America - The Burger
Let this be the one and only final warning you will have - You only have today and tomorrow to go to Slater's 50/50 and try the burger of the month. The only burger that the month of July could possibly have... THE 'MERICA!
Yes, that's right. g...ground... ba... bacon? You're probably wondering what it taste like - Well, I'm guessing bacony will be the right direction.
At some point you have to wonder though, why not skip the pretense and just include a .45 cal bullet to go with the burger. You're already half way there to killing yourself.
I can usually stomach the ridiculous "put bacon on everything" mentality, but this one on paper seemed like it was taking it too far. One toke over the line, if you will. Some would think that this is just flat out going into the world of gross out levels. But let me tell you, my friends, I have climbed that mountain and come back to live to tell the tale of it.
It is divine.
In any case, the description needs more romance to it. Why yes, we combined the subtle flavors of bacon with more bacon and then bacon and the cheese.
It's like, why did they put the bacon in the cheese? Was there someone who actually complained that it wasn't 'Merican enough?
BUT DON'T WORRY, SIR. THERE'S CHEESE IN THE BACON TOO, IT'S BACON CHEESE, OKAY SIR?!
Sir, please lower your voice. Your side of bacon will be here any moment now, I assure you sir, no, please put your jorts back on SIR. PLEASE, I MUST INSIST! Sir, your face is all red, are you okay? I need to call an ambu.... sir, SIR?! I think you should withdraw the bacon fro your mouth, Sir. I'm going to have to insist, sir. I can't understand a thing you are mumbling.
What next, Baconlube? Oh wait, that actually exist. You know, for you bacon lovers who just love bacon so much, you'd want to fuck with it. It's the world's first bacon-flavored personal lubricant and massage oil.
Cause nothing is better than a bacon massage...
I didn't make that up, by the way. It's a product that has probably made someone super duper rich. I was going to post a picture, but then I couldn't stand to give then any click traffic -- because really, if you order bacon lube, you deserve to die alone.
As for the 'Merican. It actually taste alright. Sodium enriched like hell. The outside is crispy and the inside taste sort of like spam or any of those other canned meat products.
What I'm saying is that you have two days left - go try it and die.
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