Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tips And Tricks For The Poor

Tips And Tricks For The Poor

I came across this other blogspot posting entitled a poor person's guide to hygiene. Which while on the surface is a bit strange, but over all is pretty helpful. Especially in our current state of economics. I have to say, some advice was a little strange..

Toilet paper really deserves an entry by itself. TP is not, repeat not, a necessity. It is a wonderful luxury, however, and it is always one of the first things I buy when I have gringo bucks. I don’t call it a necessity, though, because there are too many other things you can use instead, no matter how poor you are. What you are looking for is something that disintegrates in water and doesn’t feel like the business end of a belt sander. I suggest the following substitutes, in descending order of preference:

  • Cocktail napkins (a.k.a. bevnaps)
  • Fast food napkins
  • Paper towels
  • Newspaper
  • Pine cones

Bonus Hint: Don’t use valuable toilet paper to blow your nose – use a cloth handkerchief instead

If you're ever at the point of having to use a pine cone for toilet paper... I'd say a shower head pointed at your ass is probably a better option. Though I'm not knocking on shower heads, mind you. I'm sure you should try it at least once in your life. But the idea of getting pine sap in your ass, damn... that just sounds way too bourgeois for moi.

If you're at the point of using a pine cone to wipe your ass just swallow your pride and steal some. Oh wait, someone who would wipe their ass with a pine cone shouldn't have any pride to swallow. But let's face it, toilet paper is all around you. Just head on over to your local starbucks and if you're tall enough, you can steal their toilet paper in the bathroom.

You can even use the toilet seat protectors as oil blotters. Sure, you have to get over the fact that the intended use of this was for your ass to be placed on it, but once you get past that, it's all good. Seriously, whenever you're in a restroom where you can open the toilet paper holders, just grab a roll and stick it in your bag. You'll be amazed at how much money you can save this way.

Other bathroom tips would be to take your razors and put a little isopropyl on them after you shave so they don't rust. I also heard that rubbing them on some denim post-shaving can really help keep them sharp.

Then there's always this guy's tip:

Though since we are in capitalistic America, here's my advice on how to use a razor..
1. buy a new razor blade
2. use it until it's blunt
3. resharpen it
4. slit your damned throat
You realize that you don't have to use shampoo or conditioner on your hair. Apple cider vinegar and baking soda (again, the wonder tool) will be fine to take care of yourself after a few weeks of hellish transition. But once you're done with transition phase, you can go a week without washing your hair and it will look great.

Olive oil is a really good alternative to moisturizers and conditioner. But make sure you use just a tiny bit of it.

A good idea would be to try to scrape up for a big bad bottle of hydrogen peroxide. It's extremely cheap. So it will only cost you around a buck at most grocery stores and if you should ever get hurt it can save you a lot more money and trouble if you were to get a bad infection that you're too malnourished, stressed, or otherwise compromised to get over quickly without medical treatment. It's really an A+ safety device.

Sodium bicarbonate (Baking soda) can clean up pretty much anything. So forget ever using any of those expensive sprays they advertise on TV. In fact, you'll be amazed at how many uses baking soda has. You can use it as deodorant and I know a few people who do because they think the aluminum-containing molecules in real deodorant will give them Alzheimer's

Another good tool is knowing that shaving your armpits and pubes make you stink a lot less. In the process you will use less soap in the shower. Just think about what you will do with that $3 per month savings!

Or you could take pride in your odor. Women are generally not suppose to stink. So if you're a chick and you do, maybe you should be a bit proud in the fact that you're bucking the system.

If you ever really find yourself lacking toiletries, a really good way to make sure you're always stocked up on those necessities such as tooth paste, shaving cream, etc. is to pull a capitalist from their towers and smash them in the street. Then you can appropriate the means of production.

No wait, that's my socialist side coming out again. My bad. Really, there's nothing stopping you from walking down hotel corridors until you find a maid cart full of toiletries and that's when you stock the fuck up.

In fact, you can steal all kinds of stuff from hotels if you really need to. I know people who got almost all her basic household stuff that way. Dishes, linens, it's ridiculous. Go in there with a big duffel bag or a suitcase, you know - what you're suppose to go in there with anyway, and fill it up. Make several trips if you want to, you will look completely unremarkable.

Probably the most profitable of tips I can provide is if you can't afford a thing that costs literal pennies, you could stand in front of the store and ask people for change for fifteen minutes. Chances are you will reach your goal. I've seen bums do this and walk away with their 40's all within an hour.

I also can't stress enough the methods in which a little creativity and knowledge about how computers work can provide you with endless amounts of ways to abuse the self check outs you find at most modern markets.

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