Friday, October 5, 2018



While I'm not one to claim authenticity for the fortune cookie being something of truth to Chinese food, I do have to defend it against one act of violence that can not be tolerated. Capitalism.

Look at that bullshit. What the fuck, man? WHAT.THE.FUCK.

I mean, I get it, we're in a capitalistic society and basically they would try to put adverts in your sleep if they could. But man, this is the most fucked up thing possible. Fortune cookies are sacred ground. This is completely unacceptable and should be banned.

Well, okay, I guess Fortune Cookies aren't straight up sacred ground. I  realize that they're an American invention. That is why they are hallow and leave a bad taste in your mouth.  On a side note, why is it that Marvel keeps making these valid critiques of America's destructive behavior, but it's always coming from the villain, and thus making it seem like such a bad thing to have that mentality?

But look, it's bad enough when you get that really lame generic Fortune out of one that you're wondering what the fuck sort of lazy monkey with a typewriter cranked that one out. One that is so vague that you just don't care anymore. They have to at least have the sense that you can attach "...In bed" to the fortune to be somewhat half decent.

But to have a credit card advertisement in your Fortune Cookie? Goddamn America, you went too far this time. You just crossed the line. More ironic than not, most Chinese food joints prefer if you pay via cash anyway. So the whole notion of a credit card used there is kind of funny to begin with.

I guess what bugs me about this is that not even fake fortunes are safe from the strong arm of capitalism. Which is the scarier thing to all of this. What's next? Your daily horoscope will have mercury in centergrade and so you should totally sign up for this car title loan program? How about if you look at your lucky numbers and see that you should totally buy a Combo #3 from McDonalds today!

Some sort of fake sense of fortune is important. You can't just come crashing into the world of make believe and crash land your capitalistic notions there. This fortune cookie thing is going to far and it's fine time we stopped Capitalism where it starts. WE SHALL KILL THE BEAST!!!! KILL THE BEAST!!!!! Now with a new low introductory APR!

Also, I guess like consumerism, Chinese food just leaves you empty and hunger for more in a half hour anyway.

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