Men

Does a support group for men who had to sit and watch Twilight because of their girlfriends exist? I know a lot of guys will be dragged out by their wife, girlfriend or person they are dating. It can lead to a lot of problems like heavy drinking.

If one doesn't exist, I would like to create one. I hear that AA gets a lot of funding to keep it going. I'm pretty sure I can make a good amount off it. Then again, the amount made would only come second to actually being able to help any man who had to sit through Twilight because of their girlfriend.

Now that it's out on DVD, I think the threat of this film is ten fold based on the fact that your gal can pop it into the DVD player at any given moment and surprise you with it. No longer can you call in a bomb threat to the theater nor can you just eat a lot of Mexican food before the showing so that you're stuck in the bathroom with your DS. She can and will pause the DVD till you come out of hiding.

Just remember, sometimes divorce is the only option.



I was lucky that I didn't HAVE to watch this. At least not in it raw form. But considering I had to sit through it to know how to deal with it so I would know how to help those who did have to, I went with the alternative and watched this as a Rifftrax. It was worth the pain I went through to be able to hear people make fun of it. So I had my own support group while watching it.

Care to see how the quality of the colored commentary of the Rifftrax is, click this sentence.

I never thought I would watch Twilight. Not unless I was forced to with the threat of not getting any sex or anything, but that rifftrax nearly killed me because I was laughing so long. I expected this to be great, given how bad the regular film is, but the rifftrax version makes this one of the funniest movies out there. It transcends bad to worse and goes back to completely funny. Then again, the moment you turn off the rifftrack it becomes a steaming pile of glittery shit.

I mean, it probably was one of the worst directed, worst shot and worst edited movies I've seen in years without the commentary. Anyone who even thinks about watching a vampire movie should just go see Let The Right One In. At least before the American remake comes out. Now that's a



I mean, seriously, NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE! The conflict isn't even introduced till the last 30 minutes. Besides, Edward is like 107 years old. What does he see in Bella? No matter how old she lives to be, he's always going to have 90 years of wisdom on her. Why does he still have the mind of a teenager? Most of all, why is he still going to school? If I lived that long I would not be repeating the same grade over and over again.

What was up with the skin? I know vampire lure changes over time but sunlight turns your skin shinny? The book describes him as looking like his skin is covered in tiny diamonds when in sunlight. This was about as not-retarded as they could possibly make that look, but really it's retarded in general to have a vampire turn into fucking sparkles when in sunlight.

I don't really understand WHY so many female fans of this think that this is anything a man could watch. It's like telling them to play with Bratz. If anything else ever needed a support group, it would be this. Especially with the sequel coming out down the line. I mean, look at this shit



It looks like a stinker. But as you can see from this news story, it's not only the movie that stinks.