Wednesday, October 17, 2018



Hey Morty! Look, I turned myself into a Pickle Licking county fair contest! WOOOOOOOOO!!!

Okay, it's that time of year when the summer and fall harvest county fairs are coming to a close and if we were in olden times, we would be preparing for the coming of the doom and gloom that is the winter season.

Now being a city slicker, born and raised in the crazy high paced world of Los Angeles, I didn't experience these sorts of backwoods, good ol' boys type of events very often. It was only when I started wandering this here greatest of the great Nations that I started realizing that there was a lot of strange competitions that happen out there.

Don't get me wrong, I saw things in those moving pictures such as the story of the pie eating contest in Stand By Me. And I have been to the Orange County fair and survived by not getting shanked at the L.A. County fair, but those are by any means a proper representation of the county fair and harvest festivals that has a lot more time to fill or, I have no idea. But it's filled with a lot more games. One of which is a pickle licking contest.

What is a pickle licking contest, you say? Oh, you didn't want to know but here you go;

"You know, things looked pretty dire for me. I desperately needed something new in my life. The lawn chair factory I worked for closed down, leaving me out of a job. Then the lawn chair factory burned to the ground, leaving me homeless. So when I was down there at Jimmy's bar for a couple of tall ones at happy hour, I found that new thing. Licking pickles. Just one to start, then two, and then so on and so on.

The referee over there just told me I licked well through 342 pickles, That there's a new personal best for me. But next year I hope to get to 350. Heck, I tell you, if I work really hard, maybe I'll even get to 400 in one sitting. Well, god bless, when he closes a store and burns it down, he opens a window, know what I'm sayin', also stop on by the downtown Minnetonka Rug Emporium if you want to talk about pickles or pick up a great deal on a new carpet. I'll land you a right straight fair deal for all my fans. See you next fair -actually, look, I'm still up for licking me some more pickles and I'll be posted up near my car in lot 8c all afternoon"

I mean, what the hell is with these strange county fair competitions?  Why not a jerking my gherkin.  But it does make me wonder, is there a career in being a judge to all these things? It would be pretty interesting to be a professional traveling state fair pickle licking judge. And yes, I can be bought.

I would think that there would be a lot of sanctioned rules to this whole thing. You can't have any unsanctioned pickle licking happening during off hours of the contest. You'll have to do all that behind the admissions tent. And does the competition have something really big as a prize? I hear the Pawnee, IN pickle licking recieves a full ride at the Ivy League school of their choice. Riding that wave of pickle licking all the way for a free education.

“God damn I love pickles.” - Me, the winner of the Minnesota Sate Fair Pickle Lickin’ Contest
Back to the rules - Just look, we know you all have been doing some pickle licking on the side, off the record, we can't be having that, now can we? We need to keep this fair to the other lickers. No juicing. No matter how much electrolytes pickle backs get you back to normal. 

Hmmmm... Yes. This is really disconcerting. Billy, lick the lolly....  molly lilly and holy shit. what the fuck did I just watch?

But now that we talked about the Pickle licking contest in detail and scratched are heads at that one, I think we can go deeper in this whole thing and now talk about the Princess Kay of the Milky way pageant and the 4h llama costume contest.

The first is a pageant for daughters of dairy farmers and all the finalists get their bust carved out of a giant block of butter. Cause you know what they say, something that pretty will indeed melt your heart... or clog it. I forgot which.

The llama costume contest... well, it's exactly what it sounds like

I think we all can agree that if there's a Llama costume contest on, you'll probably watch. You'll also probably learn that llamas use "communal poop piles" and have a tendency to stop and try to go if they pass one. I mean really try to go. It has a way of holding things up.

But yeah, I bet I just opened your eyes tot he exciting world of county fairs and it goes well beyond the realm of deep fried food on a stick. Let me tell you, giant corn dogs are straight up no joke.

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