Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Twilight - You Make It So Easy To Hate You

Twilight - You Make It So Easy To Hate You

How can I hate you so much? Oh, I know - it's cause you're a terrible book and your films are perfect translations to them.. in that they capture how awful they are and how it's some of the worse reading material this side of Atlas Shrugged.

How anyone could find that sort of "romance" appealing is beyond me. It's not even on the boarder of stalking/creepy/disturbing. It dances on that line and jumps over it a good five feet. The whole Mormonism that is embedded into the book is really scary in itself.

But if I didn't have reason enough to hate you, now I realize you've ruined a perfectly good Neil Gaiman novel. He recently spoke to the independent and told them he abandoned his next big novel because it had a vampire in it, and there have been too many vampires lately
“The saddest thing is that it runs the risk of making vampires not scary. I will be glad when the glut is over. Maybe they will be scary again. I like my creatures of the night a little nocturnal,” he said. “My next big novel was going to have a vampire. Now, I’m probably not. They are everywhere, they’re like cockroaches.”

He said he hoped that mainstream culture would lose its interest in the undead so that vampire fiction could regain its potency. “Maybe it’s time for this to play out and go away. It’s good sometimes to leave the field fallow. I think some of this stuff is being over-farmed,” he said.
So we could have a had a big vampire novel from Neil Gaiman but thanks to Twilight and the beating of the horse that is going on with vampires, it's a no go.

I do agree with him that the market is over saturated as it is. And who knows if this might actually make him create something better. I sort of wish more creators did this. Self censoring, it would have stopped a lot of the stupidity that happened with Zombies over the last few years.

Another of the many main flaws of Twilight, I think is the fact that Bella is such a worthless character. Why the hell does anyone give a damn about that sullen, mopey girl? This whole movie series only works if the viewer and reader thinks Bella is wonderful, but it completely falls apart for anyone who sees that she's just a dull, lifeless husk of a person. There's nothing of substance behind her.

It seems that all the actors graduated from the Keanu Reeves Thespian School, but Kristen Stewart is the worse offender. I guess you can blame the source material for this shit. Then you get to the last book, the next films (as they're going to Harry Potter this up and stretch one book to two films) which, to be honest, I think is great.

Why? Because BREAKING DAWN is beyond comical. I'm sure you'll see another blog post bashing it and getting into far more detail soon, but the short of it is, the two finally are married and the first time they have sex he fucks her so hard she gets knocked the fuck out. She recovers and they try again. He some how has working sperm and she gets knocked up.

But there's a problem, you see the baby grows faster than expected and with its vampire super powers breaks her rib and paralyzes her by kicking. Complications with the birth leave vamp boy no choice but to literally chew a C-section to get the baby out. She almost dies but gets turned into a vampire and Wolf boy falls in love with the baby who was wonderfully named Renesmee. That's just the sum up but that's for another blog post.

While you're looking forward to seeing that train wreck on screen, let's get to what happened over the holiday weekend it took in a lot of money in the box office to no one's surprise.
Summit's crown jewel kept getting bigger. Eclipse, the third installment of the lucrative five-film Twilight franchise, debuted to heated anticipation and generated a stunning $161M in ticket sales in its first five days of release from Wednesday to Sunday, according to estimates.
Would you look at that underdog of a movie breaking those box office records that clearly no one ever thought they could.. It's not like this film has seeped into American culture so much that we can't even get politics done without it interruptin.....

FUCK! Come on, really? We're interviewing a future judge and we can't move past Twilight? What the shit is this shit. Yes, sorry for the harsh language but it's really bothersome to think that we're wrapped so tightly into this cultural tween craze that we can't even get through nomination interviews without it coming up.

Though I can't say it's all bad. Thanks to Team Jacob, we get this golden nugget through the wonders of every moron owning a camera and the bandwidth to upload it onto Youtube without any shame..


Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I could ignore the stupid tweens who go crazy for this shit and I stopped caring about their crazy fanaticism a while ago as long as we get comedy gold like that every now and then. The books were shit and the films copied that trend, but at least the fans are making up for it by remaining stupid as ever.

But let's all tell the truth now, if you weren't a teen werewolf in Jr. high/HS, you are a shit person today. Add in you're a terrible liar. Just sayin'. Who wasn't a teen werewolf? I mean.. come on! Who doesn't want to be a hairy beast that runs outside during a full moon?

I love the comments section "Did you become a teenage werewolf before or after twilight?" to his response of "I became one before (can provide proof if anyone doubts me)"

So while it is easy to hate Twilight, and don't doubt me, I actually put money in said mouth and read the books. They were AWFUL. But at least they have some comedic value. Take for example the Twilight Rifftrax, which made the movies a good drinking game and group adventure.

Now a couple of days ago a friend on facebook posted the following:
How does a vampire achieve an erection? This is truly bothering me...
You know what, that question is really quiet disturbing. I mean.. it's really disturbing. Logically speaking, vampires are dead creatures. They don't have blood flowing through their veins. So how is it that a vampire can maintain a stiffness if they have no blood flowing to said veins?

You want to have your minds blown some more? How does a Frankensiten's monster and an Undead vampire countess have a werewolf child? The Munsters never tackled this subject but I'm guessing that was because it was the 1960's and judging from I Love Lucy's separate bed situation, we just didn't talk about such things.

But back to the real question on how does a Emo vampire get it on. While they suck blood, it doesn't cycle through their system in such a manner. They are dead after all. The whole mythos of Twilight vampires is that their skin is hard like diamonds, thus the shininess in the sunlight. They have, my god I can't believe I know this shit, vampire venom to lube up their skin so that they could move. Yes, this is what that Mormon bitch actually wrote down.

In fact, she actually even addresses the whole process of how an dead creature could have working sperm to knock up a human in the Breaking Dawn FAQ..

Vampires and pregnancy: when did that idea occur to you? How does that work?

I was always very careful when I answered the "Can vampires have babies?" question, because I didn't want to say anything incorrect, but I also didn't want to make the future super-obvious. I focused my answers on the female half of the equation—female vampires cannot have children because their bodies no longer change in any aspect. There is no changing cycle to begin with, and their bodies couldn't expand to fit a growing child, either. I purposely evaded answering the question, "Can a male vampire get a human female pregnant?" to preserve a tiny bit of surprise in the last book. There were many statements on this subject purported to have come from me, but I never made those comments because, obviously, I knew where this was going.

Now, on to the "how is this possible?" question. First of all, of course it's not possible. None of this story is possible. It's a fantasy story about creatures that don't actually exist. Within the context of the fantasy, however, this is how it works:

Vampires are physically similar enough to their human origins to pass as humans under some circumstances (like cloudy days). There are many basic differences. They appear to have skin like ours, albeit very fair skin. The skin serves the same general purpose of protecting the body. However, the cells that make up their skin are not pliant like our cells, they are hard and reflective like crystal. A fluid similar to the venom in their mouths works as a lubricant between the cells, which makes movement possible (note: this fluid is very flammable). A fluid similar to the same venom lubricates their eyes so that their eyes can move easily in their sockets. (However, they don't produce tears because tears exist to protect the eye from damage, and nothing is going to be able to scratch a vampire's eye.) The lubricant-venom in the eyes and skin is not able to infect a human the way saliva-venom can. Similarly, throughout the vampire's body are many versions of venom-based fluids that retain a marked resemblance to the fluid that was replaced, and function in much the same way and toward the same purpose. Though there is no venom replacement that works precisely like blood, many of the functions of blood are carried on in some form. Also, the nervous system runs in a slightly different but heightened way. Some involuntary reactions, like breathing, continue (in that specific example because vampires use the scents in the air much more than we do, rather than out of a need for oxygen). Other involuntary reactions, like blinking, don't exist because there is no purpose for them. The normal reactions of arousal are still present in vampires, made possible by venom-related fluids that cause tissues to react similarly as they do to an influx of blood. Like with vampire skin—which looks similar to human skin and has the same basic function—fluids closely related to seminal fluids still exist in male vampires, which carry genetic information and are capable of bonding with a human ovum. This was not a known fact in the vampire world (outside of Joham's personal experimenting) before Nessie, because it's nearly impossible for a vampire to be that near a human and not kill her.

I didn't get into all of these details at my signings because it's a long, complicated mouthful. Also, it's hard to be clearly heard with all the screaming. Mostly, though, I waited to do this in writing because I have an immature, Homer Simpson-like tendency to giggle when I say the words "seminal fluids" in public.

So.. um.. yeah. There you go. Stephenie Meyer giggles at the thought of sperm. Yes, the person who wrote such a graphic description of.. um.. whatever the fuck that was in book three. All the "knock you out sex" and fetus rib and back breaking kicks shy's away at the thought of body fluid.

But hey, it answered the question, I guess. Vampires get you knocked up by ejaculating their venom into you. But I would like to point out the irony in this female empowering book where Bella has the choice of who she picks. The male vampire is the only one who can mate as female vampires are never changing. Add in that once turned, you are no longer pro-life, you have no ability of your sexual organs anymore.

But hey, let's forget all about that, I wonder what that freak is up to;

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