Christmas With A Capital C Well now that Halloween is past us, it's time to finally accept Jesus into our hearts and expect his upcoming birthday to be nothing less than Capitalistic! After all, C is for Jesus, and that's good enough for me!
Just check out this awesome trailer for a new movie that deals with making sure you put the Christ into Christmas!
Wait a minute. This is an actual movie? Well, I guess "movie" is a bit of a strong word in this case, it's just Christmas religious circle jerking. Ugh.... Christians!
But really, I love the whole thing! I FLIPPIN' LOVE IT ALL! How about how the dad talks about how he scored mom. Yeah bro, you won that one! Way to not make women feel like an object, bro-ham!
I just wonder why this is actually real and not just satire. I mean, look at that film. It should be called Christmas with a Capitalism $. We should all remember that Jesus preached his ascetic philosophy by dressing up as a fat man in a red suit and handing out PS3's. So yes, we need to save Christmas or else God may be at risk!
After all, it is the reason for the season! But this does mean one thing.. that the War on Christmas started early this year. Wait, no. The War on Christmas never ends. It is an eternal battle. A forever war, if you will.
What kind of world do we live in where gay people can have butt sex with each other, IN THE BUTT, no less! But yet you can't put up a CHRISTMAS TREE in a COURTHOUSE?! What the fuck, America!
It feels like the save Christmas campaign starts earlier and earlier every year. But it does seem that the film really touches on the subject on if it's such a terrible thing to try and learn about other people so you can engage them properly instead of just tossing out a lazy "Happy Holidays"?
This Christmas.. it's up to a bunch of New Yorkers to save Christmas from Islamic terrorist! Ramadan with a Capital R! Coming soon to a Hallmark station near you!
You have Alec Baldwin as... Bitchard Cawkins. Did Alec Baldwin really need a paycheck this badly? Oh wait, this is Daniel Baldwin. I really have a hard time telling them all apart.
Look at that guy! He hates god! It's like Two Baldwins are down on the whole Getting down with Jesus..
Also starring that one guy who has been the chief henchman in a thousand other shitty movies as the guy that spouts off predictable reactionary revisionist history tea party drivel about America being founded by modern evangelical baptists!
The dude who played Jefferson D'Arcy must have turned into a Christian nut job after Married with Children ended or something like Kirk Cameron. There's no other way of explaining his role in this other than he was a day out of starving once the Subway dumpsters ran dry. What is up with 80's show actors turning into religious oddballs?
This whole thing is a fairly accurate depiction of most atheists though, only he was slightly more articulate and a lot better looking than your average atheist. Trust me, I'm one of them.
I'm literally the bad guy in this movie. Why? Because I'll have no problem in exposing the fact that Christmas is just a pagan celebration. Fuck you religious nut bags in the ass. You can't have a baby born in the desert in the middle of winter. How does that make any sense? Oh yeah.. and Jesus, if he ever existed, was a black man.
Wow, did I just take a huge dump in your stockings? Good!
82 Year Old Man Gets Knocked Down Or D-Day For War On Xmas
Who would have thought that it would have happened on Christmas eve. I mean, this has to be a huge blow to Christians and all those on the religious side on this war on Christmas.... But when you push a Godless person too far with your pushing of the phrase "Merry Christmas" too far, you have no one to blame but yourself. We didn't start this war, we're only ending it.... In that we're going to push an 82 year old man down on the ground.
Oh yeah, we'll strike hard and fast at the motherfuckin' Symbol of your belief by pushing over the Pope.
VATICAN CITY – A woman jumped the barriers in St. Peter's Basilica and knocked down Pope Benedict XVI as he walked down the main aisle to begin Christmas Eve Mass on Thursday.
The 82-year-old pope quickly got up and was unhurt, said a Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Ciro Benedettini. Footage aired on Italy's RAI state TV showed a woman dressed in a red jumper vaulting over the wooden barriers and rushing the pope before being swarmed by bodyguards.
Benedettini said the woman who pushed the pope appeared to be mentally unstable and had been arrested by Vatican police. He said she also knocked down Cardinal Roger Etchegaray, who was taken to hospital for a check up.
After the incident, Benedict, flanked by tense bodyguards, resumed his walk to the basilica's main altar to start the Mass. He did appear somewhat shaken and leaned heavily on aides and an armrest as he sat down in his chair.
It was the second year in a row there was a security breach at the service. At the end of last year's Mass a woman who had jumped the barriers got close to the pope but was quickly blocked on the ground by security.
Where's your god, now? It's pretty clear that the first shot in the War on Christmas has been shot.. Then again, it's pretty clear that I have been making that same claim since October when this whole War on Christmas bullshit started up this year. Still, the shot was rung and some 82 year old former Nazi boy scout got knocked the fuck on his ass. Boooyah!
Maybe this chick really wasted a perfectly good moment. She should have hit him with a replica of St. Peter's to really keep in them with the recent attacks on heads of organizations that have been occurring over the past few weeks. Maybe it wasn't an attack though. I read Angels and Demons not too long ago and I think it had something about where if you knock down the pope that you get to be the pope. Maybe that's what she was doing.
It certainly can't mean that there's an atheist attacking her. This attack didn't convert anyone from Catholicism or anything. It's not like anyone saw the Pope fall and then realized that this woman has just shown them the folly of the sky wizard and renounced their strange belief in a God. And why is it that they always say the people who do these things are unstable. As if they are trying to discredit them. Atheist? Pffft, they're just a bunch of unstable teenagers.
I do wonder what Vatican prisons are like. Cause if they're anything like Mexican ones, you can get out of there by slipping them a $50 and promising not to do it again... only to get caught doing something else illegal an hour later and paying them another $50 to get out of there. God damn, Mexico sure is a pay-per-play state. Somehow I'm not sure that it's entirely all that safe to break the law in Vatican city. I mean, they're all about forgive and forget on paper, but you try calling them out on that in court and I'm sure you're not going to get your voice heard.
That is, if you even get a court date..
OH MY GOD! This just in - A second woman has just crashed into the Pope!... oh wait, that's actually true. This is the second one to do this since this thing happened last year, only it failed and the Pope didn't fall. Maybe they should really take a step back and look at their security measures.
You know what's pretty strange - the catholic church. Well, all of it in general. "Et cum spiritu tuo" is just one hell of a strange phrase. It translates to "And cum spirits on you". Maybe they where just reading my blog entry about having women just swallow cum already. Oh yes, take that Holy Spirit.
But you know what, Fuck Christmas. I'm just going to go ahead and declare a Jihad on Christmas. Even if you try to sugar coat it as a time for family, that's a load of bullshit. If you're such an anti-social person who can't get out of your cave that you need a mandatory day to talk to your family, you're a horrible person and you should just admit that you really don't like them enough to visit them on a regular basis.
I'll fully admit to being bullied into spending the Holidays with my family. I know I'm going to regret it when someone says I've put on a little weight or.. for that matter the whole act in going there in general. I didn't pick them and they sure as hell aren't very supportive. If Christmas is the time to be around those you care about, I sure did pick the wrong crowd. At the very least I'll end this Christmas Day on a high note.. That the war on Christmas is done with. We don't have to hear about this shit for another year. And most of all I don't have to hang around my family for some time to come.
If you need the guilt of giving to finally make you care about the suffering of those around you, and you can only give once a year, you're a pretty bad person. Shelters are crowded with volunteers on this day trying to help out those less fortunate than yourself. How about the rest of the time. I know I only bust this secret weapon out during Valentines Day, but what about the rest of the year to show the world you give a shit by volunteering your time on those non-peak days.
Fuck it, I'm going to go and get myself some Chinese food. I think I like doing that the most because it's, in the most basic forms, an Ironic gesture. Or at the least the most undesired thing to do on Christmas day. Yet it has always compelled me to want Chinese on these days when you're suppose to spend with family. Shit, it's not like I'm really going to miss Tamales. Give me some Chow Mein over getting tired of eating left over Tamales for the next two weeks.
Oh yeah. I should include a picture of the pope since this attack on him happened yesterday and all. Fuck that dude.
In my daily attempt to find something about the catholic church to mock I came across this and my life has changed forever. Well, at least till the next blog post, which should be within 24 hours. I'm on a roll here.
Even though I was an alter server and I went to catholic school for most of my life, I still don't get a lot of the religion. I guess that happens when you stop believing the lies and become an atheist. But much like the famous "Things white people like", this following site tracks what Christian Culture likes
#31 Astroglide; Christian women give this to each other at bridal showers and as it is unwrapped they say cheerfully "It's a married woman's best friend!" If you find this unsettling, that feeling is valid.
Even if this is a humor website, it does make you wonder. I mean, we already knew that Christians were so fucked in the head about sexuality. No wonder a lot of the men turn out to love the cock when they've been fighting it all their lives through persecuting gay rights. Maybe it's just that, in a hilarious turn of events, that these prim and proper Christians go so long without sex that the men don't have a clue what to do and the women are probably dried up by then anyway.
Nothing says "Thank you Jesus" like some astroglide. I mean, Jesus does keep them all dried up. He rose again.. that much is true, but he didn't arouse on that third day.. Guys, just don't tell them that they can orgasm. It'll ruin EVERYTHING! I guess the comments had me laughing even more.
Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Said women use astroglide because their men don't even bother trying to turn them on enough that they might self-lubricate? That could possibly be the saddest thing ever. It's one thing if it's women who are aging or having medical issues causing trouble with self-lubrication, but apparently this is being given as routine advice to newlyweds in a culture where people marry as young as they possibly can. This is not something to give thanks for.
I don't know whether my response is "That's terribly depressing" or "my life feels pretty great right about now." I guess the moral of this story is that religions are telling their women that they have to submit to their husbands whenever they are in the mood. It doesn't matter if she's not in the mood for it, just have some astroglide and think about what you're going to be making for dinner while they grunt and moan their way to pleasure.
News From The Front: The War On Christmas Front, That Is
Yes, enough about that silly war for now. I mean, we got another 18 months to criticize it, am I right? We should turn the attention to the war that we're knee deep in the trenches on.. That is the War on Christmas.
I suppose I should bring about this message of having Happy Holidays from the people who are badly trying to retake power over the most powerful military on the planet. The first step is to reclaim Christmas. Yes, that's right, we need to put the Christ back into Christmas and the only way to do that is to avoid all them stores who just say Happy Holidays and NOT Merry Christmas.
Wingnut Christians have a powerful new ally in the War On Xmas: It’s a website full of retailer ratings to let you know if maybe Jews or Atheists or (God forbid!) Muslims are making the Xmas Season less Christ-y! StandForChristmas.com reports and decides on which chain stores (WalMart) know the “reason for the season,” and which homosexual shops (Best Buy, The Gap) are trying to make nice with anti-American forces such as Muslims, Jews and Atheists. Let’s review the reviewers!
One day, the Pagans will take back Christmas, because they invented it, but for now only Christians are unemployed in numbers large enough for a volunteer-force War on Xmas. And now that the season of Santa and Frosty is upon us, this is what’s on the collective mind of America’s disgruntled white Jeebus-followers (other than porn and extra-value meals, anyway):
quote:
Macy’s: * “Me and my family shop at Dadeland Macys in Miami Florida.The Salespersons are very friendly and Christmas Focus. I am a very Aggressive and Bold person for CHRIST any store that i spend my money in they better tell me Merry Christmas or a VOID will be following in seconds.”
* “I was looking for a Christmas Sweater and told by a clerk that they had not carried Christmas Sweaters for some time. I was disappointed. They used to have sweaters depicting the ‘Silent Night’, the Three Kings, etc. I find I frequent the store less and less frequently.” [The mythical Three Kings were Iranian Devil-Worshipers, did you know? -- Ed.]
Best Buy: * “I wish I knew about this store prior to my purchase. The service was good and they were friendly. No Happy Holidays, no Merry Cchristmas nothing. Now I know why. Last time I shop here.”
* “Just bought an ipod from Best Buy, but then learned of their anti-Christmas/pro -Eid al Adha actions. I so regret having purchased from them. Best Buy, give glory to the one who has allowed and attributed to your success…Jesus Christ, not Mohammed!”
* “Great holiday prices and friendly staff.” [Nice try, Mohammed Atta! -- Ed.]
* “In your flyer advertising Black Friday the weekend before Thanksgiving, you had nothing regarding Christmas.. instead you had Happy Eid Al- Adha…a muslim religious Holiday. This is the United States of America, founded on Chrisitan principals, not Muslim. I am disgraced by this and will not shop your stores until you recognize the religious holiday that prevails in the U.S. - Christmas!”
* “It’s so rude that Best Buy has a Muslim Wish on the front of their WebFlyer. This is America! Wish us a Merry Christmas! I will not be shopping at Best Buy ever again!”
The Gap:
* “I was completely disgusted by the commercial on tv for the GAP. Not only was Christmas so casually mentioned, but to push the idea that it’s ok to do whatever feels right is so obviously against God and His Word. I for one will no longer shop at any company affiliated with the GAP. I pray that others choose to join as well. I also encourage others to pray for the people involved that God could reach them in some way and change their hearts and minds.”
* “You have offended the U.S. majority (Christians) by equating the birth of Christ with Wiccan soltice. I’m curious as to to buying power of Wiccans compared to the buying power of Christians? This Christian respectfully WANNUKAHS to cancel my GAP credit card in person in my local store. Other Christians - please let your local store manager know in person of your decision to no longer support their stores.”
* “Just heard about Gap deciding against Christmas. They are comparing Christmas to cults and witchcraft and encouraging folks to celebrate the ‘holiday’ in whatever manner they see fit. Come on, Gap, take a stand for what is RIGHT - you benefit from our Christmas dollars for Christmas gifts. Because of their stand on Christmas, I won’t be buying anything from Gap this year. Come on Gap! Celebrate Christmas! Jesus died for EVERYONE!” [Jesus *died* on Xmas? WTF? -- Ed.]
Eddie Bauer:
* “I was made to feel very uncomfortable by their employees who would only respond to my ‘Merry Christmas’ with a ‘Happy Holidays’. If they know I believe in Jesus, why can’t they just wish me a Merry Christmas???”
* “Shopping CHRISTmas friendly stores is very important to me. I do not believe that CHRISTmas advertising should begin until after Thanksgiving. The day to celebrate the birth of Jesus has become far more too materialistic, and seems to become that way more each. year. Loacally the CHRISTmas decorations, songs, etc. began before holloween. Absurd and disgusting. Thank God for Focus on the Family and all you do. God Bless each and everyone at Focus. Myrna”
Uh yeah because the BIBLE clearly commands that you can’t have Xmas decorations before Halloween, jesus fucking christ, you people are all lunatics. [Stand For Christmas]
Damn. I guess there goes the idea of making a nativity scene with Hitchens, Dawkins and Dennett as the wise men. As well as having Mary, Joseph and Jesus being authentically brown rather than American pleasing pasty white.
This part of is just too much:
* “Me and my family shop at Dadeland Macys in Miami Florida.The Salespersons are very friendly and Christmas Focus. I am a very Aggressive and Bold person for CHRIST any store that i spend my money in they better tell me Merry Christmas or a VOID will be following in seconds.”
I think I'm going to join the suicide rate that happens during this most depressing time of year. Merry Christmas doesn't go far enough. All they're wishing you to do is have a nice day in the near future, with no implication as to who is providing that day for you, (Jesus, in case you didn't know). If the clerk doesn't wish me a Christy Christmas I'm going to put out my cigarette in their eye, the way Jesus would have wanted it.
You two can follow this movement and not shop at stores that don't put the Christ in your shopping habits by following the list of stores in this following link: http://standforchristmas.com/
That is definitely what Jesus wants. He wants you to only spend your money to corporations who will gladly exploit your religious beliefs for profit. How christian of them to not give their money to the non-believers and liberals. Jesus was the ultimate conservative, vote with your dollars in the name of G-O-D!
Maybe this year I'll pretend to have no idea what Christmas is or what it's all about. I guess that's the only way to piss off those religious freaks even more. By taking the Christmas out of Christmas.
"Merry Christmas!" "Mary who?"
Or maybe I'll celebrate it by singing Christmas carols from the 1600s and 1700s, when they knew the true meaning of the season.
To conclude, I'le tell you news that's right, Christmas was kil'd at Naseby fight: Charity was slain at that same time, Jack Tell troth too, a friend of mine, Likewise then did die, rost beef and shred pie, Pig, Goose and Capon no quarter found. Yet let's be content, and the times lament, you see the world turn'd upside down.
I'm not sure Jesus ever wore gothy sequined fabric from the oanns cheapie rack except maybe when he was the guy from Skid row in Jesus Christ Superstar. These folks really get up in arms when you take out Christmas from anything. I would pay money to see an edited version of It's A Wonderful Life airing on Christmas day "Happy Holidays, movies! Happy holidays, Emporium! Happy holidays, you wonderful old building and loan!"
How dare Christians try to take the focus away frm Santa and put it on Jesus. Santa has given millions of gifts every year to gleeful children and brought hope to America.. What has Jesus done for me lately? WHJDFML? Should have put a ring on it, yo.
If you're wearing a crown of thorns, shouldn't the thorns be pointing in to scratch and pierce your flesh? Oh, I realize, that would actually hurt.. But wait, that brings up an even bigger issue. Why are they wearing that for Christmas? Shouldn't they wear the crown for Good Friday? Jesus wasn't rocking that style on the day he was born. It's bad enough Mary was poor, no need to have her crowning with a crown of thorns.
Never mind the fact that Jesus was a Jew and if he were alive today, he wouldn't be celebrating Christmas.. No wait, he would. Cause it's his fake birthday.. But he wouldn't be giving anyone shit, yo. No secret santa for him! Nah. He wouldn't celebrate it cause he would know it's not his birthday.. Holy shit, he has two birthday! He rose again.
It's not like if someone says Merry Christmas to me I scream "I'M ATHEIIISSSSST!!!" in a cracking falsetto. Christmas isn't my favorite holiday by any stretch, but I don't mind imagery of christian mythology any more than I do imagery of Santa Clause. They both seem pretty far fetched and ideas that children subscribe to.
America just seems obsessed with Christmas as a whole. It's really an unhealthy obsession. We should rename the US to "Santa's workshop" and tell everyone they're all elves and it would be a better way to sell communism to the masses. You know what happened on December 25th? Not the birth of a brown baby in the desert. James Brown died. And that in itself is something we should Celebrate.
Merry Jesus to you and may you have a jew-free New Years.
It's may be the end of September, but it doesn't seem to be too early to begin the war on Christmas that Christians love to claim is something Atheist or anyone else who doesn't believe in the silly concept that baby Jesus was born in a desert during winter on that CHRISTmas morning. A holiday I've got problems with it? let me tell you, all of them. Every single last one of them. But a war on one specific one? Nah, that's small fries.
Proposal would delete 'Christmas' from 6th grade lesson
AUSTIN, Texas (AP) - A proposal for new social studies curriculum in Texas public schools removes a mention of Christmas in a sixth-grade lesson, replacing it with a Hindu religious festival, a change that's riled conservatives who say it's another battle in the "war" against the Christian holiday. "It's outrageous that the war on Christmas continues in our state and in our nation," said Jonathan Saenz, a lobbyist for the conservative Free Market Foundation. "This effort to mislead students about current society is shameful and must be stopped."
The draft proposal being considered by the State Board of Education won't be formally adopted until next May for the 2011-2012 school year. The standards will remain in place for the next decade, dictating what is taught in government, history and other social studies classes in elementary and secondary schools. The standards also will be used to develop state tests and by textbook publishers who develop material for the nation based on their largest market, Texas.
The standards currently instruct sixth-grade students to be able to explain the significance of religious holidays such as the Christian holidays of Christmas and Easter, the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, and the Jewish holidays of Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah. The proposal, which is set to be debated during a hearing next week, removes the words Christmas and Rosh Hashanah. Diwali, a Hindu festival, is added.
How dare we try to get students to learn a little bit about religious festivals from cultures other than their own at the expense of giving them the trivially simple assignment of explaining the significance of something from their own culture! How dare we do that!
I wish I could sign up for an actual war on Christmas and other corporate consumerist 'Christian' Holidays. While my girlfriend may not like it, I still don't dig Valentine's Day and Easter? Fuck that Holiday. I'm going to be celebrating a Birthday around Easter. No time for a stupid bunny to steal that thunder.
To be honest, we wouldn't have to start the war on Christmas so early if they wouldn't start Christmas so early. It's not even Halloween and I'm seeing some places pop up with festive cheerful things already.
How the hell could they claim persecution? As a member of the world's largest religion, how can you feel your rights are being trodden upon? I'm curious as to what history these Christians are referring to that makes Christmas their holiday? It's just the standard winter festival, only they attached the birth of Jesus to it, which never made sense because a kid born in the desert just sounds like one frozen dead baby. It's pretty clear that it's the same date as the Roman winter festival
Christians only really started getting heavy recently, just over the last 100 years-plus, basically since Dickens. I guess the whole Ghost thing got to him. In the early colonial days, celebrating Christmas was still illegal in some parts of the BUILT ON CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES U.S., because people would get shitfaced and start tearing shit up. And I don't mean their gift wrapping..
What's funny is this is more or less how it's always been and exactly what happened in the late 19th Century. Christmas had always been secondary to East in the Christian calendar and mostly a holiday to get drunk and party hard. Then in the late 18oo's, the "reason for the season" stuff started, but it was completely different from how it is now.
For proof of this, just look at the most famous example of literature from the era, Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. A novel which specifically denounces capitalism and has its protagonist redeem himself by becoming a socialist. I think it's a pretty big slap to the face that there's such a commercial holiday to it now.
Why would they teach Christmas in a history course anyway? High school English classes aren't teaching the bible, although it is an important literary work to the religious type. That has to be some war against Christians as well, right? The bible is the most god awful novel around. They might as well teach John Grisham novels in school.
This is all just another problem caused by trying to create a universal public education system instead of letting parents choose where to send their kids. Oh wait, the universal health care debate isn't this blog.. Sorry, it sort of melts altogether with me.
If I were president, my first act would be to bomb all walmarts with cruise missiles at 6:15AM, Friday after thanksgiving. This would solve so many problems. Such as killing poor people that partake in consumerist holidays when they clearly can't afford them.
I'm only going to be buying my relatives charity donations for Christmas and only asking for books anyway. I'll more than likely be wearing a Dawkins shirt for the entire season for shits and giggles.
Don't even tell me it's a reason for family togetherness. That's the part I hate most about Christmas. It sucks having your family guilt trip you into driving or flying hundreds of miles to see them for a few days when you'd be much happier relaxing at home or going somewhere with someone whose company you actually enjoy and do something fun while everyone else is stuck with their family.
How about if you really cared about your family you just have the same togetherness the rest of the year without having to rely on a commercialized Holiday one day out of the year just so you could check "made awkward small talk with blood relatives" off your list.
One would wonder, if you want to wage war on Christmas, what would be the first step? 1. Kill God 2. ? 3. Did you kill God yet?
Let me tell you what the calendar looks like for that time of year;
Liberal atheist agenda for 12/25
09:00am-War on Christmas 11:00am-War on Kwanzaa 12:30am-Lunch with Janice 01:30pm-War on Chanukkah
It's not like I'm sending Christmas an unending rain of mortar fire, exploding tree shrapnel and manger scene fragments everywhere hitting civilians with cheer. You don't see me slapping some economic sanctions on Christmas first in an attempt to work something out.
I have to say, most Holidays celebrated in America are boring as fuck. Shit like Dia De Los Muertos and Holi are way cooler than anything we celebrate. Arbor day? Flag day? What a bunch of loser holidays. Dia De Los Muertos: awesome bread, sugar skulls, serious reflection on life and death. Halloween: Free candy to keep our children fat and 'sexy' costumes as an excuse to dress like a slut. Seriously, dress like a slut everyday, I will be the first to tell you that I wont mind. Fuck halloween, Dia De Los Muertos owns
But I guess the American economy would be decimated without Christmas, so a war on Christmas is a WAR ON AMERICA! That's right you non-Christmas celebrating heathens, you're terrorist of the worse kind. All of you!
Holidays are just the government telling you when you can go on a three day bender. I shouldn't have to get permission from big brother to get shit faced for three days. So fuck it, let the war begin. I'm ready to practice a scorched earth sort of strategy. Ho ho Fuckin' Ho!
Once was a writer, tho, you see words to your left, so I guess I'm still that to some degree.
You can find my scribbles and mind ranting on this and various other places as a means to keep the creative, satirical and costco talk muscles worked out.
Was once apart of the tv industry, but I'm sure the NDA's are still in effect so let's move on from that. Now I spend my time slinging beer and keeping a building in one piece.
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