Saturday, July 21, 2012

How To Eat Cereal

How To Eat Cereal

Eating cereal is fun, healthy and yummy! but some of you may feel overwhelmed at not only the variety of choices of cereal in your local grocery store, but the act of actually eating cereal, too. For instance, how would one know how much milk to pour into a bowl of dry cereal?! This is a question that many strive to find the exact answer to, but usually fail. But with this guide you can learn things like that and stuff.

Anyway, lets get started:

choosing a cereal
So there are lots of cereals in the store that you buy stuff at. Lets try to break them down into categories, for instance:

Kid's cereal - Now this is the best shit out there. I say "Kid's cereal" but it's really "Cereal Marketed towards Kids". Unless you are a gigantic faggot or some old dude with heart problems, you are going to want some Kid's cereal. This includes the delicious shit like Count Chocula (and all his delicious friends), Cocoa Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cookie Crisps, Lucky Charms, Fruity Pebbles, etc.

Boring adult crap shit cereal - Cereal in this category mostly consists of some overly healthy crap like bran and flaxseed and oatz and crap, except that these things are pretty gross by themselves so the cereal people try to sweeten or flavor it up with some other crap so it just ends up tasting like chocolate covered poopoo. Actually there is one exception to this rule. I'm speaking of course of the glorious Honey Bunches of Oats.

Which cereal is right for you? This is the part you're going to have to experiment with. Everyone will have their own likes and dislikes. For instance, I personally hate those little fucking marshmallow bits that are in Lucky Charms, etc. I'm more of a cereal minimalist - give me some fucking PB Cap'n Crunch and I'm good. Choosing a cereal that's right for you is perhaps the hardest part of this whole ordeal (next to eating the cereal of course, which we will cover later).

choosing some milk
I know what some of you must be saying right now - "Wtf man I know what milk I like plus there's really only whole milk skim milk blah blah right?" Yeah you're a faggot and also wrong. Here's other I've tried and there are probably more:

Cow's Milk: This is the shit you grew up with. Not much else to say about it, except that it's crap and you should stop drinking it.

Hemp Milk: I've only tried one kind of this, and it was crap as well. It was really gritty and this fucking residue got all over every dish I put it in. But hey if you're into that, wahtever.

Soy Milk: Good stuff but only if you buy Silk brand Soy Milk. I used to drink it a lot, but then I realized it gave me da mad fartz so I don't drink it as often. It's got a different color than regular milk, which might throw you off, but it's pretty tasty. (Warning: Soy may or may not have been proven to turn you into a ladyboy so drink with caution)

Rice Milk: Shit's pretty good. More watery than the others, I would probably compare the consistency to skim milk.

Almond Milk: FUCK YEA ALMOND MILK. This shit is the best. Best part? You can make it yourself for super easy and cheap. If you buy this, you're gonna wanna get this shit called Almond Breeze, it's probably the best FUCK YEA

Now all of these milks obviously come in different flavors, such as chocolate, vanilla, etc. Some of them even come in unsweetened versions, which I guess you should get if you fail at not being diabetic or something.

Anyway, the point is, try some different milks out with your cereal. Personally, I would highly recommend (starting with the best): Almond Milk, Soy Milk, Rice Milk.

eating the fucking cereal
Once you've acquired your cereal and milk, you're going to need a bowl. See, the cereal goes into the bowl, and then the milk goes over the cereal and also in the bowl. if this is complicated you should probably kill yourself. oh you're also going to need a spoon (not for killing yourself but for eating the cereal)

1) Pour that delicious sweetened cereal into the bowl. probably filling up between 1/3 and 1/2 (you will need plenty of room for milk)

2) Pour whatever gay ass milk you decided to get over the cereal into the bowl. Now, this is a heavily debated topic, but IMHO you should pour the milk to just reach the top of the cereal. A little less or more depending on how much crunch you want, but the truth is most cereal manufacturers have gotten pretty good at making cereal stay crunchy in a lot of milk.

3) put it in your mouth. this should come naturally to you as im sure this is not the first time you've heard this request. what im trying to say is you probably suck a lot of dicks.

4) chew thoroughly and swallow. savor the fucking flavor (unless you're eating kix which incidentally has no flavor)

5) when you're done with your cereal, drink the milk. this is essential as a lot of the cereal's flavor becomes absorbed by the milk and makes a delicious concoction of win

experimental cereal theory
Now beyond your basic plain milk with plain cereal, there is a realm of cereal eating which many of you may not know about: the experimental siiiiidddee of ceerreeaaalllll.

Now I bet you're like wtf bro what crazy shit you b on. well I will tell you what crazy shit i be on. Have you ever had Cocoa Puffs and PB Cap'n Crunch Mixed Together? What about taking all of the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms and mixing them in with rice crispies? have you ever eaten cereal using chocolate milk instead of plain? did i just blow your mind?

i dont know the answers to any of these questions except the last one (which is obviously yes yes you did blow my mind), but it's something to think about. play around with your cereal and milk combinations. shit, make a cereal milkshake or eat some cereal with a fork. you never know if you might make a brilliant breakthrough in cereal eating (which by the way, if you do, please post in this thread).

I thank you all for listening.

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